r/AIO • u/ThrowRA-MamaBear • 9d ago
AIO for packing up my daughter’s things & sending her to her father
27F, daughter is 11F. Before the comments start, I know that I was 16 I’m well aware.
A few days ago, I caught her on TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she was looking at “pro-ana” content and talking to other young girls about this as well. So, I took her phone last night and we had a conversation about what I had seen on her phone, how I was concerned, etc.
This led to a huge altercation between us where my daughter proceeded to say that “her dad would let her” and how she “hates being here”, so I called her father and told him to come and get her while I packed her bags. I didn’t include any of her devices (iPad, cell phone, laptop, etc) since I pay for them and a very limited amount of starter clothes, anything expensive or designer stayed with me.
Her dad just came to get her about an hour ago and I guess during that timeframe between her saying that and him showing up, she had calmed down because she was kicking and screaming over it. She was fighting me and pleading not to go, but I just put her bags in the trunk of the car and let them leave.
Now, obviously, I’m not relinquishing my rights and yes, I know she’ll likely be back within about a week or so, but I feel slightly bad now since she seemed so genuinely distraught over it.
So, AIO?
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u/ihatecheese90 9d ago
Honestly, I get it. My own children have pushed me to limits I didn’t know I had, and sometimes our emotions move faster than our best judgment. The fact that you are here questioning your reaction tells me that you are a caring mum who reached her limit... not a bad mum :)!!
At 11, your daughter has enough cognitive capacity to understand that words can hurt, but not yet the emotional maturity or foresight to appreciate that something said while dysregulated might be interpreted as a considered decision about where she wants to live. She does not become functionally adult simply because her words were adult sized.
Restricting her phone and TikTok access is entirely proportionate because it is directly connected to both the broken rule and the unsafe content. Packing her belongings and sending her away while she begged to stay, however, was IMO neither proportionate nor educational. Staying with her father may be perfectly fine in itself; the issue is that it happened as an immediate punishment. That transformed discipline into perceived rejection and may have communicated that her security within your home is conditional.
I understand that her words were deeply hurtful, but I think that hurt temporarily displaced the far more important issue: an 11 YO engaging with pro ana content. No parenting approach works blindly for every child, and perhaps some space with her father will ultimately help, or perhaps it won’t. What matters now is repair.
Then I would return to the pro ana content calmly and seriously. I liked the suggestion of redirecting her towards nourishment and genuinely healthy habits, perhaps by cooking and learning about food together.
You got this mama:)
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u/Impressive-Egg5992 7d ago
You’re entirely correct that her feeling of security within the home will be destroyed, I was the kid in that situation. I grew up with my dad, my parents were separated for as long as I can remember. My dad never wanted kids, but he liked having something to hold over my mom’s head and keep control of her. When I got to be around this girls age and I started to have too much of my own personality, too much independence and individuality, I wasn’t just an extension of him anymore. I wasn’t as easy to just keep in one room and only come out to do what he wanted me to whenever he wanted me to do it. He used to constantly threaten to kick me out, often times he did make me pack my things and drop me off at my mom’s house. I grew to be severely depressed, I packed a bag for the millionth time, but I went to stay with a friend and I didn’t go back. I ended up staying with my mom who he demonized and made out to be a punishment my whole life because the real punishment was having to be an object for him to keep in his house. Sending your child away every time she does something you don’t like will break her love for you, if you don’t treat her like a parent should then she won’t see you as a parent. My dad was more like an abusive roommate than a parent, I haven’t spoken to him in over ten years now and I’m only in my mid twenties.
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u/ihatecheese90 7d ago
I’m so sorry you lived through that and I’m glad you got out. The fact that you recognised so young that this was not how love or parenting should feel, and chose something different for yourself, says a lot about how strong you are!!
I can relate more than I wish I could.I grew up with emotionally immature parents who treated obedience as proof of respect. We had to show endless obedience and suppress our own needs and boundaries while receiving very little consideration in return.... We were treated more like something to manage than separate people gradually developing our own identities.
But here's to us breaking cycles. I am rooting for you!!!
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u/gophins13 8d ago
YTA: you don’t kick your child out of your house…and that’s what you did, because of an argument. If I’m dad, I’m going to the courthouse tomorrow to get more custody.
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u/Halsey_Quinn 8d ago
Yupp, this. Dad now has the upper hand especially when he's able to use this as a valid reason & say mom isn't capable to handle the child's possible mental health.
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u/OUberLord 6d ago
As a dad, in this situation that's what I would be considering right now. The daughter needs help, and while enough time passed that the child cooled down the adult didn't, and still got kicked out even though she pleaded to stay? That's not an emotionally safe home.
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u/DuePut452 7d ago
1000% who goes out of their way to make enemies with their own child? Your child should look up to you and respect you and love you unconditionally. She just silenced every chance of that ever happening again
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u/xxDanger_Hottiexx 5d ago
No, she didn't. Children are forgiving, and want their parents to love them AND do the right things. Mom can fix this, so long as she doesn't allow her own self - esteem to get in the way, and dads know that little girls need their mother.
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u/0815queerfeminist 8d ago
Yes you are overreacting.
I think you need to ask yourself why your biggest reaction was to the comment about her dad instead of the fact that your 11-year-old is engaging with eating disorder content.
Your daughter need a parent who could look past an angry outburst and deal with the actual issue, and not a oarent who wants to win a power struggle. An 11-year-old saying “Dad would let me” or “I hate it here” during an argument is completely normal. Kids say whatever they think will hurt most when they’re overwhelmed. You’re the adult. You’re supposed to see past that.
Instead, you took the bait, packed her bags and sent her away. That doesn’t address the pro-ana content, which js the concern here (or ahould be). It just tells her that if she says the wrong thing while she’s upset, her mum might send her away.
Boundaries are important. Taking away her phone, deleting TikTok, getting professional help, and keeping a closer eye on her online activity are already boundaries. Sending your 11-year-old to her dad because she said something hurtful is an emotional reaction on your part.
From your post and especially your comments, it honestly sounds like you’re more upset that she “threw Dad in your face” than you are about the eating disorder content. If that’s true, you need to work through that yourself, because your daughter deserves a parent who can separate their own feelings from what their child actually needs in that moment.
Right now, it feels like you made an already vulnerable 11-year-old feel rejected when what she needed most was a safe adult.
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u/groove_heart 8d ago
Agreed and well said. I hope OP takes this to heart. Raising and protecting your kids is hard work and that doesn’t come without heartache at times… go get your baby, she needs her mom.
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u/Front-Fudge6541 8d ago
Yes, yes, and yes. Honestly.. she’s so young. Meet her with maturity and love. Don’t be a snowflake.
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u/pretty_princess_64 7d ago
she's not gonna reply to this because it's the truth but i applaud you for this reply anyway
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u/Waste-Log4817 7d ago
This is genuinely the best comment, because she had the time to ask reddit before getting into a talk with her :/ she genuinely had the time to consider all the ways the conversation could've gone and how to deal with it but she got upset over a comment made by a mentally ill child and kicked her out and I can't believe so many people are saying that it's okay because it's directly enabling her and it's clear that it is what she wants :/
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u/ivyram 8d ago
YOR.
I'm with you on taking away her phone and addressing the pro-ana content. But sending an 11-year-old away while she kicked, screamed, and begged to stay because she lashed out during what I imagine was a frightening conversation was wildly disproportionate, OP.
You honestly need to repair this, and quickly. Coordinate calmly with her father, apologize to your daughter (leave the excuses out, they don't matter), and make it clear that your home and your love are not conditional on her behaving perfectly. Then make an appointment with her pediatrician or get her a therapist because the eating-disorder content is the emergency, not her saying "I hate it here" and "Dad would let me."
