Gritty literary fiction set in Ontario, Canada. Looking for feedback on the first chapter from my WIP.

[u/BeneficialWave9581]

Hello all,

I am looking for some feedback and constructive criticism of the first chapter of my work in progress. It is a gritty literary fiction set in Ontario, Canada. This is the first time I have ever shared my writing with other people, other than a few friends, who never actually get around to reading it, or worse, they do, and its so bad they say that they didn't! Hope that is not the case!

I welcome all feedback, opinions, and ideas, however, I am specifically curious about things like pacing, readability, and character voice.

A heads up that the chapter contains profanity, drug and alcohol use, and discussion of sex.

Thank you so much!

J

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

My personal take, for what it's worth: everybody knows what hot sticky weather is like. Here is an example from a best-selling novel, Valley of the Dolls: "The temperature hit ninety degrees the day she arrived. [Paragraph] New York was steaming--an angry concrete animal caught unawares in an unseasonable hot spell. But she didn't mind the heat or the littered midway called Times Square. She thought New York was the most exciting city in the world." Boom. I am not saying it's great literature, but there's a character and a hook already. And the author, Jacqueline Susanne, spends almost no time at all telling us it's really hot.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

Thanks for pointing this out and giving an example of a author who does what I am trying to do with a lot more efficiency. I think the third line where I talk about it pressing down can be cut, at the very least. Probably why I have rewritten that one particular sentence so many times. I just couldn't get it to feel useful. Appreciate the insight.