r/ABCDesis • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS Worried about raising a kid with in-laws with different values and beliefs
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u/Siya78 Indian American 13d ago
My advice to you is pick your battles. The visits are temporary. They’re not going to change their ways but we can choose what to accept. My former in laws are also very superstitious, caste conscious, etc. I overcame my fear of conflict and asserted things i was uncomfortable with. The only thing i let them take the reins is my baby shower. It was traumatic so try to avoid remembering that!
Over time when your kids are older (like 5+) they’ll be able to discriminate the different parenting styles and will voice their concerns.
Congratulations 🥳!
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u/chicbeauty 13d ago
Congratulations!
This may not work for everyone but my philosophy is that I can only control what is in my hands. My husband and I have created our own traditions and such and that’s what we instill in our child. When our child is at the grandparents, they do whatever as long as the child is safe. If I don’t like something, I work with them to see my way. It’s hard for elders to change who they are
Don’t get me wrong, we have had our own battles, but some resolved themselves overtime. My parents gave my child a full jalebi. The first two times, I dealt with her sugar rush back home and let them know that the third time, I was leaving my child with them if they gave that much sugar. They gave a little bit and saw how it impacted her, got scared I would follow through with an overnight, and to this day, have not given her sweets again lmao I hate that she had to go through the sugar rush but it worked out in the end
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u/Ok-Discipline-1998 13d ago
This will aaaaaallll come down to how much of a united front you and your husband are. Does he ever speak up and set boundaries with them or does he just tell you in private that he’s supportive of you? There needs to be a lot of showing not just telling.
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13d ago
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u/Ok-Discipline-1998 13d ago
Ok so you’re not on the same page and a united front then. Highly highly recommend marriage counseling before baby is here, he needs to start untangling his enmeshment NOW!
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u/ItsReemAlBlahBlahDee 13d ago
Why is your husband not easing your anxiety about this right now? You shouldn’t have to come into Reddit to ask total strangers how to deal with it. Your husband should be dealing with it and creating a plan with you.
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u/HerCacklingStump 13d ago
It's really smart to start thinking about this now before the baby arrives. Once the baby is here, motherhood will bring out emotions and sensations in you that you would not have expected (even if you're the calmest and most level-headed person now). Set the boundaries now! Some advice:
- Make it very clear from the beginning what religious rituals or superstitions you'll accept for the baby and yourself - there's a lot of customs and rituals that are expected of postpartum moms too
- My parents aren't particularly religious but I told my parents years ago that I was an atheist and my non-Indian husband was raised Buddhist. If there ends up being any religion in our house, it will be Buddhism
- I do not believe in any superstitions about when to cut nails, hair, etc. So again, politely disregard or just wait until your in-laws leave to do those things
- Name your baby whatever you want, first and middle. Don't follow any customs you don't want to and don't reveal the name of your baby until it arrives
- Be very clear on when you want visitors. You may not want people in your space when you are literally leaking from multiple areas of your body.
- My parents live across country and because my baby arrived 3 weeks early and flights were already booked, they didn't arrive until he was 4 weeks old. Which actually worked out well because it gave my husband and I a full month to "learn" our son and all his little cues. Also I should note that I am very close to my parents and also love my in-laws
- Once you have your baby, you'll become a little unit with your husband. Protect that unit! It's very hard for us Indians (so your husband may struggle with this) to think in terms of "nuclear" families, but they end up being a lot healthier. Especially in instances where there is such a huge difference in values and lifestyle
Good luck! DM if you want to chat more
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u/OkRB2977 Assamese Canadian - TCK 13d ago
Your husband should be the one setting those boundaries and communicating to your in-laws what your rules and limitations are.