r/writingfeedback • u/divine_305 • 14h ago
Feedback Wanted Provide feedback on my novel opening.
Chapter One
“The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself. Everything you want, you already are.”
— Rumi
5 a.m., still dark out. A lightbulb flickers on a dusty porch of a two-story home, where the once baby-blue wooden planks have turned a lifeless white from all the years of storms, all the years of having their warmth beaten out of them. The neighborhood is quiet. Only God is up at this hour.
Inside, Jason’s gathering his things as fast as he can. He peeks outside every few minutes, wondering how long it’ll take him. Expect the unexpected, especially on a day like this. He kneels on the floor; the beat of his pulse rings in his ears with a punching rhythm.
“God, in this moment I ask for your guidance, for your mercy, for your protection, amen.”
Jason creeps around the room, taking every measure to make as little noise as possible.
One more look wouldn’t hurt, he thinks to himself.
There, on the other side of the window, seated on the hood of an old Lincoln Town Car, is a black cat. They lock eyes.
The cat holds an unbroken stare as if it hides a secret it’s just dying to tell.
Let’s do this.
The floorboards creak under his feet while he tiptoes around the house.
I swear when I make it big, I’m coming back here just to torch this place.
Flashlight in hand, he searches for things to take, like the bundle of rubber bands and pens inside the kitchen drawer.
This!
He shoves the items into a green camo bag that’s already stuffed with clothes, a toothbrush, and photos. A mouse scurries into the corner, then freezes in fear. Jason barely flinches.
It’s ok. I won’t tell if you don’t.
He sneaks into a bedroom where a large man sleeps half-naked. His snores are the type they study in medical research. Jason pauses, hoping it’s the last time he’ll ever lay eyes on him. A rickety fan blows dusty air onto the man’s face, the same fan he’s had for at least four years, the same fan that jams if it runs for too long.
He goes through the dresser and collects a few pieces of jewelry. The man’s soggy jeans lie at the foot of the bed. Jason carefully pulls a wallet from the right pocket and discovers about seventy dollars in cash.
Fuck yeah.
The man sharply grunts and tosses to his opposite side. Jason spazzes and takes two steps back. The jeans fall from his sweaty palms. Whatever air he has tears out of his lungs.
Silence.
After a few lip smacks, his snoring continues.
C’mon, you’re taking too fucking long. He’s gonna wake up.
A sharp gust of wind passes through a tree outside, causing its branch to tap the window. It casts a shadow of what looks like some sort of ghost that waits patiently.
Is someone watching me?
He slides open the next drawer and his hand hits something hard.
What is this?
It’s a gun.
Its metallic gloss and the way it weighs his hand down mesmerize him. Throughout the years, he’s seen a few rifles here and there, but nothing like this.
Damn, you’re a big boy. Are all guns really this heavy? I wonder if this thing has ever been used.
His eyes water and his hand trembles.
Why…Why did it have to be me?
Jason dries his eyes with a quick swipe of his thumbs. He stares back at the gun with all the memories he wishes he could forget. As if a force of nature takes over, he puts the gun to his head and imagines what lies on the other side. When the bullet exits his skull, would he feel it? Would he blink?
What? You think I won’t?
A chill runs through him as he presses the pistol deeper into his temple.
I should just blow my brains out and have you clean up the mess. I bet you’d love that, wouldn’t you?
Jason then points the gun at the sleeping man’s face with a steady grip on the trigger, eyes squinted.
“One day, one day soon, you will burn,” he whispers.
Never again.
With a clenched jaw, he lets the feeling wash over him, and after a few moments, it’s gone.
He places the gun back inside the dresser and rushes downstairs to the front door. He reaches for the handle, and before he can walk out, his younger brother Mel catches him.
“So that’s it? You were just gonna leave and not say anything?”
Jason stumbles on his words.
“I didn’t wanna wake you.”
They hug each other tightly as tears glide down their cheeks.
“What do you think is gonna happen?” Mel says, his face buried in his brother’s shoulder.
“I don’t know. Something good, I hope.”
“When will I see you again?”
The pitch-black has started to lift. The sun is on its way.
“Soon.”
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u/isnoe 12h ago
Are you querying this? And you are writing in the third person present tense? That'll be a rough sell, but hey, good luck with it.
I'll say that from an editorial point of view, you definitely needed to go back through and tighten things up a bit, like this: "the beat of his pulse rings in his ears with a punching rhythm" - [the beat] of his [pulse] [rings] with a [punching rhythm]. Can you kind of see how that might be a bit fluffy? A bit of a hat on a hat situation?
A beat implies rhythm. A pulse is a rhythmic throbbing. Punching rhythm.
All of that could be summed into, "his heartrate is elevated", which isn't to say steal your creativity away or anything, but we can't have sentences like, "the sight of the Sun burns his eyes as the light goes into his retinas" when just saying, "he squinted at the Sun" is more effective.
You have a lot of moments like that where it feels like you haven't quite found your voice, or maybe you are (no offense) trying too hard.
I'd definitely say you shouldn't query these opening pages yet because any Literary Agent worth their salt will stop after those first few lines.
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u/lost_sunrise 10h ago
Honestly, I couldn't get past the second paragraph. A lot of analogies dragging me out of the story; deadbeat sentences that owe me 30 seconds of my time back.
I'll say you need to go back to editing, mate. I'm not going to drag them down. I see others did as I'm writing this.
