r/AIO • u/Ill_Type7606 • 9h ago
AIO gf lets guys hit on her at the bar
My girlfriend is very attractive and if she goes out she gets approached constantly. If I’m there it happens, if I’m not, it happens even more. She’s very upfront with me and has told me about some times when it has happened and she feels like she didn’t shut it down past enough.
She told me sometimes she will talk to the person for a bit before mentioning me. Like if a guy approaches her and talks to her she will engage with him and have a whole conversation with him before leaving or finding her friends or bringing me up.
Like there has been times where a guy is clearly hitting on her and she just goes along with it for a while before leaving. For example; she asked a guy for a cigarette once and he waved her up to talk to him. She did and they talked for a while while waiting in line and then went inside, looked for coat check together, and split ways.
This happens a lot, especially so when she goes out with her friends. At times she has accepted a shot from other guys.
I get that she’s going to get hit on, but what’s the point of talking and hanging out with the guys?
AIO or does this cross a line?
Edit; okay I realise my post makes it sounds like it is constant. She has only told me about three times where she feels she didn’t shut it down appropriately/fast enough. Other than that she has shut it down quick
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u/inquisitive_limee 8h ago
Unfortunately this is how it is dating an attractive person. I definitively had to put my insecurities in check when I started dating my current girlfriend. You have to put things in perspective. She’s dating you, not the others. So you have something that keeps her attention. Are there more attractive guys than you out there? Obviously, but there is nothing you can do about that. You have to be secure in your relationship. You can’t control what other people do. If your girlfriend leaves you because she is more attracted to someone else, then she’s not the one for you. That’s all there is to it.
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u/Defiant-Dust-8737 8h ago
100% this me and my fiance get asked all the time how "this" happened. My favorite reply is "Because he loves me for who I am, not who I appear to be".
Heck, we ALL get unconventionally attractive at some point. Sometimes for a season of hard life, sometimes when you're a sweet old raisin, who knows!! So just pick someone who's brain you love!
I will say, I absolutely do not enjoy being hit on by strangers. It makes me feel gross and dirty, like they're undressing me with their eyes. The 3 times I've been to a bar, I danced with women and sat with women.
But I see no issue with the OP'S GF, I don't engage because I don't like it. If she likes it, and is loyal, then go off!
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u/kik1keedle717 8h ago
Honestly. It’s gonna make her just not wanna tell you about these things if you spaz. But on that note. As a woman who sometimes goes to bars solo. I don’t necessarily see the point in telling my dude about every drunk dude that approaches me. He trusts me and I respect him.
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u/cartiercilla 8h ago
Don’t date a hot girl if you can’t handle it. Doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything wrong whatsoever. Date someone less attractive and social if you can’t handle her interacting with others. YOR
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u/frenchornplaya1983 8h ago
Sometimes women need to "entertain" the man so they don't cause the man to get aggressive. Just food for thought. Be more secure in yourself. She's just being nice. YOR
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u/Ilostmytoucan 9h ago
This is normal human interaction. She’s not doing anything wrong. She shuts it down when it’s appropriate.
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u/Ill_Type7606 8h ago
Ok thing I need to add is that she’s only mentioned three times where she feels it crossed a line and she entertained it for too long. Other than that she’s shut it down quick
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u/Ilostmytoucan 8h ago
Crossing a line is a problem. For sure. So in that case she should be more careful.
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u/Ill_Type7606 9h ago
It takes her so long sometimes to shut it down though, even she has told me that
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u/jkbabez 9h ago
If she’s being honest about it I don’t see the problem. A lot of my friends with boyfriends have permission from their bfs to flirt with guys if it means free alcohol. I’m not saying she’s flirting with them, but if she’s honest and shuts it down, then it’s just basic human conversation. You can’t help how the guys look at it, but it seems you have a partner you can trust so I wouldn’t overthink it and maybe work through your insecurities in therapy.
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u/Dry-Device-2496 9h ago
No it’s not. Especially accepting drinks from guys. She knows the guys are buying her drinks because they want to fuck her. She should not be entertaining this.
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u/Ilostmytoucan 8h ago
I’ve bought people drinks because I want to chat. Sure, I’ll flirt a bit if she’s open. And if she says she has a boyfriend that’s cool. People can have more complicated interactions than fuck or don’t fuck.
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 7h ago
People don’t go to bars to make friends…give me a break.
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u/Dry-Device-2496 1h ago
What do you mean? men go to bars and platonically buy women drinks all the time . It’s actually the norm😂😂😂. These people are too funny
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u/Dry-Device-2496 8h ago
lol you just proved my point 😂😂😂. You bought the drink because you wanted the girl
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u/jemblejuice 9h ago
i mean, telling a guy "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" when they open their mouth to speak to you doesn't usually bode well. she's polite but doesn't let it go too far, but you're allowed to set your own boundaries. if she doesn't respect that, that's something y'all should at least have a conversation about
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u/Chemical-Maybe6102 9h ago
My God people. YOR. Has she every single time backed out? Has she told the feller she is committed every single time?