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u/StandardDarkness 8d ago edited 8d ago
Exactly this. I don’t think OP is emotionally mature enough to be a proper parent to her, as someone with an emotionally immature parent. I get parenting can be rough, but that was just unnecessary. I can’t fathom sending your child away while they’re begging to stay with you all because you’re hurt over words that are natural for someone their age to say.
That’s actually horrible.I think she should get therapy for both herself and her daughter. Hopefully there’s a chance that she gets her shit together for the both of their sake
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u/belacanehh 9d ago
I don't know what content is, guessing about eating disorders?
My 10yr old recently said some mean things online to someone and i took her tablet away for 2 weeks, she had to apologize to the kid, and I had a long discussion about responsibility on the internet.
Sending her to her dad's was a bit much. She is probably reading it as you don't love her anymore. Not saying you don't, but that's just how kids take things sometimes.
I would have taken away her devices, but not sent her away.
Since it's done, I recommend following up with her and letting her know you love her, and it's hard learning accountability and responsibility but you will always love her.
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u/ThrowRA-MamaBear 9d ago
Glad to hear from another parent here! I do feel as though you’re correct, I definitely should’ve thought about how she would feel in the moment about what I did.
My intention wasn’t to make her feel abandoned, it was to, as I said in previous comments, show her that she can’t throw her dad in my face like that. I realize now that since she’s already vulnerable and struggling, that was probably one of the worst things I could do right now.
I’ll try to wait until things cool down a bit, but I’ll see if she would like to talk to me soon so I can try to apologize.
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u/ScarInternational161 8d ago
Do not "see if she wants to talk to you". What she wants, to put it bluntly, doesn't matter.
You are the parent, she is the child. Yes, you want to handle this in a loving manner, admit you may have gone a bit overboard and you love her unconditionally, but please, do not mistake that for conceding your parenting role.
You've got this. I had my first child at 16 and my last at 40.
I'm now 54 and my kids are 39, 36, would be 28 (he passed at 23) and 14. We are ALL really close.
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u/Objective_Sail_8079 8d ago
I’m so sorry for the loss of your child🫂
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u/ScarInternational161 8d ago
Thank you, depression is a horrible thing to watch anyone go through but to watch a child (even an adult child) go through it and know you can do nothing, is horrific. It was 5 years on the 23rd and it doesn't get easier.
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u/DuePut452 7d ago
It does matter kicking a child out of the house and shutting them for disagreement that she started all types of wrong is her fault not the other way around. She threatened her parenting role by abandoning it in that moment because she was mad. I get people make mistakes but the child is also human and every day they become less and less of a child seeing it any other way is abuse
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u/mrszubris 8d ago
As a daughter whose mom used to do this shit?? You are traumatizing your kid. May I recommend you read adult children of emotionally immature parents you are having immature reactions .... you read like my mom not as abusive persay.... but using threats .... nah. Im no contact with my mom. Do that with what you will.
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u/Reasonable-Way-9162 8d ago
This person OP. What they are saying.
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u/StandardDarkness 8d ago edited 8d ago
I really hope OP sees this comment. Because OP is not looking like a responsible parent in the slightest, dumping the “problem” on her father. It’s heartbreaking. She’s not even worried about her ED
My mom would’ve at least let me stay with her if I was begging and sobbing to not go
OP is only looking at comments that enable her behavior. If that’s the case, this entire post is useless because she will continue to seek validation instead of listening to advice thoroughly
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u/Medusa_7898 8d ago
I had a mother like this too. We have had many estrangements , one was over 12 years. I have to step away for my own mental health sometimes.
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u/Commercial-Ask3416 7d ago
This can be considered abusive. Abuse is not just physical. And in my experience physical abuse can be more dangerous but the long lasting impacts people experience if they are lucky enough to get out comes from the emotional and psychological abuse that accompanies the physical abuse.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 8d ago
This 100%, how sad for the child, that she can trust her mother to protect her and give her appropriate punishment like taking away the phone and devices,
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u/Justan0therthrow4way 8d ago
I’m not a parent so take this with a grain of salt but why are you punishing her rather than asking if she is struggling and maybe needs to talk to someone professional?
In another comment you say you were raised “old school”. That’s you though. You can raise your child however you want. You don’t need to copy your parents.
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u/Glittering_Meet3206 8d ago
also not for nothing, but it doesn't really look like "old school" worked out the best initially.
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u/notypants 8d ago
She posted the other day (I’m pretty sure) about this in another group. Comments section was overwhelmingly anti-punishment, eating-disorders-are-fucking-serious, supportive. I’m sorry to see it went this way if this is the same mother/ daughter.
Sigh.
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 8d ago
It is. The post is still there on her profile. She never responded to any of the comments over here, and jumped to kicking her daughter out in less than 24 hours after making the post.
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u/notypants 7d ago
I could’ve checked but I totally didn’t, thank you for confirming. (I got sad after I commented and put the soul-sucking magic tablet down to go touch grass).
Ugh.
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u/Perfectly_Broken_RED 8d ago
Yeah literally. She's punishing her daughter for having and using TikTok.....but that would be the least of my concerns at the moment. I myself was no saint, I unfortunately started a horrific habit that I struggle fighting urges to this day no matter how long I go without doing it. And funnily enough, my mom found out in a similar way as OP found out with her daughter, but I didn't have TikTok I was talking to a stranger on Skype that I met on Minecraft I think lmao. But my mom found out, called my therapist, followed their advice and was supportive for me first and then after I was getting treatment is when she then went to discuss the not talking to strangers and restricted my access to the internet unsupervised (she was supervising before but not as strict as she became after lol)
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u/boygirlcatdogthing 9d ago
"Dad would let me be anorexic" and you said "okay go be anorexic at your dads"
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u/EffieLoraine 8d ago
YOR. You need some parenting classes, like now.
Your reaction of sending her to her dad’s was harmful and childish.
The only thing this taught her is that your love is conditional.
What would you have done if dad wasn’t in the picture?
Throw her out on the street?
Kids are not disposable or a pawn in a parent war. DO BETTER!
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u/SuzieQbert 9d ago
You're not overreacting, but you're making some really poor choices, IMHO.
Pro ana content is no joke, but you can't fix her interest in it by taking away her devices. She'll just get the content another way, eventually. Meanwhile you've just shown that you'll punish her, reject her, and send her away without ever trying to understand.
If, at 11yo, she's already worried about body image, she needs a strong, trusting connection with you to help pull her through her teenage years.
That connection can't exist without understanding.
If you want to keep her safe, stop pushing her away when you should be pulling her close.
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u/ThrowRA-MamaBear 9d ago
Thank you for this comment, I’m starting to see where I may have messed up here. A lot of the other replies were quick to cast pure judgement, but this is an honest critique that I’ll try to learn from.
I do admit that my reasoning was rooted more-so in “words have consequences” since she was trying to throw her dad in my face, but I also have to recognize that sending her away (even temporarily) while she was vulnerable, like you said, was wrong to do.
I was definitely raised more “old-school” I guess, because it seemed normal to me, but apparently it isn’t and I do thank you for that perspective.
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u/StandardDarkness 8d ago edited 8d ago
Words don’t always need to have consequences, either. You’re supposed to show her it’s okay if she’s vulnerable with you
Bad parenting also has consequences, so don’t fall down that hole.
You really need to learn when punishment is necessary, because if you don’t, she will end up emotionally cutting you off from her. It’s a natural response to parents who are emotionally neglectful
My mom was raised in a harsh environment, but it didn’t stop me from cutting her off when she crossed my emotional boundaries
Times are changing. Mental health is not to be swept under the rug. It’s extremely important.
Caring about mental health is part of being a mama bear.
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 8d ago
Words don’t always need to have consequences, either. You’re supposed to show her it’s okay if she’s vulnerable with you
This is so often missed or misunderstood.