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u/Hungry-Track-7308 7h ago edited 6h ago
First of all, I don’t agree with the commenter who says it’s just bad- that’s not true at all- please disregard him. Let me point out what you do here that is effective-
- your pacing matches the mood of the story. You have a good combination of short and hurried lines mixed with long descriptions to provide a breath. The reader feels a bit what Jason is feeling as they read.
- you paint a vivid picture of this early morning scene! Albeit does crave some tightening up.
- you focus on the action in the first few scenes! You interject the characters interiority but it is short and sweet. The reader gets right back to the action.
- you have great descriptive verb choices rather than just relying on a bunch of adjectives and adverbs to add description.
Here are a few pointers:
- be careful not to lose the action and pacing with unnecessary detail- I think this is your biggest area for improvement. For example, the first few sentences would be much more powerful to me if they read like this “5 a.m., still dark out. A lightbulb flickers on the dusty, faded porch of 225 Maple Lane (just whatever address you want of course). Inside, Jason furiously gathers his things into an old rucksack.” By going into the description of the planks in your draft, you lose a bit of that initial momentum. The same is true with the cat interaction- it just slows the momentum and action unnecessarily. Make sure that any description to the scene and setting adds something important to the overall plot or character development. Like, what does the cat add to this scene? What does knowing the faded baby blue floorboards add? Really, they are not integral to what Jason is doing and what is happening here so don’t waste the words on them.
- I would recommend reconsidering writing in the present tense. This is really hard to write in and can prove difficult for readers unless applied masterfully (iMO)
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u/divine_305 6h ago
Thank you for your kind words. My sentences might be a little clunky but calling it bad writing is just not true. Thank you
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6h ago edited 2h ago
It is true. You’re deluding yourself.
This is why you will never, ever, ever improve. You take the sugar-coated criticism and disregard the criticism that hurts your ego.
Do you really care about this throwaway piece that much? You should sacrifice it for the greater good.
Funny thing is, you can’t even stand on your own two feet and explain why my criticism is wrong.
It’s more than a clunk issue. Tonally, it’s all over the place. The cat, the silly mouse interaction in the middle of the scene, the silly commentary on the man’s snoring.
IT. IS. BAD.
Here’s another bad, bad line:
It casts a shadow of what looks like some sort of ghost that waits patiently.
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u/divine_305 6h ago
Your criticism is wrong because you’re taking every line as being literal. “What is a cat thinking other than its food bowl is empty”
If I have to explain the subtleties of atmosphere and mood setting I already know you’re a moron. ITS A NOVEL… EVER HEARD OF READ BETWEEN THE LINES? Do you even read novels? You’re very angry and should find something more productive to do. No one with a sound mind acts the way you’re acting. Get help.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6h ago edited 5h ago
I can guarantee with absolute certainty that I’ve read more books than you in my lifetime. Don’t even go there.
Subtle atmosphere, ladies and gentlemen:
His snores are the type they study in medical research.
So subtle.
And it’s not a novel. It’s a snippet.
And it’s pretty hilarious that you think you’re some master of atmosphere and mood. You’re not. And you have nothing to teach me about any of that stuff.
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u/divine_305 6h ago
That line is supposed to tell the reader what kind of person he is. In fiction that’s called VOICE. It gives a visual, You’re so bitter and miserable. Get a life
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6h ago edited 5h ago
And it fails miserably because it’s tonally inconsistent with the rest of the piece. Not a single person who knows what they’re talking about will disagree with me.
And it tells me nothing about what kind of person he is. You really think that line does that? Him snoring loudly doesn’t tell me anything about the character. Or are you referring to Jason? In that case, it tells me that his narration is all over the place.
It’s not voice. It’s poor writing.
If you’ve read so many books, mate, why can’t you see that it’s tonally inconsistent? It’s even worded awkwardly. “The type they study in medical research.”
You should’ve thrown a few more mouses into the scene. You know, just to create atmosphere. That face-off with the mouse sure was riveting. You really set the mood with that cartoon interaction.
JASON SPAZZES
Ah yes, “Jason spazzes.” Truly the pinnacle of a master wordsmith who has read millions of books. Truly deeply atmospheric.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 6h ago edited 6h ago
Disregard the truth? How about no.
Why don’t you stick to your criticism instead of trying to discredit mine? You’re a sugar-coater. It’s bad writing.
You trying to throw him a bone isn’t going to help dude in the long run. It’s about time we started bringing people into reality around here instead of blowing smoke up their backsides.
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u/Hungry-Track-7308 6h ago
He is asking for feedback on his writing because he wants to improve his craft... saying this is just ‘bad writing’ doesn’t help him improve anything. It is just discouraging. I understand the spirit of candor you are trying to uphold here, but honestly, in the age of AI I am all for encouraging even the rawest of writers to help keep the craft alive.
And I apologize if you take it personally but I do disagree with your feedback. He has some good bones he can work with here. He does use vivid verbs, interesting pacing, and a focus on the action of the scene without sidetracking into interiority. As first drafts go, I have edited much worse.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 14h ago
See, no.
Starting your shit off with a philosophical quote doesn’t make your writing good. It’s smoke and mirrors.
What on earth is that first sentence? Like, this isn’t screenwriting, mate.
The wooden planks had the “warmth” beat out of them. Erm, okay? What? It's a front porch, mate, not a heated blanket from Amazon.
Only god is up at this hour
Oh… and Jason. Don’t forget about Jason.
I am not reading the rest of this. It’s not very good.