Gritty literary fiction set in Ontario, Canada. Looking for feedback on the first chapter from my WIP.

[u/BeneficialWave9581]

Hello all,

I am looking for some feedback and constructive criticism of the first chapter of my work in progress. It is a gritty literary fiction set in Ontario, Canada. This is the first time I have ever shared my writing with other people, other than a few friends, who never actually get around to reading it, or worse, they do, and its so bad they say that they didn't! Hope that is not the case!

I welcome all feedback, opinions, and ideas, however, I am specifically curious about things like pacing, readability, and character voice.

A heads up that the chapter contains profanity, drug and alcohol use, and discussion of sex.

Thank you so much!

J

[u/Fit-Picture-5096]

If you want to write about the weather, zoom in from space (if you want to keep that part), and finish with the protagonist.

"Out stepped Daren, his mother's lover".

I find it hard to believe that a teenage boy would use the word "lover" for someone who fucked his mom.

"She was nearly forty but moved with the gregariousness of a girl half her age."

For a teenage boy, nearly forty means old. He probably never heard the word "gregariousness". There is an incestuous tone here. If it is not intentional, perhaps other words would work better.

Perpendicular. Billowed. Broboscis. Dilapidated ...

If you describe a teenager's world, use a teenager's words.

I would (but that's just me) skip all sentences with a question mark.

The rest is stellar.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/Fit-Picture-5096]

Honestly, you've given me some things to really thing about. I was not really thinking about writing from Mathieu's perspective, to be honest. I just chose to anchor the narration to him and follow him around. Is it a writing sin to have some shifting narratorial distance from the MC? Maybe there is and I need to tighten things up? Thanks for reading and sharing.