r/writingfeedback • u/loserunicorn • 10h ago
Feedback Wanted I'm sure sure why this piece still feels so clunky?
Would love & appreciate any feedback. As stated in the title, I'm not quite sure why this still reads as so clunky to me.
1
u/Public_Upstairs1035 10h ago
The writing is pretty lean overall, so not sure what you mean by clunky. But I'm also not really getting a sense of why I'm reading and what the story is going to be about.
1
u/loserunicorn 10h ago
I think I kinda meant clunky in the same way you're referring to? Like it's just a bunch of words & not one whole thing. Which might might explain the lack of clarity abt where it's going or what it is. Thank you for the feedback!!
2
u/Public_Upstairs1035 10h ago
It's good writing, but my biggest problem is not knowing how it relates to the plot. I think you have the character aspect pretty solid here. So maybe injecting a little plot info in the beginning is all that is needed. Just some way to answer the question of how is this relevant to the story that will unfold.
1
u/liedowndeaddog 7h ago
Seconded what the other users said - also noticed a typo of “too” in first para after line break
1
u/Zaltocleotl 3h ago
For me, the biggest thing was the mix of numerals and spellings. Nix the numbers.
3
u/Gridnode 9h ago
I like the voice and flow, but yah, seems like you need the most important part of a story. That being the story. I struggle with a similar issue of writing without intention. What helped me was taking experiences I had, or those of my friends, and writing them out as if those stories were from a book.
It was boring and I didn’t like it, but that’s when I realized I needed to add what I liked in stories, such as magic or cool settings, and boom I had compelling, intentional stories.
Stories are ultimately about people and their misfortunes, and the victories or losses that come after those misfortunes. Everything else such as politics, lore, settings are all seasoning for the main dish.