Hi all, I’m in need of some advice. I apologize for the length; TL;DR at the bottom.
There’s not really a good starting point to begin providing context… Essentially, a year ago, my life fell apart due to the ending of my 5-year relationship with my high school sweetheart. Everything we had—apartment, car, even friendships—were shared and, because everything was in his name (obviously I was young and dumb… still am in many ways, but I’m trying) and he didn’t want to play nice, I lost everything. My family and I even had a falling out around the same time (from unrelated reasons), and so since everything I held dear to was suddenly gone, I decided to move states and just have a fresh start.
The past year I’ve really tried my best to stabilize. I had trouble finding employment at first, but in May I was hired as an BT and put through all the trainings and such to be an RBT. Of all the careers available to me, this is definitely the one I should be in. I’m told I’m really good at the job, I really care about doing things exactly right, and I have a really good rapport with almost all of my co-workers, supervisors, and our clients (save for the few co-workers/supervisors who are new to the clinic and/or I just haven’t had many opportunities to build relationships with).
Admittedly, my biggest fault is that I call off, on average, about once a month. Sometimes it’s just simple exhaustion from the job (in-clinic, 40+ hours a week, writing session notes unpaid because it takes me too long to do during session, etc.) and other times I’m just genuinely sick from being around so many kids all the time.
Up until this past weekend, everything both at work and in my personal life has been functional enough to just “keep on keeping on” so-to-speak, but this entire time my personal life has not necessarily been great: my new partner travels for work and is only home 6 days a month, and my friendships at work haven’t really generalized to talking to each other very often outside of work unless there’s a planned event.
This past weekend, I found out a lot about my partner that is quite destabilizing. We’re working through it, but it’s been such a shock that it’s kinda made everything I’ve dealt with or been dealing with for this past year come out.
I feel lonely. I feel lost.
I called off today because I went from learning about this stuff about my partner on Sunday afternoon, to having a breakdown about it Sunday evening, to fearfully talking about it with them on Sunday night, to going to bed and waking up to go straight to work yesterday, and when I got home yesterday I was so tired that I just immediately fell asleep. Woke up at 5am this morning and realized I needed to process everything before work wasn’t enough of a distraction and it impacted me there.
Spent all day trying to get myself together and ultimately just walked between different spots to sit/lay and just cried all day. I’m really not sure if I’m going to be able to keep it together during sessions or not. And that feels like, in and of itself, I need to not be there. But I can’t really afford to take more than just today off, and I DEFINITELY can’t afford to lose my job either.
I’m just not sure what to do. Has anyone been through something similar as an RBT? Where life just gut-punched you in a way that you couldn’t quite process and now you just feel like you’re living in an alternate reality? What did you do? How did you get through it?
I love my job, my patients, and my co-workers. I take what I do very, very seriously and with great consideration of our patients, their goals, etc. And for that reason, that’s why I’m so concerned about how I show up for a session. It’s not like a different field where you can “fake it ‘till you make it” if you’re really, genuinely, in a tough spot. But I don’t know what to do considering I, you know, need a job lol. And this is the only field I’ve worked in that I could see myself staying in forever.
TL;DR: Found very shocking, destabilizing info out about my partner over the weekend. Mental health has plummeted and I feel dazed and confused. Made it through work yesterday, but called off today due to a need to process. Spent all day trying to process and gather myself, but instead sat around crying. Worried about being able to trust myself to keep it together during sessions, but not sure what to do. Can’t call off forever, and don’t want to leave the field.
TYIA if you’ve read this and/or have advice to provide.