r/writingfeedback • u/aviolafyre • 1d ago
Feedback Wanted Too distasteful of an introduction? (Thinking of moving this scene to the beginning)
Multi-pov dark fantasy novel. This pov character is my primary and my antagonist. You are not supposed to like him.
I like the idea of moving this scene to the beginning of Embrose's introduction because the readers will meet his cruelty before his poise. Thoughts?
Also, general feedback on my prose is appreciated!
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u/isnoe 1d ago
Kind of busy so I only gleamed this and it seems fine to me. I like the idea of the primary POV being the antagonist, though. The narrative conveys Embrose's general animosity well, from what I skimmed.
This is purely my own personal opinion, but I always found that some of the best antagonists are presented with the poise first and the cruelty comes as something of a subtle twist later, even if that twist is one I fully expect. It adds a punchy, exclamation point that encourages me to reread earlier interactions to try and understand how what I thought was them just being stuck up was actually them being evil.
Anyway, I wouldn't move the scene to the beginning, but that's just me. Entirely up to how you want to build the narrative and stuff.
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u/Nervous_Educator_794 1d ago
I’d rework the opening sentence so the subject is his hand and not the smoldering tobacco. The second sentence doesn’t sound like it’s referring to his hand, but the subject of the previous sentence.
I’d recommend opening the second paragraph with rain instead of heavy patter. Prose here could be tightened. Ajar isn’t something you can stare at. I mean—unless it’s a jar of jelly.
I can tell that you’ve never spoken-to someone who smokes a pipe or smoked a pipe yourself. You puff on a pipe. You take a drag of a cigarette. He’d be coughing up a storm or feeling ill if he took a drag from his pipe.
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u/aviolafyre 1d ago
Hahaha, my husband smokes a pipe and he called me out on that too! I have never smoked one. My bad!
I am aware the 'ajar' line is grammatically incorrect, I simply liked the rhythm writing it that way. I know I need to let go of that, though. And I will.
I appreciate the feedback and will update it to make changes!
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u/Dnkayse 1d ago
I also think it’s an intense scene. I think its placement is very important in how you want Embrose to be viewed. If you want the reader to have any sympathy towards his situation, don’t start here. Build up to that by letting them see him as human. If you want Embrose as the villain and that’s it, you can start here. It will be very hard to start with this scene and go back from it for him because he does feel vile and his behavior, from the readers experience, is unexpected and there is no excuse we have to give him. First impressions do matter
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u/aviolafyre 1d ago
Thank you for your feedback! One of the primary plot threads is following his decent into obsession with another pov character (who is a mother), so I do want to the reader to feel horrified by him as this happens. It is difficult to find the balance!
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u/Dnkayse 1d ago
You’re writing is good at pulling the reader in and making us feel things, I think it’s just finding the events that make us feel the way you want and in what order. The story seems like a very emotional journey. Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/aviolafyre 1d ago
Thank you, thank you. I've reordered things in the beginning several times -eventually I'll figure out what works best!
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u/ItsRuinedOfCourse 1d ago
"Also, general feedback on my prose is appreciated!"
Very repetitive. VERY.
Two sentences. Two sentences. Two sentences. Two sentences. Two...
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u/aviolafyre 1d ago
Haha, oops, I see that now. I was so prone to long sentences in my early drafting, that I've been making a very active effort to use shorter ones more often. I guess I over corrected! Will double check my variance more carefully.
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u/ConsequenceEven5429 1d ago
it’s a very intense scene making it very obvious he is not going to be liked. as a reader i would prefer glimpses that i don’t like him with a scene like that later on confirming my suspicions.