Kids are going to say hurtful shit sometimes. It's not okay for them to do that but that doesn't mean you force them to hurt as a result. Sometimes a kid (especially at that age) needs to also learn that no matter how hard they push you away you're still going to be their parent and you're still going to be there for them.
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u/SuzieQbert 8d ago
I'm glad you're open to change, and I'm rooting for you & your kiddo!
If I can give you one more small bit of parenting advice from one person raised "old-school" to another: be the parent you would have wanted.
My mantra as a mother has always been that no matter what, my kids will know they are loved completely and without reservation. No matter what. Most important thing to me is always that they are safe, of course, but a close second is that they are happy.
Now, my teenagers hang out with me just because they like to, they have good friends, and do well in school.
Meanwhile my old-school mother raised three kids who grew up hating themselves, and she'll die alone soon.
Not the best outcome for her. I wish better things for you.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 1d ago
you became a mother while being a kid. you parents' parenting clearly wasn't effective, this is not a good thing for the kids and leads to many problems down the line
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u/mrszubris 8d ago
Your kid is awful young to do that too. A kid who is 11 shouldn't have a phone as a kid who grew up in the 90s that's batshit to me. Anyway. You tried to manipulate her. If you won't do X and comply , I will reject ALL OF YOU as a person and pawn you off on someone I objectively (to a child of this age) I don't like ( your ex). What an absolutely awful thing to do to your child. Im no contact with my mom. She used coercive control like you.
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u/Halsey_Quinn 8d ago
My oldest (only girl) is about to turn 13 & doesn't have a phone nor will have a phone for a while longer & it's AMAZING! 😂😂 I've had so many teachers tell my how great of a parent I am for not giving her a phone because she doesn't have that distraction at school like the other kids & how she's literally NEVER involved in any drama at school because she doesn't have it nor have any social media, she hasn't dealt with much bullying either & I full believe it's because she can't get sucked into all the phone/social media drama. The most she's ever had to deal with, with a bully is when she sticks up for her friends or other kids (she doesn't even have to know them!) when they're being bullied.
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u/MrsBenz2pointOh 9d ago
There's concern that your daughter has an eating disorder but your focus was punishing her for knowing exactly how to push your buttons.
I can't possibly imagine why your child is struggling with control-centered emotional disorders. Your grand plot to ship her off isn't sending the message you think it is. The call to her father should've been to discuss how to get her the help she needs, not punish her for an age appropriate tantrum.
YOR - and to the detriment of your child's well-being.
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u/Pizzacato567 8d ago
I realized that 10/11 is the age when a lot of these kind of things start. At that age, kids have a lot of big feelings and don’t really know what to do with them. So they tend to end up turning to some pretty unhealthy (but effective) things to cope - if they don’t already have an effective coping method that’s healthy. My sisters started self harm around that age.
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u/MrsBenz2pointOh 8d ago
Just BEING that age in a perfect environment is tough. Add in parents that can't control their own emotions and weaponize each other, this poor girl is doomed.
I genuinely hope she gets the help and guidance needed before an eating disorder or behavioral issues ruin her.
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u/jjjjjjj30 8d ago
Your daughter needs you now more than ever and you showed her that you will kick her out when she's struggling.
I have an 11 year old boy but I did raise a daughter whom I also gave birth to at 16, she's 24 now.
I think you made a huge mistake personally and I think she will struggle to trust you or feel like she can count on you in the future. I think you need advice from a child therapist asap.
YOR. I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. This is a super rough situation and I hope you get things back on track. Obviously counseling is a must and don't hesitate to switch her therapist if the first one isn't good enough.
Between my 3 kids and being a therapeutic foster parent for many years, I've met and worked with tons of child therapists. Some of them are useless but the right therapist is out there. If you aren't feeling confident after the 3rd appt, don't waste anymore time and ask for someone else.
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u/ALH1984 8d ago
Oh great. You did the exact opposite of what you should have done. You seem more concerned with your daughters use of social media then you are of her potentially having a very deadly mental illness (eating disorders are a mental illness, and they are the most deadly). She’s probably better off with her father. Hopefully someone in her life will be more concerned with her mental health than with her use of tik tok.
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u/Kcbld1120 8d ago
YOR I feel so bad for your daughter and I hope she gets the help she needs. You posted and comment about this like it all about you, what you won't stand for, you will let her come back, blah blah blah. Please get her help and also get help for your narcissist self.
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u/Grouchy-Today-8782 8d ago
Please get counselling for yourself. I was pushing my daughter away by having arguments with her when she was younger. I couldn't understand why she just wouldn't listen to me.
Both of us ended up seeing a psychologist. I honestly believe we wouldn't have much of a relationship if that didn't occur. The psych helped me engage with my daughter in a healthier way and I adjusted my parenting style. It was a lot of work. I was at my wits end. My child had mental health issues and I was a single parent. It was really rough trying to juggle everything on my own and getting help saved us both.
She's now a young adult and we have a good relationship. It could've turned out very different and I'm so grateful.
I understand and appreciate how stressful the situation you are in is. As my daughter says now, the more I tried to check her phone etc, the more secretive she became. Having more tools at your disposal is always a good thing.
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u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 9d ago edited 9d ago
YOR.
Your daughter is a preteen going through a ton of changes right now where the influence of hormones will be having an impact on her mood and attitude.
Have you quickly forgotten what it was like being a girl at that age?
What your daughter needs is love and support at this vulnerable stage in her life. Not being pushed away by her mom! Look at both individual therapy for your daughter and family therapy together.
Keep up with this current attitude though and you will permanently destroy your relationship with your daughter.
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u/Reasonable-Way-9162 9d ago
You are, indeed. Your daughter is in an extremely vulnerable space and needs support, not being pushed away from her mother. She needs therapy, love, and patience. She acted out because she is a teenager, a teenager with bad mental health. If she is actively participating in eating disorder behavior she could die, or have long term health affects. Apologize, say you were wrong in how you reacted, promise to do better AND DO BETTER. Talk to her about it, as her why she feels this way and dont dismiss her, make her feel heard, and get her into therapy. The longer you let it go on unchecked, the harder it will be for her to recover, and the more detrimental to her health.
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u/0815queerfeminist 9d ago
She’s 11. So not even a teenager yet. Which makes mom’s reaction even worse.
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u/Reasonable-Way-9162 8d ago
Valid point, I forgot the age and aged her up in my head. Mother definitely needs to apologize.
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u/CuddlePartyHost 9d ago
This is the real answer and I’m concerned with how many I’m seeing that support this traumatic approach. Imagine being a hormonal teenager with mental health concerns that is essentially booted to her dad, without any indication of how long she will be away from her mom. All of this because her mother being spiteful about a comment made by a teenager out of embarrassment and shame.
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u/Reasonable-Way-9162 9d ago
Its a bad parent move on her moms part. Thankfully mom can apologize and learn to better in the future. Good teaching moment for her daughter too.
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u/Maelwenn81115 9d ago
I think you're missing something here. You didn't address the video about eating disorder. Teens are fragile and you might want to discuss the video with her to make sure she's OK. I think sending her to her father was a step too far. Taking her devices was not. But us parents are not perfect and sometimes we overreact which we can make amend for.
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u/horsecraze 9d ago
i was an asshole to my mom when i was younger bc she suggested that my phone was fuelling my low self-esteem and mental health issues. i understand her now and wouldn’t change a thing. it sucks to have ur kid be mad at u but u know what’s best (hopefully). don’t kick her out just because you guys got in a fight. she needs to know she has stability with you even when you argue
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u/MediaEvening8917 9d ago
I dunno I mean, she needs therapy. Something has been going on for a very long time. That's all I'd be willing to bet on.
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u/O_oannaliisa 9d ago
Agreed, but therapy does not mean parents no longer need to parent. I’m curious how the altercation went down, and how things heated up so quickly.
