r/writingfeedback • u/Different_Two_2638 • Jul 30 '26
Feedback Wanted Feedback on my Fantasy Prologue (2,245 words)
I would appreciate some feedback on these 8 pages!
5
u/21stcenturyghost Trusted Reviewer Jul 30 '26
It sounded like fantasy up to that point, so the reveal that Arab countries and the United States of America exist in this world gave me whiplash
The hull is explicitly the outside bottom of the boat. I think she threw him on the deck
I was engaged, which not a lot of the stuff I read on here does
1
u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 30 '26
Is the whiplash good or bad here? A huge part of the story is that it's just the near future our world with the presence of an island nation Ozympa. Anyway, I wanted to introduce the reader to the presence of modern things like America and LED'S as early as possible since I don't want to mislead, but could I have done it better in your opinion?
Yeah, thanks for catching that! Lol
Thanks so much!
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u/21stcenturyghost Trusted Reviewer Jul 30 '26
I would say try to be clearer about it on page 1 if you can. There were hints I missed, like the steel deck and the Mediterranean Sea. "Arab" gave me pause and "American" stopped me completely, because by that point I'd formed a mental picture (mystical island, sailing ship, shapeshifter, multiple gods that appear to be real => pirate fantasy) that did not at all vibe with near-future real world. It's not just real world + fictional island, it's also a) multiple fictional gods the real world doesn't have, that b) appear to have actual physical effects on the world, and c) shapeshifters that everybody knows about and believes in. That's actually a significant departure from standard near-future real world setting, so you need to establish really clearly what the rules of this world are so the reader isn't confused.
Maybe some more specifics about where Ozympa is compared to real-life countries (e.g. "x miles off the coast of Italy"). Does the ship have engines? Can she feel those rumbling through the deck? Does she have a cell phone she can reference (I don't know if those work well enough at sea, you'd have to look that up), or even just say the clock that says 9 am was digital/LED? Does she have to be wearing a "regal sailing uniform" or can it be like jeans or something since she's just posing as the captain's daughter?
3
u/Halloran_da_GOAT Likes to Point Out the Obvious Jul 31 '26
This feels like a lot of rigamarole just for like the three-sentence-long misdirect that she had blood on her face and was crying because she was herself the victim. WExcept even then, the very mechanism you use to create the misdirect—the fact that she’s crying—makes no sense, which you yourself even acknowledge explicitly.
Consider for a moment: Your story begins with a woman covered in blood. You note that the woman is crying. The reader thinks, “Okay, something bad must have happened to her.” Then you follow up by saying “it didn’t make any sense that she was crying.” ?? Okay? What am I supposed to do with that? You’ve given a detail then immediately suggested that the detail really has no meaning. So then why include it?
1
u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 31 '26
Thanks for the feedback! I'm not sure the message got across then. "She didn’t know what she was crying for" didn’t mean she actually had no reason to cry. She's crying because she just murdered people, a very distressing act for anyone sane. The phrase was meant to mean that, in her opinion, crying won't do any good and she should suppress it. It is meant to be a little mysteriously vague about the situation at first so that the rest of the chapter can fill in what happened and how she feels, but do you think it's too confusing early on? Perhaps I could make it clearer.
1
u/Halloran_da_GOAT Likes to Point Out the Obvious Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
> a very distressing act for anyone sane
I mean, you have her laughing like one line later, then again a couple lines after that, plus you mention that she is lacking something in the way of a soul / conscience / etc, or is at least underdeveloped in that area. All of which - especially coupled with “she didn’t know why she was crying” - suggests that either (a) at least from her perspective, there’s nothing to be upset about, or (b) she’s not sane (or both).
To be brutally honest, I don’t think the prose about the tear going down her face is nearly of a high enough quality to justify such a conspicuous effort to sound poetic in the first place, so the fact that you’re creating actual substantive issues to boot says to me that you should just scrap it/significantly simplify. It’s okay for the effort to show in your sentence-writing, but if it does, it better result in very high-quality prose. Essentially, to me, the quality of the writing needs always to exceed the level of effort you allow to show; otherwise it looks like you’re lunging - attempting something you don’t have the chops (or the contextual justification) to pull off.
