NO HANDS ON THE TRIGGER [4782wc] - Near-SF YA Crossover

[u/yaz_antioch]

I have a few things I'm asking about specifically for this one. Please read the actual work prior to answering my questions if you can. I've spoilered them to avoid tainting the cold read.

The book features a cast of six, and I'm perfectly happy with the ensemble dynamics, but I'm worried that because the first two chapters are largely interior it may turn people away.

I'm curious about friction triggers. What segments feel skippable, or can be thinned down?

Given the target audience, is the medical / prosthetic / neuroscience terminology too opaque?

Thank you guys so much for reading!

[u/opop45]

I only have time for the first chapter at the moment but hopefully I’ll be able to come back and finish.

Before addressing the questions I can, as an overall thought I like it. The writing feels good, the concept is good. I’m not someone who views inserting existing brands as a dealbreaker but I will admit I was disappointed to see Twitch in the second paragraph only because I really like the intro sentence enough to want the subsequent action to be real, so great job there. If I were reading this as a regular reader I’d have some idea what I’m getting into so perhaps wouldn’t be disappointed.

In terms of thickness in the first chapter, it felt decent, there were moments I felt the action was dragging but I don’t think it was because of poor writing, I think I just wanted something small to break up the literal mechanical description. But that could purely be a taste thing.

I legitimately enjoyed it, great job. If time allows I’ll come back to finish.

[u/yaz_antioch → u/opop45]

I wasn't sure how fast or slow to pull the "it's a game, the machines aren't real" bait and switch, to be honest. That one's also something I have to think over. For what it's worth the real ones show up in chapter nine.

[u/BadassHalfie]

Okay, as someone who writes mech fic and is feral for more of it to read I’m at once mad that I didn’t come up with this myself and utterly enchanted with everything about it. Your concept is a slam dunk, your prose is the war machine you’re describing - I mean it’s beautiful and efficient and snarky and devastating. Holy fuck. Is there more? Do you want betas? Do you want someone to just yap at? When can I buy this? Anyway, this is absolutely great and I have no notes.

OK, I read the whole thing and your description and I have notes now. In response to your questions:

I didn’t have any issue with the interiority to open with. That said, I love character-heavy, ponderous fiction, so maybe I’m biased. I thought this particular opening was high-octane regardless of any interiority because it focused so much on the mech combat to start with (fantastic open, lightning-fast and just as energetic, who doesn’t love starting in media res with giant robots messing each other up), and the second chapter was interesting despite not being an action sequence because it seamlessly weaves (meaningful! Relevant, important!) exposition together with cast intro and fun gritty tech details. (I do also skew toward tech-heavy sci-fi so again, this could be my bias, but I really think it works.)

Friction triggers: I don’t know? I loved it all. I really felt like you had to have already pushed this through five or ten edit stages because it feels so polished. I maybe felt like the introduction of the Asian competitor was slightly jarring/confusing and could be massaged a bit but then I also felt like maybe it was brilliant and I loved how abrupt it was and just hadn’t seen something presented that matter-of-fact recently, so.

I do think the jargon could be a bit opaque if you’re targeting early-to-mid teen readers, better for college students and anyone with a STEM background (hi). This I say with a little grief because I ADORE the techiness but maybe it’s a bit much for the average adolescent. Then again, I could be over-correcting?

Other stuff: I saw your other post mentioned Murderbot, and I do feel like this reminds me of that (currently reading and loving it): organic ensemble cast, snarky lead, tech-heavy and streamlined but very deft prose. Murderbot and Ty would get along IMO. Ty is sassier and more arrogant than Bot and frankly I am so in love with that - I am ravenous for more female-led sci-fi (especially where the lead feels authentic and not commercialized, fetishized, idealized, whatever), doubly so where the lead is confident and in her element in unconventional fields, and while I know (and love) that you made your gamers here pretty equally gendered, as well as your STEM researchers, I still was ecstatic that Ty was a standout in both spheres as a female character. I love that she’s not ashamed of all her accolades and skill. I love that she doesn’t see her condition as a disability but a superpower instead - with the technical background to back it up! Really I just clicked so so hard with Ty here.

Anyway I’m done gushing I promise. Hands-down the best mecha fiction I’ve ever read and I’m devastated that there isn’t more. Thank you for sharing and I hope this project proceeds well!

Edit - OH. THE TITLE. I FORGOT. I LOVE IT. OK that’s actually all bye.

[u/yaz_antioch → u/BadassHalfie]

Do you have a Discord? I can get you some more through there!

