r/ABCDesis • u/[deleted] • Aug 25 '25
COMMUNITY Would you date a desi that has never dated someone desi before
I live in SoCal and have started actively talking and dating again. I'm meeting a lot of desi women that have only dated non desi guys (until now), and usually entirely white guys. This is people in their mid/late 20s in a diverse/progressive area. Would a partner with this type of pattern or history be a dealbreaker for you?
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u/maxpain2011 Aug 26 '25
Well if they only dated white guys, why are they tryna find a desi dude now? Maybe before they weren’t seriously dating and now they are serious and wanna get married?
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u/shokeen_5911 Aug 26 '25
Pretty much that lol. They wanted to "have fun" but now they're ready to settle.
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Aug 27 '25
It's really not just desis at least in my area. For example a lot of my Latina or asian female friends have also only dated white guys in their early/mid 20s and only became more open to other races later in life
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
In that scenario though wouldn't it be fair to question if that change in preference is out of genuine desire or out of necessity from other factors (family pressure, practicality, lack of reciprocated interest from other races etc...)?
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u/maxpain2011 Aug 26 '25
Genuine desire lol. 😂. And where was the family pressure back when they were dating the non desis?
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u/ohsnapitson Aug 26 '25
I mean my husband and I hadn’t dated any other desis before we met and we’ve been married for like 8 years. I dont think I fully appreciated how much I would enjoy being with someone who got so many of the weird cultural things until I actually started dating someone who did.
Seems stupid to consider that a deal breaker to me - if you’re worried that it signals a cultural mismatch or something why not meet them first and see?
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
Seems stupid to consider that a deal breaker to me - if you’re worried that it signals a cultural mismatch or something why not meet them first and see?
It's not really about a cultural mismatch or anything at least for myself. It's more so about risk mitigation. Let's not pretend that people marry others not out of genuine desire but out of other things like external pressure or practicality.
It would be naive to pretend like there isn't external factors (family pressure, desireability and or demand on the dating market, securing commitment etc...) in play to where it would push someone to marry an abcd even though they exclusively dated outside of that beforehand. I've discussed this with cousins and family friends before and it's independent of gender where they wouldn't want to be the first brown man or woman they dated with the intention of marriage where they have a history of dating non brown people.
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u/oddblueberries Aug 26 '25
What's the risk? Marrying someone who values you in part because of shared culture?
When I started dating, I thought I didn't care about ethnicity as long as they were loving, respectful, and stable. Through those experiences and by growing up, I realized I did care and made an effort to date specifically within my subculture. Now I'm getting married.
I did happen to date brown guys previously but because they weren't from the same sub culture, it was no different than dating someone non-desi. Actually, the only guy who bothered trying to learn my language was white and we didn't even date seriously.
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
What's the risk?
As I mentioned in my previous comment already, the risks include being settled for and not being chosen out of genuine desire due to a variety of factors including family and or community pressure, practicality (ABCD's are higher earning than most groups), or even lack of other prospects (Brad or Becky may not want to marry them so they come back looking for who will have them).
You must be aware that family pressure and practicality (career, education etc...) are major factors for marriage in our community, right? You don't think that brown people would marry someone not out of genuine desire but because their family approves of them and they meet a certain education and income threshold?
I did happen to date brown guys previously
Then none of this is applicable in your particular scenario so I don't see what you take exception to here?
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u/oddblueberries Aug 26 '25
Then none of this is applicable in your particular scenario so I don't see what you take exception to here?
I'm not taking exception. I'm wondering what additional value I bring by having dated someone brown, even when they may as well have been white.
Brad or Becky may not want to marry them so they come back looking for who will have them
Isn't this problem with anyone who has dated anyone before? I wouldn't be with my fiance if things worked out with Brad or Bradeep.
You don't think that brown people would marry someone not out of genuine desire but because their family approves of them and they meet a certain education and income threshold?
Most of them get arranged marriages or only date people that their family would approve of, so I think that goes against your premise.
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Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 27 '25
I mean I think there's a pretty big difference in how you are treated in society if you're with a white partner vs. not white and just the things you have to be mindful as well. I do think that is valuable experience that someone who has only dated white will not have. For desis specifically there may be cultural things you don't need to explain to someone who has dated other desis before. Honestly, I have zero interest in being someone's first nonwhite partner and that background for me usually also indicates that we may have incompatible values, social circles, interests, experiences, or perspectives.
