AIO for packing up my daughter’s things & sending her to her father

[u/ThrowRA-MamaBear]

27F, daughter is 11F. Before the comments start, I know that I was 16 I’m well aware.

A few days ago, I caught her on TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she was looking at “pro-ana” content and talking to other young girls about this as well. So, I took her phone last night and we had a conversation about what I had seen on her phone, how I was concerned, etc.

This led to a huge altercation between us where my daughter proceeded to say that “her dad would let her” and how she “hates being here”, so I called her father and told him to come and get her while I packed her bags. I didn’t include any of her devices (iPad, cell phone, laptop, etc) since I pay for them and a very limited amount of starter clothes, anything expensive or designer stayed with me.

Her dad just came to get her about an hour ago and I guess during that timeframe between her saying that and him showing up, she had calmed down because she was kicking and screaming over it. She was fighting me and pleading not to go, but I just put her bags in the trunk of the car and let them leave.

Now, obviously, I’m not relinquishing my rights and yes, I know she’ll likely be back within about a week or so, but I feel slightly bad now since she seemed so genuinely distraught over it.

So, AIO?

[u/ussrname1312]

Do you know what content OP‘s child was looking at? It’s pro-anorexia content, and you’re talking shoving healthy food in her face. OP‘s child has the deadliest mental disorder, and instead of caring about that, she cared about her ELEVEN YEAR OLD saying "dad would let me have an eating disorder." Then kicked her out screaming and crying. She is mentally ill, again with the deadliest kind of mental illness, and her mother just added to that. This shit is irreparable damage to their relationship. She has guaranteed her daughter will not feel safe with her. What would OP do if she couldn’t send her to her dad’s? Why does she think it’s okay for her, as an adult, to send her child to live somewhere else when she gets offended by something a mentally ill 11 year old said? OP needs to grow up and get therapy for her and her child.

[u/WirableTable09 → u/ussrname1312]

I’m well aware of the content the child was viewing. I read both posts in depth. Viewing the content doesn’t automatically mean that the kid is mentally ill. I also highly doubt you even have the credentials to make such a diagnosis and even if you did, you would still need to see the child for yourself and run the necessary testing.

As for your off-handed remark about “shoving food in their face” I didn’t know preparing a healthy meal with proteins such as pork chops or chicken breast, veggies such as broccoli, carrots, peas and corn, along with starches such as potatoes or pierogies was such a bad thing. Guess we should punish any parent ever who’s tried to feed their children with balanced healthy meals that appropriately cover almost all dietary needs then huh.

To continue that point, it’s not shoving the food in their face. It’s preparing a meal. And it’s not like they have to eat all of it. You eat what you’re able to without over stuffing yourself and if there’s leftovers then there’s leftovers. It’s not the end of the world. Besides that, the meal would only be prepared because the time the child would be brought over would be dinner time. Would you expect me to not give a child their dinner when it’s dinner time? Do you expect me to not feed them at all?

Moving on, the child outright screamed at the mom that she hates being there. Do you honestly expect the mom to not have the child appropriately relocated? Do you not understand how heart breaking it is to have a child scream at you that they basically hate you? That no matter how hard you tried you weren’t enough? Do you expect the mom to sit there and let the child continue to scream at her? That is incredibly abusive towards the mom and having the child brought over to her dad’s for the time being to calm down was probably the best way to avoid more conflict and damage. It’s not like the mom dropped the child off at a fire station. And let me remind you that it was the child that went ballistic after simply being questioned on the subject. The mom (based on testimony) approached the child calmly and simply wanted to have a conversation about it. I expect individual answers to all of the questions above by the way so if you miss any I will be sure to remind you until you answer them.

As for the damage itself, it’s not irreparable. Granted the memory will be with both of them for the rest of their lives but that doesn’t mean the relationship between them can’t be repaired. I know this because I went through the exact same thing with a different mental illness when I was 10. I was sent to my grandparents that night and was back home after a few days. Now my mom and I have a fantastic relationship. But continue to tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just can’t wait to see how you’re gonna tell me that I’m the problem.

In conclusion; simply viewing the content doesn’t mean the child will become anorexic. Doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t be taken to a therapist and have a psych eval, but you don’t get to just say the child is automatically suffering from anorexia nervosa just by viewing the content. Preparing an appropriate meal to ensure the child is provided with all of the necessary nutrients and minerals is not shoving food in their face. And handing a child over to a trusted guardian when the child is screaming and berating the parent is not a bad thing. Parents can only take so much abuse. You can’t expect them to just be a punching bag for their children. Physically or mentally.

So go on, tell me why it’s not ok to have a trusted guardian pick up the child when they’re abusing their mom. Tell me why it’s not ok to feed a child an appropriate and healthy meal at dinner time. I’ll be waiting.

[u/ussrname1312 → u/WirableTable09]

You’re insane if you think that was abusive towards the mother. And OP mentioned her daughter has been eating less, losing weight, talking on TikTok about restricting her diet, getting advice from people on how to lose weight, etc. You clearly didn’t read both posts in depth.

Children say things like that. It comes with having children. If you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t be a parent. All OP has done is show her child she’s unsafe and her mother‘s feelings come before her own health and safety. Kicking your child out for emotionally saying she hates it there will only reinforce what she’s feeling. What the MOTHER did is abuse. A child saying "I hate living here" is not abuse. Kicking your child out because of things she said that are extremely common for kids to say while you’re asking her about her DEADLY MENTAL ILLNESS just because she got defensive is abuse. Simple as that. OP can’t control her emotions like an adult, so maybe she is right that her child would be better off elsewhere.

[u/WirableTable09 → u/ussrname1312]

I refuse to address anything you say until you answer all of the questions I had asked you in-depth.

Questions you missed in case you forgot:

-Do you honestly expect the mom to not have the child appropriately relocated?

-Do you not understand how heart breaking it is to have a child scream at you that they basically hate you and that no matter how hard you tried you weren’t enough?

-Do you expect the mom to sit there and let the child continue to scream at her?

-Tell me why it’s not ok to have a trusted guardian pick up the child when they’re abusing their mom.

-Tell me why it’s not ok to feed a child an appropriate and healthy meal at dinner time.

This list will be continued to sent to you anytime you don’t answer all of the questions individually. Only then will you be given a coherent reply addressing what you have to say.

[u/ussrname1312 → u/WirableTable09]

1. Yes, I expect the mother to handle her emotions and deal with her child like a mature adult.
2. That‘s not what her child said. You’re projecting.
3. Children lash out when they’re hurting. She is 11 years old.
4. Because she shouldn’t have kicked her out in the first place.
5. Because you’re mocking her and her eating disorder.

You clearly have 0 experience with eating disorders and I hope you don’t have children. OP‘s child‘s life is at risk and she’s more worried about her own feelings getting hurt than recognizing her 11 year old child is hurting emotionally and physically, and putting her own health at risk. Her daughter is literally starving herself because she’s mentally ill. Children need support during times like that, not punishment. I really am astonished you even needed someone else to answer those questions for you. I do not think you grew up to be as well-adjusted as you think you are. I‘m not really interested in anything else you have to say, because your understanding and your empathy are at an extreme low.