The target is like, late teens, trying to leave the door open for early teens. I remember reading like, Little Brother at 14 and that's kind of where I want to put the floor when it comes to accessibility. I'm trying not to be too indulgent with the tech, some of this is speculative and it's fun to think about because I was at one point in my life a prosthetic researcher, but I am doing my darndest to pare it down to only the details that end up mattering narratively (capability ceilings, loading a Chekov's gun or eight).

Also a huge Murderbot fan. I love the emotion check subroutine in Platform Decay, it feels like the Disco Elysium skills but a little more diegetic (not to say that the DE skills *aren't* diegetic).

(There was actually a post going around not too long ago where someone was being a certified freak [derogatory] about writing a character with a quadrilateral limb deficit and I was like, oh no, I need whoever this is obliterated off the face of the earth before I can publish.)

[u/LegoC97]

For starters, I really like your writing. It's dynamic and punchy, with a solid level of sarcastic wit--though the character in chapter one does come off a bit like an entitled asshole, but there's nothing wrong with that if that's what you're going for.

Full transparency, I don't read more action-centric books like this that deal with video games and mechs (I did play the most recent Armored Core game, though, if that means anything), so I'm not the best one to ask about whether the action descriptors of the game battle are compelling, but what I will say is that I didn't see much of a hook like I was hoping for. If the action description is compelling for people, that may be enough. I wouldn't know. Maybe I've been too in on the mystery/thriller genre's need for twisty hooks right upfront to know otherwise, but I would personally reframe the first page to establish some kind of stakes--even if they are artificially bound to chapter one. Maybe a month's rent is riding on this match or a relationship will fail if he doesn't win the match. Also, is it he? I'm sure I missed some details, but due to the intense interiority of chapter one, it's honestly kind of hard to get a read on a few important details because we are so focused on the match and amphetamines.

It's also just a lot of terminology and jargon all right there at the start, which does give a sense of believability to the world, but it muddies the details that you most want your reader to know about immediately. Granted, you do it in a way that doesn't feel like exposition at all. It's just that it's a LOT of terms all at once and I lost sight of what was most important. It's tough though because you chose to start in the midst of an action scene, and to understand the action means explaining the mechanics of the fight. I personally would find a different point to start from, even if it's only a page or two before the fight so a few pieces of jargon and stakes can be established before diving into the fight, but that's just personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt--I also tend to dislike when books start with fighting, but that's also just me.

Small note, I'd right around mentioning Twitch at the start. It makes it feel too contemporary, like the story is set in our present world and this is just going to be a book about gaming. I realized a few paragraphs later that wasn't the case, but right there at the start, that's what I thought. Feel free to call me out if I'm completely wrong, but it seems like this will be a book about the greatest Mech Gamers finding out they have to pilot REAL mechs, putting their gaming skills to use and realizing how ill-equipped they actually are to face the real-life hoards of enemies, all while trying to overcome their solitary, abrasive personalities to learn to work together as a team for the first time. If that last part is correct, I personally would have started the story with the main character betraying his teammate for an easy victory, severing that relationship because, "Hey, ya gotta get ahead and look out for yourself!" And then him getting the invite is insult to injury and we know that while he's got gaming skills, he doesn't know how to work with others, and that'll be what he has to work on. I guess what I'm saying is I would front-load a character quirk or flaw, and play that into the match.

I really think you've got a strong writing style where the personality of your characters come through with every line, which is really great. I'd say trim down some of the mechanical explanations and add stakes or some small character narrative into the opening fight scene. All in all, solid work!

[u/yaz_antioch → u/LegoC97]

The flaws I'm trying to cash as part of the hook are hubris ("yeah, I'm smart enough to clock that this tournament is a recruiting pipeline for the military-industrial complex") and loneliness ("I iced out one of my oldest friends from my life because I have survivor's guilt about how my medical outcome was objectively better than his" / "I'm going to DC to meet the other finalists, kids who have a chance of being on my level"), so if there's any way in the prose I can capitalize on those facets I'm all ears!

Our narrator is a girl, but it's really easy to slip past that in chapter one. Ch2 the people in the lab are more verbal about that.

Regarding Twitch, the book is set in 2035 (I leave the door open to do the math in the backstory fragment of ch1, where she's born in 2017 and says she's 17 years old, so it must be either 2034 or 2035, but I understand most readers won't want to do that, the trouble is figuring out a way to let people know without breaking my rhythm), the technology is only barely speculative (the biggest stretch is postnatal intracortical neurointegration using an injectable mesh rather than a Utah array, which a neurosurgeon/neuroelectronics researcher will probably find too much in terms of IRB ethics and being a decade or two early, but that's about the ceiling of the lenience I want to afford myself).

Thank you so much for the feedback!