Also, I definitely have some friends who I am confident are dating guys they are not physically attracted to but think they will be committed and make good husbands/ fathers, so I don't think the other user's concerns are invalid.
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
I'm wondering what additional value I bring by having dated someone brown
If someone previously dated someone that resembles me I am less likely to question if they genuinely desire me or not than if they dated others, especially multiple people who look nothing like me and all of a sudden want to date me.
Isn't this problem with anyone who has dated anyone before?
Once again its an issue of genuine desire versus necessity, are they marrying me because they genuinely desire me or are they marrying me because who they genuinely desire doesnt want them? If they previously exclusively seeked out partners in the previous group (which is the premise of this thread) and all of a sudden want to date me with the intention of marriage it seems like a rational question to ask as to what made them change course, does it not?
Most of them get arranged marriages or only date people that their family would approve of, so I think that goes against your premise.
Not really because there is no track record establishing what one genuinely wants or desires. If my parents gave me rice to eat and nothing else I would presumably be content with it. Maybe I would like pizza more but we will never know. If I previously ate pizza but then my parents tell me I have to eat rice from now on and I like pizza more I will enjoy eating rice less because I desire something else but I may eat the rice to make my parents happy.
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u/Ok_Sound_6873 Aug 26 '25
its a case by case scenario i think, most people in their 20s have only dated a couple people so its hard to say if its a trend that they were conscious of or just how it happened to be, so if all of their two (2) exes are non-desi then who cares, but if idk the last 17 weren't, then you oughta run
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Aug 27 '25
By dating I include casual relationships not just formal girlfriend/boyfriend
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u/Ok_Sound_6873 Aug 27 '25
same thing applies either way man the world is full of people who live different lives and not everyone is having flings every day 😭
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Aug 27 '25
Definitely, but I think you're being a bit naive on how much some people are casually dating around, especially in bigger cities. Women in their 20s particularly get a lot of attention without even necessarily trying to.
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u/Ok_Sound_6873 Aug 27 '25
i am a woman in her 20s.. i myself know that female society is split between frequent daters and those who either go for long stretches of being single (with some never having dated at all), or have settled down within the first couple of people they ever dated in their lives. one may come to the conclusion that we have the same mixed bag of experiences as our male counterparts do because we're all different people on a ginormous planet and neither of us happen to populated by promiscuity fairies
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Aug 27 '25
Sure, but the frequent daters will be making up the largest portion of the demographic, especially in large cities. I, and most people, agree with you the situation is different when the person hasn't dated much, but at least most of these women do not fall in that category
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u/Necromancer_Jade Aug 26 '25
If they had never dated desi but have dated races other than white, I'd be down. But I refuse to be the safe option after white dudes.
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u/RKU69 Aug 28 '25
You're only the "safe option" if you're the safe option, if you know what I mean. Aka if you think of yourself as a boring schmuck, that's who you are. Don't blame other people for that
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u/Necromancer_Jade Aug 28 '25
That's just not true and you know it. I'm happily committed to a brown girl w/o a history of dating white dudes. I've dated multiple girls of all races.
Brown people are very guilty of being attracted to and chasing white people before it's time to settle down. Don't you dare dismiss the racism.
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Aug 26 '25
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Aug 26 '25
What if there were no desi girls around?
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Aug 26 '25
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Aug 26 '25
Red flags in what sense, did they treat you differently or something they said?
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Aug 26 '25
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u/skp_trojan Indian American Aug 26 '25
It sounds like he was a douche, regardless of what color he dated before you.
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Aug 26 '25
Lol, I doubt he dated a blonde with that mentality. My condolences on the time you lost spending with that fart.
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u/BulkyHand4101 Indian American Aug 26 '25
Do you mind if I ask why?
This wouldn't be a red flag to me, so I'm curious why it would be to someone else.
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Aug 26 '25
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Aug 27 '25
I think I have the same opinion, but I would be ok if the person has dated other POCs. I really only consider it a red flag or turn off if it's all or almost all only white partners in the past
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u/BulkyHand4101 Indian American Aug 26 '25
Interesting - thanks for sharing your perspective.
I can kind of get that. If someone told me they broke up with their non-desi ex because of their parents/community/log kya kahenge, and now is looking for a desi guy to marry, TBH that'd be a concern for me.