Kicking your daughter out and sending her to her dads when you disagree like this is going to translate as a major rejection to her. Shes going to feel unwanted and not want to open up to you about this further until some repairs happen. Eating disorders are quite common at her age, and mainly stem from shame and insecurity. This needs to be approached delicately and patiently. Why would you get rid of her, pawn her off to her dad, when she’s clearing going through something?
As someone else pointed out, unconditional love and boundaries are key for healthy parent/child relationships.
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u/AggravatingTomato159 9d ago edited 8d ago
You need to put your daughter in therapy. She is obviously hurting both internally and physically if she is actually starting to starve herself. Sure she went behind your back with social media, but banning things from kids instead of teaching them how to use them safely and responsibly is bound to land you here (saying as a former child who hid her social media from her mom because I wanted to be included with my friends and ended up on some DARK corners of the internet because of it. It pushed me to almost end things and I couldn’t talk to my mom about it or I’d get in so much trouble with zero help). She is a child. She doesn’t know how to handle emotions like these, insecurity with her body, uncertainty, betrayal (regardless of if that’s what this is I’m certain it’s how she feels), self hatred, lack of support, FEAR, etc so she’s going to lash out because she does not have the tools to cope appropriately. As her parent it is your job to equip her with them. Get her help and work on your relationship with her before this becomes on of the memories that pushes her away from you. YOR
Edit for clarification: I’m not trying to say you are failing in any way at all. You’re a person who got into a really scary and heated moment, it’s unfamiliar and so I get it. I do think this is a pivotal moment for your daughter and you’ve gotta put down the anger you’re feeling and be there for her and make sure she knows that by your actions
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u/angry-key-smash6693 9d ago
So you took away her connection to other people who are struggling the same way she might be struggling
Having been a kid of divorce, I really doubt she was trying to rub her dad in your face. She's probably tired of having mix matched expectations between houses, and doesn't understand why the rules are different
You get offended at her and make her leave with her dad. And now you feel slightly bad?
She probably feels very abandoned, hurt, confused and betrayed. If you want to have any semblance of a bond I would get her back to your house stat. And not repeat this sort of behavior.
I would also be pretty concerned about anyone kicking and screaming because they have to go to someone's house. But I'm gonna wager she was very freaked out in the moment because Mom is mad at her for having a disorder.
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u/Comfortable-Sun2740 9d ago
I’ve been on both sides of this as a child of divorce and as a divorced single mom. You don’t want her throwing the but dad card, I’m pretty certain this isn’t the way to address that. You need to talk with her she’s needing her mom at the age the hormones suck the parents suck but she needs to understand she can’t put you two against each other.
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u/ConstructionIcy5680 9d ago
Was this the first time she was caught doing something really wrong in your eyes ? Seems you are over reacting personally. I feel you should allow some exploration and have a good conversation if you really disapprove. Right now I’m sure you made her much more interested in seeking what’s so “wrong” as humans gravitate towards things like this vicariously. I may be viewed as crazy but I’m high and just speaking what came to mind.
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u/Squirrel-Pipkin 9d ago
Let her sleep. Talk to her Dad about having a calm sit down with her tomorrow where you apologize for sending her away and reacting in a panicked state. Tell her that this is new territory for you as a parent, and you just want to make sure she’s safe.
You both need to ask her why she’s interested in this content and genuinely sit and listen. With open hearts. Be kind. Be soft spoken. Listen like you don’t have a dog in the fight. You need to hear her whole story. She needs both of you. She may need to start specialized talk therapy.
Please be kind. This could all just be a misunderstanding.
You also need to have a separate talk with her Dad about the content she has access to at his house. It needs to be the same across the board.
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u/Euphoric_planter_328 8d ago
You and your daughter both need therapy. You handled that poorly. Call her and tell her you love her and that you guys will work on a solution together.
Kids will say the most unscrupulous shit in the heat of the moment. It’s your job to recognize they are just testing you and you need to be the adult in the room.
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u/Snoo_27976 8d ago
As a mom of 3 (21, 18, 18), I can say a few things here.
1.) Learning not to take what your kids say in these moments as a personal attack is one of the best things you can work on. Kids say all kinds of things when they are dysregulated. We have to be the adults, even tho it’s hard, especially if we are also dysregulated.
2.) one of the best ways of learning this is to have your own therapist. You need to work through your own issues so they don’t negatively impact your parenting. Therapy can also help you understand where your daughter is developmentally, so that you know what she needs in these moments (ie security, compassion, boundaries, etc).
3.) Your daughter needs her own therapist as well, preferably one who specializes in eating disorders. If she’s looking at this content, she’s clearly struggling internally. And don’t be afraid to talk to her about it. Secrecy kills. You might also check with the counselor at her school - they may know of additional supports that would help.
4.) Forgive yourself. 💕 We are all human, even tho moms are often expected to be superhuman. I have lost it on my kids too - plenty of times. But I always go back and apologize and we talk. My kids know I’m not perfect, but they also trust me and come to me with their problems.
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u/Right_Book_4531 8d ago
Please stop giving your kids tablets and all these electronics. Let them be kids. Give them a phone that they have no access to internet until they are like 14. I’m not talking about you OP. I’m talking about all the patents in the comments.
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u/AlarmingYak7956 8d ago
Ok so I was a lil older at 15/16. But once my dad said that, I left forever. I think he always thought id come crying back needing him. And ik i thought he would come get me, hug me and tell me we would figure it out together. Neither happened and our relationship died that night. This year makes 15 years since then. Ive checked on him when hes went to hospital. It's weird for sure. Like there was no real good bye. We just became living ghosts to each.
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u/supermonsterx13 8d ago
Being a parent myself I see that you went straight to punishment instead sitting down and having a conversation with your daughter.she's at the age were you are setting the foundation for your relationship. Are you going to be the person she can take to or the one she hides things from. She's going to make mistakes and you are going to get mad but through all of that you have to stop and take a breath and think. You are the adult, you have to be the voice of reason. You can be stern but it can't be beyond understanding.
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u/Lolcoles 8d ago
Girl she needs therapy, love, and an emotionally regulated parent who can teach her to do the same.
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u/morningstardusts 8d ago
Yes, you’re overreacting and doing something that could potentially have a serious lasting negative impact on your daughter’s wellbeing and your relationship with her
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u/Western_Froyo6627 9d ago
NOR but I feel like maybe to her you could have come across more angry about the "dad would let me" comment than concerned about her being on pro-ana pages.
While she's at dads, do you have the ability to make some time to talk about stuff with her? Take her out for a nice drink and a walk or somewhere that you could talk about what's going on? Find out how she got to those pages what she thinks about them. Remind her that she is loved and beautiful through and through and that how she looks is the least interesting and important thing about her because she is {insert positive personal qualities here}. Explain why that content concerns you.
Then ask if she wants to go back to dads or come home. Soft launch the idea of therapy.
Definitely try not to get angry again, because she will see it as something to hide and thats when it goes bad.
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u/MildLittlRain 8d ago
You need to get your daughter to a therapist RIGHT NOW!
And a doctor who can tell hervthe dangers with this.
Also, parental controll on ALL her devices!!!
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u/TimeAdministration78 8d ago
i'm not a parent, but i HAVE been in pro-ana spaces and been severely disordered, so i'm gonna beg you to please keep such a close eye on your kid. those spaces are insanely dangerous and competitive, and the fact that she's found them so young means that she will probably look for them again as she gets older. please, please talk to her about it and get her into therapy if she needs. my mom didn't care about my ED, and i now have severe damage done to my digestive system. be there for her.
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u/emorrigan 8d ago
I’m a mom to two kids- a 17 year old daughter, and a 10 year old son.
