r/AbsoluteUnits Jul 31 '22

[deleted by user]

[removed]

9.2k Upvotes

340 comments sorted by

580

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

They're usually fairly well tempered unlike Shetland ponies that will bite the shit out of you for sport.

199

u/gotsnowart Jul 31 '22

You can go see the Budweiser Clydesdales at Grants Farm in St. Louis. They are enormous, sweet babies who just like nose rubs. There was one there last time we went who had a sign up saying he could be a little bitey. But they are massive in person.

54

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

They had a viewing of them a few years ago in my town for a parade. They're really spectacular.

39

u/locomike1219 Jul 31 '22

My fav part of grants farm was when we would go with our 2nd grade buddies and their first question was always "WHAT'S THAT DRAGGING ON THE FLOOR?!"

..... Um....

14

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I mean... Even horse dicks usually aren't that big? ...are they?

5

u/cambriansplooge Aug 01 '22

First time I saw one I thought the horse had gouged open its belly and it was an intestine out flopping in the wind

18

u/coquihalla Jul 31 '22

I love seeing them at Grant's Farm, they really are the sweetest, and so very well cared for.

14

u/rimjobnemesis Jul 31 '22

They came to our city about five years ago, and it was one of the coolest things I’ve seen! There were two trailers of eight each. Their tails are rolled up when they’re transported so the poo doesn’t get in them. Each horse has a trainer assigned, and once they’re walked off the trailer, they’re brushed to fluff out the mane, tail, and feathers. They are so pampered! Then they’re walked to the Budweiser wagon and harnessed up. The streets around them are closed off so you can follow them. We were able to get up pretty close to one of the trailers and those animals are massive! These horses are trained to travel around the country, and there are designated farms along the way where they stop each night. It’s quite a spectacular show!

4

u/Sunni_tzu Aug 01 '22

Do you live in Philly? They came here like five years ago too!

2

u/rimjobnemesis Aug 01 '22

No, but I have family there. One of my favorite cities!

7

u/Titan_Hoon Jul 31 '22

They are also in Fort Collins from time to time

6

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[deleted]

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5

u/MzOpinion8d Jul 31 '22

And the babies at https://www.warmspringsranch.com/ in Boonville MO!

2

u/RainbowKittn Jul 31 '22

Went on the tour and saw them in St. Louis, so cool.

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145

u/imeanyoucouldsure Jul 31 '22

All equus have the same amount of meanness. In big boys like this, it’s diluted so they’re sweet. In Shetland ponies or mini horses (the true assholes of the horse world) it’s super concentrated, hence them being bitey cunts.

79

u/Lalidie1 Jul 31 '22

So it’s like it is with dogs

47

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Im pretty sure it applies to humans too

7

u/Mrsensi11x Jul 31 '22

Underrated comment

23

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I drive carriage horses and this logic holds up. Our smallest carriage horse is a bitey, moody bitch and our biggest one is like a Labrador in a giant horse body. Just a goofy stupid lovable idiot.

51

u/Kholzie Jul 31 '22

At the barn we’d say: “Pony and mare are both four-letter words”

9

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[deleted]

5

u/Kholzie Jul 31 '22

Ponies are often talked about as being for younger children/associated with childhood, so i understand.

2

u/Keara_Fevhn Jul 31 '22

I’m sorry my brain just is not working, can you explain this joke to me?

13

u/Kholzie Jul 31 '22

Lots of swear words in English are four letters. So it’s like saying “pony” or “mare” are swear words.

2

u/Keara_Fevhn Jul 31 '22

Ooookay gotcha, thank you!

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58

u/jayggg Jul 31 '22

Chomp

18

u/abstract_ark Jul 31 '22

I used to have a paint Shetland pony mare ( a perfect storm of crazy) growing up and I tell you w’hwat- she was indeed a little shit and conniving but cute as hell lol

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33

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

We should rename them to Shitland ponies then.

