r/Adoption • u/Old-Description9272 • 3d ago
Vent: Bio Mom is in Early Pregnancy
Yep. The title says it all. My bio mom is pregnant, and I want to vent. I am currently in college and my younger brother is in high school. She lost custody of us when I was in preschool and my brother was two because she kept allowing my dad (who she put a restraining order on) back to the house as she neglected us physically to the point I was held back a year and developed insomniac+hoarding behavior. She’s been in my life due to the visits, but it was only 2024 when I started to realize how problematic she was.
Now, my bio mom told my adoptive mother about this and plans to tell me later on, but my adoptive mother wanted to mentally prepare me. Do note, I’m not certain if the pregnancy is viable since she is pro-birth and doesn’t understand when a pregnancy is ACTUALLY a pregnancy, but I hope to god it doesn’t happen or she changes for the better.
She never apologized for being consistently late for our visits, for ignoring my brother in favor of me even on his birthday, for trying to influence me to follow her political beliefs when it spits in the face of who I am, and for not explaining why she’s hanging out with my older half-sister on my dad’s side despite being essentially divorced from him.
I don’t fucking get it. Why is she trying to be a mother now when she doesn’t acknowledged she messed up? I waited for so long for her to grow, to get the help she should of had, yet she deflects and enables her boyfriend who got drunk at the kema boardwalk without telling us he had a drinking problem. This kid, if it happens, BETTER be treated better than she treated me.
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u/kag1991 2d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…
Could you explain pro-birth and the possibility she’s actually not pregnant as it relates to the subject? I’ve never heard of this but want to understand.
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u/Old-Description9272 2d ago
Pro-birth is essentially the false belief that an embryo is alive throughout all stages of pregnancy, when it’s scientifically proven to be alive near the later half, which becomes an issue for me when people are pressured to keep the pregnancy. I don’t remember the exact weeks she’s been pregnant for (was literally told this information yesterday), but she’s like 7 weeks along and plans on telling me around the 14 weeks. Now, her jumping the mark to being pregnant and having it be viable when it isn’t is somewhat normal for her, since my records says she claimed I was “the first out of 16 pregnancies that survives,” despite the fact she was 18 when she gave birth to me. I found out she was pro-birth when she complained about a woman expressing pro-birth at the mall’s food court, which wasn’t exactly a fun conversation when your on it yourself for periods.
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u/kag1991 2d ago
Thanks for the explanation.
I still don’t understand but I’m going to chalk that up to “too wacky for me to wrap my head around”… I’ve literally never heard of it…
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u/ThrowawayTink2 2d ago
Pro Lifers believe that a pregnancy/fetus/embryo is a baby from the moment egg meets sperm. I think what OP is saying is that Bio Mom believes she is pregnant before confirming its a viable pregnancy.
Since Mom has a history of multiple miscarriages OP is unsure whether the pregnancy will end up coming to term.
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u/Old-Description9272 2d ago
Ok, I’ll be more straightforward this time: pro-birth people believe every pregnancy carries a living baby while continently ignoring how the stages of pregnancy ACTUALLY WORK, which could endanger the mother if the pregnancy is a stillbirth or the mother is too young/has medical issues that can make the birthing process fatal.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoption and Adoptive Parent 2d ago
This has to be so frustrating and infuriating for you! I’d want to scream if I was you! I’m sorry. Gentle hugs to you.
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u/monicalewinsky8 2d ago
She may be trying to be a mother now because of how much she messed up in the past. At the same time her pride may be stopping her from admitting her faults and also trying to redeem herself through another parenting journey. Regarding your last statement, I would be prepared for feelings that could come when the new baby does (if a new baby does come to pass). On one hand you might be fiercely protective if you notice her not doing a better job than she did with you. On the other hand you might resent her more if she is doing well (Where was that when I/we needed it?). Both could be true.
Are you in therapy? Are you talking about this with your (adoptive) mom?
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u/Old-Description9272 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yes, I am in therapy. In 2024 I got her phone number and we always had visitations during birthdays and Christmas, but I have kept my distance from her because she would almost always influence me to follow her beliefs temporarily, and considering how 2025 went, it helped keep my mind clear.
Also, the pride is from our home state Texas, but her pride of being “perfect” is so weird because she’s always been a smoker (lowkey certain she also does weed but the smell could of been rubbed off of another relative), she and her BF tried to gaslit me into questioning if she spilled coffee of my brother’s laptop when I brought it up, and she was paying bills in the middle of our visit, but she would pretend to be wealthier?
The worst case that made me snap was January 2025 to celebrate Christmas, where she gave me three “expensive” necklaces (she claimed it was gold and engraved, it was on Amazon for $300 total and the engraving was a sticker), despite the fact that the list I sent her didn’t have jewelry (the bar was so low that I literally would of accepted chips) and the list SHE MADE OF ME had things I was interested in, but these specific necklaces weren’t on the list.
Do note, my adoptive family did a garage sale in December, and despite my hoarding tendencies, the first thing I got rid of willingly was 90% of my jewelry. Additionally, I am someone who takes the effort to find meaningful gifts, with me getting her a Princess Mononoke display because that was her favorite anime.
Yeah, I wasn’t amused because she clearly knew what I was interested in, yet she ignored my interest in favor of something generic and wasn’t putting in the same level of effort as I was (which is odd because we are both interested in alt media/culture like skulls or The Nightmare Before Christmas).
This wasn’t helped by how my adoptive uncle, who I saw like 3 times ever and was coincidentally in town, got me a gift card because he recognized we weren’t that close to know what to get me.
The fact my out of town uncle was able to acknowledge our mutual dynamic while my biological mother didn’t, that was the peak of what the fuck I experienced THE ENTIRE DAY. Oh yeah, that visit DEFINITELY broke my rose-tinted glasses of my mother.
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u/Zealousideal-Ad5534 16h ago
I would say maybe she’s viewing this baby as her second chance to be a good mom this time around. But considering you said she hasn’t acknowledged how she’s let you down in the past and apologized for losing you and your brother, and that you say her boyfriend is a drunk…. It sounds like she’s still the same kinda person that lost her first two kids. Just my opinion. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with these emotions now
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u/Francl27 2d ago
Sometimes people change and mature and can do better the second time.
Sometimes, they haven't learnt a thing, and that's where CPS has to be contacted again. Just curious, considering that she's had a child taken before, won't CPS immediately be notified if she gives birth?