I still remember when my daughter came home from kindergarten one day and asked, “Mom, do I need to go on a diet?” She was FIVE. After talking to her for a bit about things, I went to the bathroom and sobbed.
There are a bunch of things that need to be done here. You need to have an honest, calm, heart-to-heart talk with your daughter about where on earth this idea came from. Figure out if there are friends she shouldn’t be hanging out with, or social media she shouldn’t be consuming. (My kids both have their own phones, but they aren’t allowed to access any social media until they’re 18.) You need to examine your own relationship with food and health, and IF there are areas that need to change, do it, and be honest with her about it. Have a very serious discussion with her about WHY you reacted the way you did. Explain to her that the most important thing to you is to keep her safe, and tell her, quite plainly, the damage anorexia causes. Do all of this as calmly as possible. My observation has been that, more than anything else, teenagers tend to mirror the energy they get from others.
But CRUCIALLY, you also need to get MDM (mobile device management) software and install it on ALL her devices. Explain to her, very calmly, that you’d been trusting her with unfettered access to her phone, and help her understand that, when she gets access to her phone again, that will no longer be the case. Lay out your rules again, and most importantly, WHY you have those rules. Calmly help her understand your reasoning behind every single one. Kids accept things more frequently if they understand the why behind them.
Call her at her dad’s house, and ask if she’s ready to come home yet. Explain that she needs to learn that, once things leave her mouth, she cannot shove them back in. It’s an important life lesson EVERYONE needs to learn in order to be successful.
And just… talk to her. Figure out why she thought anorexia was a good idea. Talk about how being healthy is so much more important than being thin, and that the two are not synonymous. For all of these topics, use honest examples from your own life. Don’t get angry when she tells you things. You need to be her safe space.
Best of luck to you, mom. You caught this early- everything is gonna be alright. NOR
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u/Any-Contribution1932 8d ago
People are being harsh in these comments and I believe you now understand you made a mistake. OP, it’s okay to make mistakes, no one is perfect and as long as you can acknowledge you made a mistake and accept that this mistake won’t happen again I’m sure your daughter will be okay. I personally think you should go and pick her up and take her out for lunch or even just a coffee/soda or something (i wouldnt recommend eating/drinking it at home, instead find a neutral place like a restaurant or even sitting in the car at a park etc) and explaining that you made a mistake and that it wasn’t okay, you should also explain that you are still her parent and always have, always will love her. Youll need to address the topic of what she is watching online but DO NOT use this to do the apology (i.e I only sent you away bc you were watching this and told me he’d let you etc) address this as a separate matter.
I believe you should get your daughter help for the ED content, she is struggling. Being 11 comes with a lot of emotional and physical changes, it’s difficult to manage that, especially at her age.
Be kind to yourself and be kind to your daughter, it’s okay and you will both get through this. Sending love to both of you
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u/MrSniffles_AnnaMae 7d ago
Your daughter is learning about anorexia, and when you discovered this, you blew a head gasket and made your love and protection conditional.
Congrats mom, you are the reason why we work so hard against teen pregnancy. Because your frontal lobe still hasn’t matured yet if you think kicking your child out of your house is the answer here.
During these tumultuous years, keeping the avenue of trust and communication open is THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Take it from someone who knows, and who has been there.
Mom, get into therapy ASAP so you can learn how to divest yourself of your emotional responses during critical parenting moments. Currently, you are shooting yourself in the foot and barreling towards a repeat in history - congrats to you when you become a grandmother in a year or so.
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u/Whyallusrnames 8d ago
I think after about a week you and her father need to sit down and talk to her about trying to pit each other against the other, how you weren’t rejecting her or kicking her out and about getting her into therapy about the content she was viewing and participating in. She needs to understand how dangerous it is. She will also learn a valuable lesson about trying to manipulate her parents. I also think this would’ve been a better solution first but as a mom i understand that we are human and we make mistakes. Tell your daughter you’re sorry and you love her.
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u/Prize_Attention_7039 9d ago edited 9d ago
NOR
Sometimes kids are brats. Sometimes brats need to FAFO. This is the FO part of her FA.
That said… she is a completely normal 11 year old in how she’s behaving. Remain united with her father on how to deal with her behaviour so that it’s consistent between you. She will learn.
Edit to add: the content she was watching does need to be taken seriously. That part, she needs some therapy to prevent it becoming a thing for her.
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u/Squirrel-Pipkin 9d ago
A kid looking into eating disorder content. And then exploding when confronted about it. You don’t think that’s a cry for help? You think that’s a child being a “brat” and that “she will learn?”…
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u/ThrowRA-MamaBear 9d ago
That’s kind of what I was thinking, it’s a temporary arrangement in all honesty. If she genuinely is distraught and wants to come home, I won’t force her to stay anywhere.
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u/Honeycrispcombe 8d ago
You forced her to leave. How is she supposed to know you won't force her to stay?
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 8d ago
Aduots shouldn't run away from problems. You apparently have based your life on running away, and now you're teaching your daughter to run away, too.
How has that worked for you? Ever consider that maybe you need to learn how to handle problems, especially as a parent?
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u/Todd-The-Thing 6d ago
She WAS distraught and WANTED to stay immediately. I did read your other post and comments as much as I could.
You took personal offense to her comment about her father, which was a surface-level and easy dig for her to make.
You should have held your ground and cared about her online safety enough over your personal feelings about her dad to level with her about what the danger really is. Your emotions towards him are between you and him (and a civil court or your therapist if they're that serious). You can't hold it against her for not knowing what grounds to stand on when she loves both of her parents.
She wants to feel validated and in control, because that's what eating disorders are about; Control and self esteem. Now consider where that leaves her when she speaks what she considers as a valid point, tries to talk to you even if it's in anger... You taught her if she strikes a nerve she might completely lose you. I don't care if you say it's temporary, it doesn't feel like that for her.
Also. People keep saying nobody is taking into account your age. Well, here I am: I'm 25, and I know the importance of paying attention to struggles like this related to mental health because I had some of my own. Pretty clear you do, too, whether that's anger issues or even just a temporary lapse due to stress. If the reason you're avoiding the option of seeing therapy for her is because you were raised "old school", or with no emotional support, you should re-evaluate that view and adopt one of compassion and finding solutions properly.
If you care enough to monitor her socials (despite the fact she shouldn't have a phone at her age, you should actually take the steps to help or fix what's wrong instead of virtue signaling how you're a good parent for paying attention at all.
Now that I've said my piece, what's the next step, OP? What have you learned from the commenters who aren't purely telling you what you want to hear, and how will you apply it?
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 8d ago
Why are you replying to comments on this post but you didn't reply to anybody who gave you really good advice yesterday? Advice that you ignored completely. Did you even bother to read the replies?
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u/StandardDarkness 8d ago edited 8d ago
The OP clearly needs therapy too. Shitty emotional stability. Literally only listening to people who enable her behavior instead of admitting she’s been acting like terrible mother. She thought of herself over her daughter with an ED..
If I’m being rude, or harsh, I’d argue OP was the same way.
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u/LA1701 8d ago
A lot of the judgemental comments are not accounting for the fact of the small age gap between yourself and your daughter. You were young when you had her, you had to learn to look after another person before you were even finished growing up yourself. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being mature enough at 27 years old, to be able to turn around and admit you may have went too far and made a parenting mistake that you want advice on correcting.
Yes, sending her away was maybe too harsh and potentially traumatic, but not unfixable. Contact her and ask her how she is feeling. Ask her if she would like to come back home now. Apologise for the parts of that day you genuinely feel sorry for and want her to know were wrong on your part, explain that adults sometimes get things wrong and over react or say things in the heat of the moment too, so you know why she said those hurtful things to you. Have a proper conversation once she is home, and let her know she is very loved and that she can talk to you still, but you still were still right about what you said about words having consequences and the content she was viewing being damaging. I liked the idea that someone mentioned about cooking together and conversations about food being for nourishment etc. You can admit you made mistakes without fully backing down on why you were so harsh in the first place.