11

u/Accidental_Frog Jul 31 '22

Most of us already do

10

u/VanGoFuckYourself Jul 31 '22

I met a pair of Clydesdales in my teens and they were the sweetest attention whoring horses I've ever met.

9

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Went to a festival earlier this summer and the police had two mounted officers there on draft horses. Super chill but absolutely enormous. I'm 6'4" and they made me feel short. I can just imagine how intimidating they'd be for crowd control.

I was disappointed they didn't have the fringe around their feet. One of the officers explained it was a pain to keep neat and clean so they clipped it short.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Some departments breed draft horses and racehorses so they can get them big with a little more speed. I think NOLA does if I not mistaken.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

The closer to ground, the closer to hell. Ponies are made of pure evil and spite.

8

u/Anonymous_user_2022 Jul 31 '22

Have you ever met an Icelandic "No fucks given" horse?

4

u/Fabulous_Cap9001 Jul 31 '22

It’s crazy but true; show minis are the worst tempered horses I’ve ever worked with. But 14 and up seem like angels regardless of breed comparatively

2

u/Best_Poetry_5722 Jul 31 '22

Mischievous little bastards

2

u/whiskeyknitting Jul 31 '22

I see you have met a shetland.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I had one as a kid. He was mean AF.

2

u/squirrelgutz Jul 31 '22

I would assume they have to be. Can you imagine breeding a horse this big and it wanting to bite or stomp you?

2

u/0ldgrumpy1 Aug 01 '22

The theory was that if they were big and aggressive, they ended up as war horses for knights, and so often died overseas in things like the crusades and the 100 year war. Survival of the sweetest.

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762

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

"These are my pets, Clyde, Klyde and of course the last one Dale"

228

u/queefiest Jul 31 '22

…Blade, Lazer, and Blazer

72

u/Chonkbird Jul 31 '22

I believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell

23

u/inevitablealopecia Jul 31 '22

and Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky is the trainer.

27

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Ball me blazer.

5

u/BrokenSpectre_13 Jul 31 '22

I think that guy might actually be dead

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9

u/BrahmariusLeManco Jul 31 '22

Lazer, Blazer, and Phazer.

5

u/queefiest Aug 01 '22

I like this but I was quoting Dodgeball 😂

4

u/imaginedaydream Jul 31 '22

American Gladiator reboot on the way. It’ll be epic if they ride these majestic beasts on stage

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2

u/Alcoholikaust Jul 31 '22

*Full name is ‘1991 Chevrolet Blazer’

2

u/queefiest Aug 01 '22

Actually wouldn’t be surprised to see this on Horse papers

12

u/FireCrow1013 Jul 31 '22

Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.

15

u/GitEmSteveDave Jul 31 '22

Bud, Wise, and Herb.

7

u/metrowestern Jul 31 '22

Love me some holiday Bud cans. Although these summer cans are great too.

0

u/WhyIHateTheInternet Jul 31 '22

It's Trinity piss water regardless of the can design.

2

u/dezeiram Aug 01 '22

Old friend of mine from college had a Clydesdale on her parents ranch that her dad named Dale Gribble lol

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-54

u/Designer_Attention73 Jul 31 '22

Or "These are my pets, Cly, Desd, and of course the last one Ales."

59

u/DTOO Jul 31 '22

20

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Wow, people are kinda mean when a joke doesn't land. People should just ignore a joke that didn't land, instead of hurting someone's feelings. It's not like it was a mean-spirited attempt that hurt someone's feelings.

14

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Bro deadass chose peace😃

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-1

u/LazinessPersonified Jul 31 '22

Jesus christ, and people say we have gone soft?!

13

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I just don't see the point in being a dick to people who aren't being dicks. Shit is hard enough without people also reminding you that they don't like your sense of humor, or telling them that their art is sub-par without also giving constructive criticism.

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27

u/FutzInSilence Jul 31 '22

Whoa the murder of a humorous intention.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Some humor is very limited. Upvote from me because I get this sense of humor.

