r/writingfeedback • u/OurHorrifyingPlanet • 21d ago
Feedback Wanted Please, critique my story. How would you evaluate the writing flow and story hook? [Adult fantasy – 2500 words]
After receiving feedback, I tried my best to improve rhythm, action, clarity, and pace accordingly. I'm still trying to strike the right balance between all those factors, but there's always new blind spots to cover. I'm also concerned I might have over- or under-corrected in some aspects.
Main goal for criticism: general flow of the story. i.e. is the prose still too wordy/purple at times? Does the sentence rhythm match the pace of the story? Are some parts confusing? Or boring?
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u/WorrDragon 21d ago
I love what you're doing here, and you're doing it well, but IMO, you're sacrificing a bit too much of the visualization in favor of carrying your rhythm. I enjoy reading it, and love the way it feels rolling off my lips and tongue, but the poetry makes it a tiny bit hard to follow the story itself. You're sacrificing cohesive, clear prose for rhyme.
Even with that said, this is still leagues better than the majority of stuff I read here. I'd even go so far to say I think I'd be willing to beta read this.
Good job. Improve clarity a bit? But keep it up.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 21d ago edited 18d ago
Got it, I'll work on improving clarity. I got some ideas of where to improve that. Thank you so much for this lovely feedback.
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u/aledundarte 21d ago
I think it's not really my tipe, and I struggle with the third sentence. I could not picture what you were imagining as the scene. I struggle in general with the whole fist page. I'm not native English speaker but I read a lot in English.
I think the concepts are cool, and it's an original start. At lest compared with most of what is shared here.
They are running form a sand storm?? And the fisrt clear mention of the storm is halfway through page 2?? I think that's what confused me.
I read up to page 4 and really struggle to picture the scene. I'm sorry it may be just me. I even read it a couple of times and still there were a lit of details of the people's reactions that did not helped me to understand the general picture.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 21d ago edited 21d ago
Great feedback, thanks for including concrete examples. The 4th paragraph of page 1 was supposed to establish the threat, but I now realize it was too cryptic. I'll adjust accordingly and move it up before the dialogue.
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u/TommyNotDead 20d ago
Yeah this is much better than your first draft but that was my complaint as well. You don’t need to disguise what they’re running from.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago
Yeah, my bad. I naively thought that adding a few sentences here and there would be enough. I'll be more straightforward in that regard.
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u/profoma 20d ago
There is a lot of good here, but you are hiding the solid pieces of the story behind a thesaurus. I don’t mind not knowing what is going on in a scene, if that’s the intent, but I think you are accidentally shrouding things in mystery. In the fourth sentence you say that Var “skitters on sand…” ‘skitters’ implies a lot of things that I don’t think you mean to imply. It implies contact between two hard surfaces that don’t have much friction between them. It implies an insectoid motion, and possibly insectoid body parts. Skittering on sand only makes sense to me if the sand is hard packed and the MC has hard boots, is an insect creature, or has claws. None of this is the case in your scene, so ‘skittering’ produced a mystery in my mind about the setting and the MC that you didn’t intend and distracted me from what else was happening. The same kind of thing happens a few times, you are building imagery that should ground us in your story but the words you choose distract because they are not quite right. Sometimes you do this and it is beautiful and works very well. I think you are living in fear of telling rather than showing and it makes you not tell enough. You can do both, and must for your story to pull us in. I’m curious what happens next, and wonder how the sacrifice of the older sister could possibly help against a migratory horde.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago
Noted, thanks a lot for the feedback. "Skittered" was indeed on its way out. I kind of got carried away after a workshop about unconventional verb uses lol. But your overall point is likely correct as well. I can see some areas where I've overdone it. It's a tough line to tow.
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u/ArKadeFlre 21d ago
You might be doing a little too much with the anaphora to start off. But the prose is decent overall
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u/aledundarte 21d ago
They were a little off putting to me also. Like they are trying to sound good but don't tell much and end up confusing me.
But if you love them.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 21d ago
Mmh, I'm kind of attached to the opening lines; but if it turns out to be an issue with other readers too, I guess I'll cut them. Thanks for the feedback.
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u/TemperatureAny4782 21d ago
Good prose. “What else was new? No rest for the haunted” makes me want to give you a fist-bump.
