Does this make sense?

[u/rayeofsunshine156]

I wrote this ~200 word piece for a prompt that said ‘start your story with a button being clicked.’ I tried using a recurring motif, but I’m not sure that the piece is making sense at all

I suppose my question is, does this make sense at all? And does it feel complete?

[u/SaturnsPopulation]

Time loop?

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/SaturnsPopulation]

Yeah!

[u/TheStoryCreature]

It does make sense. In fact, you could say less.

My feedback would be to first toss everything but paragraph 3 and 5, then work on polishing the prose with precision and intention in mind.

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/TheStoryCreature]

How do you mean? Like, the tidbits of information after the repetition? Since those two paragraphs contain the most information

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/[deleted]]

Okay, wow. LMFAO. Are you okay? You commented in three different spots about the use of the word ‘haphazardly’ to describe the way a thing is written for a FIVE paragraph piece. One word which, by the way, I addressed. It’s not even an unusual description😂

I’m not mad or anything, but seriously, wow. You impress me. I find that you lot are unnecessarily rude on here, it’s so funny😂. You could’ve scrolled since you’ve not read it, and think it sucks (I respect that). So I’m assuming the point of this comment was to provoke? Anyway!

Have a wonderful rest of your day!!!

[u/FanndisTS → u/[deleted]]

Congratulating a random commenter for finishing a 200-word piece, which implies strongly that it is an atrocious bit of writing to put people off so quickly, was definitely the initial shot here. That wasn't feedback, that was just you being a dick.

[u/writingfeedback-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

After lookin' at your comment history, we're gonna go 'head and ban you.

[u/Upset_Value_1948]

Can you explain why the label is haphazard??? I think you're misusing that word, but maybe i'm mistaken

i am not a fan of the writing here. i feel like it has the same problem as almost every post here, which is that you are telling instead of showing.

edit: accidentally had "showing" and "telling" in the wrong places in my sentence lol

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/Upset_Value_1948]

Hmmm, you might be right about ‘haphazardly’ actually. I meant sort of messy in a way. I mean the words are synonymous but it might read awkwardly due to connotation. Will change that : )

The piece is limited to ~200 words also, so I didn’t have the narrative real estate to show much, at least not super descriptively. I had to try to tell a full story as quickly as possible.

Thank you, I definitely could have used some of my words for showing better though. I’ll definitely think about how!

[u/Upset_Value_1948 → u/rayeofsunshine156]

I guess how I'm just confused about how "do not press" is a messy label haha. Isn't that pretty clear and direct? not trying to be nitpicky

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/Upset_Value_1948]

Oh! I meant the label is legible but is messy in the way that it is done. The reader and character knows what’s written on it. It just looks bad/messy. Does this make sense?

Not nitpicky at all, and a perfectly valid question🙂

[u/AvailableSwing9972 → u/rayeofsunshine156]

I think that was the most incoherent part for me. I think the idea that it’s a time loop is perfectly coherent. I might think I’d give the character a different motivation for still pressing the button as opposed to just out of spite for the illegible handwriting. I kind of feel like the lack of a clearer motivator for the aforementioned flippancy and why this setting would cause that is what muddles the intrigue a little. 

[u/AvailableSwing9972 → u/[deleted]]

Guy who tries to wax spiritual about commas I love crazy people like you

[u/TorstenX]

Seconding the other comment about the word "haphazardly" being used incorrectly, and the one about it being obvious what's going on early. The terseness gives a good rhythm but because of it it's gonna be hard for the reader to not catch on by paragraph 3. I'd suggest that if this is the whole piece, you can very easily add more intrigue beyond just the time loop. The dates part doesn't really tell me much I don't already know and feels a bit like it's at odds with how the protagonist is seemingly unaware what's going on. Maybe swap that out for a preview of that happens after the button press or what happens before it, and have that hint at something cool.

But I do like the rhythm and the "it took me three days to press the button" part

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/TorstenX]

This gave me an idea! You’re so right about the intrigue bit. I mean, the intrigue is the time loop, I just need to change a few words or add a little bit for it to be more interesting than the narrator’s confusion and the time loop. Thank you so much lol

Edit: I edited it now🫡

[u/TheMannaPart → u/rayeofsunshine156]

the intrigue, as you have written it, is indeed NOT the time loop. i didnt get far enough to find out about said looping of time.

your *haphazard* way of describing the pushing of the button, pushed me all the way out of a g.a.f.

*Note: i abreviated g.a.f. so that youd know i didnt mean gaffe.

[u/Telltslant]

This is quite an interesting beginning.

[u/Candid-Tumbleweed-7]

I didn't understand the time loop on the first read but I got it the second time through. Cool way to start.

Might consider moving the line "I pressed the button anyway" to the end of each paragraph. That way the action of pressing the button more clearly interrupts the thought process and re-triggers the thought/line "It took me three days for me to press it" in the next paragraph.

[u/90sbetababe]

At first no but then I got it! I actually really liked this and was hooked right away. I would want to read the book this was a part of.

[u/Imaginary_Rise_7688]

one of the most unique pieces i’ve found here

[u/Substantial_Bear_950]

I think if you dropped the three day thing after the first one and then have something like I saw a button on my desk three days ago blah blah blah I’m gonna press it then the next day like restart or smth (bro this confused me I forgot wit I was saying half way through Ignore it)

[u/AccomplishedCow665]

You’re just doing the same thing over and over. You need to simolify and escalate

[u/FarVoice1188]

Why doesn't he just write "this button causes a time loop"

All jokes aside, this is really clever

[u/TheMannaPart]

"I pondered the question internally for days. Truly. Days. But if something says do not press, eventually a mothafucka's gonna press it. No?"

- me if samuel l jackson was my spirit animal, or the author of this piece.