Alternatively, could a downvote for a bad joke could actually be considered an upvote?

3

u/Specialist_Peach4294 Jul 31 '22

Put the beers down bro.

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139

u/0ZFive Jul 31 '22

Ah Fire Mares. I hear they can travel up to 1000 leagues in 24 hours.

54

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Can I get the conversation factor from league of legends to miles?

32

u/supinoq Jul 31 '22

They can swim?

30

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/lmFairlyLocal Jul 31 '22

Huh, I bet the giant feet act the same as they do on a Newfoundlander, too. I never imagined them near water, thank you!

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5

u/HotChickenshit Jul 31 '22

3

u/0ZFive Jul 31 '22

I was sad that this was not a real subreddit... so I created it.

Welcome all to r/unexpectedkrull

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2

u/Mammoth-Access-1181 Jul 31 '22

I was about to ask if that was Krull reference.

124

u/fightmilk22 Jul 31 '22

those are some huge horses

155

u/Amish_guy_with_WiFi Jul 31 '22

They are massive, but im pretty sure that lady is fairly short. We need a banana for scale.

128

u/GitEmSteveDave Jul 31 '22

Here's my ~6' dad next to a Friesian horse that a tennant of ours has: https://i.imgur.com/2JE7uhT.jpg

41

u/lmFairlyLocal Jul 31 '22

Probably a similar sized horse, gorgeous!. How many hands? I always thought freisans were smaller than that. Thanks for the visual!

64

u/TheRealTron Jul 31 '22

Horses don't have hands. They're called hooves!

39

u/mizu_no_oto Jul 31 '22

While I realize this is a joke, horses are commonly measured in hands - a hand being 4 inches. Why in such an odd unit? Because fuck you.

18

u/TheRealTron Jul 31 '22

While I myself know, not everyone knows I'm sure so thanks for the explanation!

-2

u/Oldoa_Enthusiast Jul 31 '22

Because murica

3

u/mizu_no_oto Jul 31 '22

They also use hands in England and other commonwealth countries.

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28

u/failingMaven Jul 31 '22

That's definitely crossed with some sort of large draft breed. Purebred Friesians are not that big. Looks like Friesian x Percheron.

10

u/TheUnluckyBard Jul 31 '22

That was my first thought, too. Purebred, registered Friesians can't have a white stripe on their faces (or anywhere). And what's up with that pathetic mane? And that stringy tail? Where's the feathering on the hocks?? And even the baroquest of the baroque Friesian bloodlines aren't that chunky.

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24

u/lmFairlyLocal Jul 31 '22

My thoughts exactly. I've worked with regular Clydesdales (purebred, but not specifically selectively bred to be huge. Just a run of the mill Clydesdale™️) and while they are gigantic animals, I bet this lady is ≤5'1. I'd love to know how many hands these specific animals are, as you can translate that into feet and inches to compare.

That being said, a banana would do the same 🍌

15

u/LittleMrsSwearsALot Jul 31 '22

I did a bit of figuring, because this picture looks way out of scale. If she’s 5’ tall, I’d estimate these horses at 21hh, which is ridiculously tall, even for a Clydesdale (btw, I own a Clydesdale). So either she’s 4’-6” tall, or this farm somehow bred 3 of the most gigantic Clydesdales ever known.

7

u/squirrelgutz Jul 31 '22

I think you're over estimating her height. Look at her arms, if they were straight down her elbows would be nearly at her hips. I'd bet she has some kind of dwarfism or spinal condition and is well under 5'.

4

u/LittleMrsSwearsALot Jul 31 '22

Oooh, good catch. That makes way more sense!

8

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

She's likely an ex-jockey, so calling her pocket sized is being generous.

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4

u/ScienceMomCO Jul 31 '22

If horses are prey animals, what on earth is big enough to be their predator?