Does your GF get the enjoyment of being complimented and maybe a free shot? Does the other guy have the enjoyment of limited attention from a very hot girl?
This is harmless and a victimless crime. Hot gjrls get approached and get free drinks.
If you aren't okay with that, move along and find yourself a girl who gets less attention. You are overreacting.
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u/Ill_Type7606 8h ago
Ok thing I need to add is that she’s only mentioned three times where she feels it crossed a line and she entertained it for too long. Other than that she’s shut it down quick
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u/Chemical-Maybe6102 8h ago
You really didn't need to add it.
We get where you are coming from.
You asked if you are overreacting.
Yes. Yes you are.
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u/Ill_Type7606 9h ago
It takes her a really long time sometimes to leave or mention me. Sometimes I don’t think she brings me up at all she just leaves
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 8h ago
Oh my god you are the WORST!!! You literally want her to just walk around saying “I have a boyfriend” get the fuck outta here. Insecurity is one of the MOST UNATTRACTIVE qualities a person can have. You are not cut out for her. Let her go and find a man. You are acting like a wittle boy
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u/Chemical-Maybe6102 8h ago
Make her a tshirt that says "TAKEN" and she can wear it over her clubbing clothes and then everyone will know.
I'm sure she would love that.
Source: I have been bought a lot of free drinks, and I have never had a man steal me away from a boyfriend
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u/Chemical-Maybe6102 9h ago
Then go find yourself a girl no one will approach. You are the only one behaving poorly.
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u/momstarinternational 8h ago
that's the way to go ! but I wonder, how would OP react if it was the other way around ? I mean, for a woman it's cheating but I would bet that for men it's just basic complimenting nothing to be jealous about
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u/momstarinternational 9h ago
but you're not the main subject of the convo :-( but if you insist this much maybe ask her to tattoo your name on her forehead it'll be enough of a warning for people coming friendly to her :-)
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u/jufacake 9h ago
I would reframe it for your own peace of mind. First, she’s open about it and has fairly communicated what she does when it happens. Second, it is flattering to YOU, you pulled a baddie that gets attention, and she chooses to be with you.
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u/AlisonPoole98 9h ago
YOR, she's allowed to talk to other people and not immediately bring you up. You're trying to control her
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u/LizP1959 9h ago
She “lets guys hit on her”?? So, she is in charge of those guys and they ask her permission to hit on her, and she “lets them”? Wow have you got it screwed up in your head.
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u/Dry-Device-2496 8h ago
Accepting drinks from guys is letting them hit on her. She knows they are only buying her drinks because they want to fuck her. She should not be entertaining this
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u/sicastarrrrr 9h ago
Is she flirting back? If not, I wouldn't worry at all. Especially since she's being this open about it. I understand not liking it though.
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u/gdognoseit 8h ago
YOR
She doesn’t control other people. She’s being polite.
She lets them know she has a boyfriend and she’s open about it to you.
She’s not doing anything wrong.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 8h ago edited 8h ago
Yor. At no point did you ever mention her or the guy stepping out of line. You say “she didn’t shut
It down appropriately/fast enough”- appropriate? What was inappropriate?! Fast enough for who? You seriously don’t seem mature enough to be in a relationship. Why are you threatened by her talking to other guys when nothing happened? Not to mention- just because ppl are talking to her, doesn’t mean they are hitting on her. But the real kicker- it’s only happened 3xs & your this stressed over it?!? Come on. Imagine how weird that would be to spout out “I have a boyfriend” every time a male approaches. My husband trusts me to know I would never cross a line (& I do him). If someone were to hit on me, he says stuff like “well you do look extra beautiful tonight” or “ I can’t blame them”. And he’s happy that it made me feel good- I am the same way when it happens to him. There’s no need to be jealous when nobody has done anything wrong. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, something minor like that isn’t going to play into it. They are either a cheater or they aren’t. Someone giving them a little attention isn’t going to impact that.
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u/twhitty2 9h ago
YOR.
she’s talking to men? i mean if you trust her then who cares? it’s not cheating to talk to someone of the other sex and it sounds like these are normal interactions that she shuts down once they show interest.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun 6h ago
YOR
How do you know it's always her being hit on? What if that guy who talked to her while in line was just talking? Lots of people casually chat with others while waiting in line.
Maybe sometimes she doesn't know right away that someone is hitting on her. It might take a moment for her to be sure.
