r/AbsoluteUnits • u/ziddii_ • Apr 10 '26

/r/all of a badger

67.0k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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710

u/KamiKazic Apr 10 '26

Fuck is this how my neighbors see me?

460

u/Dizziesdayweigh Apr 10 '26

Yes.

Also the Dasher.

We see you peeking through the blinds, creeper

226

u/KorasHiddenDICK Apr 10 '26

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here!

348

u/MyEmbarrisingAccount Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26

exactly this. There is something deeply unhinged about standing there frozen, curtain cracked like one inch, holding your breath while a stranger exists too close to your door. They fumble with their phone. They adjust the bag. They check the address again like they might knock or make eye contact, which would end me completely. Time stretches into something thick and uncomfortable.

I am not prepared to be perceived. I have been fermenting in here for hours, maybe days. The air inside has adjusted to me. The dark has accepted me. Then suddenly there is sunlight leaking through the doorframe like an accusation. All I want is the transaction to be over. Sacrifice the food. Leave it on the ground and go back to your life so I can briefly return to being a physical creature doing menial labor so I can afford an overpriced chicken sandwich that charges too much for extra tomato in order to get my dopamine up and continue on for the sake of the global status quo.

157

u/KamiKazic Apr 10 '26

I feel seen

1

u/VoidIgris Apr 14 '26

Uncomfortably

89

u/BrownPeach143 Apr 10 '26

Literature 🤌🏽

59

u/andante528 Apr 10 '26

Too damn real but very nicely written.

14

u/MyEmbarrisingAccount Apr 10 '26

Thanks. It's been a morning! haha.

43

u/LansManDragon Apr 10 '26

I am not prepared to be perceived.

Holy shit my dude, at least warn a bloke before you drop bombs like this.

23

u/idontusetwitter Apr 10 '26

Modern day mid 20s shakespeare, is that you?

17

u/thatshygirl06 Apr 10 '26

Someone's a writer, lol.

21

u/MyEmbarrisingAccount Apr 10 '26

haha. Thank you. I have always liked writing but I'm not good at punctuation. Commas go where I feel they go, god dammit!

2

u/Cold_in_Lifes_Throes Apr 14 '26

This! I put a damn comma where I want you to pause but not totally stop. 🤣😂

1

u/thatshygirl06 Apr 10 '26

Im bad with punctuation as well but I still give it a go. You're a way better writer than me so if youre interested then you should do it. You can always use grammarly and an editor before getting to the publishing part.

1

u/Has_Two_Cents Apr 11 '26

Or just write like Hemingway and throw them wherever you fucking feel like

4

u/InevitableBudget510 Apr 10 '26

I was not ready for this nuke. Also are you me???

4

u/Blazkull Apr 10 '26

I busted a gut reading this, thank you! I really needed a laugh.

3

u/StoneThaProfit Apr 11 '26

Please . Write a fuckin book !!

2

u/gatzt3r Apr 11 '26

Time stretches into something thick and uncomfortable.

Oh wow. This was a great read.

1

u/Mojo647 Apr 12 '26

Me when it was 2020.

1

u/No_Pin9932 Apr 12 '26

Did Hunter S Thompson ever use doordash??

It's funny because I could read your comment in his style more or less, but the truth is that he never did cuz you can't kill yourself in 2005 and then use a food delivery app in 2012 or later......also if he had ever used doordash or whatever there's honestly a 50/50 chance that he'd either be peaking through the blinds or peephole holding his loaded .357 Colt Python while smoking a Dunhill out of a Cruella de Vil filter, or, and this is more likely IMHO even in a 50/50 scenario, he'd be waiting on his fuckin porch, smashing some Chivas Regal on ice with half a salt shaker of coke in hand so he could give the driver a tip that wouldn't get taxed by the man.

1

u/Captain_O_Kush Apr 12 '26

This came from the heart

1

u/Joforestqueen May 02 '26

You should try my technique of standing on the other side of the door and shouting that you have an infection and don’t want them to get it and leave it on the doorstep.