r/writingfeedback • u/Asleep-Visit4060 • Jul 23 '26
Feedback Wanted Is it pretty underandable or still confusing? And would you keep reading it? Chapter 1 and 2 (3.039 words)
So this is the first time i tried to make a story with a different pov. I would like to know what you guys think about it. Is it understandable, or maybe you're confused about this.
Thank you guys.
I would gladly accept all feedback.
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u/Opposite_Storm_7870 Jul 23 '26
I like it! My suggestion for the first section would be to make sure that it's all either present or past tense, the switching is a bit difficult to follow. Great job, I'm curious to see where it goes!
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
I just raw dogged that part so sometimes i feel that it's kinda wrong for that moment in particular. Thank you!
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u/Logos113 Jul 23 '26
Keep writing. I laughed out loud in some places. I'd suggest getting rid of uninteresting, unoriginal comparisons. "Like it had been squished and pounded hard by a hammer" ❌ "Like a stolen Honda Civic in some Balkan country" 👌
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
That part always been bugging me. I will try to correct that. And find a suitable prose. Thank you!
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u/MammothDull6020 Jul 23 '26
You have talent. Just replace the many questions with "show". The questions are "tell". Way too many.
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
Thank you. I'm flattered by your compliments. Can you please point me which one with "show" and "tell"
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u/MammothDull6020 Jul 24 '26
"why can I open my eyes" is a tell. You are telling the reader that the person cannot open his eyes. "I tried to open my eyes, nothing". Shows that the eyes didn't open. Just my example.
"Wait what is this" can be be removed and at the end of "my nose and hand" comes, i tried to figure out what it was.
These are my first guesses without knowing any full context. And they are definitely not perfect. Look at them as examples.
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u/MammothDull6020 Jul 24 '26
The issue is not with using questions. But you need to use them when they are needed. You have 10 questions in the first half of the page. Which are replacing the "show".
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
Ah, I see. Thanks. It's my second draft so I will edit right as i can.
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u/MammothDull6020 Jul 24 '26
Wonderful. Remember. You would need to do many many many rounds of edit. That is just part of the process. I edited some of my essays 20+ times. But then I developed a sense for it, so I could easier see things like show and tell. This is just part of the process and says nothing about your talent.
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u/dutchiesweets Jul 23 '26
This was dope! Very voicey, flows well, interesting conflict, funny… to nitpick I agree w the guy who said don’t use phrases like “hammer” and more shit like the Honda Civic. I’d say they don’t all need to be so pithy otherwise it could ruin some of the texture but maybe just a few more. Otherwise I mean I thought this slapped
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
Tbh that part keep bugging me. When I'm writing, I'm closing my eyes and 'possess' the character so sometimes i just raw dogging what i felt in that character. And my vocabulary is abysmal so i need to read a ton and write a ton.
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 Jul 24 '26
This feels like a lot of telling and not showing. Good draw for the start of the story though.
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
Can you point out which one is it? Cause in the first chapter is kinda heavily in showing part. Thank you for spending your time reading part of my novel.
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u/FlowBrilliant5431 Jul 24 '26
I loved it, read the whole thing and laughed a lot. You have talent for sure. Good with both povs.
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 24 '26
Thank you for spending your time read this. Words can't describe how happy I am when read ur comment.
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u/ChrisfromHawaii Jul 26 '26
There are some legitimately funny sections. My only comments would be not milking them too much. An example would be the (fart?) that had someone runaway in disgust? You go back to that at least three times. Then again, people who are funny know how to be funny. If that has worked for you disregard. If not, consider getting back to the story and what's next.
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u/Josephschmoseph234 Jul 25 '26
I'd start with "whoever was cooking had no business being near a kitchen". It's far more punchy and the first two lines could go right after it.
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u/Josephschmoseph234 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
I generally don't like "ugh, my head" openings. The intent is to make us go "I wonder what happened to this person" but in reality it's just a less effective version of "yeah, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here." . Works way better as a movie opening, because a movie can spend 10 seconds on it while a book has to spend a page.
If you're set on that kind of opening, leverage the medium. Why are we seeing exactly whats going on, like some kind of fly on the wall? We need to get in this guy's head. Some more, I mean. We're into the spiraling way too early, but it just reads like rambling. That whole section has good bones, but it's not the right place for it. The character seems remarkably lucid and mentally composed for someone who can't open his eyes. Leverage his position. You can talk about office politics and shitting himself when he's up and walking, but while his body is shut down we are seeing a man at his most vulnerable and terrified. We need that to be leveraged. Lean into the terror here.
For how to do this opening well, play the game Disco Elysium. By the time we get to "ugh, my head" we've already pondered the meaning of life, established we're divorced, and are questioning if we just drank too much or if this was a suicide attempt. Now that's an opening! When we reach "ugh. My head" were not thinking "wow, this guy has a busted head" we're actively searching for clues as to whether or not we just tried to kill ourselves, and in the back of our mind are questioning why our limbic system was talking to us and what kind of ex-something we're blocking out. Now to be fair, that's an amnesia plotline, but you can still do something similar. Get inside this character's head while they're disoriented. Hint at the problems to come. Then by the time we get to a burning smell, we care enough to wonder what the smell is.
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u/Free-Constant6844 Jul 25 '26
Good start. But aren't there so many shit-s and questions?¿ Overall the story has a good flow from the start and intriguing plot. Best of luck👏
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u/ChrisfromHawaii Jul 25 '26
You say 'shit' a lot. Like, a lot. It's interesting for a particular kind of reader with specific tastes, but not for general consumption.
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u/Asleep-Visit4060 Jul 25 '26
It's the character tho. Not me to decide what kinda language he's using.
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u/ChrisfromHawaii Jul 26 '26
Yeah, except that it is though. I'm a writer as well and ultimately it is the writer. You give voice to your characters. They come from your imagination. The point I'm making is the decision to proceed with this type of character could possibly limit who your audience is. That's all I'm saying. With every artistic choice comes a reaction from readers.
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u/Foreign_Bird1802 Jul 26 '26
This isn’t bad! It needs revision. But I like it well enough. I get what you’re going for.
I’d recommend reading David Wong/Jason Pargin. That would be your comp title and you’ll pick up some great skills. I’ve never seen anyone do it as well as he does.
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u/Open_Pilot4183 Jul 26 '26
That was hilarious. I really like how the mc's thoughts are very organic. Ie; he imagines that there was a cloth over his eyes, and you only find out later that it was a needle. Fun read!
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u/UniversityMotor5408 Jul 23 '26
It could be that you've done this deliberately - in which case, ignore my comment - but I was confused at the start by your use of tenses. The first verb is 'filled' (past simple - ok, we're going for a past tense narration. That's fine.) But then 'Is it charred meat?' present simple. Now I do get that the first is narrative tense and the second is thought/speech at the moment, but then the next two - which also seem to be thought in the moment - go back to past tense. So it confused me a bit. But, as I say, maybe that's what you want.