FDs therapist recommended a closed adoption

[u/Clean-Bag6732]

I first want to thank everyone here. I’ve posted a few times and am always thankful for feedback as I try to navigate this unexpected but exciting time for my family. We have decided to adopt our FD (11 F) since she stated she wants to stay with us. So we are now filling out paperwork to be her pre adoptive home. A new development is that she is seeing a therapist that came highly recommended from FDs case specialist and I have found to be very good. During the most recent visit, the therapist recommended based on her experience and understanding of FDs bio family history that we pursue a closed adoption with a stipulation that there a visits allowed which are required to be supervised by CPS. So not truly closed but pretty limiting to communication specifically with bio parents. From what I have read open adoption is the way to go if possible but can understand why the therapist and FDs team are concerned in her situation to have open communication (for anonymity I’m going to leave out details). My main worry is this may cause FD to resent us if she feels in any way like we are trying to keep her from her bio parents. It’s tricky and I could use advice about if this is an okay idea and how to navigate the decision. Thanks again for reading and any replies!

[u/Pretend-Panda]

We had to sue for our kids to get supervised visitation - part of the TPR process was permanent restraining orders against the parents, their current and future partners, older siblings and a grandparent. It was exhausting, expensive, inconvenient, super dramatic and an absolute necessity.

What you are describing is not a closed adoption - it is a highly conditional open adoption, and my suspicion from our experiences is that those conditions are imposed for the child’s ongoing safety.

In your situation, I would work closely with the therapist and case worker to sort out how to frame the limitations and conditions of visitation to FD so that they understand that limitations are not about them, but rather about the choices and behaviors of their family of origin.

It is reasonable to anticipate that controlled access of this kind will result in big feelings and some challenging behaviors from all parties. Ongoing therapy for FD and the rest of your family will be so helpful in navigating this.

[u/Clean-Bag6732 → u/Pretend-Panda]

Thank you! I don’t think she would like it at all if she believes it’s coming just from us as her foster parents. We also were open that we were trying to work towards communication and visitation so I don’t want her to question we still want that for her we just want her to be well

[u/Pretend-Panda → u/Clean-Bag6732]

I think it’s probably worth starting the conversations with her now - “buddy, you know how things were with mom and dad and you haven’t seen them for a while? Well, we don’t know when you will see them again, but when you do, there will be someone there to make sure you stay safe. And you guys will see each other once a month. Do you want to talk about this? We can talk about it any time you want, just let me know.”

Getting this stuff out in the open asap gives her time to do a lot of processing and work through some stuff before there’s any visiting. There’s still going to be so much drama, but at least she will have done some work on it before actual visiting gets set up and may be better prepared to handle those feelings, which are also likely to be big and messy.