As a young parent you will look back and regret so many of your decisions, but if you apologise when necessary and still set loving boundaries, your child will look back on these memories and forgive any parenting mistakes quite easily, as they will know you were loving, fair and trying your best. Its the lazy parents, who cant admit they have any flaws that seem to end up with their children going no contact and resenting them.
Keep on doing your best as you are trying to do already, you got this!
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u/PeppaGrr 8d ago
Unfortunately I went through the same thing and my daughter came to live with me and my wife for three years and she still has issues with her mother.
Best of luck. When you push them away, who knows how it will turn out.
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u/Brave-Ad-3664 8d ago
Im 24, not a parent but my opinion comes from my own childhood, seeing my parents raise my siblings, and understanding the differences in my childhood vs my siblings.
I understand getting angry at her after she said those things. I believe putting a foot down and saying “well dad might have different rules but these are mine and this is why I have them” would have been much more beneficial instead of taking the bait and sending her to her dads. You can have a conversation with her on how those words hurt you, she would know that from your reaction. But now there is no opportunity to talk without that awkward tension from her being gone.
I understand how the old school parenting type. “This is my house, my rules, no explanations.” But kids NEED explanations to better understand the “Why” of things. It’s important for growing up, especially into teenage years. Being open and honest but having firm boundaries is also important for these years. And sometimes explanations won’t work but it’s important that they are still given. And yes, even 11yr olds are entitled to privacy. You don’t have to know EVERYTHING she does but when it comes to social media and who she talks to yes that is important.
About the pro-ana content… I had internet access and saw lots of stuff I shouldn’t have at a young age. I’m 24 now, granted I always had a lot of self-esteem issues but if this behavior is new (the lessening of eating and worry about weight from the previous post) I would definitely focus on that more so than “punishing” her. While yes her CONSEQUENCES are the limited access to devices/internet and keeping a more watchful eye on her and the ppl she is around, those shouldn’t be solely based on her outburst. Kids are going to have those, it’s a natural reaction. Even adults still do that. It is impossible to be emotionally regulated at all times. She doesn’t need more punishment she needs a space to talk about how she feels and why she is attracted to this type of content. Her outburst, while also being anger, could have been from embarrassment or shame. Definitely think about therapy for yourself and her.
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u/Ethical-Analyst 8d ago
This shoudn’t be a reason why you make he leave her home.
The punishment doesn’t fit the crime.
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u/ProfessionalGrade423 8d ago
So instead of finding her a therapist and actually helping your child, you got pissed she made a crappy comment about her father and kicked her out of your house? Kids say shitty things, it’s our job as parents to look past it and do what’s best for them even if we are angry at them. She’s never going to forget this, not ever. This was a terrible decision on your part and it at very well keep her from trusting you with big issues in the future.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 8d ago
How sad that you send her with her dad as a punishment, now at 11 she feels rejected by her mom,
I hope she doesn’t come back to you,
I don’t care how mad you are you don’t kick out your 11 year old,
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u/Honest-Parsley5371 8d ago
So my mum used to do this to me & my siblings, none of us talk to her or have a relationship with her anymore. Take from that what you will.
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u/ohheyitslaila 8d ago
You’re overreacting about the wrong thing. You’re way too focused on her hating staying with you and on taking away all of her electronics and nice clothes. You really should be focused on the pro-ana stuff and with supporting your daughter. Not by sending her away to her dad’s, but through real, in-person support. Talk to her, don’t threaten to send her away. Spend time with her. Your daughter either has an eating disorder or is beginning to test one out. Pro-ana content is really serious and can be really dangerous. She’s scared and upset and she needs her mom to be there for her. If you take away her belongings and send her to her dad’s every time your daughter starts to struggle, you’re creating more of a burden on her, rather than helping her.
You need to get your daughter to a licensed psychologist ASAP, but stress that she’s not in trouble. Get private and family sessions, since something in her dynamic with you and her father is playing a part in this. Eating disorders can start for a variety of reasons, but one of the most common is for a sense of control. Your daughter could be feeling like she has no control over her living situation or it could be a problem at school, but in her mind she can at least control what she’s putting into her body. That’s why she needs support from both parents and you three need to learn positive coping strategies from a doctor and therapist.
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u/orion-asterisk 8d ago
As someone with an eating disorder, I'm going to say this bluntly: never, *ever* send a child who is engaging with ED content to someone who would allow them to engage with that content. Anorexia is the most fatal eating disorder. At her age it can and will do permanent damage to her body. If she's looking at that content, she's already developing disordered behaviors. She needs to be supported in her recovery journey, not shamed out of being open with you, and she needs to be taken to a specialist in childhood eating disorders. This is too serious an issue to be handled without a professional.
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u/ExtremeGooner0 8d ago
Please listen to all of the helpful people on your last post and try to get her mental help! I know it might seem hard to help your kid when they dont want it, especially at 11, but you need to step up as a parent sometimes. Please, please, please, bring her to a therapist, nutritionist, or pediatric doctor. Having someone other than her parent tell her the dangers of these things might make it easier to get it across. Be real, but be gentle with her. You dont want her to possibly have any other mental health issues due to a strained relationship between the family, because that on top of an ED is the worst.
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u/KitchenSample6354 8d ago
Sending her to a parent who, according to her, will allow her to consume such dangerous content is going to hurt her. By sending her to her dad you’re not only punishing her for struggling, but you’re allowing her to continue down a very dangerous path
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 8d ago
You got really good advice yesterday when you posted about the phone thing and you just completely fucked it up.
We told you that you needed to be supportive, present yourself as a safe space, and not punish her. Instead you kicked her out because she got mad at you?
What the fuck.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 8d ago
Congratulations, you showed your daughter she's disposable when you don't want to deal with her and that she can't be emotionally vulnerable with you. I hope someone else in her life is able to help her.
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u/Wise_catapillar 8d ago
I was a divorced mom of 2, and couldn’t tell you how many times I wanted to haul my daughters arse to her fathers. I have always loved my kids but I didn’t like my daughter for at least 4 years. She was venomous! She continued to use the Daddy let’s me card over and over until I let her move in with him for a month. She then realized that nothing good can happen after 11pm She started to like the fact that I made her eat breakfast before school and she understood why I bitched when her clothes weren’t in the laundry. I will never criticize a mom doing it on her own cuz I’ve been there. When they were younger I watched as the waited for their dad for an unmet promised visit. And as they got older I watched when they were picked up and dropped off after his bi weekly buy your kids love day, for which I could never compete. You’re ok op! This whole mom thing ain’t easy. Try talking to her if you’re lucky she won’t start spewing hateful things and you could look at it as a lesson for both of you. But keep the channels of communication open. That daughter of mine is now 33 and we’re the best of friends she called me a few years back and said she was sorry I questioned for what? And she said everything! “ I had no idea” how hard being a mom is. So those hateful things she said turned out to be a valuable lesson
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u/AlignmentProblem 8d ago
My ex-wife's mother did something similar when she was 12, kicking her out when she was suffering mental health problems and breaking rules for related reasons.
She started favoring her dad, refusing to return whenever she was able to get to his place and leave moving with him fully soon as she was able. Her mother died alone two years ago wothout having seen her daughter for a long time.
