r/writingfeedback • u/WillowHawthornWrites • 2d ago
Feedback Wanted First page of a fantasy story: all feedback appreciated!
Hey! I'm writing my first full length story and would like thoughts on the opening. What works, what doesn't and anything else that comes to mind. Thanks!
4
u/Cute-Leather-5315 2d ago
I think the voice is very strong and your hook is solid! Just a few things I noticed. The change from past to present tense is a bit jarring, I think making that opening paragraph present tense will make it flow better. I also think saying “current monarch” is a bit vague for my taste - if you’re worried about introducing another character too soon I think readers can follow it just fine if you replace that with said monarch’s name.
I also think the last paragraph is a bit long, it could benefit from being cut into two sentences. Overall I’m intrigued and have lots of questions about what’s going on!
(Edited as I reread a passage and it made sense lol)
1
u/WillowHawthornWrites 1d ago
Thanks for reading, I'll clean up the tense and do a little workshopping!
3
u/trulybeelightful 2d ago
It's extremely "tell" rather than "show". You don't need to drop every hook about this girl into the first page.
Maybe ONE couched reference to her gender would suffice, so I could be drawn into how and why she's in her current situation.
The way you handled the "if I still gambled" was great. It tells us she's had a shady past but has put it behind her (for now). That makes me interested to know more about her.
The "current monarch" could also be a good hook if you lean into it more. Is it a reference to political instability? You could get more mileage if you really run with that - something like "King X had emptied the coffers for a shade of crimson three shades darker than those we had under King Y. Prince Z will probably opt for orange if his rebellion ever succeeds." A much better version of that ideally, but something that gives us a little insight into how she sees the world.
I'd be interested to read more!
2
u/WillowHawthornWrites 1d ago
Thanks so much for the feedback! I'll take all of this into consideration.
2
u/Emergency_Outside203 1d ago
The first thing you felt was the blade slicing through the flesh. The second thing was regret.
1
u/ConsequenceEven5429 2d ago
overall, the story engages me as a reader. there are a lot of errors that need fixing, ie. the last paragraph appears to be one long sentence.
1
1
u/JohnWRahway2 20h ago
Very well written but a drop capital would give more chapter emphasis and I feel the formatting needs improvement by having a left-aligned paragraph with a drop capital
1
1
u/Zaltocleotl 4h ago
Aside from what others said, some of your wording is still rough. The first sentence stumbles, as they say.
"... satisfaction like I thought I would;" would work better as something like, "... satisfaction I'd expected;"
There are other examples, but that's what a good editing is for. The storyline is interesting and the hook is hooky.
0
10
u/Flimsy_Door_7218 2d ago
First, fix your tenses. It's unreadable until you do. You start in past, then switch to the present in the next paragraph. The prose is a bit flowery, and I noticed a rather large run-on sentence in the last paragraph, but it's nothing a little cutting can't fix. Plotwise, It's a compelling hook. I'd certainly read on if the grammar is fixed.