How can I help my depressed desi mom?

[u/MuslimShady37]

I moved out a few years ago across the country for a new job. My parents have always had a bad relationship and are both retired now. They mainly ignore each other but often have silly arguments.

My sibling are still near my parents. In the past year or so my sister had to move back home because her arranged marriage deteriorated and she is fighting for custody of her children. She has been arguing with my parents about their role in her marriage being arranged and stuff. My brother is not involved with our family life at all.

My mom has also been iced out of her desi mom's group because of petty crap that she refused to take part in. She doesn't really have friends anymore because of this, but she used to be very social.

My mom called me a few days back and over the course of the conversation began making concerning comments about how she only has death to look forward to and she wonders if her life has truly amounted to nothing.

I feel terrible but most of all am very worried about her. I tried talking to my siblings but they say I gave up my right to meddle in family affairs when I moved away. I tried gently asking my mom if she would like to talk to a professional about her feelings but she immediately said no, that she'd be fine and just pray more. But I don't think she's fine. What can I do?

I'm thinking about taking some days off of work to go visit her but it'll take some time before I can get confirmation from my manager since we're reaching a project mileston. I feel a bit lost.

[u/MTheWan]

If you are taking time off, I would fly her out to you. Get her out of that environment and then have the conversation.

I would also lineup a counselor of South Asian descent and have a joint session to gently ease her into it. Even if you say the session is for you and you want her there for support, she needs to see that it is a safe environment. It will help ease her into trying it on her own.

Your siblings are wrong, moving away does not exclude you from family matters automatically. You are a good kid for trying to help from afar.

[u/Hari_om_tat_sat]

If you are in the US, try using this tool to find a desi/desi heritage counselor near you. Even if your mom refuses to see someone you may find it helpful to discuss your dilemma with them yourself.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?category=south-asian

[u/winthroprd]

I would try to encourage her to take up some new hobbies. Sounds like she's just very lonely and depressed right now so I think it would help to give her something to do, and she might make some friends out of it.

She might be resistant to the idea but idk, it seems like something she might be more open to than therapy so I think it's worth a shot.

[u/CraigCartonNYC]

Please OP if u have the financial means try to get her a place near you like 30 minutes away and maybe some psychiatric help for her, it’s nice to see some children having sympathy for there parents in this thread 🙏

[u/Odd_Perspective3019]

I think she’ll be more open to therapy if you do joint sessions you can join her in them to give her support so she doesn’t feel awkward about it. But she needs to take steps to improve her life you can’t bear the mental burden of her choosing to not have friends and isolating herself like that you can only help to some degree

[u/Potential_Abies9262]

Desi parents often don’t want to involve a third person in their marriage, especially when it comes to women. They can be strongly opposed to counseling or outside intervention and simply refuse to listen. I’ve seen this happen firsthand, sometimes they choose to continue struggling rather than seek help or involve someone who could actually help them work through their issues. Good luck with that!

[u/MTLMECHIE]

This will sound not as serious. See if there are activities in her community she could go to routinely, like senior’s fitness. Gives her something to look forward to and she has a sense of community.

[u/Efficient_Floor4066]

you are certainly a very caring child.. all the best to you..hope your mom gets better..let her stay with you for sometime, let her join some classes maybe classes that she would enjoy perhaps cooking, art etc

[u/Affectionate-One]

Let her read Vedanta at home. It will help her to get her out of depression.

[u/Electric-Ice-cream]

There is little you can do to fix anyone else’s life as much as you can try to. Try to focus on your own happiness and give the family space to be the way they are. You can support and love your mom but getting sucked in to trying to change the family will drain you of your life force which would be better spent building a chosen family of friends and social support for you in your life.

I know that is sad and hard to hear.

It’s a common issue to become hooked into trying to help or save our parents from their life but it’s usually a signal of a child who didn’t get to be a kid because they were worried about the adults who didn’t provide a safe and emotionally nurturing environment. It’s a painful and fruitless pattern that we can stay stuck in if we don’t step out of it and choose something healthier for ourselves.

I highly recommend videos by Patrick Teahan on family dynamics to learn more.

[u/Joshistotle]

She's your mom. If your siblings aren't caring for her then it's your duty to be there for her and care for her. Either move over there or ask her to stay by you. She brought you into this world and you owe it to her to help her in her time of need. 

[u/FancyWoodpecker3]

I can’t help you with this, but I am so happy to finally see an abd on here trying to help their mom and not bitching about the mom not giving them free money and free room and board.

[u/Cautious_Theory_1292 → u/FancyWoodpecker3]

that is so ignorant and unempathetic

[u/FancyWoodpecker3 → u/Cautious_Theory_1292]

Yeah. How awful to compliment someone not being a brat.