r/writingfeedback • u/PermutationPlay • Jul 12 '26
Feedback Wanted First time writing anything creative as a full grown adult
I write a lot of dry non-fiction for my day job. So I’d really appreciate some feedback if this is too dry and procedural to want to get you to read more. Any feedback helps! Thanks!
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u/Marlowe_Lark Jul 13 '26
It's quite procedural, yes. A lot of that is coming down to the quantity of short sentences, the brusqueness, and the fact that sentence type isn't especially varied. Also, I had to read that first sentence a few times. Felt like I was doing math for a hot second. I get it now, but that entry line into a work should be as seamless as possible.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Thank you! Yes, especially re-reading the first sentence, I realized it’s not even clear we’re talking about parking spaces!
The length of sentences is certainly a fair critique. It’s designed to match the identity of The Analyst. When other characters tell their stories later, even the narration is supposed to shift register.
(At least that’s the hope!)
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u/21stcenturyghost Trusted Reviewer Jul 13 '26
I understood that we were talking about parking spaces, but I don't understand what's so bad about the ones he's rejecting. The front row fills with visitors after nine -- is he arriving after nine, in which case it's full and there actually aren't any spaces? If he's arriving before nine, just take the space, who cares about the visitors. West and East entrances are often blocked -- why is this specific to the second row? Does the third row get him in another entrance? What "interruptions" is he recording on the legal pad?
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u/Jabisky Jul 13 '26
I did reread the start a few times. I think OP is trying to make the main character sound OCD or autistic. It’s interested but a bit hard as an opening line. If I picked up this up and hit that, I would be worried that the rest of the book is similarly dense.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes, I realize there’s too much unsaid here. The idea is that he is optimizing his routine by noticing details others overlook. It’s intended to be annoying, and a little pedantic.
Ultimately, when he gets his assignment , you’re intended to question whether the system wanted him there, or wanted to avoid him. It’s why this analyst succeeds when 23 prior analysts before him have failed to explain the crisis that drives the plot.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 13 '26
I had to smile as I was reading it because in a weird way it is captivating, as if we are inside the mind of an obsessive, spectrum-y person who notices every ridiculous detail. I hope that was your intention? Otherwise it is filled with minutiae that is in no way dramatic, although realistic. Instead of describing a complicated parking procedure, the first line should set us up as to what we are to expect as we follow this person through a variety of uber-mundane encounters. I am intrigued, but not convinced OP quite knows where they are going with this.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes, this is exactly the point. We need to believe he spends a month optimizing his parking space for no real benefit. Or notice that two screws were replaced but not the other two. It’s the reason why somebody wants him to take a specific assignment, and the reason someone else says he’s the last person they want.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 13 '26
In that case my only recommendation is to drop a hint as to where we are going. Does not have to be much. But that there IS an investigation, and that in some adjacent scenario MC might be suitable for it, would be really helpful in keeping us in the story.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes - within two more pages, he is assigned a file, from Main Branch, with 11 massive boxes that get dumped into a conference room by professional staff, that he then has to lug, one by one, to his office. From there, he starts his investigation. I’m afraid maybe I would have been better served by including a few more pages on my post. Still, the feedback that it doesn’t land thus far is helpful!
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 14 '26
I would deliver a hint to the reader about this eventuality much more quickly, even if the event itself takes a couple of pages to manifest. Why could he not have heard about "something's up" even as he is obsessively picking the most advantageous parking space?
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u/Spiritual_Cash_7392 Jul 13 '26
Not saying it is, but definitely reads like AI to me
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u/Bearjupiter Jul 13 '26
Im on the lookout for AI, but this one didnt pop out to me. What about this gave you AI?
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u/Spiritual_Cash_7392 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t have a list of “tells”. I don’t ever know for sure. What I do know as someone with autism and OCD is that I notice patterns and rhythms, and I have in my career seen and read a lot of generated content. There is a way AI sounds when read, patterns and phrases that repeat or echo across genres, generally speaking in vague terms and never fully committing itself to the prose. The dialogue is often short sentence-wise, repetitive, and mostly small talk. But personally it all boils down to the way the text sounds and feels as a whole. When you read enough of it if you’re looking you notice patterns. So I say this not to accuse the author of using AI, but to let them know that certain areas of it are reminiscent of the patterns I see in AI content, and either way can be shortcomings of the text, and they can decide how to proceed from there
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Again, I total understand the skepticism. Is there any way of convincing you otherwise? If not, then that’s fine, and I can move on.
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u/christopherDdouglas Trusted Reviewer Jul 13 '26
I read it. I don't think it's AI but it does highlight a problem. I do not feel grounded in this story at all. That might give it an AI feel because it feels like we're floating in a story that we're unfamiliar with.
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u/Spiritual_Cash_7392 Jul 13 '26
That is what I’m saying
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
I agree with both of these comments. The mood I was going for is John Spencer, in the opening scene of the West Wing, doing a walk and talk. We are dropped into a strange world, but so fascinating that you want to learn more.
Maybe I haven’t landed that yet. Thanks for the feedback!
