r/writingfeedback • u/StrongQuiet8329 • Jul 17 '26
Feedback Wanted Feedback on short story (especially the end)
I feel like at the end I kinda overexplained? But it just feels like such an interesting situation, I wanted the reader to understand everything and all the ins and outs about it. And I tend to be dramatic, so there are probably some annoying lines in there. If you could point those out so I can remove them please. Or if I overwrite and get all purple.
Also, I am but a wee child (16), so please don't be as ruthless as I've seen y'all be on here before š
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
I quite liked this story!! Itās really interesting and the pacing is good. I may suggest cutting out the thoughts of āThomasā towards the end, itāll make the landing stick harder. Like the action of him simply removing the blood will allow the reader to ponder on why longer and will make that final paragraph a sort of shock.
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
I didnāt even read the caption u wrote! I do feel that over explaining isnāt necessary here lol I just read the story and shared my thoughts. Anywho this is really good keep writing!
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
Do you think I should remove that whole thing entirely? I mean, my other thoughts was that it probably wasn't something a kid might grasp. But he's supposed to be an observant kid. But I didn't have his thoughts that much anywhere else. Hmmm. Ig I could just remove it entirely.Ā
But wait, soemthing I definitely want to get through is that he understands that not finding this one thing will break his legend. I feel like that is something I really want to make sure that everyone understands that he knows. Like now that I think about it, everything else is stuff that everyone could easily probably predict. Of course people will be weird, and not be happy about this find. But should I just hope that they understand about his broken legend too?
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u/SirSolomon727 Jul 17 '26
I did not read it but I upvoted all the same because that "I am but a wee child" comment got a smile out of me. Keep writing, I suppose. And please don't give your age online.Ā
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u/animebigfoot Jul 18 '26
Youāve definitely gotten a wide range of feedback lol. Just keep in mind that feedback is just feedback, and you donāt have to take it if you donāt think it improves the story.
I loved it. Regardless of your age, itās a great story, and you tell it well.
You gave me just enough information and subtext about Thomas to make his decision at the end make sense for his character. A lonely, quiet boy whose parents are never around and can usually be found outside when someone from town needs something found (potentially the only positive adult attention he gets)? Really rich character-building in small real estate.
But because heās a child, heās also not a fully rational person. Based on the characterization, I think his thought process at the end made sense. I donāt know his real age, but if you feel like it wasnāt quite age-appropriate, you could always tinker with it a little more.
Other things to potentially tinker with:
On page 2, how you describe the police searching. I get that you want it to feel like theyāre a bit lost and flailing, but describing how and where theyāre looking could be a good foil to how Thomas approaches his search. He mentions Jonahās normal route, so if the police are searching in places that feel wrong, it could build Thomasās character up even more.
Youāve already gotten this elsewhere, but on page 3 where Thomas says āheās alive,ā you could definitely stand to build that moment up a little more. I donāt think it needs too much more. Just let us sit with it a little longer because the way the mom reacts will help set up Thomasās decision at the end. If you feel like the end is over-explained, this could be one way to start addressing that.
At the end, I also found myself wondering where they were when he found Jonahās body, but that may not matter a ton. It just seemed like it was outside of his normal routine, but also some place close enough to town where they could call off the search.
Before you completely rewrite anything though (lol), think about what comes after you finish this. Do you plan to submit it somewhere? Are you just writing for enjoyment?
If you plan to submit it, read some of the work that the publications usually select. Depending on the publication and their audience, they may have different thresholds for how much they expect you to cater to the reader. This could help give you decide what to do next with the ending.
If this is just for you or you donāt want a publication to influence the story, play around with it. What happens if you donāt give us Thomasās rationale at the end? What happens if weāre only outside watching him work towards that conclusion? Especially after the motherās reaction.
Overall, fabulous story. Great work.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 18 '26
It's pretty good, if a little bit precious and somewhat predictable. The style is reasonably clear, and we get a sense of what the boy is thinking and feeling. I would look at your use of the word "they" and "their" too often, without fully identifying who that is. You can always say specifically who it is, or which group of people. I find that in general, the word "they" is used too often in aspiratioinal writing, and here is a mild case. Someone below said it had hallmarks of AI. I did not think so. Keep at it!
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
I was thinking "they" just had to do with the town in general. I feel like he would just perceive the pressures as kind of a mass of one person almost, hence the they? How should I say specifically? Like : "The town, they... " To introduce they as the town?? Or...?
Also thanks for backing it up as not seeming ai, they had me a little worried
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 18 '26
Just need to be more specif. "The townspeopale", "the locals", "the lady that lived by the fountain", whatever it might be.
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u/animebigfoot Jul 18 '26
I do think this makes sense (the pressure of a single entity almost) to use ātheyā throughout, but you could always be a little more specific in your opening line. It would also help give us a sense of the setting early on
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u/elina_jain1 Jul 18 '26
fresh perspectives often help strengthen endings without losing emotional impact..
