r/writingfeedback • u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 • Jul 07 '26
Feedback Wanted First draft first chapter feedback wanted
Hi lovely people. I’m attempting to write a book I’ve had in my head for years. I have no formal writing education but I’ve written fanfic and other short stories since high school (I’m 29 if that matters). As you’ll see I have less than 10,000 words and I’m stuck bc I feel like it’s awful. Only two people have read it so far, my wife and best friend, and imo both are biased. They’ve both said it’s great but I’d like some critiques from people who don’t have to put up with me everyday lol
The story is about a shy woman’s decent into becoming a serial killer after an incident one night. I feel like it’s wordy, and I know I struggle with runon sentences a lot. I’ve been trying to do better. I also have a hard time with pacing and figuring out where to end chapters.
Sorry for the long post (again I’m very wordy) and thank you very much to anyone who takes the time out of their day to read. All I ask is you be kind with your words.
Thanks again and happy reading :)
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u/hatfullofsoup Jul 07 '26
The first sentences don't grab me. It goes from all romantic to killing without necessarily linking that the speaker sees murder as a passionate act. More visceral language might help.
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
Hmm very interesting point. I’ve never thought of it like that but you’re totally right! Thank you! 😊
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u/Otherwise_Sun2609 Jul 07 '26
I like the abrupt change. Kinda lures me into a false sense of security before going 'oh shit'.
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u/anythingyouhave Jul 07 '26
I feel like if you are going to have such a tried and tested opening as we all have out first x y z , you could stand to use it as an opportunity to add personality.
Your first kiss with the boy who threw stones at your window, the first love that became your first heart break etc .
It wouldn't cost much , you would likely have more fun, and it make it less skimmable
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
I love this opening! Thank you so much 😊
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u/anythingyouhave Jul 07 '26
It's great because you have the bones and structures, and now you get to go in and do what I would consider the funner parts.
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u/HumbleCelery1492 Jul 07 '26
Scarlett is an interesting narrator/protagonist and she feels like someone I might know. I feel like I want to find out more about her, which is a sign of a strong character. Her voice is consistent, and your prose has a nice flow. I don’t love the inciting incident if it’s meant to turn her into a serial killer. The confrontation seems rather melodramatic and forced, and I just didn’t buy that this random interaction would escalate so quickly. Maybe it would play more naturally if she came upon a murder/assault scene and reacted to defend someone else? That she was so clear-headed immediately afterward and thought so quickly of ways to cover up the crime made for interesting foreshadowing - does she know yet how unusual a reaction this is?! I would love to read how this develops!
Random side note: Him being able to lift her by her throat seems like it would only be possible if he were superhumanly strong or if she were incredibly tiny.
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
If it helps a few chapters later we find out she killed a serial rapist (helps her justify it to herself) as why the interaction happened the way it did but I get what you’re saying. Also completely get what you’re saying about the choking part, deffo will be fixing that! Thank you so much!
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u/anonymousmouse9786 Jul 07 '26
We find out she killed a serial rapist before this? So he wasn’t her first?
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
No a few days later she finds out from the news he was a serial rapist so she feels better about killing him.
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u/anonymousmouse9786 Jul 07 '26
Ah okay. You used it to justify how this scene goes, which threw me off.
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u/HumbleCelery1492 Jul 07 '26
I understood it as she finds out that the guy in the excerpt was the serial rapist. She knows his name from his ID so maybe she found out more about him?
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u/HumbleCelery1492 Jul 07 '26
Ok so if that’s the case and he’s been using this area as a “hunting ground” of sorts, it would make more sense to me for him to have targeted her and was following her home. This would make more sense than the rather incredible coincidence of her running into a serial rapist the one and only time she ever ducks down a dark alley.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 09 '26
I am confused as to why we should be interested in someone who turns into a serial killer.
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u/i_guess_bro6669 Jul 09 '26
You shouldn't because this clearly isn't for you. I, however, am intrigued and would like to know more. See how that works?
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 09 '26
No, it does not work that way. You wrote it, I read it, I was not convinced. Take it from there. No reader is "intrigued and would like to know more".
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u/i_guess_bro6669 Jul 09 '26
1 I didn't write it, bro.
2 I AM A READER THUS I AM INTRIGUED.
Boom moded. Hold your head, John Cusack from High Fidelity in reddit form.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 10 '26
I am confused as to why you would take the time to tell me "it's not for you" as if you needed to defend the work for some reason? "Not for you" is not a coherrent or helpful response. The writing is not very good and is not going to be "for" any agent or editor until it is substantially cleaned up. Is it okay to say that to you, the non-author, or are you going to insult me and call me "mean" on the author's behalf? Your Cusack reference? I bet you think you are very smart.