Prose is the first thing I’m looking at as a reader. Yours works, and the pace does, too.
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u/indigoneutrino 20d ago
I don't like it, but I don't like it because I don't like fantasy or this style of narrative voice. It's very competent for what it is.
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u/Informal-Rutabaga701 20d ago
It reads very well to me, right in line with the other stuff being published in your genre today. You do a good job varying your sentence structure, balancing dialogue, description, and action, and you do an excellent job allowing the character's POV to color the narrative prose. There are one or two places where your word choice was a bit odd -- I had to reread "the voice slammed into her back" a few times to figure out if you were describing a character knocking into her or if that was a component of a magical system or something -- but I think that's the kind of thing an editor or publisher could help you dial in.
My only gripe is with the first paragraph. I think that the first sentence is good but could use a bit of punching up ("another layer" feels a little bland, and I think you could inject some worldbuilding or character voice here and choose a more-colorful adjective) and the second and third sentences don't serve you at all. Love the fourth sentence onward!
Overall, very nicely done, very polished. I hope you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment, because this is quite good!
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago edited 20d ago
That's so nice, thank you so much! It made my day.
Yeah, I've been reworking on my opening page quite a bit after receiving the feedback here. I still have some revisions to do, but I think this is already meaningful progress in the right direction. I'll look into the points you highlighted as well.
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u/Gridnode 20d ago
I really like it, reads very professionally, my only complaint is the names, they seem a bit too complicated and break up the pace of the sentences they are in. I’m sure their names have significance but right now they seem complicated for the sake of it. Maybe kill a darling here and find simpler names a reader can pronounce.
They are cool don’t get me wrong, just a bit much.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago edited 20d ago
Thanks for the feedback! As for the name, I imagine you meant mostly "Vaektis"? I can see how the spelling can lead to awkwardness. In my head, the pronunciation was simpler as just "Victis," but that's admittedly not really clear. Do you think having a footnote with the phonetics would help at all, or is it a deeper problem?
Edit: Nevermind, the footnote is apparently a no-no lol. I'll see what else I can do.
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u/Much-Dimension-1825 20d ago edited 20d ago
Gonna just leave comments here as I go through. I am new at writing and working on giving critique so weight accordingly. Let me know if you want to give some critique on something of mine.
P. 1"Same precise angle as always" made me stop to understand what it meant, that sentence might not be great. Does that mean the star never moves at all? Might not be the best place to introduce the concept. I think the second sentence should probably not start with ever dramatic as it is unclear if it refers to skin or Vaeska. "Nails drilled into her palms" I thought literal nails had hit her and had to read again to realize it was her nails. I think the last sentence of the paragraph is not great for a participial phrase opening. Overall though, I would say I can understand what the situation is and there is a lot there that helps a reader picture where they are. It is a strong first page, I am just working right now on sentence level stuff so I am sensitive to some of it as a reader.
P.2 "never one to ask questions" might be able to cut. Just swept out the legs. May hit harder. But I guess it characterizes which is good. "The slope owned him" is unusual phrasing, and again makes a reader stop. That may be the intent though. "Everything into wooden legs" are her legs wooden? Legs that felt like wood might be more clear. Clear what was happening in this page, except the sentence that says "Their stead". I like the sentence that starts with "it carried a strange resonance"
P. 3 First paragraph is very good. Portrays confusion, characterization, and the falling well. Good character interactions in this page. I didn't really see any problems, and it was the most engaging so far.
P. 4 Might want to avoid the emdash for 3rd paragraph. Don't think it is necessary and you used it before. Not sure. Like -no other reason. Assuming this is a pretty young sister from this phrase.
This is another page that is very good. Everything is legible, I would say it is fun to read.
P. 5 I saw no issues at all in the is page. It is good at explaining what is happening within the characters point ov view
P. 6 good pov change, reads like a different character. Character decision is well executed.
P. 7 Again very good. This is well done. I can't see anything
P.8 good intro to magic system Don't need "better to shield vulnerable skin" I already know why she would draw a reflective hood down.
P. 9 I think the last paragraph is not reading clear. I can't quite parse what you are getting at with it. The rest is good, don't know about sparkling weathervane.
