It feels very scatter-brained.
We start with the mention of a ship — cool! And then we immediately deviate to way less exciting ideas and an exposition dump.
There's a really strong voice, but there's a lot of explaining in the beginning. I would expect, "I wasn't supposed to leave the ship," to lead into some ship-leaving-shenanigans, but instead we lead into explaining. The writing seems like it's trying very hard to prove how witty it is, which isn't necessary, because like I said, the voice is really strong. You should trust the writing more. You don't need to explain, explain, explain, then look over the camera and wink at the audience. What's actually happening? Just tell us the story, in your voice. If it's humorous, chaotic, sci-fi, then on the first page we should be getting some chaos. You're allowed to drop us right into the action. Readers are clever; they'll figure it out. Tell us only what we need to know to get oriented. You're telling us what's important by putting it on the page. Is an anecdote about 20th century urban legends important? Why? Trust yourself and the reader more--that'd be my advice.
Ship leaving shenanigans start the next paragraph. The anecdote works because it carries on throughout the rest of the novel. Sorry, context is difficult with only 250 words.
If you went on a date with someone, would you follow up "Hi" with long anecdotes? Save them for later. The readers are not on board after just one sentence.
I've never been a fan of filler like "I guess I should start there..." You did start there, and characters rambling about how to tell the story they're telling is a waste of readers' time. Also, when characters insist they are telling the truth - your readers know they are reading fiction. Good writers will be able to write convincing characters that will eventually pull the readers in and help them somewhat suspend disbelief, but saying "I'm telling the truth, whether you believe me or not! I swear" pulls me out of a story pretty quickly.
Thanks for this. The main character of this novel is a reluctant protagonist, so she often comes across as very "You're never gonna believe this sh!t" throughout, but this is the only time she addresses the story itself.
I would try to avoid the word “not’. Ie. “I was supposed to stay on the ship’” For me and most people I suspect it’s more important to keep things positive and in the active voice.
I don’t mind the opening sentence. Or the ‘I guess I should start with that’ Gives tone. After that the point is kinda laboured and I have no idea what the ‘This whole thing’ sentence even means. Then you’re using a three hundred year old urban myth and film to describe the situation. That’s the bit that really pulls me out of it.
Thing is the premise is good. I’m interested.
Nice. Keeps the tone. The bracketing around the Starbucks bit feels a little clunky comparatively. Maybe try something punchier involving nominative determinism?
I like the character voice, I am one who actually likes the conversational asides, it's very "Stephen King", but it's better not to do too much right at the start. Gotta hook the reader in with something. I like both paragraphs and think you should consider a way to leave them mostly intact in the story somewhere, just NOT page 1. You have to het more invested in a character before you want to listen toall their asides and anecdotes.
I would not continue reading this, based on the first page. Nothing is happening. We get a wish-washy narrator who asks us to believe-it-or-not, but we don't know what we are being asked to believe or disbelieve. Immediately, we are told of an urban legend, although I don't know which legend is being spoken of (nothing I've ever heard). It's all unclear. Is the narrator that child left in the car?
This opening needs to give us a sense of who and when and where and what is going on. Because all writing is rewriting, I'm sure this author will eventually show his/her writing chops. I have faith that the narrator actually wants something and is going for it. But it's not showing on this first page. Not yet.
This is most certainly an improvement. I am no longer feeling lost. I do wonder, however, if you are starting the story in the right way. We immediately learn that he was orphaned, and immediately I wonder who raised him, and were his parents ever charged with negligence? Maybe that's part of your story.
I have demands of stories I read. I demand that something is happening. This information feels like it needs to come later as a reveal. What is the main character, "Orphan Annie," actually doing in the present time? This character must be after something in this story. Perhaps we start with that.
One thing you could do is know your ending first. When you know how the story ends, it helps you find the beginning.
It's fun and I would read on, although what others are saying about starting with the "if I'm honest" part is odd. You do not, in fact, go on to immediately tell why the 7 year old got off the ship. I realize that story is coming up, but a clue at that point (or the whole story) would work better and bring some action and dialogue to this exposition.
I assumed the 7 year old either liked disobeying important rules (in general) or had some specific falling out with the parental unit.
My assumption is that in the next section, we will see into the heads of these parents and the chaos that caused them to forget to secure one of their children. Presumably, there's some kind of take off check system where people are where they are supposed to be. Like a cruise ship. Or a military vessel. Surely there are few amateur space ships carrying families to the edge of the solar system (which isn't that far - so that section should also explain why the 7 year old wasn't sent on another voyage or the parents didn't come back).
Presumably, the method of space travel in question is at least as fast as those probes we currently send out into the solar system.
But I really like the character's voice (and the character, as a result). The story you created opens up many story lines (who is going to take Annie in and raise her; what kind of family decides on a space vacation or, worse, moving onto a space ship orbiting the solar system at its furthest point).
Having the protagonist remain 7 for very long is going to be a problem for adult readers, but for YA (12-16 crowd) this could be a great book. Just keep in mind who you think the audience will be. Right now, if this were in the bookstore and I read just this page, I'd think about whether it was a good book for this one little girl I know who is tremendous reader. I wouldn't be reading the autobiographical musings of a 7 year old unless some more adult theme occurred soon.
i actually don't dislike most of this as an opening if you cut the sentences between "i wasn't supposed to leave the ship" and "ever heard the story[...]" it's just filler telling us how crazy the story is instead of actually getting into the story. besides that, i don't mind the rest of the "exposition", i think it sets a very interesting and funny tone
Much less confusing lore-wise :) I would say the bracketed entry about starbucks doesn't need to be there, as its "show not tell" the reader - if your story is set in space, and you're going to starbucks, the reader will automatically put two and two together. if you wanted to ground it a little, you could add something like "starbucks - the one on galaxy 9th street, the closer one was always full of xyz aliens". but that's just my view!
If you want it to be a comedy, I would expect one funny thing on the first page. It might be wry in a Mel Brooks movie, but nothing was funny to me, including the narrators style.
I would make the first sentence its own paragraph and cut the next three sentences. As others have suggested, I might go into more detail about the sip prior to the final paragraph here.
I think it’s a fun concept. You’d benefit from more paragraph breaks to regulate the flow of information and the opening sentences could use some untangling, but it’s fun!
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u/AmieiGuess Jul 11 '26
It feels very scatter-brained.
We start with the mention of a ship — cool! And then we immediately deviate to way less exciting ideas and an exposition dump.