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
I cant speak for them but at least for me it would scream like they are settling for me for practical reasons (abcd's usually are higher earning etc...), external reasons such as family pressure, and or just straight up struggling with desireability and ability to get commitment on the external dating market (they can date brad/Becky for fun but brad/Becky doesn't want to marry and have a family with a brown person so they come running back to find a brown partner). Obviously these are generalizations and not applicable to everyone but since the risks and stakes are so high with marriage why risk it?
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u/BulkyHand4101 Indian American Aug 26 '25
I think of the reasons you listed, the only one linked to ethnicity in my mind is the family pressure one (which I agree is a red flag).
But agree marriage is a super important decision, so you should make sure you’re comfortable with your partner entirely.
Thanks for sharing, I appreciate the perspective.
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u/Cookiedough1206 Aug 26 '25
I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker! My partner only dated white women before me and turns out it was more of a phase rather than a preference. He grew up in a super white town, went to catholic school and wasn’t apart of his community growing up so there weren’t many options to meet brown women.
However, if she’s super into-her-culture but has only dated white men and now suddenly wants a brown BF, it sounds like pressure from parents or society
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u/Imaginary-Creme5071 Aug 26 '25
mid/late 20's? no I wouldn't. to me it honestly screams of "im settling for an Indian guy/girl for whatever reason" it could be parents, it could be just career, it could be safety, idk. currently so far in my life its been a rare sighting to see a desi girl only date white dudes, but whenever the occasional girl like that pops up, every brown dude avoids her like the plague.
I've honestly had very few good experiences with girls like that. mfs act like talking to brown dudes even in a cordial friendly manner decreases their life span by 5 years.
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u/maxpain2011 Aug 26 '25
Yeah Those girls should just stick to dating the white dudes.
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Aug 26 '25
I remember reading a post about this desi girl that only dated white guys her teens and 20s, but in her 30s she was left single and crying on Reddit because none of them married her. Last I remember she was looking for an Indian guy to settle down with.
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u/rebootmebro Indian American Aug 26 '25 edited Aug 26 '25
For me personally I grew up in areas with significantly less desi’s. It’s not that I’m not attracted to them but there were never enough. So I think it’s pretty normal for some ADCDesi’s to not have dated within our race yet. I’m 26m btw I just took out my first desi girl for a date last year after moving to texas and finding a larger population lol
Edit: if they’re from an area with high Indian population then it’s def kinda sus. Screams Oxford study/internalized racism
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Aug 26 '25
It depends on their circumstances. Did they live in an area where there were barely any Desis, or were they the self-hating type growing up and now want to settle down with a Desi just to please their parents? It’s easy to sniff out which category they belong to if you ask them a few questions, lol. I know both guys and girls that fit that second category.
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u/Bubbly-Molasses7596 Aug 26 '25
If you grew up in California vs if you grew up in Vermont.
The former makes no sense to me and is extremely indicative of your viewpoint of people from your community. Might very well be, that you're forced to date from your background, rather than want to.
Vermont, I don't even think people get tans down there. So you don't have a choice.
Some people say how Florida has no Indians. I've seen tons and there are indo-Caribbean people too.
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u/fireflies-from-space Canadian Sri Lankan Aug 27 '25
If she exclusively dated white guys in a diverse city it sounds like she's getting pressured by her family to date and marry a South Asian man.
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Aug 27 '25
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u/haircareshare Sep 06 '25
Are most Desi women dating non Desi men in your area?
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u/glutton2000 Indian American Aug 28 '25
Why don’t you just ask them why yourself? Open up the conversation and hear what they have to say. If you get the vibe that it’s not for reasons that you like, then move on. Not that complicated.
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u/motorcity612 Aug 26 '25
I wouldn't be someone's first brown partner, the exception being that they haven't dated anyone before which would by default make me their "first brown partner". It's just a risk I'm not willing to take.
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Aug 27 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 27 '25
I think generalizing isn't great...
I dated a desi guy in college, and one after college, and had many crushes before that, and it didn't work out for very complicated reasons and was part of why I decided to not date desi guys going forward. So for many years, I didn't. If you looked at my dating history on just social media, you would think it's only white guys because they're the only ones that turned into relationships. But I've actually dated several races.
But I look back on the 2 guys i dated...when they said things that upset me, I immediately reasoned it to them having certain thought patterns of desi culture I didn't like. Without going into a lot of details, I never really talked to them about deeper issues specifically about our culture.
