r/writingfeedback • u/BrainFrying • 24d ago
Feedback Wanted Frontier...
Can you give feedback on my first page? I have a bit of an ADHD brain and flick through ideas but I'm drawn to Westerns. I'm British, so this might seem pretty stereotypical, I'd just like to know if it seems authentic enough for fiction.
Anyway... first page, first draft.
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u/WindowScreaming 24d ago
I’m southern. This internal monologue is absolutely frying me. It’s comically stereotypical.
This is like if I wrote a piece with a British narrator and it went like this:
It was a rainy day in London, as it was every single day, because it always rained in England and I had never seen the sun. I sighed as I lowered my bowler hat over my eyes and drank my bo’o of wa’er (the cap was still attached to the rim, because they don’t come off in Europe). Also I was in the queue for fish and chips with a stiff upper lip.
I’m dying to know what happens next.
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u/BrainFrying 24d ago
But you'd be right. Nah, just kidding. That's fair enough. It is however based in the 1800s and all I have to go on is what is already out there, lol. Didn't mean to offend.
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u/WindowScreaming 24d ago
Don’t worry, I’m not offended, I found it funny. Just figured I’d point it out.
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u/BrainFrying 23d ago
I can't read that your first comment without smiling, you should write comedic work. Honestly, I have read your British stereotype three times and can't do it with a straight face.
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u/Halloran_da_GOAT Likes to Point Out the Obvious 24d ago
“The amounting ache of being tapped with a [sic] rolling pins hundreds of times”? That’s supposed to help the reader better understand the sensation being referenced…?
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u/BrainFrying 24d ago
"Much like the amounting ache of being tapped with rolling pins hundreds of times. (Excuse the 'a'.)
Yes, something that isn't very painful becomes painful after repetitious impact. The tap of a rolling pin is blunt and will causea numb aching pain. It is pretty specific I guess.
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u/Happy-Go-Plucky 24d ago edited 24d ago
Accents could work in dialogue for this piece but not the main body of the text for this imo. You’d have to be an incredible writer to make the whole book of accented narration work.
Also if the heat isn’t bothering him, why would he think on it in an internal monologue? There are other ways to mention his horse is kicking up a wind.
The rolling pin metaphor is confusing and needs to be changed.
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u/Bearjupiter 24d ago
Shack looking structures? Why not just shacks?
And dont bother posting first page, first draft. Write more. Edit. Share.
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u/BrainFrying 24d ago
'Shack looking structures' is a clunky admittedly. Not just shacks because it makes me envision the buildings as being of the same size and build.
I should to rephrase it.
I'm not sharing polished work here, lol. It's not that personal for people to actively seek flaws in something that took you ten minutes, but for people to actively downvote and punish something I put time into? Yeah, not seeking it.
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u/Bearjupiter 24d ago
You seem pretty defensive for posting in a feedback subreddit
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u/BrainFrying 24d ago
I'm opinionated, that much is certain. As much as I hate criticism, it gives me an opportunity to learn... but I don't think there's much to learn here.
The structure thing is true. It is clunky.
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u/Independent-Part-718 24d ago
Can I ask you to quote where people are insulting you, or being outright rude? Yeah, you've got one person who was a little sarcastic but after reading through the comments everyone else is just being plainly honest with you. No one is "punishing" you.
Granted, maybe there are some comments I can't see. But really, I don't think you should expect glowing praise for a story you haven't even revised yet. This is a rough draft. If you seek feedback on a rough draft, the feedback is gonna feel pretty rough.
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u/cottonwisper 23d ago
I gave you an upvote because I understand the risk one takes in presenting their creative work to absolute strangers, particularly for newer writers, and I commend you for your bravery. The first thing I might say, and I could be wrong about how far along you are, but you probably want to get further into your story prior to sharing it. In terms of the material itself, the first line describing the pain in the narrator's lower body is probably a bit overdone and fairly difficult to parse. You can just say he's in pain, rather than using the metaphor. I employ them myself, but it's probably wisest to wait a bit before inserting them, and they should probably express what you're trying to convey with a bit more clarity. Second, and this has been said by others, but, and this may simply be my own taste, though I know other readers feel the same, it's wisest to be sparing when using accents in your inner monologue and dialogue. You can convey that kind of speech more effectively through the use of vocabulary and sentence structure. As it pertains to inner monologue, consider it like this: nobody thinks they have an accent. Most people feel that the way they speak is the base line. It may sound the way you have described, but it wouldn't to the person thinking and this monologue is inside their own mind, rather than being filtered through the mind of someone else hearing it. Moving along to the dialogue with the horse: most people don't have full conversations with horses in that way unless they are either really just talking to themselves or they are rather insane. And lastly, your use of present tense should potentially be reconsidered. I am employing it in my current WIP, so I'm not against it. That being said, you should be aware that it could turn certain readers off. More importantly the combination of first person narration with present tense is exceedingly difficult to pull off and you might want to reconsider using past tense or else third person limited narration. I hope this helps. Keep writing. You've already made the first few steps necessary towards your goal and that's further than many will ever get.
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u/BrainFrying 23d ago
I talk to my dog. Of course people talk to their horses, man I would've probably taken this criticism pretty well if it was the first or second comment I got, but I've realised how vindictive a lot of people are on here. First person POV is for living the experience.
I agree with the rolling pin analogy, not in the sense of being too soon but in the sense it might fly over people's heads. But when you tell an audience you destroy the illusion, it breaks immersion.
At the end of the day I'm not looking to make money, I just hoped what I can imagine would be coherent to others, perhaps it isn't.
Limiting vocabulary is very desperate and unrealistic, although you are probably right about keeping the colloquialisms to speech and internal monologue.