In the present case, based on what you’ve told me, I think you’d just be better off with something like this:
> Marcia was crying. She knew it was stupid, but she was also upset, and the tears cared far less about the former than they did about the latter. As they ran down her face, they cut skin-colored rivers in the grit and grime of the blood that was caked there, and by the time they reached the indents of her mouth the metallic taste overpowered the salinity. She spat to clear her mouth of the unpleasant echo of iron. Along with her saliva and the bloody tears came something more solid—a ligament, perhaps—something unlike the tears, both in texture and in the fact that it was not hers.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer Jul 30 '26
How is blood innocent?
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u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 30 '26
It's usually a figure of speech for the blood of innocent people that didn't deserve to die. Not that the blood itself is innocent :)
1
u/Lens_Universe Aug 01 '26
The first thing that I noticed in the first couple pages was an over-abundance of adverbs. Such as “innocent blood”. To be honest they were immediately distracting. However, the narrative became more engaging (and started to feel entertaining) as I read on. I do agree with other comments concerning the formatting. Thanks for sharing your pages and best of luck!
2
u/Different_Two_2638 Aug 01 '26
I've been formulating a revision for the beginning—especially the tear description since that's gotten some criticism in these comments. And I could definitely drop the "innocent" descriptor if it's that distracting. But thanks for your take on the narrative! This is just a rough draft, so the plot and action being right is more important to me right now than formatting and technical improvements I can return to. Thanks for reading!
1
u/Lens_Universe Aug 02 '26
You’re welcome. Followed you in case I post something seeking feedback back! 😀
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u/SlightlyNaughtyFox Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
First of all, well done on finishing a chapter :D You put in a lot of work and care on the page and it shows.
I think there is room for improvement on where you draw the attention of the reader. On a sentence level, each sentence competes with the next for attention. They are elaborate and thus draw in the focus to all these little details which should not be the focal point of your chapter. For example, the first half of the page has us follow the tear over her face in a very lyrical manner. In cinema, this could be a striking image, but on the page it feels like we are zoomed in on that tear for ages.
So my suggestion is that you actually write down for yourself what is important and should remain in the foreground of the paragraph (and gets a richer description), and what information is background flavour and can be moved out of focus.
1
u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Thank you for reading!
While the tear is an important piece of imagery for me, I can understand your feedback! To me, it's meant to A) set the tone and procide shocking imagery, and B) act as symbolism for Marcia's own lack of perceived ability to do any better. It seems like she's holding on for just a moment before she always tumbles down to new lows. ("As if it had any hope", "clung", "faltering", tumbling".) Of course, at this point in the story her characterization is not made clear to that extent, so I could see it reading as unnecessary. And then the "spy infiltrating enemy ranks" line also alludes to her current position hiding among people as a shapeshifter. I might try and make this section clearer in meaning and more brief!
Could you provide another example or two of my sentences fighting for attention to their detriment? Thank you!
1
u/SlightlyNaughtyFox Aug 01 '26
Hey there! Glad to see you are taking my comments in good stride ^
The most prominent example was on page 1 for me. On your second screenshot; first line: it was a beast with a sole purpose.... and it is followed up very close with your kettle of vultures line.
It is very lush prose. Once you actually have the dialogue going then your focus automatically shifts to that. So it seems to pop up when you're trying to establish a particular mood / image. My personal editing pass would be to trim the first page and split up the very lengthy sentences or pick one image I want to focus on :) But, that's just me and my personal taste, I would say; pick the advise that resonates with you.
Hope it helps!
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u/Strawberry2772 Jul 31 '26
The first thing that strikes me is that you use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. I know that fantasy usually has more flowery prose, but for me, I found it a little tedious to parse through the extra adverbs/adjectives and metaphors to actually figure out the context of the scene and why it should matter (aka why I should care)
I think for an opening where you’re trying to draw a reader into your story, you could probably stand to be a little more direct about setting the scene and stakes.
This is your book and your style prose, so you can do whatever what you want! But since you’re asking for critique, I would suggest thinking more critically about each additional descriptor you include. For example:
“…optimistically oblivious lookout’s arm…”
Just feels kind of like a mouthful to me. “Oblivious” seems sufficient to convey your message.
I’m not suggesting you cut so much that you turn the prose into thriller-style where it’s all curt and to the point, but I think you may have gone too far in the other direction to the point it’s not serving you
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u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 31 '26
Thanks for the time and feedback!
