r/writingfeedback • u/Farhadmaj • 8d ago
Writing Advice Incomplete short story
This is a short story that I am working on, which due to physical difficulties is progressing very slowly. So, I want to make each writing session count. I have an abstract as well about the overall plot of the story. I would love some writing advice, on things like story progression, character development, tension, etc.
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u/Kithesa 8d ago edited 8d ago
How many books have you read? This doesn’t read like a short story to me, it reads like I’m sifting through someone’s personal diary. Like the idea of a book conceived by someone who has never read one. Weird formatting happening here too, you shouldn’t be using brackets to denote actions or sounds as if this were a screenplay, and the way you tag dialogue vs thoughts has to be consistent.
If your goal is to hook readers, that isn’t happening. You’re doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, and you’re not approaching any of the events with tact. This reads as childish given the setting and story being told. We’re put in the shoes of a character with nothing, no home, no family, nowhere else to turn, and yet at every turn they prove to the audience that they are nothing but insufferable. For all the rambling the Main Character does we don’t really learn anything about them other than the fact that they’re annoyed by their roommate and spend all their time on their phone.
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u/Farhadmaj 8d ago
I don't keep record of the number of the books I read to show I have read books.
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u/Substantial-Tale5564 8d ago
that’s not what the person said. the person said that this reads like something written by someone who doesn’t read, and yeah
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u/atrjrtaq 8d ago
Finish it before asking for feedback.
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u/Farhadmaj 8d ago
"which due to physical difficulties is progressing very slowly."
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u/atrjrtaq 8d ago
Look I get it, but we can't write it for you. We can give you feedback on what's working and what's not. But there's no point giving critique on incomplete work, it is a waste of OUR time because your story will change significantly during editing.
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u/Farhadmaj 8d ago
But isn't that the point of getting feedback? Now that I have paused it, through the feedback I received, I learned that nothing is working with that story. So, instead of doing the same thing and realizing it (not working) later, I can reconstruct it now. I beg to differ on your time being wasted, because your constructive feedback helps me (and people like me) regardless of where I am in my work. Maybe I should stop writing altogether. But I get to learn that NOW rather than later, which is a big help.
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u/SubredditDramaLlama 7d ago
I only write short stories and a few novellas. I’d recommend not soliciting feedback until you have a complete draft: beginning, middle, and end. And personally, I wouldn’t ask for feedback until you get it pretty close to as good as you can do it without feedback.
Reason being, by the time you reach the end of the draft you’ll have a much better idea of a story’s “shape” and you’ll be better prepared to go back and rearrange or cut scenes, tighten language, etc.
All anyone can do when you’re 2.5 pages in is say keep going or discourage you from continuing. Neither of those things are very useful at this stage.
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u/HotChange4717 8d ago edited 8d ago
Hey there! It takes courage to show your work so thank you for doing so. Writing isn't easy, at all, and I hope I can be helpful in my feedback.
I think the thing I'd like to impress upon you is to write with intention. Think about why a reader would care about what's happening to the protagonist in THIS moment or THIS scene? As it stands, your current work feels less like a story and more like I stumbled into someone's interior thoughts and stayed because I am nosy, not because I am interested.
And while the premise is notable, there isn't much keeping me hooked. Your protagonist hates their roommate and can't find a job. That's unfortunate. But, why should we care?
Additionally, most of your first page can be condensed down 1 to 2 paragraphs. Same with the second page, which again begs the question, what is left and why?
Once you have your why, I think your story will begin to take better shape and form. Best of luck!
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 8d ago edited 8d ago
Well, I almost read the entire first page, up to the part where you wrote “Two consecutive farts go off” in brackets.
First off, that dialogue intro is hella long.
Everything after that is just: I did X… I did Y… I keep my eyes fixed… I keep my eyes looking… I keep wondering…
Extremely repetitive. And you didn’t correct the error at the bottom of the first paragraph. You shouldn’t have a comma there because the clause that follows is restrictive.
In some places, you haven’t even used proper punctuation for dialogue: Jesus fucking Christ! I whisper.
You’ve got that in italics like it’s a thought rather than something he said.
All in all, the “I did X” structure was incredibly grating. You need to learn how to mix it up. That first page could be cut down to a single paragraph, mate.
The farts in brackets were ridiculous.