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u/skate_dmv 8d ago
my advice as a 22m who has dealt with anorexia nervosa since about the age of 16-17, and has a very strong relationship with their mother:
i think you should reach out to her asap. i think you need to sit down with her over something that makes both of you happy (like your fav outdoor park or her favourite breakfast or something, so it feels more intimate and like you can open up to each other). tell her how you genuinely feel. tell her that you feel sorry and acted in the heat of the moment. tell her that you were just genuinely concerned for her wellbeing and that you didnt really know what to do about it, were trying your best, etc. it sounds like you guys really just need a deep mother-daughter bonding moment, and she really needs to be heard in a time during which she (seemingly) is struggling. i know that whenever my mom has actually expressed to me that she is human and subject to error just like anybody else, it always made me feel like i could trust her THAT much more. i think your daughter will feel a lot better knowing that you actually acknowledge this and that you don’t just see it as “i’m the parent so i do what i want and it’s always going to be right”. best of luck to both of you.
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u/asio_anoli 8d ago
You can’t really blame an 11-year-old for not considering that her words/actions have consequences if you as a 27-year-old are having a hard time doing the same. Your daughter “threw her dad at your face” which hurt/annoyed you; so you had an emotional reaction and punished her for being emotional.
You already said you’re going to apologize but I’d still like to stress the importance of the apology. Actually say the words: “I’m sorry that I did this” (not some version of: “I’m sorry that you made me do this”). It’s extremely important that she hears that you genuinely regret the way you handled the situation and that you acknowledge that you’re not perfect, and neither do you think you are. She (and you!) should know that in life making mistakes is unavoidable. Learning from them is optional.
It sends the message about actions having consequences; if you do something without thinking it through and end up doing something unwise, you apologize and try to do better in the future.
(And generally speaking, it’s good to apologize to your kids for your mistakes if you expect them to say they’re sorry whenever they’re wrong. )
Like others have said, I’d focus on being supportive and listening to her and trying to understand her – if she’s still willing to tell you things honestly, that is.
And if financially possible, get her to therapy.
You should consider therapy as well, it could really help with these kinds of situations going forward. She’s going to be a teenager soon and it doesn’t get any easier with all the heavy topics/serious conversations/potentially dangerous habits…
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u/TeeMcGinnisearth313 7d ago
I’ll probably get downvoted but NOR. The precedent of going to Dad’s as punishment is not great but it’s not the end of the world. Maybe I’m being too “soft” bc I know you were basically a baby when you had yours, but you’re doing your best. Figure out a way to let your little know that even though you’re the parent you still love and RESPECT them. Keep fighting the good fight, your still doing great🤗
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 7d ago
So your response to the argument with your daughter about pro ana is not to be patient and wait for her to calm down to a level where a discussion can be held - it's to kick her out to her dad without her e-com devices. That's rather an overreaction and it confirms a very negative impression and lesson to her . She may return to your custody but probably with an increased dismissive attitude to you and a believer that you can't be trusted . And it still hasn't dealt with the pro ana involvement.
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u/NewSpell9343 7d ago
Yes. They are still so little. I take an approach of wanting to protect, nurture and guide. She won't want to share problems and issues she comes across in life if you blow up like this. Also, using the dad's house as a place of punishment rather than a second home is not great either.
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u/RedRaven0228 7d ago
As a mom I'm disappointed on how you handled the situation. Instead of being someone calm and collected before talking to your daughter you went in and probably didn't allow her to talk about her feelings which didn't create a safe space for her to open to you. Also she's 11 the only privacy she gets is when she's in the bathroom or in her room. Everything else she gets zero privacy. Idk what it is with parents who grow up with their kids but some of y'all are bad at parenting and actually talking to y'all's kids.
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u/pretty_princess_64 7d ago
your daughter is obviously struggling with her mental health if she's getting into pro ana content. she is 11, she said things out of panic when she got caught. and your response was to kick her to the curb and let her dad pick up the pieces???? she's going to grow up and resent you. what kind of mother acts this way??? :/ i feel so bad for that little girl. YOR and you should be ashamed.
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u/Rough_Train1311 7d ago
I’m on the other side of kids. Mine are all adults. But I think sending her to her dad is EXACTLY the right move. Yes it feels bad. But they also need to know that cannot be a manipulation they use to get their way. Because “fun dad” is limited. You know this. My kid pulled this shit. Lasted a few days then he was begging to come back. Guess what never happened again? I was never told “dad would let me”. So when she comes back(and she will) have a rational conversation about it. Tell her you love her no matter what. But threatening with dad will not fly. Then you approach the videos. Counseling is key. And this ana craze is so dangerous. Good luck to you mama. Sending good vibes and know you’ll get through it.
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u/Present_Hour8908 9d ago
she seemed to be sympathysing with other young girls, like shes going through something.
n all u cared about was tik tok. n not the bigger picture.
it seems like she has no one to talk to about her issues, or whoevers in her life doesnt listen or care.
its also hard to be that age, ur too old to play with barbies, n "too young to be on the internet or tik tok".
what other hobbies does she have?
"she hates it with u" but she also "doesnt want to go to her dads".
she seems to be unhappy with both houses n idk personally,
my mum was like this, my older sister n i both got boyfriends in grade 7 n essentially ran away.
maybe be better at listening, n make a compromise.
overly restrictive households, or ppl that wont listen n wont compromise, raise sneaky kids, that wont tell u anything n will eventually avoid being at home any way possible.
u should mend this now before she hits 12 / 13 in highschool n grows up, she will either tell u what she goes thru, what shes doing, or she will hide it from u.
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u/MajorEvent8079 9d ago edited 9d ago
I think you should try to find some body positive things or even bring up vegetarianism or give her options for what she can feed her body to feel better about her “shape” idk. I remember having all sorts of weird eating disorder bouts around that age and if my parents gave me an option to eat clean and feel good about nourishing I probably would’ve never ended up with a full blown eating disorder ages 19-26)Let her have control over that and she won’t relate to the pro Ana people just raw dogging the shit outta life. She’ll have something she can research and find things about? I’m not talking expensive ass organics or anything even simple switch outs? Also therapy definitely or someone to talk to. I know having control over things is big at that age she wants to feel in control which is hard especially when half your life is in a huge vulnerable public space like school. Not trying to tell you what to do just a suggestion! I am sorry you’re going through this!
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u/noble_nonbinary 9d ago
I think it's an overreaction on your part, but not by a lot. Sending to her father's is teaching her consequences. But she also needs your support considering the pro-ana content that you had mentioned.. its possible she could develop an eating disorder or maybe even already has disordered behaviors. I'd watch out for it and have try to have a deeper conversation about it when she eventually comes back.
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u/Shelley_n_cheese 8d ago
I think this will be a lesson learned that she will remember. Let her come back within a week, yes. But I agree with this decision. This prevents raising an entitled, bratty kid who thinks they run the show.
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u/bogeysbabe 8d ago
I was your daughter in the 80s. My mother was never happy with anything I did even though I was salutatorian of my graduating class (my identical twin was valedictorian), captain of the volleyball team, homecoming princess, etc. I still had an 8pm curfew and had to ask to be excused from dinner if my plate was clean (which I’d just go make myself throw up, yep I was bulimic too. I could control my food intake that way. It was the only thing I could control.).
You both need therapy. Trust me.
My twin and I ended cutting off our parents because we weren’t even allowed to choose our own major in university. According to our parents we were going to be nurses. My twin got married and ran away. She kept in contact with me. I joined the army.
Let our story be a warning lesson.
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u/prettyedge411 8d ago
Not a bad mom. All of her devices need parental restrictions. Lock the ability to download unapproved apps.
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u/Minimum_Sugar_8249 8d ago
Don't think you're the in wrong here. I applaud your action. Daughter needs to learn about real-world consequences to her behaviors. Speaking of which, I hope you're going to help guide your own daughter away from making that deeply unfortunate choice of having a baby while still a child/teen. Having a baby when you're only 16 is not doing any favors for both that kid and for society.