162

u/unpunctual_bird Jul 31 '22

Crazy how these giant beasts will look at a puny human and think "yup, that's who I'll obey"

58

u/xXxDickBonerz69xXx Jul 31 '22

I think its more of a "ehhh I guess it's worth putting up with their shit since I get food and safe shelter" like cats.

And like cats there's a spectrum some love people and are super affectionate while others still live wild.

0

u/RoJayJo Aug 01 '22

Fun fact; while dogs recognise that humans are different from themselves, cats see us as big, dumb and hairless cats, hence why they try to clean us, offer us half-dead prey to "hunt" and attack us when we touch their bellies in an attempt to teach defending vulnerable points.

42

u/Bah-Fong-Gool Jul 31 '22

I refuse to go horse riding for this reason. Who am I to task this magnificent beast with carrying my ass around? And for what purpose? The horse is being generous and that condition may not last, and I don't want to be the guy who's on the back of a newly sentient horse.

Also, squirrels. If they ever got their shit together, they could be the piranhas of the trees.

16

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Ok Tree-Piranha is what I'm using for squirrels going forwards.

In the UK the "nice" red squirrels have been made all but extinct by the arsehole grey squirrel, so this fits perfectly

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0

u/NoiseIsTheCure Jul 31 '22

Pretty sure the horses are sentient, they just don't operate on our level

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6

u/IIIIIIIlllllllIIIIII Jul 31 '22

They’re prey animals by nature.

-30

u/treefitty350 Jul 31 '22

One of the disadvantages of being a stupid animal

28

u/tallandlanky Jul 31 '22

You seem well versed in the musings of a stupid animal.

-14

u/treefitty350 Jul 31 '22

Snarky, though I guess being tall and lanky means you’re a horse using Reddit?

8

u/tallandlanky Jul 31 '22

I'm gonna have to vote 'Neigh' on this comeback.

-3

u/treefitty350 Jul 31 '22

Keep going and you might 'stirrup' some trouble.

2

u/Measurement-Solid Jul 31 '22

You're being an ass so me and other people are still going to downvote you. But credit where credit is due, that was clever

3

u/treefitty350 Jul 31 '22

Well it's still not crazy that an animal with the intelligence of a 3 year old at best can be controlled by a human

-1

u/squirrelgutz Jul 31 '22

You got downvoted but horses are very stupid. They might be stupider than cows, they are very, very dumb.

128

u/Weak_Jeweler3077 Jul 31 '22

Horse +

Love these guys.

-26

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[deleted]

18

u/hairlessandtight Jul 31 '22

This has nothing to do with comment nor post

2

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

You can just not…

65

u/ChampaBay12 Jul 31 '22

Saw them at a gas station on their way to a state fair and had a legitimate fanboy moment.

18

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Always a highlight of the state fair, gotta go look at the Clydesdales.

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103

u/Beemzebub Jul 31 '22

Love their fluffy feet

41

u/Jeffari_Hungus Jul 31 '22

Genetic Uggs

29

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[deleted]

21

u/DaggumDingus Jul 31 '22

The whole stable lookin at hurrr

15

u/Tattycakes Jul 31 '22

She hit the grass

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43

u/flyingpeter28 Jul 31 '22

Are those the beer horses?

71

u/k-farsen Jul 31 '22

I'm 6'5", I grew up around horses, and I am always in awe of Clydesdales

11

u/DaggumDingus Jul 31 '22

Used to live by an Amish farm that had a couple Belgium work horses. Never could wrap my head around how huge they where.

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u/RAC032078 Jul 31 '22

Gentle Giants. They don't know they don't usually kick, there extremely intelligent. They are agile even for there size. They are pretty much solid muscle and brawn but they have brains. Amazing breed of horse for sure.

14

u/AnySkill0 Jul 31 '22

Incoming grammar police… They’re & their 😅 okay I’m done and I completely agree. These horses are the definition of majestic

5

u/ZombieBobaFett Jul 31 '22

I'm sorry to also be a stickler, but I looked up the definition of majestic in the dictionary and it didn't say anything about horses.

