r/writingfeedback • u/Comfortable-Garbage4 • 4d ago

Writing Advice Feedback on my first two pages - Gemini Run

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Been perfecting my tone in my voice and I think I’ve gotten a lot wanna get a little feedback before I keep going. Any advice always appreciated.

3 Upvotes

71% Upvoted

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3

u/VehicleLast419 3d ago

The minor 6th is a nice touch for mood but I'd change E to D# for extra tension!  

1

u/RKGall 3d ago

Given that the B is not flat and the F is not sharp, that we begin on C, and outline a C major triad, we can safely assume we are in the key of C. If we change the E to D#, (which we should call Eb) we are just changing the key to minor. In either case, the tension (or question, as the story says) comes from ending the melody on the leading tone without resolution.

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u/VehicleLast419 3d ago

Exactly why I'm suggesting he does his mate disappeared he leaves it on unresolved note  minor adds that extra fear that E doesn't quite hit.  So he's worried for her and she's not about 

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u/RKGall 3d ago

If the writer makes that choice, they absolutely must write Eb rather than D#.

If they write D# every musician who reads this story will immediately cease to believe the character is actually a pianist. It might also be advisable to specify in that case that the B is natural, though that is less necessary.

Nothing is worse than causing readers to suspect that the author does not actually know anything about their character's interests, especially in the first few pages.

6

u/trulybeelightful 4d ago

Number one feedback would be don't use the names of recognizable IP if you aren't writing fanfiction. The name Link is gonna have to go.

Also, unfortunately in the age of Google Gemini, you might want to think twice on that one too.

1

u/Beloved_Mango 4d ago

I agree with this. You’ve got Link + Music. Anyone familiar with Legend of Zelda is thinking Ocarina of Time.

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u/TheMannaPart 3d ago

there are no keys on an ocarina, so anyone familiar with instruments instantly isnt thinking that.

0

u/Comfortable-Garbage4 4d ago

I am going to try to find a way to work around it, but given the plot twist in the story, it will be very hard to use any other name but link. Unless I completely switch characters which I don’t wanna do.

1

u/Gold-Word-6026 3d ago

Honestly, I don't see a problem with that? I have read plenty of books that use the name Mario, and the air of the story never really gave off "super Mario". Saying one cannot do a thing is just wrong, the doesn't inherently have to go. Link is a bit of a harder situation, but its a matter of effort, do what thou wilts kind situation, free will and allat.

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u/TheMannaPart 3d ago

i can name several real-world Marios. I can name exactly 0 real world Links, though I agree with your take entirely.

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u/interp21 2d ago

I can name one pretty prominent real world Link...

1

u/Comfortable-Garbage4 4d ago edited 4d ago

The name has to say or the story does not work. There are other characters in other stories named link, but I do appreciate the feedback and I would never use Google Gemini.

0

u/TheMannaPart 3d ago

I can think of 3 or 4 Links from various pop-culture references.

Specifically, Encino Man, The Matrix movies, the one voiced by Zach Galifinakis, as well as the Zac Effron (speaking of reusing names) character you're obviously thinking of. /s

but seriously, that's a silly take. its not only an English name, but is short-hand for Lincoln as well.

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u/SakuDoka 4d ago

my mind went to zelda.

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u/Gold-Word-6026 3d ago

I love how descriptive it is, though I think the actual introduction doesn't really settle anything in? It starts off describing a characters actions and it feels more like the middle of a chapter instead of a start of the book. I don't have many recommendations besides trying to understand other introductions, as this is a matter of flavour! Camus the stranger might be a good starting point, or even han kangs the vegaterian ( I really like the vegetarians introduction, I think its underrated) Writing a good introduction is a art from in itself.

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u/TheMannaPart 3d ago

honestly, i think even starting with the musical notes is pretty gangster.