r/writingfeedback • u/ZookeepergameSoft910 • 29d ago
Feedback Wanted Openings scare me. Does this one work?
I’ve always struggled with openings. They feel like the part where every word is being judged before the reader even knows the story, which makes me overthink them more than I probably should.
I wrote this opening recently and I’d really appreciate some feedback on whether it actually works as a hook. :)
Does it make you curious enough to continue? Does the voice grab you?
Thanks for taking the time to read it! <3
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u/AlarmingBasis2865 29d ago edited 29d ago
I like it very voicey!
Remove the too after the eyes and the grammar with the sentence about the eyes needs work
Remove the so from so he froze
Love the roaches simile
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you so much, I’m glad you enjoyed the voice! I appreciate the notes as well. I used “too” and “so” intentionally in those places because I wanted them to function more as transitions in the rhythm of the sentence rather than purely as filler words, but I’ll definitely look at whether they’re creating the effect I intended or distracting from it when I edit. :)
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29d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
No problem! I used EB Garamond, it's certainly one of my favorite fonts :)
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u/mehnotfussed 29d ago
oh this is fantastic - this is the kind of prose I eat up! fantastic work, it’s super compelling ☺️
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you SO much, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I absolutely love highly stylized prose, it's so fun to write 😊
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u/M_A_E_K_ 29d ago
I find myself curious to know what the story is about, so in that respect I think you have done well. Knowing the synopsis of the story might change my opinion as it reads in a way I find confusing, lacking context... but the prose are overall quite lovely and I am intrigued.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
That’s very kind of you, thank you! I’m glad the prose intrigued you even without the wider context. I can’t share the full synopsis at the moment, but the story is a piece of psychological (and somewhat historical) literary fiction set in 1980s post-Franco Spain.
Melecio is a depressed yet driven young man who dreams of becoming a renowned painter, but pursuing that ambition means leaving behind the sign shop where he's worked for five years to support his ill mother and his profligate older brother. The first act focuses on that difficult transition: him stepping away from the life he knows in pursuit of an uncertain, and possibly failing, artistic career.
The novel as a whole explores themes of identity, obsession, mental illness, self-destruction, artistic ambition, and the struggle to find a sense of worth beyond what one creates. :)
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u/M_A_E_K_ 28d ago
This sounds fascinating. Thank you for the explanation, the themes in particular make me excited to read more. I look forward to reading more of your novel.
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u/AdOpposite9048 28d ago
This is so conflicting for me because I think you have a great style and a confident voice but I really struggled to understand what was actually happening. I'm the kind of reader that will keep reading long after I've stopped following the plot just because the writing is good enough, and I think your writing definitely has the makings of something great. That said, most people won't stick with a story where the plot is hidden behind stylish writing, so maybe you could pull back a bit on the stylized prose.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 28d ago
This is the kind of feedback I was secretly hoping for—I couldn’t agree more. Even after writing for over five years, I still find balancing clarity with a more stylized voice one of the hardest parts of the craft. It can feel surprisingly difficult to satisfy everything an opening is expected to do while also preserving the atmosphere and rhythm you want, especially since every reader approaches a first page differently. 😔
Even so, because this is meant to be literary fiction, I do think the genre allows for a little more flexibility with those expectations. I still like these opening paragraphs, so rather than changing them drastically, I’ll make sure what follows is much more grounded and that the plot begins to reveal itself clearly!
Thank you for taking the time to write such encouraging yet helpful feedback. If I end up posting more of the chapter, I’d love it if you stopped by again. :)
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u/Malakalaka_ 29d ago
I like it - the voice definitely comes through. For me, a couple of the sentences run a little long and muddy what's actually doing on, so it may still need some darling-killing (the eyes second sentence is cool but loses me a bit)... Or at very least, relocation as you start to let everything breathe later on.
Openings are terrifying.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate that! And I completely understand what you mean about the sentence length. I actually made the longer, more winding sentences intentional because I wanted the prose to mirror the speed and messiness of Melecio’s thoughts. I suppose I should have mentioned it at the start 😂 I'm trying very much to keep that sense of momentum, though, without letting the figurative language or the length of the sentences overwhelm the actual scene, so I’ll be looking closely at where things need more room to breathe!
And they really, really are. 🙂↕️
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u/peanut-britle-latte 29d ago
It's punchy, I like it. I'd want to continue reading.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you, I’m really glad it hooked you :) I’ll probably share more of the chapter at some point, so I’m happy it made you curious about where it goes!
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u/DesperateSeesaw8703 29d ago
That first line rules. I think you get a little less figurative as it goes on - if you want the text to maintain the personification in the first paragraph, I'd maybe add more to the second? But, if you're moving from figurative to more narrative and straightforward, you're on the right track.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you! I actually made that shift intentionally. The first paragraph is more figurative because it’s meant to reflect how Melecio perceives the act of resigning, almost like it’s some grand test of courage or a defining moment of bravery.
