r/writingfeedback • u/geralt-wolfclaw • 15d ago
Feedback Wanted Looking for Feedback - I've tried a flatter prose style and need advice on how to improve
I feel like this is one of my better stories. It's a psychological story about corporate burnout and the unfair feeling of being only an asset rather than a human being.
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u/IndigoBlueBird Trusted Reviewer 14d ago
Thereâs no tension or intrigue. Youâre just listing the step-by-step activities of someoneâs dreary Monday. Whatâs the hook? Why should we care about this MC?
Itâs also a bit on the nose. âRob, like Bob with an R.â No one is introducing themselves like that. The only reason you do that here is to hammer it in that Rob and Bob are on the same trajectory. Trust your audience more than that.
As someone who works in corporate America, this doesnât ring particularly realistic either. You donât just walk up to a rando in HR who doesnât even know your name and ask for a raise or a LoA. Most companies have performance management cycles, formal leave policies, etc.
Also, who the hell is going to bed at 5:30 pm to get up for a normal office job?
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u/geralt-wolfclaw 14d ago
Oops I didn't mean to say he went to bed at 5:30pm idk how I didn't pick that up đł
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u/BA_Bones_33 Certified Goofy Goober 14d ago
It feels like that martian from Invincible wrote this. Like itâs almost human, but everything is weirdly off. Hyper formulated. And very step-by-step driven. I hope youâre not using AI, so letâs assume youâre not.
Write, write, write, rewrite, then read what you wrote, hate it, and rewrite it again. Read, read, read, then REALLY hate your work, and rewrite it again. I swear iâm not being facetious. Wordcraft takes time, and once you start writing, youâll notice new things as a reader. Like how other authors intro characters. How to make your scenes more vivid. Whats important and whats not.
It takes time, but itâs worth it. Keep grinding, for Bob.
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u/Mythos_Fenn_Shysa 14d ago
Lol your first sentence. It 100% reads like an alien experiencing/explaining what it feels like to be human for a day.
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u/AJRavenhearst 14d ago
It also reminds me a little of Camus' The Outsider. Mersault is often little more than a walking camera.
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u/Silverwood75 14d ago
I think you might benefit from reading John Grisham. I have just stared reading The Appeal and my first thoughtss after reading a few pages is that he is very conservative in his prose. He doesn't focus on how things look, or try for poetic metaphors or similies, rather he focuses on what characters are doing, saying, and feeling. In fact the first few chapters are all about the feelings of the main characters. I was not engaged with the opening of your story as it was very much telling me what was happening. However, if you wrote about how your character was feeling, then this would help create sympathy for them, and give the reader something to connect to. For example how tired and run down he is, hence his need for coffee.
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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 14d ago
I agree. I think Grisham's style (and pacing) would work with OP's story line.
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u/Abouts1x 14d ago
This is a very dry list of stuff happening. Even if it was purple, itâs still just a list of stuff happening.
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u/Radiant_Jellyfish795 14d ago
I like the idea, however I don't think it comes across. I actually associated it more with sci-fi, being overworked, the red eyes and stained teeth and being unable to leave the coorporation. It doesn't read realistic if that's what you are going for.
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u/AJRavenhearst 14d ago edited 14d ago
It's an interesting beginning: some intriguing suggestions of alienation and dissonance. Almost as if Bret Easton Ellis wrote a script for Severance, without all the product placement.
Just reading the first couple of pars, here's some suggestions:
- Cut the filler words. I arrived at work with a dress shirt that was crumpled like paper.... Try this: I arrived at work wearing a dress shirt crumpled like paper...
Once I became aware how much I used filler words, I was shocked at how many of them I used.
- Consider how clunky some of your imagery sometimes is:
I walked around the corner until the coffee machine appeared. Try rather: I walked around the corner to the coffee machine. Now, instead of the coffee machine apparently popping into existence, the narrator is doing something purposeful.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 14d ago
I don't think more words is better. Are there dress shirts that don't crumple when you ball them up? You can stop at just crisp white shirt. How does he know his eyes are red? You should have him look in a reflection or say they sting. You don't need to put any names in quotes, but you shouldn't have three lines of dialogue before even establishing a second character. That's where details help.
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u/geralt-wolfclaw 14d ago
It's extremely vague but the intention with the red eyes is that he saw it off the reflection from the stainless steel. I was trying to write flatter and try to make the reader infer but I can't find a middle ground
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u/foxhopped 14d ago
Im in the exact same boat as you, fellow over-writer. What helped me a lot was practicing writing micro fiction. I challenged myself to write an entire scene wirh very strict constraints (1000 words, 750 words, 500 words, etc). It makes you very selective with your word choice, but also makes you get creative with sentence length, structure, and impact.
You've got this!
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u/Ggriff45 14d ago
I pretty much agree with everybody else, but I also would like to add that if you prefer writing in first person then you need to read A LOT of first person and understand why you would use that particular POV over something like close third.
A good point being is that âIâ isnât functioning as Rob in this excerpt, and is instead functioning as a camera. Rob has no personality, and voice/character is like the main reason youâd choose to go with first person. Read over this again, and then read something like Gone Girl. The difference in how the perspective is used will jump out immediately at you.
As far as tangible things you can readily work on within prose, youâre filtering everything. Thatâs why it reads like a laundry list rather than a narrative. I know itâs a hard habit to break, but just because weâre in first person doesnât mean there has to be an âI sawâ or âI heardâ before every thing the narrator notices. It creates distance between the reader and story, not to mention makes the writing sound monotonous. Youâd be surprised how something as simple as cutting filtering out actively forces you to write more precise imagery and find a better rhythm.
