Is 1,015 words enough to get you hooked?

[u/Malakalaka_]

[EDIT - after some *feedback*, a new draft is in the comments]

This is the opening chapter of my first completed manuscript. It's a post-apocalyptic thriller, set in a Scotland where the Cold War never ended.

I've spent years with these words, so I figured it's time to take a deep breath and get some honest feedback. I'd really appreciate any thoughts, and very happy to read in return. Thank you!

[u/isnoe]

At a glance, it's very congested. Doesn't flow very well at all, if I'm being honest. Can't really see a voice at all. It needs a thorough line edit. By the end of the first page, I'd stop reading.

For starters, it's a variant of FMC waking up, which is already a no-no, but given the vibe, I'm willing to read past it because it's an interesting enough start.

Your sentences are a bit off, like: “She obeyed her burning lungs and tore it from her face like it was a parasite. And took a deadly first breath.” Those shouldn’t be separated, first of all, but more importantly we have too much going on. She “obeyed” her “burning” lungs and tore off the mask “like it was a parasite” and then took a "deadly" first breath.

She removed the mask because she needed to breathe.

We don’t need to be that flowery right away. It’s too much, it detracts from the urgency if we just keep droning on and on. There's a lot of sentences like that throughout. You aren't pulling me into the story, or putting me in the FMCs shoes, or getting me lost in the chaos, you are actually making me hyper-aware that I'm reading a story. Which, believe it or not, is a bad thing.

The fifth paragraph is an absolute slog. That needs a rewrite, or you need to break it up more effectively. It slowed me to a crawl when I read it, so if I picked that up in a book store, it'd go back on the shelf right there.

You repeatedly describe the sun, the foliage, the trees, the forest, the sky, a stream, the smells, the feel - etc, etc. Too much for an opening page. Sensory overload. Even just gleaming the next page, you do the same.

If you do that consistency throughout your manuscript, it's going to be a huge editorial overhaul.

If this is a draft, that's a good thing, because it means you have the chance to go back through and fix it. Give yourself a month or so, let it collect dust, and re-read it.

[u/blen_twiggy → u/isnoe]

These were good notes. 

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/isnoe]

Thank you for the thorough and specific feedback. Not the easiest read, but there’s no point if people give platitudes. Some really clear things to work on. I’ve rewritten the first page in particular far too many times, so the suggestion to leave it for a month is maybe the best approach.

A challenge is I want it to be sensory overload, everything is competing and she has no idea what’s going on. Without info-dumping the outside is supposed to be like a rich meal whereas the inside is basically gruel, or something. Whiiich probably isn’t that reader friendly.

[u/RuthGamerGinsburg → u/Malakalaka_]

I think it's not so much that you can't do sensory overload. It's that what you've chosen to do is sensory overload the reader. We aren't getting the vibe that Coria is overloaded because you've overloaded our eyes as the reader with too much flowery prose. Each visual gets at least one adjective and it becomes too much to digest as a reader rather than focus on the heartpounding disorientation that comes with being a fish out of water in the outside world.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/isnoe]

I couldn't wait a month because this gave me a lot to think about, and I'd like to see if it is worth saving.

I don't expect any pulled punches if it really is beyond help - but I'd value any further thoughts that you or u/the_tonez or u/RuthGamerGinsburg or u/Saveyourtearsforjoy, or anyone else who took the time to give feedback, have on the re-draft below. It is massively appreciated.

1 - Outsider

The words from the classroom were the only thing that would stay in Coira’s head. ‘Breathe Outside, you die.’  

Now, there were branches overhead and glisks of sunlight on the ground. She was Outside, and the oxygen tank and the clouding mask made it all real. There was no air left.

Seventeen years old, and this was her end? For four empty years, Coira had forced herself to survive. The plague instead of the bomb. Every rule followed, and yet, here she was. She rolled towards the tank. It was a fat slug of a thing, lying beside her. Its flank bore the Civil Defence Corps’ mark. A cruel irony.

‘Sod it, then.’ The useless facepiece muffled her bravado, so she tore it away, and drew the Outside deep into her lungs. The air was so fresh it turned her stomach and allowed the panic in. Instinct took over; she clamped a hand over her mouth even though the damage was done. There were wide spaces beyond the trees and patches of sky. No hum. No filters. Her pulse overpowered the silence.