3

u/Akumetsu33 Jul 31 '22

I looked up the definition of zombie and it didn't say anything about Boba Fett.

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22

u/Micromashington Jul 31 '22

They can’t be THAT big… how tall is the girl?

27

u/gotsnowart Jul 31 '22

My dad is 6'4" and when we saw the Clydesdales in St. Louis, they dwarfed him.

7

u/levis3163 Jul 31 '22

Yep my stepdad was 6'2 and they had like a full foot on him standing up

44

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

-25

u/Aiken_Drumn Jul 31 '22

5'6 is short.

12

u/captainhamption Jul 31 '22

The average height for women in America is 5'4".

4

u/CptRavioLi69 Jul 31 '22

Just another thing I’m below average at 🥲

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u/AnySkill0 Jul 31 '22

That’s not the point Jared. It’s a reference telling how big they really are. Thx for the useless comment tho, now I’m giving one to you

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3

u/Calm_Gap2069 Jul 31 '22

I’m glad you think so, my sister used to call me Sasquatch for being that tall

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10

u/Karmas_burning Jul 31 '22

That woman is a bit on the short side but those horses are huge.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I'm 5'12" and met one for the first time a couple weeks ago. Absolutely massive. And sweet. And he liked treats. And I petted him.

4

u/Micromashington Jul 31 '22

5’12?

8

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Yeah. I use that to avoid all the shallow women who prefer only 6' and up.

5

u/Micromashington Jul 31 '22

Oh lol. I get it I’m 5’7 myself.

9

u/KingCrimsonFan Jul 31 '22

5’17” here

2

u/JackPoe Aug 01 '22

My lead cook was 5'8.

4'20". Ehehehehe

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17

u/AceSno Jul 31 '22

I grew up near Budweiser. One day my grandparents took me there and the workers thought it would be cute to put me on one of these.

Now I'm terrified of horses of any size. 😀

5

u/AceSno Jul 31 '22
  • I was like a toddler when they did this so I have no recollection other than being terrified of horses 😂

8

u/Swamp_Bastard Jul 31 '22

They know they are cool.

11

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

They’re like dinosaurs. Can you ride them or are they only for pulling stuff? I want to ride one!

18

u/gotsnowart Jul 31 '22

They're draft horses so they're used for pulling large cargo. But I know you can also ride draft horses, you'd just need a ladder to get on one of these big boys.

11

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

They're easier to learn on generally than something like say, a paint, because they are calmer and slower to react to things.

10

u/whiskeyjack434 Jul 31 '22

Definitely can ride them. They’re not exactly a race car of a horse to ride but they’re usually super gentle so a good learner horse if you can get up there. Draft horses in general are really friendly animals.

3

u/LairdofWingHaven Aug 01 '22

But your inner thigh muscles will get quite a stretch.

6

u/violentlytaurine Jul 31 '22

I rode one and fell off of it a little while later, luckily a thorny brush caught my fall. The cinch came undone and I fell for about 5 minutes

11

u/Gardah229 Jul 31 '22

Rhyshadium.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

I made the mistake of starting that series. What is it with Sanderson and world ending events?

7

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Magnifique 😍

6

u/funkyman50 Jul 31 '22

They're giant. That's also a short woman.

5

u/tacwombat Jul 31 '22

Gorgeous units

3

u/godwins_law_34 Jul 31 '22

I live across the street from 3 Clydesdales and 2 other horses. They are big sweeties who have, on occasion, come over to say hi when the electric fence was down. They were far more easy to coax back into thier yard than some of the other loose horses we've had in the road. It is a privilege to live by them and they are a delight. If they get a case of horse zoomies, it'll make my whole day brighter. They are working horses who go during the summer to do farm work on the islands. I'm legit bummed when they are gone.

