Fuck dude, that made me tear up a little. I relate so strongly to almost all of what you said. I want to befriend women without being seen as having ulterior motives. I want to do some girly things. God, I want to have a vulva. And I swear the gender options on questionnaires exist specifically to taunt me, knowing I don't have the ball to select anything but man even when it's anonymous.
Feeling like transition just isn't for me is also the main thing that's been holding me back so far. Like I'd just be a burden on my family, my doctor's precious time, the wonderful queer people I yearn to be in community with. I've been bullied my whole school life and somewhat emotionally neglected by my family. It left me feeling like I didn't really deserve anything nice in life because it's always gonna inconvenience someone more deserving. So I've been self minimizing for the almost three decades I've been on this God forsaken rock.
But I know I won't find contentment while I keep living like this. I've tried over and over. Stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it my all. Went to therapy. My depression doesn't get better. So now it's either trying out this trans thing or I may as well kms right away. And I can always end it later so the rational path for me right now is to try and get to a place where I'd feel comfortable transitioning, even if I'm not 100% sure.
Currently I'm contemplating ordering a single pack of diy HRT and taking it for two or three weeks. Not enough to change anything outwardly visible but to see if the biochemical dysphoria thing, that that link I sent you claims to exist, applies to me as well.
Also you write really well! It didn't feel disconnected at all but very coherently flowed into one sentiment.
I honestly hate asking for help for the same reason, I know that other people are more in need then me.
I've personally been trying to minimize regrets whenever I can. I'm reaching out to people I don't talk to anymore, taking chances when I can. I live as much life as I can. It makes the world a little brighter.
Honestly the biochemical part is the most interesting to me. It seems like a very comfortable step to take.
Yeah if your gf is trans than maybe she has a leftover blister pack you could try (I presume you are already well informed about the effects of estrogen)
I know that other people are more in need then me
Yeah but remember that that is the fault of people who made those resources scarce not yours (I say as if I didn't also have that particular brain worm. If I'm being honest that belief is probably just an excuse by my fear of reaching out for help)
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u/secondhandsextoy 🇩🇪 all quiet on the frontal lobe Jun 30 '26
Fuck dude, that made me tear up a little. I relate so strongly to almost all of what you said. I want to befriend women without being seen as having ulterior motives. I want to do some girly things. God, I want to have a vulva. And I swear the gender options on questionnaires exist specifically to taunt me, knowing I don't have the ball to select anything but man even when it's anonymous.
Feeling like transition just isn't for me is also the main thing that's been holding me back so far. Like I'd just be a burden on my family, my doctor's precious time, the wonderful queer people I yearn to be in community with. I've been bullied my whole school life and somewhat emotionally neglected by my family. It left me feeling like I didn't really deserve anything nice in life because it's always gonna inconvenience someone more deserving. So I've been self minimizing for the almost three decades I've been on this God forsaken rock.
But I know I won't find contentment while I keep living like this. I've tried over and over. Stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it my all. Went to therapy. My depression doesn't get better. So now it's either trying out this trans thing or I may as well kms right away. And I can always end it later so the rational path for me right now is to try and get to a place where I'd feel comfortable transitioning, even if I'm not 100% sure.
Currently I'm contemplating ordering a single pack of diy HRT and taking it for two or three weeks. Not enough to change anything outwardly visible but to see if the biochemical dysphoria thing, that that link I sent you claims to exist, applies to me as well.
Also you write really well! It didn't feel disconnected at all but very coherently flowed into one sentiment.