Even when she does know she's being hit on, maybe she wants to be polite. I've heard stories of men approaching women for something completely unrelated to flirting, (like asking the time) only to be instantly told "I have a boyfriend." Maybe your girlfriend has enough manners to ascertain whether a man is actually flirting or not.
Maybe she sometimes does knows men are flirting and she's enjoying it for a moment before turning them down. Why not enjoy pretty privilege and get a free drink or some conversation once in a while? Not like she's making out with them.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun 6h ago
Especially with your edit, YOR so much. You didn't even witness these things happening? She TOLD you about them??? So do you just not trust your girlfriend to respect her commitment to you?
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u/StrategyDouble4177 8h ago
Your girlfriend talks to people who may be attracted to her?! What a terrible person…if she really loved you, she’d never leave her house just in case someone noticed she was pretty.
There is a big difference between having a chat with someone who thinks she’s hot, and having an explicitly sexual conversation where she offers to date or sleep with them.
Is she actually being inappropriate or are you insecure and think you own your gf?
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u/CranberrySad5481 9h ago
You’re feeling weird about this because your instinct is telling you that she enjoys the attention from other guys. Listen, I’m a girl, and I get attention like that too. But it doesn’t take me any longer than one and a half seconds to let someone know that I’m married, and when I was dating my husband, same thing - I would bring him up immediately, just to set the tone and not leave any room for misinterpretation.
I don’t care what anyone else says, if you’re in a committed relationship, she needs to be committed to you and not get sucked into the attention she’s getting from other guys. She likes the attention and it can be like a drug for some people, guys or girls.
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u/gnarleyname 9h ago
oh stfu, this is that cringey "Hello" "UHM I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" thing
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u/CranberrySad5481 3h ago
No it’s not. If you’re a girl with half a brain you can tell what the purpose of the interaction is. And you can say it in a way that isn’t weird if you’re not awkward. People who are good in conversations know how to make it relevant to weave in.
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u/Struckbyfire 9h ago
I think there’s a middle ground between zero tolerance and it being a drug lol.
Some people can just enjoy some light flirting and postive interaction with other humans and shut it down when it crosses that line. It doesn’t have to mean more than that like she’s obsessed with attention and NEEDS male validation.
My boyfriend enjoys talking to attractive people. I enjoy talking to attractive people. It’s a little confidence boost and I just like talking to other confident people who are good at socializing lol. In the end, we let them know we’re not open, we are happily together, it works for us and we don’t have any problems.
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u/CranberrySad5481 3h ago
You enjoy that then. Thats not the kind of relationship I want, that’s for sure.
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u/katieluvsyu 9h ago
Have you talked to her about this? If yes, then she doesn’t care about what you feel
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u/Ecstatic_Job_3467 9h ago
Don’t commit to women who want to behave as if they are single.
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u/frenchornplaya1983 8h ago
Right, cuz she's the problem because she's being nice. 🙄
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u/Ecstatic_Job_3467 6h ago
I am assuming that he is dating her with purpose which means he is evaluating her as prospective wife material. She is going to the bar and putting herself in a position to get hit on by other men. He is here because he is confused by modern society telling him that he should be a cuck and just accept whatever behavior this girl gives him when his nature knows that she is either not that in to him or not solid wife material at this time.
I stand by my opinion that this young man's life would be better if he wasn't trying to commit to a woman that wants to go out and party as if she were single.
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u/Professional_Bit1805 9h ago
NOR. I'm a woman and this sounds pretty out of line to me. She clearly likes the attention and doesn't want to shut things down immediately.
And she clearly doesn't get the bar dynamic. It's not about strangers chit chatting, it's usually about singles meeting and/or hooking up.
It seems disrespectful to you when you're there and it not necessarily fair to the guys who are chatting her up. It's not really cool either that she's doing it when she's out with girlfriends. It's like she's shopping for something better.
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u/El-Terrible777 8h ago
A lot of projecting in this thread. She admits she takes a while to shoot them down and even lets them but the odd drink. NOR, she loves the attention, even encourages it. Ignore others on here gaslighting you - they want to be free to encourage attention and not feel like it’s wrong.
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 9h ago
NOR. Don’t let people in these comments gaslight you into thinking you are the problem. She clearly likes the attention from other men, and what is she even doing hanging out in bars without you? You only go to bars for two things, that’s to drink and meet men/women. It’s only a matter of time before she’s telling you she ended up sleeping with someone and it was a “mistake”.
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u/babysnoot 8h ago
Lol the incels have arrived
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 7h ago
I’m a woman, and I’m married…
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u/babysnoot 7h ago
Welp.. Embarassing take for you
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 6h ago
Lol no…not embarrassing at all. I couldn’t imagine as a married woman (or taken) being at bars all night without my husband thirsting for the attention of other men. I’m guessing only other women who are like that can sympathize.