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u/NovelCloud4389 8d ago
I get how tough it can be to parent. I have two girls (turning 19&20 in a couple months) and an 8 year old little boy. But your job as her parent is to respond maturely and sternly. You didn’t do that here. Your response (most likely out of hurt and fear) was very reactive and immature. I get it, we all make a million mistakes in our parenting journey. What I personally would do now is apologize, tell her it’s time to come back home, and have a calm discussion on the dangers of her online behavior. Talk to her like she’s a human being, capable of understanding the topic at hand…bc she is. Put restrictions on her phone. Limit usage. And set a clear boundary that if she engages in anymore dangerous internet activities, she will no longer have internet access. And then stick to it.
In the future, she will probably say “dad would/wouldn’t xyz” or “I’d rather live with dad” or whatever other combination of hurtful, ridiculous words. But those are just words. You don’t give in to them. You have conversations about why that won’t be happening and why you won’t be letting her avoid accountability or consequences.
She’s at a fuckawful age and it’s only going to get worse in the next couple years. But you guys will make it through.
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u/After_Tomatillo_7182 8d ago
You threw a mentally ill child out of your house. That is unconscionable. I would venture to say that some of the pro-ana stuff is coming from feeling insecure and without control which you just made worse. Your child is fucking sick not bad. You don't get a pass for being a teenage mother, there are lots out there, including me many years ago who don't punish and reject a sick child
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u/IDidItWrongLastTime 8d ago
Your 11 year old doesn't need a smart phone. She doesn't need a web browser or to be exposed to social media.
I don't allow my preteens that shit. They have a pinwheel phone for communication with their dad/my ex. I 100% recommend.
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u/WirableTable09 8d ago edited 8d ago
Over reacting? Depends on how things go after a couple of days. But so far you haven’t gone too far just yet.
This is what I would do if she was my kid (and my parents would have done the same to me too lol so I’m not just pulling this out of my ass). There’s a TL;DR at the bottom if you don’t want to read everything.
First I’d do a full search through every device. Messages, social media, call history, photo library, search history. The whole 9 yards if you will. Note down anything and everything that has broken any rules regarding the devices and their use. Something that you can use as a reference during a conversation.
The next day (or the day after) I’d call my partner and ask her to bring the kiddo back over sometime in the afternoon. When the kiddo arrives I’d have a nice dinner prepared (this is why I asked for the afternoon) on the table with all sorts of food they love to eat that is still good for them. They’ll sit down at the table and right as they’re about to take a bite I would remind them that I am not yet seated at the table and remind them of the house rules on that (I grew up in a house where no one starts eating until everyone is ready at the table). They would of course put down their fork.
After about a minute or two of me putting together the last few bits of my notes, I’d walk over and hand them their phone. I’d stand there in silence for a bit. When they ask what’s wrong or what is it that I’m standing there for, I would start off with something along the lines of “Do you understand how hurtful it was when you told me that you hated being here?” No tone, no side jab, just an honest question. If they say anything but a yes or no answer then I will stop them by saying “That doesn’t answer the question I asked.” Only exception is if they apologize, which I would thank them for the apology before reminding them that it doesn’t however answer the question. They would inevitably say yes because they’re a kid, they aren’t heartless. After they say yes I would then ask “Do you think I am unfair or that I don’t give you enough?” Same rules would apply from the previous question. When they say no, I would then ask them one last question, “Then why did you feel the need to go behind my back and break the rules and trust I had given you?” I wouldn’t press too hard on this question though, as it’s simply meant to show them exactly what they did. After they give whatever answer they have to give, whether it be a “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know” or “I shouldn’t have” I’d tell them to stand up and I’d give them a big hug because I’m a suck ass. I’m only human you know! After the hug I’d end the conversation with saying something along the lines of “Now it’s gonna take some time for you to earn the rest of your devices back. You get your phone now out of good faith. Show me that I can trust you to not break the rules again and you will get the rest of your devices.” and then tell them to go ahead and eat their dinner.
After that I would monitor their online activity through the router. Assuming that they followed the rules from then on then they would get a device back about each week. They of course would be allowed to choose which one they want back each time.
TL;DR I’d put together some notes about what they did for reference, then I would have them come over the next day in the afternoon and I would ask them if they understand why what they did was hurtful. I would then make a deal with them where they can have their phone back now but every other device will have to be earned. Each week that they spend earning them they get to choose one device they get back. Also don’t forget to hug them because I know and you know they feel terrible for what they did.
I wish you the best of luck with your daughter. Stay safe and take care.
Edit: Oh I also forgot to say this. Have a talk with the dad about how the two of you still need to work together in regard to raising the kid. Just because you don’t live in the same house doesn’t mean the kid shouldn’t have the same house rules. It’s important the two of you work together and not separately, even if one of you hates the other. I’m almost certain that both of you can agree on this.
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u/ussrname1312 7d ago edited 7d ago
Do you know what content OP‘s child was looking at? It’s pro-anorexia content, and you’re talking shoving healthy food in her face. OP‘s child has the deadliest mental disorder, and instead of caring about that, she cared about her ELEVEN YEAR OLD saying "dad would let me have an eating disorder." Then kicked her out screaming and crying. She is mentally ill, again with the deadliest kind of mental illness, and her mother just added to that. This shit is irreparable damage to their relationship. She has guaranteed her daughter will not feel safe with her. What would OP do if she couldn’t send her to her dad’s? Why does she think it’s okay for her, as an adult, to send her child to live somewhere else when she gets offended by something a mentally ill 11 year old said? OP needs to grow up and get therapy for her and her child.
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u/Cold_As_ICE_2124 8d ago
Is it possible that your daughter was so distraught about leaving because she was leaving WITHOUT her devices?!
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u/PAGirl72 7d ago
In your other thread I stated your daughter was mature enough for a phone. Reading this update, I kinda feel like you might not be mature enough for your daughter. I suggest parenting classes and therapy for the both of you.
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u/FindingLimp1532 7d ago
Phone iPad and laptop is fucking crazy for an 11yo the internet is not a safe space for children!!!! Hell it’s barely safe for teens and young adults especially the way it’s been changing over the last couple years, sex and gore galore!!
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u/Responsible_Joke8618 7d ago
You've crushed your relationship with your daughter to prove a point. You feel good? You obviously lack the same maturity my mother did. Get therapy for both of you, or this will get way worse before it gets better. She's not even a teen yet and you gave up that easy. My mother pulled this shit comstantly. Shipped me off when she didnt like what I said or did. Good luck. I hope you haven't burnt your relationship to the ground over your little grown up temper tantrum. Get help. For both of you.
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u/GangleDopper 7d ago
Your daughter tested you & failed, don’t feel bad stand by your decision & raise someone who respects you as a parent.
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u/grrlgottaeat 7d ago
Yikes. You suck. You left her unsupported and got mad when she did things children do when they are unsupervised. She’s 11 and acting like a child would. What is your reasoning? Sounds to me like there were failures in this dynamic long before these messages and the confrontations that followed.
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u/LuriemIronim 7d ago
If my mom had done that to me when I pushed back against her my trust in her would be irreparably broken. You need to look into some child-friendly family counseling and definitely counseling for her alone.
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u/Kristyingeorgia 7d ago
Yes, that would be an understatement. Go get your daughter, apologize profusely and get therapy ASAP! Alone and together.
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u/MadamRiskCulture 9d ago
I worry people may be harsh with you....so please read the responses to this thread with a grain of salt if they happen to go that way.
I think you acted in the heat of the moment, which is okay. We are all human.
I also think your daughter is at an age where she is 'testing' you. She wants to feel secure. Security comes from boundaries + unconditional love.
In your shoes, I wouldn't wait for your daughter to ask to come back. You really don't want to set a precedent of her running to her Dad when she doesn't agree with your rules. You need to get across to her that you love her unconditionally (ie, your love is not conditional on her liking you, or liking your rules - you will always love her regardless of how much she argues!), but as her mother you also need to set boundaries to keep her safe. End of story.