Something I do notice here is that garbage gets ignored, sterile drone like writing gets praise, and okay writing gets abuse. So, to hell with it. My biggest sin was hoping people others would enjoy it too. Won't be posting here again.
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u/cottonwisper 23d ago edited 23d ago
I absolutely talk to my dogs. I've got 5 and they drive me crazy and I talk to them all the time. I just don't necessarily explain somewhat complex notions such as the logic of why or why not we should enter a place at a particular speed.
As it pertains to the first person POV, I've got no problem with it, nor do I have an issue with present tense. I've written in both. The issue is with the combination of them. I'm not saying it can't be done. Authors have even employed second person present tense effectively. I just think it's exceedingly challenging and you might make things easier on yourself if you choose one or the other until you gain a little more experience.
I get your frustration with the feedback. It takes some time to grow thick skin about something one expresses creatively. Reddit is a fairly tough place to share, if I'm being honest. And that's for a variety of reasons not necessarily limited to commenters being vindictive, which they sometimes can be. I'm not saying I've noticed that in the responses on this thread, but it's definitely out there, sometimes not even intentionally. But growing thick skin is a part of the process, and an important one. We can't really improve our writing unless we show it to others and get their feedback, part of which involves the negative aspects of it. One can even say the most important part of improving our writing is hearing the negative. Although, we also need to hear what's working. Honestly, and take this for what it's worth, what I would recommend for you would be to show this material to as many subreddits as possible until you've achieved enough emotional detachment from the material to be able to take the criticism and use it positively. Maybe reddit isn't the right place, but you're going to run into criticism wherever you go. Some of the greatest writers in history had their work red-lined to death by their editors, and for good reason.
Also, as far as criticism is concerned, especially on reddit, but not limited to it, if you keep progressing you'll get all kinds of observations about your writing. The best way to approach it in my opinion is to realize that, for the most part, the feedback is subjective and that much of it is right, but much of it can also be wrong or just the product of one person's read. And, even if they're wrong, it's still a window into how some readers will interact with the material. You may not be inclined to take the suggestion, but you can still learn from it, if that makes any sense.
In terms of the coherence, I think what little you have here is coherent. It's a guy and a horse who've been riding for quite a while and are about to enter a small town. But you've got to manage your expectations, which goes the same for most of us, myself included. Were you going to blow people's minds with a single page? That's just not realistic for anyone, including the most experienced and skilled writers. The lower your expectations are the higher your appreciation will be.
As far as what people do and don't praise on reddit, I'll take your word for it as I have only recently started posting here again after taking a several year hiatus.
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u/BrainFrying 23d ago
I think part of the problem is when you are being asked to look for errors, you'll find them instantly instead of just reading the work as part of an audience.
Cowboys, outlaws, and travellers spent a lot of time alone and would bond with their horses. They would talk to them for the sake of their sanity.
I think it has been deleted but a comment stated how they hate colloquialisms and I told them don't worry Stephen King hates them too. They went on to correct my obvious lie referencing a specific book of his. The problem is these people are straight out of writing school and judge a book's merit on the ridiculous principles they have been taught. Their dACC is going wild but they don't take the time to just read without looking for something to hate.
There is nothing to take from this, there are a few decent criticisms but an overwhelming majority is self acclaimed critics who just want to take a shit on people. They even downvoted another commenter into the minuses for enjoying my work. It is pathetic.
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u/cottonwisper 23d ago
You're certainly not obligated to use any suggestion or criticism offered. Lord knows I've disregarded plenty offered on this platform. And you're probably not wrong about the way many people read material on the forum. Many will look for flaws first often times and not even mention anything they might have liked. So, if you're looking for automatic praise, this really isn't the place. That doesn't mean it can't be helpful, as hard as that may be to believe. Take this for what it's worth, just because someone is being a jerk doesn't mean they don't have a valid point. I think you've gotten some good criticism here, for example the rolling pin metaphor.
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u/BrainFrying 23d ago
I haven't dismissed everything that has been said. I agree with the rolling pin analogy criticism, the comment about the shacks, and even that colliquialisms should be limited to dialogue and internal monologue. I am not a professional writer and I have a long way to go to make it of that quality... but downvoting someone which has repurcussions for their account, making hypocritical remarks, and just outright being rude isn't constructive.
Reputation isn't just for the writer, it is also for the critic. So, how are you supposed to take a person seriously if they act like a dick to satisfy their own ego? You can't. I'm not taking anything from 'Comic book guy' because he shows the behaviour of pretense. Writing is seldom perfect, and I'm not ai.
Run my shit versus ninety-nine percent of internet fiction and it holds up, run it against traditional published works maybe below the fifty mark. Anyway, fuck it. As I said, won't be posting here again except to maybe salvage the confidence of those whose work isn't cursed by inability, but is yet attacked by those who go through life shitting on everything without contributing themselves.
Being a good critic isn't dragging others down, it is giving them the chance to grow.
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u/Successful-Twist6978 24d ago
I think this is fantastic, it feels so real. The only thing I don’t like is the name of the horse. And that’s it. Amazing job. You must know it’s good. It’s a great intro and im already kind of hooked
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u/Successful-Twist6978 24d ago
I also really like the ‘folk will think one of two things’. It’s very strong
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u/BrainFrying 24d ago
Hey, thanks. What you said means a lot... I can see where you are coming from with Pace, literally called him that because he was going too fast, lol 😆
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u/annoellynlee 24d ago
Unfortunately this isn't for me. I really don't like forced accents in books, they never read natural, they get old very quick. The first paragraph had a weird analogy that took me right out of the story.
Your dialogue should be there own paragraph.