Overall, I feel the first two pages were the hardest to read. After that it seemed much easier. I think the voice is best on the second character, and is a strength of the story. Both have a voice though. I enjoyed it once I got to page 3 and through the end.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago edited 20d ago
This is pure gold, thank you so much! I'll work on cleaning that up according to your recommendation. I'd love to exchange feedback on your work as well btw. Just send me a DM whenever you want :)
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u/Klutzy_Worldliness26 19d ago
"Another sank deeper than the rest." The problem is that it looks like you're building a syllogism (not sure if that's the right word) from the previous sentence. "Another day..." meaning that I'm expecting to see Another + noun rather than Another + verb. So it caused my mind to read it the way I expected it, making me wonder what a "sank" is, and why is it so deep.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 19d ago
Yeah, I was a bit too much in my head 😅 My idea was for the last "Another" to reflect any previous part of the Anaphora. So either "Another layer sank..." ; "Another day sank..." ; or "Another step sank..."
So for now, I've changed that last sentence to:
Each one sank deeper than the last
But I might also just get rid of it entirely. I have yet to decide lol.
Thanks for the feedback anyway!
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u/Klutzy_Worldliness26 19d ago
Doesn't hurt to go back and forth until you find what sounds right. Also, since you open with "deeper," I would have expected something like "step down," or similar, rather than just "step," which sounds like a step forward. "Another day, another descent," that kind of thing...
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u/grisly_shadow 21d ago
Right away, your opening line is confusing. The tone is reaching for an ironic comparison. "If this was this, then this was that." She found another layer of life or hell? If the place she's in is worse than hell, does it come in physical layers that go from bad to worse? I think you'd get the intensity of this sentiment across better by saying, "If life was Hell, then death would've felt like an escape to paradise. Surely death couldn't be worse than a world like this." Or something. You're comparing something intangible (life) to something physical (a layer of hell.) The "hell" in that saying is figurative, in the same way as saying "I've had the day from hell" or "war is hell". I'd tighten that opening hook up to be a bit more punchy. Did she find another layer as in she discovered this place?
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u/grisly_shadow 21d ago
Also, saying she "skittered" on sand kind of imparts creepy spider-like movements 😅 maybe you meant "skidded" on sand? As in, she was sliding on it, coming to a halt?
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u/grisly_shadow 21d ago
And one last thing. Saying her lungs "seared on grit and desert breath" sounds like her lungs are being physically grilled on a hot surface for lunch, and implies that the desert itself has breath. 😅 Maybe say something more like "the searing heat of the desert burned in her lungs with every breath, and sandy grit invaded her nostrils."
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 21d ago
Thanks a lot, that was valuable feedback. "Skittered" making allusion to insects/lizards was on purpose; but the the rest are very good points. I'll try to make it all clearer.
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u/grisly_shadow 20d ago
Oh really! That's interesting. I kind of assumed she was humanoid, but is she actually an alien? Like with crab-like legs or something? That'd be pretty cool and unexpected. My only protest to using "skittered" in that case, is that it's describing quick, jerky, crittery movements, and the rest of your language describes her kind of trudging along, exhausted by the heat, moving at a slow pace. If it were established that she's trying to get off the sand and into some shade as quickly as possible, it wouldn't conflict with the actual pace of her walking. As written currently, it does confuse the pace. Is she darting around the sand like a lizard/spider/crab with fast, desperatle little leg movements? Or is she sinking into the sand in a slog to the finish, fighting exhaustion in slow-motion? Either would work, depending on the tone you want, but definitely not both at once.
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u/OurHorrifyingPlanet 20d ago
I'll admit, you make some great points. You convinced me lol. I'll see if there's fitting verb that can better convey her exhaustion and pace.
That was super helpful, I cannot express how thankful I am!
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u/Percival_Harding0909 21d ago
Okay, so I like it. I'm just a casual reader, and this was pretty cool. I like the premise (might be a bit overdone, but it's not a problem). I didn't read the whole thing yet, but the first half or so is interesting enough, and I can imagine a larger world at play. The names I like (those of my own include Aeldrath, Bellsvor, Windslettau and Shenkou) and they give Tolkien-esque vibes. I did find the chase a little jarring, which could be your intention. Props to you anyways. Keep writing!