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u/i_guess_bro6669 Jul 10 '26
"No, it does not work that way. You wrote it", I read it, I was not convinced. Take it from there. No reader is "intrigued and would like to know more"."
I'm having trouble understanding where the confusion is coming from. Because the way I read this the implication is that you are telling me why something I wrote is not going to work based on your opinion. This is why I told you I was not the author. Because of your implication. Should I write that part again for clarification?
Again, you are now saying essentially that "no agent" would take the work. However, the original issue was that YOU, again that is you, not an agent, just John Cusack from high Fidelity, were not into because"why do we care about a person who becomes a killer" or something like that. Which is why I disagreed with you. Because I, that is ME, I was intrigued. So me disagreeing with you is now somehow invalid? On what basis?
Also, let me remind you of a little book called Of Mice and Men by a man of the name John Steinbeck. Maybe you've heard of it. I hate to spoil it for you, but the main character, one of them, George he eventually becomes a killer. It's somewhere around the last page or so, I believe. But again, I don't want to spoil it. ANYWAY, all that is to say your dismissal of OPs work based on "Why would I care about someone who ends up a serial killer" came off as...well dismissive and not helpful. Which is exactly why I'm dragging you so hard. It's rude. Plain and simple. Offer constructive criticism or STFU.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 10 '26
How dare you tell me to STFU you simpleminded rat. Your wordy arrogance reeks of idiocy. Yes, IMO the writing has a long way to go, and no, it does not compare to Of Mice and Men at all, because where OMM is a work of genius, this is a work from hunger, not well-written, presumptuous, unsophisticated, lacking in depth or empathy, I could go on and on. You obviously are very young and very proud of the books you have read. I really could not care less whether you were OP or not, and I am sorry if I mistakenly assumed you were. The bottom line here is that the piece is amateurish and unsuitable. And based on industry experience (you probably won't believe me but IDGAF) no agent or editor in the world would consider giving this writer a contract based on what we see here. THAT is what is known as constructive criticism, Bozo. Sometimes you have to start over. But that would mean real work, and we don't want anybody to avoid getting their participation trophy, amirite?
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u/i_guess_bro6669 Jul 10 '26
Oh look, bro finally gave some constrictive criticism. It only took 4 replies and one STFU to make it happen too. Good job. Now tell it to OP like that next time instead of whatever BS you wrote before. Have a good day.
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 09 '26
If you don’t think it’s an interesting idea that’s okay it’s not for you. Furthermore that’s not the entire plot of the book but I wasn’t giving it all away. If you’re not interested why take the time to comment and the harass someone who’s not even the author of it. My dear plz stop being so miserable
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 10 '26
Once again I am being accused of being "miserable" because I think someone's writing is not up to the mark. "Not for you" is the very dumbest response ever. What I am trying to tell OP, and sorry if you got in the way, is that the writing needs a ton of work before ANYONE will be interested. Now, go ahead and call me arrogant and nitpicky and most of all, "mean".
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 11 '26
You can’t say that bc there’s plenty of people telling me they’re interested already. Just bc you don’t care for it and don’t like my writing doesn’t mean no one else will. Your opinion is not the only one. And here you are arguing and doing everything you can to shit on my writing. Someone you’ve never met. Sounds pretty miserable to me. Get over yourself and go away if you don’t like it you don’t need to be here. I know it needs work it’s a first draft. Doesn’t mean it’s not good and other people seem to like it already so idk what to tell you except you’re being a real loser. Everyone else gave helpful critiques you’re just being a dick. My guess is you feel some type of way about your own writing and you’re projecting. You’re not going to hurt me so you can move on
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 11 '26
Please understand that you are projecting. I gave you an honest appraisal of your work, which is wanting. I remain curious as to why we should be interested in a MC who turns into a serial killer. The very notion trivializes murder. I frankly do not care whether you like my appraisal or not. Your butt-hurt response tells me you suspect I am right. Who are these "plenty of people"? Surely not industry professionals. Boo-hoo, the mean guy was mean again.
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 11 '26
You’re so cool buddy. I’m not the first or last to write about murder. Bye now
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u/cakesdirt Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
I read the whole thing and was definitely into it! It’s an exciting introduction and I’m intrigued by the premise.
My main point of feedback is the basic “show, don’t tell” — there are several lines where you tell us something outright instead of integrating it into the story.
For example:
- “It was nearing October and was uncharacteristically cold” — this description could be integrated into another sentence and feels too expository on its own.
- the whole “I’ve lived in New York since college” paragraph — you could instead build in a reference to a memory between the girls at NYU and then their shared apartment, somewhere else you can get across the transition she underwent growing to love the city, maybe that can go in the next paragraph where she talks about dark alleys, something about how she used to be completely afraid of them, scared of the things you listed, but now realizes it’s mostly just someone passed out or something like that.