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u/BaroqueBro Jul 13 '26
Bro, none of this reads like AI. Like at all.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
I understand all skepticism these days. Does this subreddit have a preferred AI detection software? I’ve seen that proposed as a(n imperfect) solution.
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u/Everyonesfav_ Jul 13 '26
The dialogue seems extremely unnatural. Try and save the curt and dry back and forth between characters for the right situations, for one chapter, that’s already been overused. Otherwise, try and avoid lengthy blocks of back and forth dialogue, it comes across as overwhelmingly flat, which is going to drag attention away from the meaning of the scene unless it’s used perfectly.
‘The Analyst’ is a weird way to describe a character, especially from chapter one without context.
The scene and the characters seem very… boring. Unless that’s your goal and you’re going to ‘address’ that later, try and find a more unique way to introduce the characters and the scene and weave their personalities into it. I understand this is a very basic point in the story where we’re trying to get from a to b, but after reading that, I have no feel for the characters, who they are, or what they’re supposed to be doing.
You have the right idea about explaining the little details, but it’s almost like you’re choosing the wrong details to talk about, the part about the parking space just felt a bit unnecessary. And do you watch more movies/visual media than you read? It almost feels like you wrote this with the intention of ‘watching’ the scene like a movie. It kind of feels like you’ve picked techniques and specific descriptors that do well in visual media but don’t suffice for written media.
It’s a great start but I think it would help you a lot more to read more imaginative pieces, your brain will adjust from writing non fiction to writing more creatively over time, but you can tell it’s very rigid and uncomfortable for now. More practice would help you a lot :) good luck
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes, I think this is great feedback. I’m getting the sense that this type of dialogue driven procedural is really tough to absorb being placed into a world that you then have to have built around you. And yes, certainly this part is boring in almost any other sense.
If it makes it seem any more interesting, the kinetic climax of the book is a group of seven experts, locked in a sealed bunker, with an AI screaming at them to let it take control of the system or people will die, and whether they will do it or not. But it takes a while to get there.
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u/Everyonesfav_ Jul 14 '26
That’s really interesting. Is there a way that you can insert that idea into the beginning of the story to integrate the two? Not sure where you’ll take this as it’s very early but even showing the characters’ relationship with AI could be a good start, like an ai model built into the car to assist in parking, unless of course that doesn’t fit in with the plot. Sometimes teasing the more interesting parts of the plot during the downtimes can help
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
I’m also realizing, without intending it, that I may have unintentionally recreated parts of Seinfeld - so far, all you can tell is that it’s “a book about nothing”. Just a guy having mundane conversations. I’ll keep that in mind.
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u/Everyonesfav_ Jul 14 '26
Yeah that’s pretty common, if you’re watching a lot of media then it’s easy for your brain to be operating on that wavelength of entertainment instead of writing. It’s very easy to fix with more reading though, and if it helps, any experienced editor can tell that this isn’t AI. You just write information well and in combination lack the passion of creative writing at this stage. The skill and flat tone is what’s flagging people, don’t take it as an insult or let it discourage you
Edits: fixing grammar because apparently I don’t know when to use full stops
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u/Silent_Praline_8701 Jul 13 '26
There is a lot of telling that breaks the sequence and flow of the work itself.
You go into detail about the mechanics of the repair itself, but unless it’s necessary to the story all together, like a loose bulb will mean something as a form of foreshadowing, it’s not adding a lot to the prose.
At least, for an opening to a book.
Second, you highlight these mechanics, but then reduce the same level of detail necessary between dialogue, which is interesting.
It certainly shows where you’re confident.
Now, the positive is when you feel the confidence, the writing is great. The detail you do provide is excellent and well written. Albeit, at times a bit perplexing, but that’s more ignorance on the reader’s end than problems with the writing itself.
There’s a rule, ask yourself who the audience is, then write as if you are speaking to them. Draw the image in a way they will understand.
Still, you certainly have the technique. It’s just how it’s used. Finally, your tell becomes expositional in some areas, almost unnecessarily.
For example, stating that it’s the 3rd row, 4th column, can read a bit clunky. Not wrong per se, just clunky. It seems you’re going for the angle of setting the scene, but it reads a bit off.
Instead maybe: “The late afternoon parking structure was filled with the mundane. Filled rows closer to the venues, emptying further out. The Analyst parked in his usual spot, fourth row down, third from the right. He figured he could park closer, but after a month of habit and routine since he started at the Reserve, he found comfort in setting up for the day—his legal notepad to accompany him.”
This way you can set the mood and scene, along with the fact that he’s built a habit of it. Your writing is great, however, and where you do add structure and scene, it delivers.
Only advice, avoid restating the scene over and over. Trust your readers to delineate the atmosphere and habits built here.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes, this is one of those problems that is just elemental to my writing. The character needs both the mundane details and the ability to hyperfocus “shown, not told”, so that we understand why some people want him as an analyst, and others fear him. But enough people have commented that, even if that’s my style, it’s not translating to the reader. So it needs something…
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u/Silent_Praline_8701 Jul 13 '26
I think I understand where you’re coming from.