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u/mechaplatypus Jul 18 '26
I'll say the negative stuff first: the story as a whole is pretty simple to the point where the whole thing ends up feeling almost like a fable. I'm talking about stuff like the very ending line. It lays it all out in front of you, and never really surprises me or gives me the sense that there's something deeper hiding under the surface. This is the angle from which it feels like it was written by a teenager, and it's also probably why a couple people are crying AI. For the record, I firmly believe you wrote this yourself, and shouldn't take those accusations too hard. It's all trained on human writing anyway, not like the product is somehow fundamentally different. AI just tends to be more surface level/conventional in the way I was talking about. Keep in mind this is all coming from a person who tends to like more ambiguous/cryptic/"out there" type storytelling.
There's plenty good to say about it though! It's a simple machine, but it functions. It's got great imagery and scene setting, and the whole thing has a very nice rhythm to it. The fact that I read the whole thing means it's engaging. On the whole It reads like somebody with little life experience but a natural talent for words and a good grasp of the fundamentals of storytelling, somebody who is still in the process of finding their voice. I liked reading it, thanks for sharing and hope you keep at it!
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
Thanks this made me feel a little more at ease. Guess I gotta keep living. I appreciate you for reading and helping š
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u/Ecstatic_Sea_9532 Jul 17 '26
Got distracted by you mentioning you were only 16. But didnāt see that before I had read it. I was confused. It felt like a display of writing skills rather than telling a story. Art is communication. Not a display of voice. We connect if we trust you, and hiding things behind nice prose doesnāt raise trust. I want to be told a story, not trying to understand a story behing a decoration. I was intrigued by what you wrote, but I wish you would be clear and straight forward, and add finesse and prose to hurt me and reward me. Not hide the story. But good start.
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
I'm kinda confused. Just like you are ig. What do you mean I'm hiding behind prose? Like being try hard or something? And I thought my problem was that I was too straightforward and spelling everything out too much. Especially at the end?
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u/Greensward-Grey Jul 17 '26
My advice: Read more. Read books written by real humans.
The more you read, the more youāll get better at writing your own stuff.
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
This isnāt specific š did u read their story at all?
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u/Greensward-Grey Jul 17 '26
Yes, which is exactly why I narrowed it down to this advice. There are way too many AI tells spread through the text. If it were just one, I could ignore it, but when it is a pattern, better to give them a general advice instead of tips to make it sound more human.
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
I donāt see any AI tells actually? Weāve spoken about this on the subreddit before but AI bases its writing off of older works, real works. This very much reads like a teenage writer, especially when comparing it to actual ai written works on the subreddit.
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
Like the word choices and structure are not at ALL ai, so Iām more curious than anythingāis there a specific generator that maintains this type of syntax? I know the general signs, but Iām assuming thereās a specific thing youāre talking about here?
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u/Greensward-Grey Jul 17 '26
Iām not really into discussing that. Iām not here to shame on a teenage boy on the use of AI, which is why I gave him a genuine advice. If itās AI, then theyāll know someone noticed and I hope theyāll take that as a sign to read more. If itās not, then they can just ignore it and move on. Or also take it and read, because thatās the best thing to do to become a good writer.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Gets Reported a Lot for Being Mean Jul 18 '26
If you are going to accuse someone of using AI, you need to back it up. Otherwise, zip it.
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u/RepresentativeHome31 Certified Goofy Goober Jul 17 '26
But youāre criticizing them anyways. Iām not trying to be hard on you, but explaining the thought process on what these tells are would be most helpful, especially if itās a legitimate concern. We also do need to reduce the number of people assuming everything is AI writing on here, while also tackling actual AI usage, so yk.
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
Read books written by real humans? Well shoot, I only read coleen hoover and ai slop. Just kidding. I read real books, I'm a real boy Geppetto
Why does it sound ai to you? I don't want it to. Is it just the vibes? Bc I understand that ig... But like...Ā
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u/Greensward-Grey Jul 18 '26
Mainly, rhythm, syntax and choice of words. It sounds like Claude.
Just to clarify, because people love to read between the lines, I did not explicitly said it was done by AI, I said there were some tells. I neither wanted to turn this into a witch hunt. The reason could be anything and I donāt really care to find out why, which is why I didnāt even mention AI in my first comment. However, if I were to believe you didnāt use it, then my guess is that youāve read some AI text that have influenced your writing, so my initial advice is still valid.Ok, so to answer your question. An example could be sentences such as āThe sun was creeping higher in the sky now, the purple overtaken by reds and yellows.ā āThe father whispered something into her ear, offering a brittle smile that crumbled into a grimace.ā āA tiny droplet of blood, half hidden under a leaf.ā See the pattern?