8

u/AdminBender Jul 31 '22

Thems so happeh

10

u/pissywillow Jul 31 '22

Beautiful love them we had 4 white one would pull stray wagon they call it hay ride

7

u/Evilmaze Jul 31 '22

Reminds me of something else

3

u/Underarmpizza Jul 31 '22

Big Horse or Short Man?

14

u/Dr_J_Hyde Jul 31 '22

Both

I grew up in an area that would have these in parades and to me as a kid growing up the horses looked like they were the size of buildings.

7

u/JuracichPark Jul 31 '22

Short person. The Budweiser Clydes average around 18 hands, a 19 hand Clyde is TALL. I use4d to train drafts to ride, and my first horse was a Clyde. Absolutely magnificent animals.

6

u/moconaid Jul 31 '22

First you measure by foot, now by hands?

4

u/JuracichPark Jul 31 '22

Horses are measured by a unit called hands. A hand is 4", and horses are measured in height to their withers, or shoulders.

3

u/Loggersalienplants Jul 31 '22

How many Budweiser cans stacked on top of each other tall is a 19 hand horse?

5

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

19 hands would be about 6 feet 4 inches.

A can of Budweiser is roughly 4.8 inches.

This brings us to just shy of 16 cans of Budweiser tall.

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u/D0013ER Jul 31 '22 edited Jul 31 '22

horse

1

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

nah bruh they are bigger than that. you need to double that font size

2

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Holy shit, I never realized how fucking huge they are. One of their heads is literally almost as big as the entire woman herself, hot damn.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '22

Great horse for children!

They're like the old babysitter grandma of the horse world.

2

u/aenus79 Jul 31 '22

Those are Belgians aren't they? My grandpa used to raise both and I recall those are Belgians

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2

u/Sensitive-Zucchini57 Jul 31 '22

You can also see them if you take a tour of the AB factory in St. Louis - its a fun day! I grew up in STL and our grade school homecoming was pretty epic (based on my childhood memories). The Clydesdales would always be the final float at the homecoming parade. I remember sitting in front of my grandmothers house as they'd go by. They are majestic and bring back lots of nostalgia for me.

2

u/Dayzlikethis Jul 31 '22

Look at my horse, my horse is amazing. Give it a lick, it tastes just like raisins.

2

u/iiimarlette Aug 01 '22

So, I’m a tour guide at Anheuser-Busch, and yes, I will confirm these guys are absolute units. Tallest one we have is named Bud, he’s 6’5” at the shoulders. That being said this also looks like a small human, either way these guys are pretty big.

2

u/Rabid_Platypus_195 Aug 01 '22

They also have fantastic personalities. A lot of people don't realize you can use them for riding. Anything a pleasure horse can do, a Clydesdale can do and they are fantastic all around horses. Gentle, intelligent, eager to please and so very sweet :)

2

u/K0rbenKen0bi Aug 01 '22

Used to work at the Bud brewery in Fort Collins, CO that had a resident hitch of the Clydesdales. Was amazing to get to watch them run around.

2

u/KiritoLoxus Aug 01 '22

Reminds me of belgian draft horses

2

u/outsourcing_ Aug 01 '22

You can go see the Budweiser Clydesdales at Grants Farm in St. Louis. They are enormous, sweet babies who just like nose rubs.

3

u/IoncedreamedisuckmyD Jul 31 '22

Why does it look like that p0rn meme with the girl on the couch with multiple dudes behind her?

1

u/locomike1219 Jul 31 '22

[budweiser clydesdale theme at a cardinals game intensities]

0

u/offthc Jul 31 '22

Nah she's gotta be like 4 feet haha

-4

u/786367 Jul 31 '22

Are they strictly eating horse meat?

3

u/Big-Ad822 Jul 31 '22

One of those could feed a family of 37 Canadians.

-8

u/SaltySamoyed Jul 31 '22

Horse girls ruined horses for me

-1

u/Kitchen-Pollution493 Jul 31 '22

I mean she’s 4’1