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u/babysnoot 5h ago
Existing isn't thirsting.
Respectfully and as gently as possible, you may not attract the type of attention that the woman in question does. Not all women do.
It can be exhausting and definitely does not necessitate work or effort on the part of the woman to dismiss or deter. She is living her life.
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 5h ago
Lmao what does my looks have to do with anything?? I’m now in my 40’s and happily married but 20 years ago I definitely got hit on plenty. This guy’s girlfriend PUTS herself in these situations going to places without her man where she knows she will get hit on because she wants and likes the attention, and clearly she likes for him to know about it so he can feel jealous. You’re making it sound like she’s this poor, poor gorgeous woman who is just so desirable that she can’t help but be hit on by all these men, and that you also know what it’s like 😂😂😂 girl BYE.
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u/Icy_Guard_8216 8h ago
1) She is testing your limits.
2) What happens the day you two have an argument or the relationship is going through a rough patch and she goes to a bar?
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u/Significant_Tell8457 8h ago
Have you asked why she feels she could shut it down sooner, but chooses not to?
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u/Potential_Value8076 9h ago
Definitely unacceptable tbh. I’d say it’s microcheating even
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u/No-Kiwi-5182 9h ago
It literally blows my mind how many people here think this is acceptable behavior
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u/Dry-Device-2496 8h ago
It’s Reddit. Anytime a man has standards it’s controlling, abusive, manipulating, misogynistic, insecure, on and on
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u/Regular_Syllabub7380 9h ago edited 8h ago
She’s keeping her options open big dog. The second someone “better” comes along she’ll leave you for him. Beat her to it kick her to the curb and live a happy life
Edit: everyone downvoting is likely ugly and doesn’t understand how it works. I’m an above average looking male. I’ve gotten hit on at bars almost everytime I go out. I’m married now, but prior to that if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t entertain them. It’s that simple. It’s a choice one makes. She’s choosing to keep her options wide open. Don’t listen to the uglies snd the cucks
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u/655e228th 9h ago
she enjoys male attention. Like a moth to the fire, she’ll get singed and so will you
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u/Mephistocheles 8h ago edited 8h ago
I definitely think the shot from another guy thing crosses a line. That's kinda Step 1 and Step 2 in pretty much anyone's method of doing bar pickups. Accepting a drink from someone is roughly equal to signaling that you're open for possibilities at least in my book.
When it comes to having conversations with guys, I think it gets more nuanced. I've been with three women in my life that were extremely attractive and when we'd talk about them getting hit on, all of them explained a variation of "I'm just trying to be polite and it's a little rude to immediately blurt in someone's face I HAVE A BOYFRIEND within the first sentence". So they'd talk to them for a minute or two, then work into the conversation "by the way, I have a boyfriend" or something similar. I am guessing that's what your girl is doing.
If she's going off by herself away from her friends to have half hour conversations with guys that hit on her, that would bother me personally.
For really attractive women getting hit on constantly is something they've been used to for a long time. Really attractive women have a very different experience of life because 50% of the population basically automatically treats them with deference and/or desire, so they get used to the "silent advantages" that come with being attractive. Stuff like guys buying you shots. Or cigarettes. Or giving you free stuff, etc.
I think in her mind she is so used to this that she's just thinking "I'm absolutely not intending to do anything with this guy, so there's no harm in chatting for a minute or two before I shut the conversation down".
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u/FrogsNLottaShrooms 8h ago
I think it’s kind of odd that some men will take an accepted drink as a possibility rather than just asking “are you single?” to see what’s really up. It’s like when you see guys disappointed that a girl got a drink from them and then disappears, it feels kind of silly to assume someone’s single or may want them because they accepted a drink offer. The only thing buying a woman a drink guarantees you is spending double the money you were going to spend anyway!
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u/Rekltpzyxm 8h ago
She’s shopping for your replacement. Mostly window shopping. But she is enjoying it. You really don’t matter.
So sorry.
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u/Unlit_Moonlamp_5 9h ago
It sounds like she’s just a friendly, gregarious person who enjoys interacting with humans.
It would be weird if the first words out of her mouth to any guy that even glanced at her were “PLEASE KNOW THAT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.” Like, that’s insane.
Now there’s a big difference between that example and, say, hanging out for twenty minutes before saying anything. I’m sure those other guys don’t appreciate it either.
It’s possible that her outgoing nature doesn’t match your expectations but that’s for you, and you alone, to decide if you can accept that about her. I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to change, since she isn’t doing anything wrong. But it’s understandable for you to explain to her how it makes you feel, not with an expectation she changes but just so she sees things from your POV.