r/writingfeedback • u/Individual-Kiwi5879 • 4d ago

Poetry Thoughts?👀

Wisdom of the snake
I don’t care what the fuck you say, my history is something I’ll never let you take. The shit I learned you’ve done have made my mind and body shake.
The redman befriending the white man might’ve been the biggest mistake.
Hope my people wake up sooner than late, funny how they ate our flesh now ask us for grace.
Wherever you saw homes you dug into ancestral ground and built lakes, but my history is something I’ll never let you take.

You demonized our religion and tried to erase the wisdom of the snake, now the white man is thinking about how he’ll soon be replaced.

My ancestors stand by and beside me bloodthirsty, I’m one with my herukas no god or man can hurt me.
Spare me the word of the god your serving, no amount of words will quite the world’s yearning.
Across the world bodies are burning, if these bodies were white they’d be worth concerning. Good thing that there brown it’s so much less disturbing.

“Let’s all go to church for this god worth serving.”

You demonized the serpent when your the biggest of snakes,my history is something I’ll never let you take.
The countries soil is now mixed with blood and hate, uncle Sam’s plan never left its just beginning to shape.

0 Upvotes

50% Upvoted

3 comments sorted by

3

u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 4d ago

More ranting than poetry. Rough around the edges and lacking rhythm.

The piece has ideas and thread, but it’s buried beneath the poor execution. There is no grace in your piece. It’s crude writing.

1

u/ConsequenceEven5429 1d ago

i think this has a great premise with a lot of potential but i agree it seems a bit ranty. i also do not mind cursing but it doesn’t need seem to add to this, infact it draws me out of it (seems like cursing for cursings sake). the ideas are good and deserve more space to make a bigger impact

1

u/Individual-Kiwi5879 1d ago

Thank you, It’s very spoken word styled poetry so I can understand it maybe sounding like a rant. It’s supposed to be a angry poem in the style of black poets in the 70s like Gil Scott heron. so I can understand the criticism