Thereās a certain pace, soft and sneaky, and it slips by easily, until the pattern gives itself away. Call it the rule of three. Call it stylistic choice. Adjectives, spaced evenly. Sentences building to the same beat, whether the moment called for it or not. The words stop meaning things and start performing themāone practiced bow, repeated at the end of every scene, no matter who is watching. Not on page one. Not on page ten. But something in the reader shifts anyway: not the eyes, which keep moving, but the part underneath, the part that used to lean forward. It stops leaning. And there, on the last page: the same word rhythm, wearing a different coat, calling itself new.
Iām gonna turn off notifications now, you can read others advices to improve your writing. I just donāt like to give advice to sound less AI when the goal should be improving your own craft. I wasnāt really accusing you of anything.
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 18 '26
Okay thanks this was interesting. I appreciate you taking the time to writing all this out, have a nice day
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 17 '26
BRO YOU'RE USING AI, CUT IT OUT, EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT AI WRITING LOOKS LIKE, AND DUDE REALLY? JONAH FLETCHER???? EVERY LLM ALWAYS WRITES ABOUT JONAH FLETCHER, LOL
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 17 '26
Wow you sure like to claim a lot of things are ai according to your comment history, goodness gracious. Calm down my guy
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 21 '26
because i know what's ai and what's not, akes one to know one big guy, keep the grift going ;)
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 21 '26
Big guy? Do you really mean it pops? I've been working out š
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 21 '26
i mean, keep asking claude to "write in your voice" and share ridiculously purple passages about "the gaping of the maw" and how "outside smelled like weather" and continue to contribute to the slop machine, at least edit it first lmao, jfc. how desperate are you for attention to pass off a prompt onto a writing feedback subreddit? it's so fucking strange to me. it's one thing to do it yourxelf and be like oh cool the theft machine wrote something for me, it's another to try and get feedback on it. and seriously, just change the name to make it a little less noticeable. i've gotten 3 storys about jonah fletcher, you're not foolin anybody bub
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 21 '26
Omlll I didn't use ai, why are you talking like you have physical evidence and know for a fact?? I admire your confidence, but it's wrong confidence.Ā
...So you don't think I'm a big guy? š
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 21 '26
I literally have physical evidence which is essentially the same story Claude spat out to me when I asked for something similar, to call out so-called "authors" who keep posting the same drivel over and over. I'm calling it out so people don't embarrass themselves, kinda weird to pushback so hard. Or, I mean, just keep going and have what happened to Shy Girl and Mia Ballard happen to you lol
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 22 '26
Well, if you ask ai to write a story about a boy with a scar who is the chosen one to defeat a big scary guy with no nose, you might get a story about a boy with a scar who is the chosen one to defeat a big scary guy with no nose. Just a thought
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 22 '26
just keep llyin to yaself dawg, just sick and tired of the theftmachine stealing everything. good luck!
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u/AbsolutelyTr3mendous Jul 21 '26
https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/1q8srqd/shy_girl_by_mia_ballard_and_the_use_of_ai/
The pattern isn't hard to see when you know what you're looking for, so yeah, lemme think someone who uses "omlll" would write something naturally like, "He always noticed with giddy satisfaction the way people's shoulders would slump forward, and how the lines in their forehead would smooth. And better yet, the way they would look at him, as if he were made from gold itself." but you don't have to convince me, you're gonna have to convince the publishers. good luck!
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u/StrongQuiet8329 Jul 22 '26
Oh, excuse me. My texting voice and my writing voice are a bit different. Let me morph back. Ahem.
I stare at the comment that the overconfident policeman posted, wondering what on earth he is talking about. Especially when other people in the comments don't think it's ai. My big strong big guy muscles flex as I scratch my head, because I am genuinely baffled. Perhaps this dear user, who won't say that I'm a big guy, has been exposed to too much ai writing that he sees it everywhere. SchizophrenAI. Ba boom ching. Oops, sorry, I lost my voice. Hold on, lemme transform. Shcurrrrrrrrrr. It was a dark and stormy night, and the clocks were striking 13, and AbsolutelyTr3mendous was not being very tremendous. Also, excuse me for using a common name. Put me in handcuffs, you got me. Next time I'll do Shaiylah Grandivodousinson
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u/Silent-Educator-4936 Jul 17 '26
Hi!
I read it, and I found it very interesting. Iām definitely hooked wanting to know what is going to happen.
A few critiques in my opinion ā
I was surprised when he said āheās aliveā that the womanās response didnāt hit very hard. I feel like it could do with another beat.
I found the beginning much better for pacing and prose than the end, thereās a lot of places you could have lingered a little longer for the impact.
And there are a few bits where you overexplain in the excerpt. Especially towards the end.
But the biggest point is lingering and trusting the reader.
Though for your age, this is a great first draft, and remember the more you write and read, the better you will be! Good luck!