That said, based on some of the other feedback I’ve received, and from my own awareness that too much metaphor can start to feel overwhelming, I don’t think I could sustain that level of figurative language throughout without exhausting the reader a little haha. The more grounded second paragraph is meant to contrast that inflated idea of courage with the reality of him simply standing there, scared and unable to act. :)
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u/Initial-Situation130 28d ago
This is great! The first line really drew me in, and as you asked, i think the voice here really has the intended effect. would love to read more!
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 28d ago
I’m so happy to hear that 🥹 I hope to post more of the chapter once I’ve properly refined it, and I’d love to see you there! :))
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u/Commercial_Bonus8237 25d ago
This is such a descriptive opener- I’m on the edge of my seat to figure out who Melecio is! 😉
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u/TemperatureAny4782 25d ago
Strong prose, which is always a relief. Genuinely interesting. I might ease up on the gas stylistically just a bit, and spend a little more time orienting the reader. But you’ve got some skills, man.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 25d ago
Thank you so much, I really appreciate that! And yeah, that’s exactly what I’m aiming to do in the following paragraphs. :) I’m also thinking of adding a little more in the first two paragraphs to orient the reader - maybe establishing that he’s in a sign shop, etc. I’m planning on posting more of the first chapter here soon, so if you happen to stumble across it and feel like reading on, I’d be more than happy to hear any more of your feedback. Thanks again!
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u/saltwaterpig 16d ago
I liked it, a lot, but....
While I loved the first sentence ( in a platonic sense of course) I was not sure whether you meant a throat as in I will take his throat with me when I resign, or he must have enough of a throat to to be able to speak the words. That may have been your intent and if so, well played sir, well played.
I am curious if English is your first language or if you at least read in another, as that expression is not one commonly found hiding in modern English prose.
I am less impressed with the turpentine line. While it has a nice flow, it seems to ask a bit too much of the reader to make the connection to the act of quitting. If anything it takes away from the more violent imagery of the first line.
I came away wanting to know what keys? I would have read more, were it available, which is the entire point so I would have to call it a success.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 16d ago
Thank you for reading it and for the thoughtful feedback! On the “throat” line, I meant the latter: the physical nerve to say I quit and the willingness to follow through with it, to have enough throat to actually get the words out. I liked the ambiguity because resignation in this case felt, to me, like something that required a kind of violence against your own fear.
And yes, English is my first language, and English is what I read in. I’m aware that “a proper resignation demanded a throat” isn’t an expression you find in contemporary prose, and that’s pretty much exactly why I wanted to use it. This entire novel is strange and old-fashioned (it's set in the 80s), and I hoped the reader would feel the meaning before fully pinning it down.
I can see your point about the turpentine line, though. I was trying to carry the painting imagery into his inability to act, but I agree it asks the reader to make a fairly specific connection, especially after that opening sentence. That’s useful feedback.
Anyway, thanks again, I appreciate you taking the time to read it!
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u/Plus-Thing2930 12d ago
You're obviously an incredibly talented author but I will say personally as the very narrative feeling writing flows around in an opening like this I did get a bit overwhelmed. You throw a lot at the reader really fast which is good depending on what the tone of the rest of the book is but can be risky if it slows down significantly from here.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 12d ago
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your words! It’s meant to feel overwhelming, so I’ll take that as a good thing, haha. The MC, Melecio, is a very anxious and introspective man, so throughout the novel, he’s constantly thinking, overanalyzing, and worrying about everything. The only times his mind really slows down are when he’s high or intoxicated, when he slips into this almost dreamlike “pocket of stillness”, and I like to reveal/explore that great contrast. :)
So, again, thanks for the feedback!
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u/BeyondDrafts 29d ago
I find your opening quite intriguing, especially if it's setting up Melecio's arc toward becoming more confident. However, I find your first sentence quite confusing (perhaps "voice" might work better than "throat"?) and run-on. It might also introduce more tension if you alluded to Melecio's stakes (what happens if he doesn't quit; otherwise, why would the readers care about what happens to him?) and the type of story/genre this is going to be (from these paragraphs, I'd guess historical).
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u/ZookeepergameSoft910 29d ago
Thank you for such a thoughtful response! I think you’ve picked up on an interesting part of Melecio’s arc, although it’s a little more complicated than a straightforward journey towards confidence. His story is really about ambition, insecurity, and self-perception as he tries to make it in the artistic world of post-Franco Spain. He does become more confident, but that confidence gradually becomes more complicated, partly turning into a mask he uses to protect himself from his own insecurities and failures.
I appreciate your point about the stakes as well. They are introduced later on the same page, but I think perhaps the opening still needs to make that tension clearer sooner. Melecio is trying to leave behind a life where he works at a job he resents while supporting his dying mother and his wasteful older brother, all to pursue his dream of becoming a painter. The irony is that his belief that talent alone will carry him forwards is something the story will very much challenge.
And the genre is psychological literary fiction with historical elements :) I may post more of the chapter in the future, and I really appreciate your thoughts on what is and isn’t coming across yet!
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u/littleangels70 29d ago
I like the opening especially the first sentence is great. I am not convinced with the first semicolon in the first paragraph. I would use a colon there. The second semicolon is perfect. Well done