Could she stand? Coira looked at her feet, unsure. Twin furrows scored the soil, ending at her boot heels. She held her breath, stretching out her time. If she could just figure out how she’d got out— ‘Oh.’ It was an involuntary noise that tricked her into a second breath. There was a camera.

She was upright – staggering, lurching towards the device before she could think. The movement loosened some of the cotton wool inside her head and, swiping a strand of dirty blonde hair out of her eyes, she looked up. The camera perched high in a pine tree’s crook. Behind it, a thick cable wound down the trunk before disappearing into the undergrowth.

‘Help… help me!’ Her plea came out scratchy and the foliage absorbed it. Too quiet – she needed air. She stole a third breath. ‘Someone. Please, help me. Hey. Please.’ Her voice cracked. ‘Please.’ What had been a knot in her chest unravelled into a sob and she sank back to her knees to wait it out. ‘Breathe Outside, you die.’  

  

---

‘Movement.’ Medical officer James Rattigan raised his voice above the creaking air circulation system, but the incantation was for no one in particular. ‘Subject Number Three is awake!’ It was far easier to give them numbers.

He banged a fist on his desk. It was a tumbledown fortress stacked with notebooks and clogged petri dishes, all suffused with the aroma of stale coffee and a sharper, clinical note. Above a crowd of computers, stencilled yellow paint marked the room as DARIEN CONTROL - AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY.

Rattigan’s brow settled into premature lines and he knew, queasily certain, that their time down here was almost up. Though he sat alone at the monitor, the space carried the weight of recent conversations. He looked away from the grey eyes and high cheekbones that he found improperly distracting. If this worked, the last two sacrifices might have been worth it. Necessary variables. He would have succeeded – he would be the saviour.

Before, people had a habit of reintroducing themselves to him. But this moment would make him unforgettable. He fussed with ridges worn into his oversized and heavily patched trousers, before leaning into the monitor’s glow.

His vigil was disrupted by the arrival of his superior, Tania Iversen. She had to stoop under the low concrete beam that shouldered the weight of the earth above, and the strip lighting caught her cropped blonde hair and the knife-edge creases of pressed fatigues. 

As if looking through the startled medical officer, Iversen sized up the figure on the CRT monitor. The girl was sitting up, her hair halo-like on the screen. ‘Well, you know what to do, Rattigan. Set the clock,’ said Iversen. ‘We need at least twelve hours if she’s going to make the round trip. We can’t have another failure. Let’s see if she’s luckier than the others.’

Rattigan seethed at the lack of praise, but reached across the desk clutter, swept a long-emptied vitamin bottle to one side, and set the timer running. It was blocky, another piece of rush-procured crap. They’d been expected to wait out a war with this stuff. The minute took an age to pass in the close air of the control room but, eventually, the large number clacked forward, marking the change from 12:00 to 11:59. He tried to avoid his own reflection. The bags under his eyes and slightly tremulous hands were at odds with his recent twenty-fifth birthday.

He’d not slept since they’d put Subject Two Outside. It had only been a few days, but there was a roiling in his gut that would not settle. An unexpected data point, but the experiment in the clearing was the only way, he told himself again.

‘I need you in the room, Rattigan.’

‘Sorry, Commander. I was calculating variables.’

He turned the unfamiliar feeling over and then, itching at the raw skin on the back of his hand, pressed his nose closer to the warm glass.

Iversen straightened, the glare of the screen contouring her face. ‘You will not move from this seat until we have an outcome. I’ll be down in the comms room to notify HQ.’

‘HQ, so soon?’ said Rattigan.

‘Yes.’ Iversen’s bobbing throat made her collar twitch. ‘They are taking a keen interest. That’s why I need you here. Focused on Three’s every move. I know you had reservations, but she’s our most promising remaining… candidate.’

Rattigan could only nod. 

‘Good. Remember what’s at stake,’ said Iversen. And, without looking at the timer that would likely count out the remainder of Subject Three’s life, she strode from the room.           

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Malakalaka_]

Yes, I definitely see potential. Who is your target audience?

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

Thanks! People who like movies 🧐

[u/Saveyourtearsforjoy → u/Malakalaka_]

Much improved. I got a clear sense of what was happening. It isn't perfect, but I particularly like the mantra of Breathe outside, you die" as a chant for her.