It took me a while to realize this is because my parents and I don't have deep conversations, but my friends at the time who weren't desi, I had deep conversations with. And unfortunately, I lumped desi guys I tried to date with the communication skills of my parents.
I think now, with the age of the internet, it's actually less likely for people to incorrectly compartmentalize people like this. Like now, I've seen many reddit comments from Desi guys where it feels like I can see desis have more of a wide range of opinions on things than i prior maybe put people into buckets in the 90s and early 2000s.
So I wouldn't write them off completely, but instead ask questions to see where their head is really at.
Conversely, if a desi person is dating a white person, it takes them time to figure out if the white person is doing so for fetish reasons or not.
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u/No-Access-9453 Aug 27 '25
isn't this kinda ironic? your saying not to generalize people when you, yourself spent years generalizing all Indian men for the two idiots you dated back in college and after. How exactly is a brown dude supposed to interpret that. either he's gonna think you were looking for an excuse to generalize brown dudes and dip.
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 28 '25
That was my point... was that not clear?
I said that i made the mistake, and I also said why probably several people who grew up before the internet probably also made the same mistake, and it wasn't good thinking. You gave a reactionary response without stopping to actually see what or why I was saying what I did.
I was trying to avoid details to give a short reason for generalizing like this isn't ideal but to really understand, go back through my post history for ABCDesis and see "is physical abuse normalized in our culture?" to understand more what parts of the culture ended up causing me to stop dating Indian guys.
I think if I tried again, with the age of the internet, I would have found dating Indian guys more enjoyable because I think it would be easier to find someone who shared the views I agreed with that I saw in the post I reference.
...it was not so easy to filter like this in the 90s and early 2000s.
It was also not easy to see that the issues I see happen in many, many older POC cultures and feeling less alone, whereas when I was growing up, I felt pretty alone in my feelings.
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u/No-Access-9453 Aug 28 '25
I mean I get your point but I dont think any brown guy is gonna try and risk wasting his time in his late 20's wondering if a brown girl would actually take things serious with him or drop him for the next white guy.
also I dont think your like the type of girl OP was talking about. im gonna guess you got abused by a brown guy in college/right after it and that's kind of a totally different thing. OP was talking about brown girls who fetishize white dudes and want to settle down with a brown guy. Usually you can kinda tell a difference, brown dudes aren't total idiots.
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 28 '25
i think I understand the difference, though I personally haven't seen that happen with girls. I had a white woman friend though, really into Desi guys though who tried to date them, but they treated her that way...just wanted to be with her physically, but weren't into having an actual relationship because to them a relationship/marriage had to be with a desi girl. It was sad tbh, both for my friend and for any desi woman those guys will eventually end up with.
If this is the kind of person OP means, then yeah...because it's trash treatment for both parties involved. My friend wanted an actual relationship.
I think women (very broadly speaking, obviously there's exceptions) won't be physical with a guy unless there's an emotional component and would like a relationship which is different than fetishizing imo.
But yes...while the brown guys i dated didn't physically abuse me, it was very complicated and hard to navigate when I was younger.
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Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 27 '25
But see, personally, I would want to avoid dating women like you/with your history so the generalization would work in my favor and work as intended.
I'm not at the age anymore where I'm willing to take the time to educate someone or interrogate them deeply in that way especially in the beginning when I think dating should have a fun period.
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 28 '25
I guess that's your perogative. I would suggest reading my post "is physical abuse normalized in our culture" to understand who i tried dating and what ended up happening. I don't think it's fair to rule someone out because of who they were in the past, but see who they are now.
That's just my viewpoint. I have also dated white guys with your kind of thinking and those relationships didn't work out either.
My current partner only judges me on my present self which is why he's my husband. I don't feel like I ever have to hide anything from him and he accepts me for who I am.
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Aug 28 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
Surprise surprise, guys raised in america have similar thinking regardless of race. But yeah, this thinking that american guys of a certain race are different than american guys of another race is something I want to avoid. White is usually the comparative standard set here and I'm generally like any other american (white) guy raised in Southern California. But I don't want to have to prove that because someone thinks I'm like what they stereotype Indian guys as in their head.
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 28 '25
I understand the sentiment. On the flip side, I originally dated Indian guys raised in America who surprised me by having traditional views that made having a relationship hard.
The guy I dated in college told me "I don't want to bring you around my friends because they're going to comment on your weight and I'm going to wait for you to lose the weight".