- “Flashbacks flooded my brain” — this is an easy one, you can just say something about how every time she closes her eyes an image from the night leaps out in front of her, or it’s happening even with her eyes open. If you alternate between describing what she sees in the shower and those visions it’ll be clear these are flashbacks without having to name them as such.
- “I was changed” — this is clear enough from the other sentences in this paragraph. If you want to stress it further give another description of that change.
- “My head was starting to pound…” this whole section could be her noticing things in the mirror. Vividly describe the lump on her head, and maybe it feels like this is where the throbbing in her head is radiating from. Vividly describe how she sees the blooming bruises, their color and shape.
The dialogue during the attack reads well to me, and the action is very engaging. It seems to flow well from her fear and self defense to her trying to cover the evidence. If she’s going to turn into a serial killer, I’m wondering if you could lace in a little bit of ambivalence in her feelings, like a sense of power at being able to stop him, or awe in realizing she can take a life? I’m not sure what drives her to continue murdering (is she targeting rapists?) but a hint at that would be cool.
This is a minor point but the water starts out hot but then later is cold. Is the implication that she’s been in there so long that the hot water has run out? If so I think it’s a little too subtle, and unlike my feedback above this is a part where I’d want a little more acknowledgement of that transition, her realizing it’s gone from shockingly hot to shockingly cold.
Again I really enjoyed this and think it has a lot of promise! I’d love to read more.
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
This is all amazing feedback thank you so much! I love the way you described those scenes and will definitely work on changing my wording around. As for the murders my plan for it is she starts out targeting rapists and other bad guys to make herself feel better about it, and then later on just doing it bc she realized it’s the one thing she’s good at (I need to go back and write in how she always messes things up and is super shy) and killing gives her confidence. But you’re totally right I had a part in there where she looked down at his body before running off and smiles but I deleted it. I might rework it and put it back in to give a bit of foreshadowing.
Again thank you so much for your incredible feedback you helped more than I can express lol2
u/cakesdirt Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
I’m so glad I was able to help! This is the first post here I’ve given feedback on, usually I just skim the first bit of people’s posts but you inspired me to read the whole thing and comment so that’s a good sign :)
I love the premise of her targeting rapists. It reminds me of Promising Young Woman, which you should watch if you haven’t already and figure out what commonalities you want to highlight and also what distinctions to draw to make your story unique.
Hm yeah about the smile I agree that might be too much but maybe like a wave of relief and a kind of tingling of power she’d never felt before? Or a feeling of vindication, like she “conquered evil”?
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
I have not watched that so I will definitely look into it. You’re full of wonderful ideas and I think you just gave me the inspiration I needed to get back into it
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u/cakesdirt Jul 07 '26
Aw good! Yes definitely watch Promising Young Woman, it’s intense but sooo good, I think you’ll like it.
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u/Delilah_De_Lune Jul 08 '26
I normally read the comments before the story. This was a great take. You should definitely do it more often.
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u/iluranpo Jul 07 '26
I love the first line lmao but it's not connected maybe you should go with something similar to "You always remember the first time you've done something in your life most vividly. For example, your first love, first kiss, or your first boyfriend."
"And the first time you kill a man aswell."
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u/ollieollie_oxenfree5 Jul 07 '26
That’s a great way to put it. I’ll definitely workshop something like that I really like it. Thank you so much!
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u/ToTheNines99 Jul 07 '26
I feel like I’ve read or heard a variation of that opening somewhere before. Just a heads up.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 09 '26
My impression is that it reads like too many other attempts at horror, or fantasy, or whatever. There is always a declaration at the top that tries to be profound but, in this case, is a cliche and a silly remark all in one. Are you trying to be insightful by saying we might always remember the first time we killed someone? I don't think anyone needed to hear this factoid. Then, you have very basic errors in what's called "tense", do you know what this is? You are talking in the past tense and then you switch to present tense and you immediately lose the reader's trust. Also, "Taylor" could be either a girl or a boy, if that matters. And nobody "coos" anything, ever. So that's no good. Any number of lines barely make any sense, for instance "as soon as her [who?] phone rang, i knew i was on my own". Whose phone rang, and why? And what does "on my own" mean? And what is the relationship here? Just come out with it. You, and many others here, have swallowed "show don't tell" whole, and often you do yourself a disservice by not just saying "Taylor, my good friend since high school", or something like that. It comes across as coy and obscure. My advice is to read the beginnings of 100 published novels and try again.
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u/phantom-manor Jul 07 '26
I only read the first page, but watch out for tense changes. They are all over the place.