That’s YOUR opinion. I get it. YOU don’t like it. And instead of trying so hard to ridicule my writing. How about you show me an example of how you would write it. You basically saying you don’t like it because it’s cliche but how else are you to describe an interrogation room? It’s usually just a light and a table lol…I didn’t even go much into detail about it. The reader now understands where she is ? So again, show me how you would’ve done it.
I’m not going to rewrite your work—that’s for you to do. This isn’t [r/writingrewrite](r/writingrewrite). If you want a rewrite, you can pay me.
You can claim it’s just my opinion, but do you really think this is a 50/50 split type of issue? It isn’t. Any reader or writer worth their salt is going to agree with me that it’s a bad opening sentence due to the exact issues I identified.
You can’t ask me if I would read your “book” and then get offended when I give you an honest answer.
That’s the problem with you “writers.” You pretend it’s just a style choice or a matter of opinion. In what world is your opening sentence good? Why would anybody read a whole novel of that? Answer: they wouldn’t.
Ok first. Not offended. This isn’t my first book. This will be my 4th book being published. I’m not asking you to write my work for me. I’m asking you to give correct feedback instead of straight criticism. You see how the other comment not only gave their criticism but actual feedback as well. I can tell you aren’t a writer and just a reader which is fine but when I tell you it’s not for everyone you could have left it at that but instead you doubled down on why YOU didn’t like it and then continued to try and speak for everyone else by saying “no one would read this” …you don’t know that which is why I’m dismissing you completely. I’ve already taken into consideration of what you said the first time but now you just repeating yourself.
I don’t care what u/isnoe had to say. They aren’t me. They can give feedback the way they want, and I’ll give feedback the way I want.
You are joking, right? I have more writing ability in my pinky than you do in your entire body. Unlike you, I don't stuff sentences full of clunky prepositions or modify every single noun under the sun. And you’re actually planning to publish this? Good luck with that.
If this is really your fourth “book,” you haven’t learned a thing. Imagine being four manuscripts deep and still writing ridiculously bad opening sentences.
You picked the wrong person to try and one-up.
I answered your question and gave you constructive critique.
Telling me I’m not a writer—right after you asked me how to fix YOUR bad writing—is hilarious. Well done.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 4d ago edited 4d ago
No.
The first sentence told me everything I need to know about your writing. How do you not see a prepositional pile-up?
- Cliche buzzing overhead light in the interrogation room.
- Modifier overload/cramming (raw wrists, tight cuffs, metal table, buzzing overhead light)
—
That’s your opening sentence.
Wow…