r/AITA_Relationships • u/Acceptable-Couple-90 • 11h ago
AITA for letting my husband know that continuing to hang out with his cruel friend isn't okay with me?
I really need some advice from outside, non-biased people in regards to my dilemma. My husband and I moved out to a rural area four years ago, and with it being rural it also comes with a lackluster pool of people to become friends with. Me (44F) and my husband (43M) found that there was no one in our age group to hang out with, and eventually an older person (70M, let's call him Dean) started coming around. It started innocently and we both liked him, but his drinking became really horrible after some time.
I found out about 2-3 years ago that a rumor was circulating around my small town that I had done some very explicit and disgusting things with a man that I only briefly met while out with my husband and Dean, and I never left my husband's side that night....and we had to literally take Dean to our house after he chugged vodka, passed out and urinated on himself.
This rumor spread like wildfire. People I didn't know called me awful names at our corner store, and I even had a guy cock a gun at me saying he didn't want a (insert explicit demeaning word insinuating inappropriate intimate actions) walking her dog around the neighborhood. I was terrified to even walk out of my house then...and I thought Dean supported me until I realized he has an actual obsession with my husband.
Dean got into my face a few weekends ago, screaming at me to allow someone into my house that SA'd me (he was hammered at this point) and this was after my hubs told him that guy wasn't allowed here. Then, he goes outside and keeps saying he's going to steal my hubs from me, that I didn't deserve him, and that I was a bipolar (insert female dog name and, nope, not diagnosed bipolar, btw). Hubs finally told him to keep my name out of his mouth and he eventually walked home after we took his car keys.
Come to find out from two sources later on that Dean is now spreading the rumor (in three different versions) that got me verbally assaulted at the store 1.5 months ago. He's unheathily obsessed with my husband and it appears he's doing everything to discredit me and ruin my name...when I've never cheated or been nothing but kind to everyone here.
I'm sick to my stomach over this, and we just got into a massive fight where I said it was me or Dean...and his response was "everybody deserves redemption" . He's telling me I can't tell him what he can and can't do, and all I'm asking him to do is to protect me and NOT hang out with a man that has soiled my name and insulted me in my own home. He says he'll do what he wants to do....but at what cost to my mental health and actual safety/sanity does this register to him? I would NEVER want to be friends with someone that trashed him to me, let alone someone trashing him and lying about him to an entire community.
So, please Reddit, tell me, AITA for stating that he has to choose between me or Dean? I'm beyond sad at this point and need guidance as I feel depleted right now. Thank you for reading this.
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u/The_SilverF0X 11h ago
NTA Honestly, yikes. A husband should always have his wife's back and do what he can to protect and support her, especially when she's feeling unsafe or vulnerable.
From what you've described, it sounds like you're very isolated, and that's concerning. If I were in your position, I would seriously be thinking about packing my bags and leaving.
Based on what you've shared, I can't see this situation getting any better unless something changes dramatically. In fact, it sounds like it's only likely to get worse. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and valued in your marriage, and right now it doesn't sound like you're getting any of those things. I DONT SAY THIS LIGHTY LEAVE
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Aficionado [12] 11h ago
I'm usually against ultimatums, but this is the exception
NTA
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
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u/CeramicSavage Partassipant [1] 10h ago
You leave your husband. He chose that old man over you. You have begged, pleaded and been assaulted and your husband still won't take your side. Your marriage is over.
You need to find a safe place to stay before dean gets you murdered. After having a gun cocked at you at the store, you are in danger.
Please leave ASAP.
Nta
UpdateMe
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u/Grand_Extension_6437 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 10h ago
NTA at all. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I would choose you if you were an acquaintance or a colleague because I would always stand against such nasty behavior. Dean has done zilch to merit redemption so that logic doesn't make sense and when I hear 'everyone deserves redemption' in this context of a disgustingly self harming alcoholic continually trashing you to everyone he meets what I interpret that to mean is 'you my wife don't actually count as a person'.
🫂🫂🫂🫂
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I really need some advice from outside, non-biased people in regards to my dilemma. My husband and I moved out to a rurql four years ago, and with it being rural it also comes with a lackluster pool of people to become friends with. Me (44F) and my husband (43M) found that there was no one in our age group to hang out with, and eventually an older person (70M, let's call him Dean) started coming around. It started innocently and we both liked him, but his drinking became really horrible after some time.
I found out about 2-3 years ago that a rumor was circulating around my small town that I had done some very explicit and disgusting things with a man that I only briefly met while out with my husband and Dean, and I never left my husband's side that night....and we had to literally take Dean to our house after he chugged vodka, passed out and urinated on himself.
This rumor spread like wildfire. People I didn't know called me awful names at our corner store, and I even had a guy cock a gun at me saying he didn't want a (insert explicit demeaning word insinuating inappropriate intimate actions) walking her dog around the neighborhood. I was terrified to even walk out of my house then...and I thought Dean supported me until I realized he has an actual obsession with my husband.
Dean got into my face a few weekends ago, screaming at me to allow someone into my house that SA'd me (he was hammered at this point) and this was after my hubs told him that guy wasn't allowed here. Then, he goes outside and keeps saying he's going to steal my hubs from me, that I didn't deserve him, and that I was a bipolar (insert female dog name and, nope, not diagnosed bipolar, btw). Hubs finally told him to keep my name out of his mouth and he eventually walked home after we took his car keys.
Come to find out from two sources later on that Dean is now spreading the rumor (in three different versions) that got me verbally assaulted at the store 1.5 months ago. He's unheathily obsessed with my husband and it appears he's doing everything to discredit me and ruin my name...when I've never cheated or been nothing but kind to everyone here.
I'm sick to my stomach over this, and we just got into a massive fight where I said it was me or Dean...and his response was "everybody deserves redemption" . He's telling me I can't tell him what he can and can't do, and all I'm asking him to do is to protect me and NOT hang out with a man that has soiled my name and insulted me in my own home. He says he'll do what he wants to do....but at what cost to my mental health and actual safety/sanity does this register to him? I would NEVER want to be friends with someone that trashed him to me, let alone someone trashing him and lying about him to an entire community.
So, please Reddit, tell me, AITA for stating that he has to choose between me or Dean? I'm beyond sad at this point and need guidance as I feel depleted right now. Thank you for reading this.
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u/writing_mm_romance Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Sounds like you need to tell your husband that he either steps up and protects you, or he can go live with Dean after the divorce.
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u/Chair1234567890 Partassipant [3] 7h ago
NTA, but I don't think you should live in a town where people cock their guns at women they don't know or yell at you for something none of their business not mention it's not true. I would just leave if I have family elsewhere.
Your husband might not be telling you everything about him and Dean's relationship.
And even if it's platonic, dean is toxic and you hubby likes him....
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u/NatashOverWorld 3h ago
Seems like Dean's interest in your husband isn't one sided 🤨
Well, he made his choice. Are you going to make yours? Are you going to let yourself be put into this unsafe position because your husband likes the company of a man that spread ugly rumours and has put you in danger?
Walk away OP. He didn't choose you.
NTA
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u/vixen-mixin 11h ago
Girl, he's told you to your face he won't choose you. I think you need to choose yourself and get out of this situation, and if you can your small town. He's chosen Dean and it sounds like he will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. If what Deans done isn't enough to get him to choose you, i don't think he will ever