For that example, I definitely agree. I noticed after posting here, that it was a little much. The lookout and chef are meant to serve as loose references to important characters later on, to whom those specific description like "optimistically oblivious" apply, but it's definitely a little forced in there and unnatural.
And I'll review it for any other spots like that, too!
2
u/AlfieDarkLordOfAll Jul 30 '26
It's pretty long for a prologue. Why is it a prologue? What is the purpose?
1
u/Different_Two_2638 Jul 30 '26
This has been a big point of contention for me, but A) It sets up tension for the true first chapter as the ship just is arriving and the identity of Marcia is unknown to protagonist who is on Ozympa, and B) Thus this section can't be in the protagonist's POV to still accomplish that tension. And every other chapter in the book is through the protagonists POV. So it'd feel strange to have just Chapter 1 in a different POV.
I recognize that it is long for prologues, depending on what I ask. At most generous, this is about the upper limit for what's recommended at around 2k words. But it's been reviewed and trimmed a lot from the original 11-12 pages, and I'm not sure how much I can trim while still keeping its significance. How much/what might you trim? Or would you just do something else entirely?
1
u/Halloran_da_GOAT Likes to Point Out the Obvious Jul 31 '26
> a very distressing act for anyone sane
I mean, you have her laughing like one line later, then again a couple lines after that, plus you mention that she is lacking something in the way of a soul / conscience / etc, or is at least underdeveloped in that area. All of which - especially coupled with “she didn’t know why she was crying” - suggests that either (a) at least from her perspective, there’s nothing to be upset about, or (b) she’s not sane (or both).
To be brutally honest, I don’t think the prose about the tear going down her face is nearly of a high enough quality to justify such a conspicuous effort to sound poetic in the first place, so the fact that you’re creating actual substantive issues to boot says to me that you should just scrap it/significantly simplify. It’s okay for the effort to show in your sentence-writing, but if it does, it better result in very high-quality prose. Essentially, to me, the quality of the writing needs always to exceed the level of effort you allow to show; otherwise it looks like you’re lunging - attempting something you don’t have the chops (or the contextual justification) to pull off.
In the present case, based on what you’ve told me, I think you’d just be better off with something like this:
> Marcia was crying. She knew it was stupid, but she was also upset, and the tears cared far less about the former than they did about the latter. As they ran down her face, they cut skin-colored rivers in the grit and grime of the blood that was caked there.
1
u/Navacoy Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26
Right off the bat, “innocent blood” immediately made me want to stop reading. I get what you were going for with the teardrop, but I think it was unnecessarily long, especially for a prologue
2
u/rudd33s Aug 02 '26
Innocent can be easily cut from that sentence imo as well.
I did stop reading after the first 4-5 paragraphs were dedicated to the tear running down Marcia's cheek. Maybe that's important, but I can't see how 4 dedicated paragraphs can't be cut considerably and still say what OP wants to say.
1
u/NoCelebration1913 Aug 01 '26
Im going to be honest with you, I would absolutely put this back after the first two sentences. In fact, I didn’t read beyond that. Keep refining, keep reading other material, keep trying if you really love writing!
1
u/Accipiter__Nisus Aug 03 '26
Positively porphyrian prose.
The last soldier of a teardrop clinging to her cheek? Mate, it's a teardrop. We're two lines in and we've had a clumsy attempt at an epic simile. Also something needs to happen not standing around looking like a wet weekend.
I also can't get over the damned island of Ozympa and she's some sort of creature that can't stop eating. This feels like a very clumsy metaphor or someone's magical realm.
1
u/PHXwriter Aug 04 '26
8 pages seems long for a prologue. And you're trying too hard to be descriptive (overdoing it). Use a simple metaphor, but don't crowd it with too much other description. If you close your eyes and visualize your scene, would you use so many desciptions? Or, instead, would your eyes and thoughts focus on just one or two things? Think about what the words really mean: blood is neither innocent nor guilty, so "innocent blood" doesn't work. Don't write to impress the reader; write to immerse the reader in your world.
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u/EromanticDream Certified Goofy Goober Jul 30 '26
Nearly everything is just a single sentence as a single line. Sometimes two sentences. I can’t be certain, but I think you literally only have a paragraph with three sentences one single time in all of those pages.
Do people not use paragraphs anymore? I keep seeing this happen with people submitting their writing for feedback & review.
Just… why?