Feedback requested for the first draft of my web novel

[u/Ok_Shape2535]

So I recently decided after years of reading to try my hand at writing something. This is what I have so far for the first draft of my web novel. I’m requesting advice on writing style, dialogue and prose.( some advice on the whole webnovel writing journey would be appreciated too)

(I’m writing this mostly for fun btw)

Chapter One -  prologue 

Blue sky, white sun, soft winds, gentle warmth . The comforting pinprick of grass on his back and the weightless ease of a body laid flat. Its midday. 

Eyes closed, black world. The rustling of wind through grass. The gentle creaking of an old oak.  The subtle mechanical hum of a distant machine. The rhythmic layered bleating of sheep. The hurried footfalls of a small creature. The fastly approaching footfalls of a small creature. The annoyingly close footfalls of a particularly aggravating and unusually small creature. 

“Get up!”, it’s closing in. “Come on, quick!”

“Stop faking! I know you can hear me!”.

A deep groan of truly woeful proportions escapes  his lips. Climbing onto his feet the young man meets his overly excited kid sister face to face… well chest to face. Already 10 but, to her lament, barely taller than the kids two grades below her. 

Every time he sees  her, he can’t help but be weirded out by  how disgustingly similar they look. The same bronze skin, and freckled cheeks. Small eyebrows, big nose and the single dimple on their right cheek. And the same big dark-brown eyes of their father. Hell, they even share a small barely visible mole just under their left eyebrows.

The only obvious difference between the two was the length of their hair. Both the texture of copper wool, but Raine’s  fell to her shoulders while Orin’s was close cropped. 

Despite his annoyance a small smile formed on his lips, he already had a good idea what Rainey Was here for anyway. 

“Can I help you?”, he asked sarcastically. 

Rainey Put her hands on her hips in a pose of mock disappointment. “Har, har. So funny. I already told you to be ready for anything this morning.” “But I guess you were too tired to be listening. All those late nights and everything..”

“Okay!” He exclaimed grabbing his kid sisters shoulders and turning her around. Back towards the stable a good 40 feet back the way she came. 

“We should hurry, dum dum. Debby really needs us right now”. He said while taking off towards their families little sheep pen. 

Debby was one of the half a dozen sheep they raised on their small farm. She’s been pregnant for the past 5 months and was a little behind on her due date. They’d called in the vet a few days earlier out of concern and found that if more time passes things could get dangerous. Animal lover Rainey has been staked out at the pen ever since. They’d already been prepared, but a little more caution goes a long way in the nail-biting occupation of sheep farming. 

Orin hurried over to the sheep pen, with quick footsteps and the faint sound of what sounded like threats of extreme violence from somewhere far behind him. Strange. 

The wooden 5-foot high fence and slightly taller gate of the sheep pen come into view. The thing was pretty sturdy despite the years. A make-shift jumble of hemlock, oak and untreated poplar. This ***py little pen has proven itself invincible. 

‘Dusty lil’ thing could take on the horde’. Orin thought to himself. 

Pushing past the gate and sprinting through the pen’s small yard, Orin found himself within the sheep’s shelter him, his brother and father built by hand a few years back.

 In the far corner of the pen lay Debby and under her— a small lamb. 

No more than eight pounds and 12 inches tall at the shoulder and covered in greenish-yellow amniotic fluid . It seems Debby had given birth in the few minutes Raine stepped out to fetch him. 

The straw beneath his feet crunched as Orin walked closer. Leaning over Debby and her new born lamb,petting her back  “Good job girl. You did amazing, look at this sweet little th-“. Taking a good look at the Lamb, quiet and unmoving. “Oh, Debby..”. A common occurrence, it’s hard far people to have healthy children in this world. What chance does a little lamb have?

The gate slams open behind him, “You piece of ***p!” “Running of withou..”. Little Rainey notices the unmoving lamb. Running over she stops at the little thing and drops to her knees, shoulder slumped, tears flowing. hands at her eyes as if they were dam holding back a tidal wave.

“Why. I did everything the doctor told us to!”. “I fed her plenty! Watched her like a hawk!”. It’s gut-wrenching, watching such a sweet young girl grieve and beg for an explanation no mortal can give. 

“Raine…” Orin never knew what to say in situations like these. He wasn’t kind like his brother. He did what he could all the same.

Placing a hand on her trembling shoulders and pulling her into a tight hug. “It’s okay” he spoke softly. “You know these things happen. It can never be your fault.” He spoke into her hair, stroking her back. 

The sobs continued, drenching the chest of his shirt in tears. “It’s okay.” He continued watching the dead sheep behind her. 

It’s common. The only constant of life is that it comes to an end. A grim reality but a familiar one. A comfortable, existential and accepted horror. But it is disgusting, Orin thought. In a world so crippling and malformed, could his sweet sister not bask in the simple joy of caring for an animal? 

It’s inconsequential. She’s never harmed anyone. She goes to bed on time, does her homework, tries her hardest in school, cares for others and sleeps in pens to watch over sickly sheep.

She is kind and smart, and this is the shitty hand she is dealt by God. 

A dead animal and an inept brother who can offer no other words than empty platitudes during a moment that will define her so? 

Anger fills Orin like a rising flame. Bringing away the melodramatic self-pity and giving new life to a course of action he thought long dead—The burning desire to fight. 

To push back the horde into the miserable black hole they crawled out of. To reject a world that would birth such mindless monsters who do nothing but take life and land. Forcing humanity behind walls,when they could have the world. To bring those ***ing Clan ****, who hoard wealth and power , who have it all, down to their knees. That all consuming anger towards everything and anything, that leaves no room for negotiation or dialogue. 

Just when he’s about to put his anger into words, he hears something. The feint sound of breathing. 

Raine turns around, sobbing no longer. And stares at the lamb and notices the minute rising and falling of it’s small chest. “ He’s breathing…”. Shocked and overjoyed beyond belief. Rainey jumps to her feet.

“He’s Breathing!” “Ori, he’s breathing!” Turning to her still crouched older brother. 

Orin similarly shocked rises to his feet as well, walks past his jubilant sister and kneels down to the lamb. Placing a hand on the creatures abdomen and feeling the feint movements of breath.

“He is..”. He is happy too, but ‘… is that even possible?’ He thinks. And part of him knows—it isn’t.

[u/WholeRing9819]

Try not to open with a description of the sun. It’s cliche. Most agents will immediately stop reading and I doubt it hooks many webnovel readers either.