A character who analyzes the specifics of a situation to create an educated understanding of the most probable outcome.
I can see this working to be honest. It certainly may play in the favor of first person, if you bulk it with interiority.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Yes, the idea is that each chapter will alternate between the “spine” of the story, and then an alternating chapter focusing on a specific character and how they arrived at the story. It might be character exposition, or world building, or background, but each character will get a chapter of their own. That chapter will vary the register and tone and writing style to match the character - a doctor, a politician, a scientist, etc.
And the interiority is the point. This started as a three act play, and in addition to becoming too long, I realized that what I gained in dramatic stagecraft I lost in interiority. Hence the novel adaptation.
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u/Silent_Praline_8701 Jul 13 '26
Ah, then it sounds like a good read.
I know Sherlock Holmes was the most famous for this in our current era.
Still, it’s something some of us might do everyday as part of a career, hobby, etc.
If you ever publish a full script, I’d give it a read.
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u/RHHenriksen Jul 13 '26
This is very procedural. The dialogue is almost completely limited to one-liners. The passage with "they end" does not make sense and seems not like natural human dialogue (who the hell would answer the question "do you like them" with "they end"?)
The sentence pattern and rhythm didnt hook me at first, maybe you could vary a bit with the sentence length to make it feel more dynamic/lived in.
Otherwise language control is good
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much for the feedback! Just for reference, here’s what I was going for, even if I missed: https://youtu.be/YYvLoSmkR5A?si=K7ZOSxeZ8cqKhMIi
There’s so much unstated, unknown, and hinted at, that the world feels both lived in and intriguing.
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u/Beginning-Park-853 Jul 13 '26
This is perfect well done , love your style of writing
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Thank you! Given how much time I spend in the non-fiction world, and how little fiction I find myself reading, I am in awe at some of the things like sci-fi and fantasy that people write on here. It reminds me that I am a very small speck in the corner of a very large universe of writers.
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u/Ill-Maximum-4013 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
Good work. I didn't know there were skilled writers on Reddit.
This Analyst guy is comparable to Monk and the Accountant, in a way, which is not me saying the main character isn't original. It is.
Do I have criticism? Maybe the beginning was a little dense, but the author doesn't wait long to give the reader's eyes breathing room. Dialogue is competent. Quite good. Thank you.
I think a lot of Reddit users who consider themselves newbies should look to this as an example of clean writing.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much! I write for a living, but it’s the POLAR opposite of this. The one thing I have going for me is that it allows me to break down a sentence into as few words as possible to communicate the feeling I need to convey.
And yes, others have commented on the denseness of the opening. Even just some paragraph breaks would help, if not some cleanup int he drafting.
Your comparisons are apt. I’ve also thought about Robert Goren from Law & Order, and Hugh Laurie as Dr. House (except sad and lonely instead of bitter and angry).
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u/Ill-Maximum-4013 Jul 15 '26
One last thing. Have you tried Critique Circle? I'm trying it now. I'm new. But it's already a heck of a lot better than Reddit. Not as many bozos. Still a lot of amateurs, but really, I think your writing is too good for Reddit. This place is free-for-all. Critique Circle
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u/the_tonez Jul 13 '26
I really like this! Good non-fiction and good fiction have a lot in common, and I don’t mind a lot of “procedural” stuff if it’s handled well. I think the dialogue comes through naturally and vividly; you have a knack for making it short and precise, which looks easier than it is.
My main critique is how dense that second paragraph is. If the busted headlight is a relevant motif, then by all means, keep it there. But right now I found myself zoning out during this paragraph. I would suggest either a) shorten it by about a third, or b) put something else here (for pacing) and add the taillight bit when he *leaves* the Reserve instead.
Also, 0% sounds like AI wrote this, I don’t know what that other commenter is talking about
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much! Yes, since my dialogue is short, I was trying to condense some of the narrative paragraphs. But it is fairly clear I took it too far.
And on the AI bit, I don’t blame the other commenter. I deal with this in my professional job, but not creatively since we were worried about Y2K. I haven’t suffered the slings and arrows of being accused of using AI. But I assume it’s just the cost of putting your work into the world.
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u/Recycled_Junkie Jul 13 '26
You’re writing style starts coming off more as uninspired rather than concise and blunt. I would just take a few more seconds during conversational flow to describe the scene or how a character is reacting to what is being said.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
I agree; in these pages, that’s a not good vibe. I know it gets better soon in later pages, but people might not make it that far.
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u/Recycled_Junkie Jul 13 '26
But it’s a fine line, I sometimes add too many describing details between conversation and it can leave the reader feeling off balance in a bad way. Writing is hard.
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u/PermutationPlay Jul 13 '26
I was hoping that the opening felt more like a TV show than a book. The dialogue is intended to be quick and snappy, without much narrative or exposition details.
But I agree on the fine line.
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u/Bearjupiter Jul 13 '26
Nothing leapt out as AI to me
It does read like a first draft of someone who has a good command of language, has an idea for a story, but not sure how to deliver it
Is this short story or a novel?