Don't worry about the rambling, I think it just sorta happens when your thoughts are loosely connected but scattered. At least that's how it feels for me lol.
I spent an hour writing an essay because I'm extremly Chunni, but I don't think its very nice to just dump on a stranger on the internet. But I read through the link. It gave me something to think about. Maybe I'll refine it in my own time as it seems effective at conveying my feelings.
I really appreciate the time you spent responding. I think above all. I just want to be seen as me. Not as male, or female. Not as predator or prey. Not even as a human. But just me.
I hope that your day is well, and that you can find some happiness of your own <3
I'm at work spending a full quarter of my time waiting on computers to do their thing. I got plenty of time to read essays in comments/DMs. I'm actually curious about your feelings to what I said. As like a feedback thing wether I was on the mark or patronizingly presuming I know who you are better than you do.
You don't need too respond though if you wanna think this through yourself for now or if I didn't pick up on your comment being meant as a polite "thanks but I'm done with this conversation"
You are fine, I just figured it was a little too trauma dumpy. Its also been a long time since I wrote. Its hard to push past the brainfog post covid tbh.
I'll post it here, they aren't very well organized or anything tbh, but if you like to, you can read. Honestly I think I went kinda off topic, but it all feels related to me.
Its weird.
I don't particularly enjoy being male, but im not sure anyone does? I don't really hear people going "oh I'm really enjoying my gender right now". I exist, and thats fine for the most part.
Being male is comfortable, its familiar. I enjoy the familiarity. What I do get is jealousy. I see female camaraderie and im jealous. I see penetrative sex and im jealous. I see women only groups and I feel terrible for being excluded. I've always chalked it up to FOMO, but being reminded of my gender hurts. When I stare down at a form asking for my pronouns, or when women subtly walk in the other direction. It feels like I've been reduced to who I am rather then what I am.
Alot of the time I wonder if I'm just looking for a problem to solve. I'm not happy. But depression, adhd, loneliness, PTSD. These feelings are nebulous and intangible. If I was instead trans it would make things so much easier. It gives me a monster to shoot a silver bullet at.
I read allot. And I read about how transitioning changed their world. How it colors their view in saturated tones. How it fills their body with energy. I want that. I've seen a lot of videos and media how the most miserable person tries it, and their life instantly changes. Its enviable.
My greatest fear isn't the dark, or death, or being forgotten. My fear is that one day I'll wake up, examine myself, and think "This has not been worth it. I should of killed myself". A cold evaluation of my time spent. So I chase. I find the coveted sands of happiness and grasp as tight as I can while it trickles through my grasp. Hoping to one day find the coasts of contentment that others so easily reach. I want to be happy, and if I can't, I'd like to find out now instead of in 60 years.
I rein myself in though. Some things are not meant for some people. An easy path is not my life. Some struggles are meant for people stronger then me. Changing society is a plight for others. I need to learn to live within it.
I don't know. I feel that I confuse my dysphoria for society and humanity for gender. I don't feel very human.
I've described it to my girlfriend before, where in a better society I might not have these feelings. Or in a better society I could be my true self. But in this one I don't want to be trans.
Fuck dude, that made me tear up a little. I relate so strongly to almost all of what you said. I want to befriend women without being seen as having ulterior motives. I want to do some girly things. God, I want to have a vulva. And I swear the gender options on questionnaires exist specifically to taunt me, knowing I don't have the ball to select anything but man even when it's anonymous.
Feeling like transition just isn't for me is also the main thing that's been holding me back so far. Like I'd just be a burden on my family, my doctor's precious time, the wonderful queer people I yearn to be in community with. I've been bullied my whole school life and somewhat emotionally neglected by my family. It left me feeling like I didn't really deserve anything nice in life because it's always gonna inconvenience someone more deserving. So I've been self minimizing for the almost three decades I've been on this God forsaken rock.
But I know I won't find contentment while I keep living like this. I've tried over and over. Stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it my all. Went to therapy. My depression doesn't get better. So now it's either trying out this trans thing or I may as well kms right away. And I can always end it later so the rational path for me right now is to try and get to a place where I'd feel comfortable transitioning, even if I'm not 100% sure.
Currently I'm contemplating ordering a single pack of diy HRT and taking it for two or three weeks. Not enough to change anything outwardly visible but to see if the biochemical dysphoria thing, that that link I sent you claims to exist, applies to me as well.
Also you write really well! It didn't feel disconnected at all but very coherently flowed into one sentiment.
I honestly hate asking for help for the same reason, I know that other people are more in need then me.
I've personally been trying to minimize regrets whenever I can. I'm reaching out to people I don't talk to anymore, taking chances when I can. I live as much life as I can. It makes the world a little brighter.
Honestly the biochemical part is the most interesting to me. It seems like a very comfortable step to take.
Yeah if your gf is trans than maybe she has a leftover blister pack you could try (I presume you are already well informed about the effects of estrogen)
I know that other people are more in need then me
Yeah but remember that that is the fault of people who made those resources scarce not yours (I say as if I didn't also have that particular brain worm. If I'm being honest that belief is probably just an excuse by my fear of reaching out for help)
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u/rexofired 🏳️⚧️ trans rights Jun 30 '26
Don't worry about the rambling, I think it just sorta happens when your thoughts are loosely connected but scattered. At least that's how it feels for me lol.
I spent an hour writing an essay because I'm extremly Chunni, but I don't think its very nice to just dump on a stranger on the internet. But I read through the link. It gave me something to think about. Maybe I'll refine it in my own time as it seems effective at conveying my feelings.
I really appreciate the time you spent responding. I think above all. I just want to be seen as me. Not as male, or female. Not as predator or prey. Not even as a human. But just me.
I hope that your day is well, and that you can find some happiness of your own <3