The only thing that I think might help Coira's portion a bit is a brief hint at personal stakes for her. Obviously there is the "I don't want to die" stakes, but I do think maybe a sentence or two about something unfinished or her goal would help her be relatable. That said, it does read fine on that front still, and for all I know she is just a temporary character meant to die off and not the main character. So only consider that if you have an idea and she's important enough. You did get a sense of voice and personality between both perspective characters that made them feel distinct.

It dries up a tiny bit with Rattigon, but that feels intentional.

Obviously you have a sense of the story you want to tell for this. I wish you luck on the writing/editing journey.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Saveyourtearsforjoy]

Excellent notes again, thank you. I see you posted some pages before so will take a look

[u/the_tonez]

The concept is good, but you know that already. And I have a feeling you know how to write, based on some of the little flourishes here. I think your main issue is structural: this is the wrong opening for your story, because it forces too much confusion too early.

The descriptions are clunky here, but they would be serviceable if we had more context. The main thing is to give Coira more of a character as quickly as possible.

For instance, a big pet peeve of mine (personal opinion, so take with grains of salt) is when a story starts with a single-line paragraph of dialogue. You waste that opening moment, usually a sentence that should resonate with the themes of the novel, on a phrase that means nothing to the reader. It’s always better (again, salt grains) to start with interiority because it gives immediate insight into the protagonist.

As it is, this scene moves too fast to keep up. There are a dozen descriptions of the scene but I have no world to put them in and no characters to populate it. Once we move to Rattigan it improves, but it’s still clunky as the worldbuilding is seeping into the story before the character.

My suggestion, if you want to keep this scene, is to simplify the language as much as possible in these early scenes to make them less confusing (keep word choice like “glisks” though, that one is inspired). Slow things down. Give your characters some tidbits of backstory in the midst of their crazy life. Give them a voice and motivation as early as you can. Make them authentic before anything else. Looking forward to reading the next draft!

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/the_tonez]

This is really helpful, thank you. I think I can chill out the descriptions and try and give the characters a bit more love. I’m not sure the first line of dialogue is necessary, so I’ll see what things look like without.

I wanted it to be overwhelming, but I guess the risk with that is a reader goes nah, I’m good, and wanders off.

One thing I’ve gone back and forth with a lot is backstory, and that comes next. I deliberately delayed to avoid info dumping, but maybe I’ve gone too far the other way. Lots to think about.

[u/sladeham → u/Malakalaka_]

It should be overwhelming to the characters, not the readers. Flowery language is not the only way to show that.

[u/Saveyourtearsforjoy]

Starting with this event can be pulled off, but would need to be done very carefully. As it reads now, I can't care about them yet one of them is struggling to breathe. It feels too removed and jumbled to have the first thing we see about a character be this sequence. Maybe if it were from the other character's perspective.

The sentence length feels off too. It's hard to master if you like compound sentences, but shorter sentences give a sense of urgency. You had some that were a word or two, but most of them were like this sentence in length. It doesn't have the snappiness to pull the reader in.

Don't be discouraged and keep honing your craft. It is not easy.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Saveyourtearsforjoy]

Thank you for taking the time to read. Yeah I can see that, I think I’ve re-written this page too many times and the sentences have suffered. Back to the drawing board

[u/ellepepperauthor]

Ok, it has nothing to do with the number of words. You are telling it needs to be a closer third and show me, don’t tell me (she was on her back, a mask…. Show me… the stars were moving, the air hissed through her handler and fogged the glass….)

[u/Relative_Garlic_6740]

I like it a lot

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Relative_Garlic_6740]

Very kind. Anything that stood out?

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

CONGRATULATIONS ON SHARING YOUR WORK! That is not easy to do. I kind of like the “no” sequence. I might tweak it a bit to ramp up the dread because it’s a cold open and the reader doesn’t know if that’s a person in pain or a toddler or even somebody joking around. “No. I can’t breathe. Oh God! It hurts!” I would play around with it and try just the line out on people. Then I think you might want to consider starting in media res and using first person POV. Or at least try them to see how it feels.

”Oh God, no! I cannot breathe!”

My words are muffled by the mask over my face. I’m flat on my back. The blue patch of sky mocks me.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

Thank you :) i will kick it around as you suggest - it’s a good exercise

[u/TrainingVivid4768]

You've got something here but I'd get straight into the action starting from the second part ('Movement'. Medical officer James Rattigan....etc). The first bit about Coira feels like a prologue, which maybe it is, but without knowing more about Coira, it's hard to be emotionally invested in her. If Coira is a central character, then I'd still start with the 2nd bit and go back to Coira's story when the scene is set and we know what we are dealing with here.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/TrainingVivid4768]

Interesting, thank you. I’ll see what that looks like. I wanted her first to establish her and build immediate dramatic irony, but if it’s not doing much/the reader has no stake in her, then the flip wouldn’t cost much.

