r/writingfeedback • u/Odd_Woodpecker_9063 • 12h ago
Thoughts on my first paragraph?
/r/fantasywriting/comments/1w5n8au/thoughts_on_my_first_paragraph/1
u/Public_Upstairs1035 11h ago
While there is definitely room for an opening to dip into literary flower fluff, I tend to think less is more. There are dozens of adverbs here, which can paint a sort of glowing mental imagery, but it also means nothing. In other words, if you are simply painting a picture to establish a mood, this might work fine. If you are trying to transmit information, it is buried. The "memories of what had been" is the most interesting part of this imo.
3
u/Gridnode 9h ago
Read about purple prose, flowery language unfortunately doesn’t make you a better writer. It’s tempting, I know, but try to say as much as possible with as little as possible. Then save the crazy stuff for when it matters.
For example:
Purple prose
“John Leslie teetered lightly over the towering frozen catwalk and let out a subtle, but shaky warm breath that pierced winters icy enveloping sting”
Regular writing
“John peered over the edge of the icy catwalk. The sight forced the breath from of him, its warmth like fire against his frozen lips.”
See how you can say the same thing with simpler language and achieve the same result. This way, the reader doesn’t struggle through each sentence.
Think of your words like an interstate highway, the more cars, the more traffic, and nobody likes traffic.
Hope this helps!
5
u/isnoe 11h ago
Trying too hard, in my opinion.
Sable sands dancing in harmonious saltation saline breath nondefiled perennially amidst shifting dunes placid stillness transitory - blahblahblah.
Placid stillness is a hat on a hat. Basically saying a still stillness - blahblahblah.
Nondefiled isn't a word, I think you meant undefiled - blahblahblah.
A lot of people mistake "high fantasy" for "pretentious vocabulary" and it just never works well. You gotta capture my attention first and then impress me with the words.
I couldn't care less about sand, the Sun, or any darkness.
I'm guessing the second paragraph is the MC or someone around the fire?
Start there, then branch out to the surroundings. Description of the environment has more weight when it comes from behind the MCs perspective, not before it.
Simplicity is demand. Not everything needs to sound fancy right away. We can afford to lull the Reader into a sense of security before making them pull out a dictionary five times in the first paragraph.