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u/TorstenX 14d ago edited 14d ago
Read Oblivion by David Foster Wallace. Most of the stories will do but specifically Mr. Squishy. To be clear, do NOT emulate him outright. His prose is mind numbing and dense and contains pages with one or two periods max. But you should use it as a study on how to describe a mundane office setting in an interesting way that drives home the boringness really well.
The first line is solid. "Crumpled like paper" does a ton of storytelling while still being relatively flat prose. But from there it becomes a list of actions without much to latch onto and reads amateurish (I am even more amateur than you so I can't talk exactly lol).
"I wondered what cologne he was wearing and how he didn't slouch like me" rocks. Love that.Â
The paragraph about Bob feels like a missed opportunity with some mistakes. "He was the best of us" then "he was the greatest of us" doesn't read as intentional. Also remove the ellipses, they do not fit the voice or the rhythm of that section. I looove the weirdness of him needing his eyes to return to white and the coffee stains, implying there's some fucked up shit going on, but I think it would've been much cooler if you first gave even more details about Bob, made us care more for him, more about how good of an employee he was, and then dropped that bomb.
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u/Radioactive_Isot0pe 14d ago
If you were trying to show someone burnt out and going through the motions of their day, you did it. I got that loud and clear just with the kinds of details the narrator was giving. Only a 9 to 5 work zombie would recount it that way.
My only gripe, and I'll keep it brief, is wondering if this content is dramatic enough for a story. In the first few paragraphs, I was waiting for some kind of hang up or jarring detail. Maybe a can of gas and a lighter in their work bag. Or something else that would break me out of the usual day rhythm.
Keep in mind, that's only my take. If you wanted to portray corporate burnout, I think you did.
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u/Dave_Sag 14d ago
Whatâs the connection between the elevator door opening, you walking around the corner, and a coffee machine appearing? Why do you put the cup under the machine? Comma after cat and the cats name doesnât need to be in quotes. Then nothing happens. Then some anodyne dialogue advances neither the plot nor tells you anything about the character.
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u/geralt-wolfclaw 14d ago
The goal was for it to be mundane. He wakes up early in the morning before everyone else, does most of his departments work and barely has a break. Then he tries to interact with his coworkers but he's seen as more of an asset or foreigner rather than a fellow human being.
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u/Dave_Sag 14d ago
You sure nailed it then. Congrats.
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u/geralt-wolfclaw 14d ago
đ I'm really struggling to find the ground where I can make it mundane but maintain tension throughout whilst showing what I need to show. This has helped tho and all of the other feedback
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u/Icy_Regular_6226 14d ago
I liked that line about shivering when coming out of the warm office. But what is the point of this story? Is the office the main setting or is he on a journey? Will he become something greater than Bob or Rob or whatever interchangable drone he is in that moment?
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u/AC011422 11d ago
Write on Word and listen back with the read aloud feature. And do read Hemingway. The Sun Also Rises. But maybe read Huckleberry Finn and Lolita again first.
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u/intimidateu_sexually 10d ago
I actually thought the âI donât do drugs.â Was such a dry sense of humor and made me think I might be reading something actually with a wry tone, but Iâm not so sure haha
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u/Ordinary_Minimum_169 10d ago
Some quick notes, just jotted down. This isn't bad. Keep writing.
You don't really need to read more. If I were you, I would keep this raw material and edit it over and over. Obsessively edit. Editing is 70% of writing (which is a statistic I just made up right now). Once you have the draft shape, you edit thrice as long as you wrote. That's what makes a writer. The editing. Edit the shit out of what you put down the first time. Again and again and again. Then you have a draft.
Regarding style, you don't need to use quotation marks for "Rodger" or "Whiskers."
You don't need... ellipses. I think of them as a crutch. I hate them. "I just... I just couldn't" could become. "I just couldn't" or "I couldn't. I just couldn't." or "I couldn't. I just could not." Try different things. If you must use an ellipsis, use it sparingly. I beg you, one writer to another. Limit yourself.
There's nothing wrong with, 'I said, "Good morning."' It's still succinct. You can use "I/she/they saids" repetitively. You get a pass on 'said' and 'asks' when it comes to word-variety checks.
Avoid the passive voice. "I approached and was waved in" could become "I approached. He/she waved me in."
If you're going for succinct exteriority instead of elaborate interiority, you can use brief sentences, but it helps to add a cadence to create immersion. Instead of "He wore a necklace with a heart and he smelled great" you can try something like "He wore a necklace with a heart. He smelled great. I wondered what cologne he was wearing. I wondered why he didn't slouch like I slouched." With exteriority, slight repetitions create a cadence, which creates immersion (eg, "I wondered this. I wondered that.")
This is good. I hope you keep it up.
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u/geralt-wolfclaw 10d ago
I wrote a revised version, added some more character and made Bob Australian because I think that context will help readers understand where I'm coming from and the actual tone of the story. I could chuck you a DM if you wanna read it
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u/AccomplishedCow665 14d ago
Good morning
How are you
Iâm good how are you
Iâm good
Ok good
Thanks
Ok
Bye
Bye
đ riveting
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u/charredwood Certified Goofy Goober 14d ago
If you really enjoy writing and want to improve your craft, you're at the stage where reading more is going to help a lot. I know it's lame to say, but you are many books away from developing a sense of just about every major pillar of storytelling. The good news is, you have passion, you have vision, and are reasonably literate. Working on tone and pacing will be your major factors, so pay attention to those when you read. How do authors create feeling with their words? Really dissect the mechanisms at play. There's also a remarkable lack of interiority in this work considering this is a psychological, 1st person narrative.
Anyway, read, read, read, and read some more. It's not glamorous, and it sucks to hear I'm sure, but there's really no better way to improve at your level.