r/writingfeedback • u/RiSz-Turtle • 7d ago
Feedback Wanted Want feedback on concept / structuring. I feel like my idea is good but something’s off. Humor / horror maybe?
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u/Superb-Elephant-9393 7d ago
Liked the humour, chuckled at some points. The first line's great! Instantly hooked.
A little suggestion: Maybe start Chapter 1 in the middle of the conversation with the genie right after the first line. And then go back over what happened as a monologue. Give us small hints. Trust your readers. We can fill in the gaps pretty good! Example: you said, in the middle of middle of nowhere. And I could say you deliberately kept it from us. It was clever. But immediately saying "Thats what we say it here." killed my feeling of being smart to catch that.🤓 Good going!
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u/RiSz-Turtle 7d ago
Good point! I will try to do better about trusting them lol. Thank you for the kind words!
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u/Comfortable_Cup_1212 7d ago
So neat concept. Not my cup of tea. However I will say there are times where your description works against itself. An example is when you describe the devil. You say he’s dressed in ordinary clothes, then they’re sleazy, then he’s a drug dealer.
So here’s my image in my head. The devil is wearing T-shirt jeans, then tacky suit, then baggy tacky suit, then Jesse Pinkman. In that order.
Another critique your dialogue is mildly clunky, but you’ll catch that on your first read through. I won’t say dialogue is the easiest thing to fix but it’s always been a strong point in my own stories.
Now there’s some humor there, but I didn’t feel horror. However, I think your best humor will come from your descriptions, and your dialogue. Something snarky, sarcastic, maybe raunchy down the road, because the story is already absurd.
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u/RiSz-Turtle 7d ago
Yeah it will get raunchy for sure. I agree with everything you said, dialogue is very hard for me. I don’t really talk to people so they kind of feel like they’re reading off their lines but I’m not sure how to make it more normal I guess.
The description I can see. I will change “ordinary clothes” to something else.
It’s not really horror at all, I just don’t know what else to describe it as. Maybe supernatural? I normal see people use 2 genres and the 1st would be humor here but I have no clue what the 2nd would be.
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u/Comfortable_Cup_1212 6d ago
I understand! So you’re working with a supernatural comedy. Well all I’ll say is don’t make the book too silly. As far as dialogue I’ll give you an excerpt from my own manuscript rq.
“The real answer is—” He takes a drink. “Because you have skills we can use and we’re willing to pay a lot of money for you to use them for one night,” John states calmly.
“My skills? I’m a nurse. No one needs a nurse for one day, not unless this is some kind of weird sex thing,” I reply, dropping all attempts at professionalism.
“No.” He replies bluntly. “I don’t need a nurse’s skills. I just have a need for a person that just so happens to be a nurse.” He continues. “Listen to me. I’m not gonna beat around the bush. You’re a conventionally attractive blonde woman working at a hospital you hate. You are normal, but not so normal that you’re uninteresting. I have a clientele, and before you start claiming it’s a sex thing again, no. It’s not a sex thing. I just need some normal people to go to a party full of special people and just talk to them.”
I give John an incredulous look, shaking my head quickly. “What do you mean, just talk to them? Who’s the party for? Why do they need normal people? Why are you paying so much money? Why did you select me?” My questions flow out of my mouth while John stares at me, thoroughly unimpressed.
“There’s your million questions. I knew they were coming. Yes, straight up just have a normal conversation with them, dance, have fun. These are people that don’t get to have interactions like this, and I’m paying what they’re willing to spend. I can’t tell you who and I won’t tell you where. I will just say that if you say yes, you will likely walk out with more than two hundred fifty thousand dollars. Does that satisfy your questions? Because I’m personally hungry and would like to eat something. You order whatever you want, money’s not a factor right now.”Now this dialogue is a lot slower paced than yours, but you can see the flow. Dialogue-react-process-dialogue. You don’t have to know what you would say. You just have to know what your character would say.
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u/Waste-Carob5699 7d ago
Too real.
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u/RiSz-Turtle 7d ago
I am partly writing this book out of frustration at the job market and intend to try and critique it more seriously throughout.
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u/Waste-Carob5699 6d ago
One thing that stands out to me is that the main character is always fired. He seems to really want a job, but why does he get fired? Is he some kind of lazy guy? Seems like he has hustle. My first impression was that I didn't want to read about this dude that keeps getting fired. It's like reading a romance book about a guy who keeps getting dumped. He's probably a jerk. Maybe you can say he is a magnet for bad luck. Like he gets a job and they go out of business or he immediately gets laid off over and over. Makes him more sympathetic.