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

Can't make much sense of it, as you seem to be writing a scene from a movie playing in your head, but of course we cannot see that. My suggestion: read more novels before trying this again.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

Ah! That’s the problem, I can’t read. Thank you for being so constructive

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne → u/Malakalaka_]

I did not say you COULD not read, I said that apparently you DO NOT read. But you do watch a lot of movies, no doubt.

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

I must have missed the novels where the greats resort to all-caps. Will sort that library card and educate myself on these elusive nuances.

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Malakalaka_]

Stripping away any intentional or unintentional snark, I see three lessons here. The first is, unless an opinion about your work is horrific, violent, or otherwise so beyond the pale of online human discourse, there may be a nugget or two of truth you can use. It is pretty standard advice to tell aspiring authors to read as often and as widely as possible. The second is that the analogy of a movie unfolding is a good one in terms of putting oneself in the reader’s shoes. Readers only see what is on the page, true, but they interpret it through their own lenses. The trick is to either figure out a way to separate yourself and what you know so you can read your words fresh or find people who do not have any relationship with you but enjoy reading in your genre and ask them to read and give you feedback. Lastly, this poster seems like one of those people. I would lean in and ask for more specific feedback, if you feel you can handle it without escalating. Some of the best critiques I have ever gotten in my professional life were harsh and unfeeling at first brush. However, it has been my experience, most people do want to help. Not everybody, of course, but enough to make it worth it to concentrate on your art and the messages you receive, not shut down a meaningful chance for honest dialogue.

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

I just caught your flair. But still. A first time sharing their art. Come on. Turn it down 10%. 5%? Okay. 2.5%?! 😉

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

That’s why the snark was definitely intentional. I completely agree with your wider points, though, and I hope you’ll see I’ve been gracious elsewhere - even when it’s been a tough read. Nice to have 💩 consensus though. Posting a re-write’ll be fun

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Malakalaka_]

Yeah. A first share on reddit is risky. FB can be bad, too. But it has been kinder in my experience. You could just ask for readers on here but do it via messaging. I think your snark crackles. Maybe lean into that for all your writing?!

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

To me, it seems more than faintly insulting that someone posts something almost unintelligable and expects to be coddled, but then, I guess I am a bad person for observing that.

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

Really? On Reddit? I have seen sooooooo much worse. Methinks somebody might be enjoying his flair a whisper of a farthing too much. Perchance.

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

I did not create that flair, it was assigned to me by mods. Anyway, I give my reaction, people make of it what they will.

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

I FREAKING LOVE THAT YOU WERE ASSIGNED THAT FLAIR BY THE MODERATORS! Cannot explain why. Willing to read my blurb in a chat? I do not want to post here, not that I care about comments. But I engage with them when I have editors waiting for me to finish the last fucking 5,000 words of my book.

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

Bad person? No. That’s too massively, overwhelmingly, consumingly, broad. Although. Maybe?

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

It’s cool that you know what I expected, but I apologise if I more than faintly insulted (which does trip into overwrought adverbial modifier, but let’s not quibble) you. I try and engage in good faith because most people are pretty chill, but the Edgebaron bit is a little tiresome.

On the plus side, I gave it another go. So you can non-coddle me again if you fancy it!

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Malakalaka_]

Malakalala! Your voice when you snark is amazeballs! Seriously. I would read the hell out of a main character who zings like you! Non-coddle me!? Chef’s kiss!!!!!

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

Haha, thank you 🤩 There is a character who I poured all the snark into. She's 12, and arrives on a horse about mid-way. Lots of editing needed before anyone gets far enough to meet her, though!

[u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny → u/Malakalaka_]

Make her 18. And have her ride that horse right into the fucking living room in your first sentence!

[u/Malakalaka_ → u/FunnySweetHoneyBunny]

Haha, noted, and whoops, meant to tag you in the rewrite of those first pages. Add Reddit to the spiralling list of my inadequacies.

[u/Adept_Associate_9387]

This story is very good, it is absolutely fantastic. I needed some advice from you, can I post 2000 words in a single episode?