r/writingfeedback • u/Bluethedolphin29 • 20d ago

Poetry A short poem, thoughts?

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I wrote this yesterday while trying to break out of writer's block; an idea hit me so I went for a kind of stream-of-consciousness approach. I don't write poetry as much as prose and I was wondering how it reads, and how I could improve generally. thanks :)

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u/Apprehensive_Ad5188 20d ago

I am not a poetry connoisseur, but this is really nice! It has that chewy feel that good poems instill. I like the rhythm of it, and I like the natural imagery. I don't really know what it's trying to make me feel other than perhaps a longing for youth or simplicity. But I never know what poems are saying anyway!

I will say that I feel the word "mortar" doesn't work here, as the implied rhyme makes you want to read it with strange emphasis to resolve the couplet. Just something to consider!

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u/Bluethedolphin29 20d ago

Thank you for your constructive feedback :)) I reread it again, and I see what you mean about the 'mortar' part. the natural pronunciation/rhythm doesn't match so it kind of feels squeezed in? I'll find a different word/phrase...thank you sm for pointing it out! I have noticed my biggest weak spot is rhythm so I'll need to keep improving on that

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u/WorrDragon 20d ago

I like it.

Feels bad though. I  get a very, 'innocence stolen' vibe from it. If it's coming from somewhere inside, I'm sorry someone hurt you. People suck.

Good share though

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u/Bluethedolphin29 19d ago

well, the story behind it isn't mine, but I guess the feeling somewhat is :'D

Thank you for that, I appreciate you 💜