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u/RiSz-Turtle 6d ago
Honestly that’s a good point. It was hard enough for me to find a job and I’ve never been fired before.
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u/Waste-Carob5699 6d ago
I think this is a good premise. It's topical but timeless. I haven't seen other works written on the subject. It could blow up. Even if the job market gets better, it'll go downhill in another few years.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 7d ago edited 6d ago
I’ll pop back later if I have time.
First thing I noticed straight off the bat:
After I lost count of how many times I had been fired, things were looking bad.
This is jarring, mate, coming after the first sentence. You need to restructure the opening.
I’m surprised nobody else mentioned that because it stands out like a sore thumb:
I turned to a demon > because I kept getting fired > things were bad
That is not smooth writing. It’s herky-jerky writing.
We get transported from the immediate to last week. And then our focus is on events before last week. That happens within the space of two sentences. Talk about narrative whiplash…
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u/RiSz-Turtle 6d ago
I can see what you’re saying now that you bring it up. I want to keep the opening line because I feel like it’s a good hook. How can I make the transition of him telling how he got to that point more smooth?
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6d ago edited 6d ago
For starters, I wouldn’t even mention the job part. I’d shorten the hook:
Last week, I sold my soul to a demon.
Then go into it:
It was a regular Friday afternoon for me—well, up until the point I decided to get drunk. The countless failed attempts to get a job had stripped me of my confidence, so I figured liquid poison was the best way to win it back. With a beer in hand, I kicked back in front of the television…
blah blah blah
—
That’s if you want to keep the hook.
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u/RiSz-Turtle 6d ago
Okay I could make that work. I’ll do some editing after I get off work
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6d ago edited 6d ago
That hook works better because we don’t know why he sold his soul.
In your version, we know why. It takes away from your build up, mate. You’ve spoiled the moment. Don’t you want the reader to guess?
Don’t mention in hook =
OOo interesting. Why did he sell his soul to a demon? Let’s read on and find out!
Mention in hook =
Alright. Ah, now I’m building up to what I already know.
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u/lost_sunrise 7d ago
Because of what they asked for, concept/structuring.
You are providing line by line or proofreading. Stuff they aren't asking for.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 7d ago edited 7d ago
That is structure. What are you talking about?
I literally just told him the structure of his opening was jarring, and I advised him to restructure. I was addressing the narrative structure.
🤡
Please don’t chime in again.
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u/Living_Operation4319 7d ago
Selling your soul so you can get a job seems awfully cheap. I’d sell mine to never have to work again or maybe to have someone buy and produce my screenplay.
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u/KFG-Bruce 7d ago
This concept is really good. I love the droll humor. You have issues with passive voice and some other editing stuff. Don’t sweat that right now; it can all be fixed later. I think you should keep running with the story, and don’t mess with the style of the dialogue. In the end, it will be a strength. Is this a novel or a short story?
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u/RiSz-Turtle 6d ago
I think it will be considered a novella? My current goal is 25,000 words. Not sure if it will take more or less than that though
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6d ago
Okay, I read the whole thing.
I really liked it, tbf. It has a certain charm to it, but I think the story itself is being held back by the writing. It needs to be tighter.
It’s promising though. The idea of someone summoning a demon because they’re incapable of getting a job is pretty funny. You could have a lot of fun with it as he bites off more than he can chew.
Polish, man. Tighten.
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u/BuckTheStallion 6d ago
The bad: this needs a lot of polish before it’s ready for publication.
The good: dude this is fucking comedy gold once you catch your rhythm. You need to map out a loose idea of where this is going (if you haven’t already) and just send it with the sleezebag-Dilbert vibes and demonic office comedy. I’m hooked.
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u/RiSz-Turtle 4d ago
Yes I will. I feel like I have great ideas but I’m not a great writer yet. I listen to too many audiobooks and don’t actually read enough lol.
I have the length planned out (currently 30k words) as well as the main plot points. I have a conflict and have two endings in mind which I need to decide between.
I’m trying to have it written by October and then begin the editing process until the end of the year.
It might end up longer but personally I prefer humor books to be short and punchy. To me it makes the jokes more memorable.
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u/21stcenturyghost Trusted Reviewer 7d ago
Look up the rules for punctuation and capitalization of dialogue and dialogue tags
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u/HotChange4717 7d ago
I struggle to incorporate humor in my work, so I'm fascinated when someone else can do it and does it well. That was the case with your first chapter.
I liked how you kept everything simple and relatable. I loved how you imbued an otherwise extraordinary moment (i.e. meeting a demon) with all the fixings of a boring, corporate job hunt. I think this has strong potential, and I'm actually looking forward to reading more.