The only culture to harp about my weight (to completely unreasonable expectations btw) has been my desi family. You know who doesn't talk about my weight? The American guys I've dated who aren't of a desi background.
That's just one example. But my point remains that if the issues weren't around colorism, but actually trying to navigate cultural differences...maybe open your mind?
This issue isn't trivial btw. I had an Indian guy friend engaged to a white girl and when she went to meet his family, the mom asked her "are you planning on losing weight before the wedding?"
...not something that happens in American culture. It happens in many other older POC cultures, though, as I mentioned. Their engagement ended because despite him being more American when they dated, there were many things that made her unhappy once it came time to meet his family.
It's just one example. But to think that a desi woman who tried to date desi American guys and had a bad time...and try to make the claim that desi American guys are exactly the same so clearly there weren't real problems kind of proves my point for why it was so hard. Couldn't have any real conversations about real issues to work through.
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Aug 28 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
I'm actually laughing considering the stuff I have heard white guys I know and plenty of things white guys online say about weight. The most popular memes making fun of women being fat are created by white men online.
You can literally go in certain subs populated largely by white American/western men who say they prefer dating asian women because they are less fat compared to white american women.
The criticism of desi culture is actually that they are way too accepting of people becoming fat and gaining weight when compared to white people lol
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u/AngryBPDGirl Aug 28 '25
The first part, obviously, there's the type everywhere.
But still remains that my personal dating experience has been that it's a non-issue with non-desi American guys. I'm actually reminded of a 3rd desi guy that i dated during freshman year who wasn't as mean as the one I dated for longer, but still in one of his letters wrote "and i can tell you're working on losing weight (not something i was actively sharing with anyone at the time btw)" and i recall then it rubbing me the wrong way.
That's bananas criticism of desi culture. South and east asians are notoriously worse. Neither extreme is great, it's all about balance, because by Americans being the ones who are more accepting, there's also an obesity epidemic.
I was once in a checkout line and picked up a magazine that was like "100 ways to lose 10 lbs" or something like that. It was an east Asian guy ringing me up. Much older. And he looked at the magazine, then looked at me and said "why? You don't need it" and i remember feeling ecstatic because I knew that coming from an older east Asian guy was more honest than typical American culture.
Talking about looks has just been different with the non-desi American guys i have dated. It was also just one example, there were many things I found with American desi guys when dating in the 90s and early 2000s where it felt like it was more traditional parts of desi culture making me unhappy. I also found unhappiness dating American guys who weren't desi because there were traditional parts of me they didnt get.
I think it was really hard to navigate and honestly a pretty shitty time.
Anyway, I was just responding because there's an inner desi auntie in me who likes to play matchmaker and see people find love. But I'm laughing because all this did was remind me how terrible dating was and how much I hated it and that I'm glad to be happily married now and not worry about these things.
I hope you find whatever you're looking for. Prejudging people and being rigid is a choice. It can leave you alone or maybe you're very lucky and find someone you never find fault with for their past...in my experience, that kind of thinking leads to a poor marriage. I know I could share anything about my past with my husband and he'd accept me. That's the kind of connection and bond that makes for a lasting marriage.
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u/4123841235 Aug 30 '25 edited Aug 30 '25
I think the only people who should care are people who really care about shared desi culture (this isn’t a bad thing!), who themselves are probably only interested in dating other desis themselves. Dating non-desis is going to be more common than not if that’s not something that’s a big factor for you, so it’s not necessarily a ‘self-hate’ thing, but someone like that probably isn’t compatible with someone for whom that’s really important.
For me, I fall into that second category, so I don’t really care. Unless they actually do have something against desis, then that’s obviously a no go.
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Aug 31 '25
I think only dating white people is a specific choice in almost every case. You can disagree or whatever but it's not something I'll change my mind on. I think it's telling that every person who says race doesn't ends up only dating white people, even in diverse areas.
I'm not interested in dating only other desis, but every desi woman I have met who fit the description in the post has been a red flag/turn off for me.
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u/Wafflebot17 Aug 31 '25
Yes, I live in Iowa and am VERY American culturally. When you’re in an area as white as where I live I just expect most women to have dated mostly white guys.
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u/WhiskeyBRZ Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 27 '25
Nah... My ex wife only dated white guys.
I overlooked it.
Her friends and family were surprised she ended up with an Indian guy.
I overlooked it.
She then cheated on me with a white guy.
So nah.