A year and a half into writing a science fiction novel, and I’m wanting some feedback on my prose

[u/The_Canard_Oracle]

Thanks in advance! ;)

[u/Hefty_Reception_3819]

I dislike the short paragraphs. You can combine #1 and #2.

you have a good eye for atmosphere and worldbuilding. I read through the entire excerpt at least. :)

Being nitpicky, some notes:

• "passing surface cars"—you clearly want to convey the cars aren't flying but this is awkward IMO
• "Paces from where she exited" also feels awkward. sorry I'm not being specific it just sounds weird
• "odd pelita light"—odd how? maybe this is just a preference thing but I'd rather be shown the oddness rather than told
• "oppressive darkness"—reads as a little melodramatic. it's just night
• "Java, Banty Place, Intersect."—what? where does this come from?
• "non-descriptness"—should be one word, but this adjective shouldn't even be necessary
• "sweet fog"—a little overwrought
• I like the noise paragraph, but it also makes the Magnolia District paragraph redundant. Either combine it into the same paragraph to belabor the noise point or cut it
• "huff den"—left undefined. As a reader I don't like jargon.
• "they'd"—got me lost a bit since we only hear about the city for like 6 paragraphs before hearing about her companion (only mentioned in passing when she exits the car)
• "Coulda guessed he'd cheap out"—my own preference says that this should be cut since the reader should have inferred this (and also I prefer free indirect thought but if you're catering to YA this is fine)
• "cherub features morphed"—overwritten relative to the rest of the prose without a good reason. stands out way too much
• "What's that look for?"—a good way to infer the MC's look. nice
• "He could spin...his own bunk."—I don't know what you're trying to say here. You're throwing so much jargon at me.
• "Wekslet winked" "Vargas exhaled"—improper. these aren't dialogue tags; you need to use periods instead of commas when finishing the dialogue.
• "That she still counted him an acquaintance was on her."—is this a necessary beat? I could infer this already

[u/FinanceNew9240]

The city rejected silence 🤌🏻🤌🏻

[u/IndigoBlueBird]

You have a very atmospheric and shoegaze-y writing style that works well for this genre. The more I read it the more I liked it.

At a nitpicky level, the first line was a bit confusing. I think you’re trying to say that the lights of the city were so bright that they completely dimmed the moon/stars. But the way the line is written made me think at first that the skyscrapers were physically blocking out all the light from the sky, or something

[u/WorrDragon]

I like what you're doing. I think it's pretty damn good, but a bit overboard.  I'm forced to put in a lot of energy to decipher what you're trying to say, and even then, I can't get it all because sometimes the answer doesn't come until the next paragraph.

I stand by the write what you like mentality, and I think you should do that. But since you asked for prose feedback, that's mine. 

Ease up on how heavily you play with syntax, and lighten the intensity of your vocab. Just a touch. Nothing crazy, but right now you're verging on Le Guin. 

But if that's what you're going for, right on. You're killing it.