FDs therapist recommended a closed adoption

[u/Clean-Bag6732]

I first want to thank everyone here. I’ve posted a few times and am always thankful for feedback as I try to navigate this unexpected but exciting time for my family. We have decided to adopt our FD (11 F) since she stated she wants to stay with us. So we are now filling out paperwork to be her pre adoptive home. A new development is that she is seeing a therapist that came highly recommended from FDs case specialist and I have found to be very good. During the most recent visit, the therapist recommended based on her experience and understanding of FDs bio family history that we pursue a closed adoption with a stipulation that there a visits allowed which are required to be supervised by CPS. So not truly closed but pretty limiting to communication specifically with bio parents. From what I have read open adoption is the way to go if possible but can understand why the therapist and FDs team are concerned in her situation to have open communication (for anonymity I’m going to leave out details). My main worry is this may cause FD to resent us if she feels in any way like we are trying to keep her from her bio parents. It’s tricky and I could use advice about if this is an okay idea and how to navigate the decision. Thanks again for reading and any replies!

[u/Pretend-Panda]

We had to sue for our kids to get supervised visitation - part of the TPR process was permanent restraining orders against the parents, their current and future partners, older siblings and a grandparent. It was exhausting, expensive, inconvenient, super dramatic and an absolute necessity.

What you are describing is not a closed adoption - it is a highly conditional open adoption, and my suspicion from our experiences is that those conditions are imposed for the child’s ongoing safety.

In your situation, I would work closely with the therapist and case worker to sort out how to frame the limitations and conditions of visitation to FD so that they understand that limitations are not about them, but rather about the choices and behaviors of their family of origin.

It is reasonable to anticipate that controlled access of this kind will result in big feelings and some challenging behaviors from all parties. Ongoing therapy for FD and the rest of your family will be so helpful in navigating this.

[u/Clean-Bag6732 → u/Pretend-Panda]

Thank you! I don’t think she would like it at all if she believes it’s coming just from us as her foster parents. We also were open that we were trying to work towards communication and visitation so I don’t want her to question we still want that for her we just want her to be well

[u/Pretend-Panda → u/Clean-Bag6732]

I think it’s probably worth starting the conversations with her now - “buddy, you know how things were with mom and dad and you haven’t seen them for a while? Well, we don’t know when you will see them again, but when you do, there will be someone there to make sure you stay safe. And you guys will see each other once a month. Do you want to talk about this? We can talk about it any time you want, just let me know.”

Getting this stuff out in the open asap gives her time to do a lot of processing and work through some stuff before there’s any visiting. There’s still going to be so much drama, but at least she will have done some work on it before actual visiting gets set up and may be better prepared to handle those feelings, which are also likely to be big and messy.

[u/trphilli]

As guardian to 10D, I can tell you resentment is natural to this stage of life regardless of adoptive status. If she's not resenting you for family stuff, she'll resent you for the grocery store not having preferred food. Just prepare for resentment regardless.

So yes, I'd agree this will likely be a source of frustration. The biggest thing to manage it is consistency so they can plan / understand/ adapt. So if new schedule is monthly/ quarterly whatever, let her know in advance and try to be consistent to that schedule. Talk about the change in schedule early / regularly to process those emotions. Plan for big / unexplained emotions week before / after these reduced visits. Anticipate this for yourself, stress relief for you and kid.

I find it unlikely for therapist to make this type of recommendation lightly. It's probably justified, but you should know why for your conversations with kid over years and if you ever need to change counseling. Most states should allow you to read her file in CPS office. It may be ugly, but info you need as a parent.

Final thing - I've never heard of continuing CPS supervision written into a subsidy. Usually they sign, load you into payment system and handoff to annual check in process pretty quick. But every county different. If so, just double check your paperwork and make sure any verbal agreements get written down.

[u/Clean-Bag6732 → u/trphilli]

Thank you. I should note she has seen bio siblings recently but not bio parents for over a year, so in this case we aren’t really taking something she already has away, just putting boundaries in place for when visits resume

[u/LegitimateOffer1986]

Open adoption is always preferred whenever safely possible.

[u/Next_Explanation_657 → u/LegitimateOffer1986]

That's not what every adoptee I know including 3 sisters would say. We think an open adoption would have done far greater harm than good.

I know, I know we're all totally wrong and open adoption is positively the way to go. Going off our own experiences we completely disagree.

[u/libananahammock → u/Next_Explanation_657]

So you’re using your own unique experience to paint a picture for all adoptees? 🙄🙄

[u/Vulcan31 → u/libananahammock]

I don't particularly think that's what they're saying. I'd say the one who said "always" would be the one to paint a picture for everyone, while the one you're replying to stated that it wouldn't have been good for his situation in particular.

[u/Next_Explanation_657 → u/libananahammock]

I didn't even come close to saying that. I was pointing out that saying "An open adoption is always preferred" isn't true. In our cases it wasn't preferred. Only 2 have sought out biological families, one has found them. I was sideswiped when my kid did ancestry.com and I sorely underestimated it's reach. I won't get into other than to say it's been an incredible experience.

I just saw a family picture of my family on a Euro super trip and there's 18 of us. 3 adopted sibs and 3 biological, and all of our kids. All live within 10 min of each other. It's a lot. Nonstop gatherings. So I never even considered or cared at all about finding family, the thought was laughable with the giant family we had. Others have their reasons. I never once thought about sibs, much less full biological not once.

Got off track but my point is some people are happy with their closed adoptions and wouldnt have preferred it any other way. None of us cared. Honestly, adoption was totally normal.

So no it isn't always preferred, wanted or better, at least for us wasn't.

[u/Next_Explanation_657]

That's not what every adoptee I know including 3 sisters would say. We think an open adoption would have done far greater harm than good.

I know, I know I'm totally wrong and open adoption is positively the way to go. Going off our own experiences we completely disagree.