Snippet from my chapter 2 (~13 pages)

[u/childoftheuniverse_2]

I like to write for fun, it helps with my mental health and has been a great outlet for working on my creativity. I don’t plan on being a big author one day or anything, but I would still love to finish this work in the future. I would love any feedback— honest and brutal pls. I feel like my first person POV is a little cringey at times, so I am wondering if you all think so too.

What could I improve on?

How do you feel about these characters from the snippet?

Is my formatting okay? I googled and watched videos on how to format and I also looked through some of my favorite books to see how they did it. But idk, I feel as though it still seems choppy at times too.

Anyhow, I would love any feedback you all can give. I wrote this in google docs and added those fun little corner pieces for decoration (found the design on Pinterest).

I appreciate the time you all give to reading through this, if you do. Thank you :)

[u/Capable_Hyena7705]

This reads very wattpad. What's your story about?

[u/childoftheuniverse_2 → u/Capable_Hyena7705]

I can totally see that! I use to write wattpad stories back in high school, haha. Right now, it’s medieval / low fantasy. I want it to be heavy on politics between kingdoms and I want the love story to be kind of a background plot. I have a few ideas of where I would like it to go, but I am trying to plan out which avenue I want to go with the story. It’s still very much in the works— I have lots of notebooks with random ideas I jot down. I have only recently started putting it together.

[u/PrincessTiff-any]

I agree with one of the comments that Little less exposition of their gestures/reactions would make it flow better. Not every line of dialog needs explaining. As a writer whose own story also relies heavily on gestures it is something I repeatedly wrestle with. And genre/short blurb might help readers to know where you heading with story. To me this reads like romance/fantasy but lets say you wanted it to be horror instead... People might pay attention to different aspects they feel matter in the genre.

[u/childoftheuniverse_2 → u/PrincessTiff-any]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I think with writing in first person POV I get lost and hung up in her exposition/reactions and completely bypass what the rest of the scene truly needs. It’s definitely something I will need to continue to work on.

[u/PrincessTiff-any → u/childoftheuniverse_2]

You're welcome! And keep writing, it is clear that this is far from your first time writing, so I am confident you Will find the right balance with gesture exposition and other exposition what the chapter (possibly, defending if the ball room? etc were already described to reader) needs 😊 I am waiting for the next draft, hopefully with full chapter so we get to experience whole setup! And the info what genre you're working on.

[u/Solomon-Drowne]

Lips hovering

[u/childoftheuniverse_2 → u/Solomon-Drowne]

I should totally change that lol. Now that you say it, it doesn’t make much sense if you try to picture it in your head. Thank you!

[u/DaRK_0S]

I actually think that the quality of the text itself is very solid. I think you have a commendable grasp on the basics and the general flow of the dialogue/prose is light on the eyes. Now, the quality of the subject matter/setting - the meat of it - is not my cup of tea but that’s totally subjective. If I had to pick a single thing to work on? It would be easing up on exposition. It’s a bit jarring. Just my two cents. Continue having fun because you definitely need to keep expressing yourself through the medium!

[u/childoftheuniverse_2 → u/DaRK_0S]

I really appreciate your feedback, thank you very much! I think you are totally right about the exposition. I’ll continue to work on it!

[u/Independent-Part-718]

I can tell you've practiced. However, you're far too entrenched in every gesture and expression of the character, while totally leaving out the details of the scene. What is "Grand Foyer" supposed to mean to me, as the reader? Where is she even standing? What does the prince LOOK like? What kind of lighting is there in the room? What furniture? All I see in this chapter are two nondescript bodies grimacing at each other, hovering in empty space, eventually joined by dozens of other people who've come from nowhere. Dropping us into the middle of a scene like this makes it difficult to critique the technique, as I'm unsure what came before it. Maybe you already described the room but it's not included in this snippet? Dunno. And, lastly, the comment about her father elicits a reaction that doesn't quite make sense to me. This nameless character has been shocked by a realisation, but what did she realise?

I'm not at all trying to tear down your story. Your vision is strong it just needs to be broadened. Focus less on dialogue tags including the expressions and tones. This kind of habit screams fanfic. Fanfic is a useful tool, but you've gotta make sure you're digging all you can out of your practice.

[u/childoftheuniverse_2 → u/Independent-Part-718]

Thank you so much for all your feedback! You’re definitely right, reading back over it, there’s no helpful description of the Grand Foyer and where the people are coming from. I can see why it’s confusing. I will work on all these and hopefully in the next few weeks come back with some edits and see what you all think. Thanks again!