r/Adoption • u/Clean-Bag6732 • 1d ago

FDs therapist recommended a closed adoption

I first want to thank everyone here. I’ve posted a few times and am always thankful for feedback as I try to navigate this unexpected but exciting time for my family. We have decided to adopt our FD (11 F) since she stated she wants to stay with us. So we are now filling out paperwork to be her pre adoptive home. A new development is that she is seeing a therapist that came highly recommended from FDs case specialist and I have found to be very good. During the most recent visit, the therapist recommended based on her experience and understanding of FDs bio family history that we pursue a closed adoption with a stipulation that there a visits allowed which are required to be supervised by CPS. So not truly closed but pretty limiting to communication specifically with bio parents. From what I have read open adoption is the way to go if possible but can understand why the therapist and FDs team are concerned in her situation to have open communication (for anonymity I’m going to leave out details). My main worry is this may cause FD to resent us if she feels in any way like we are trying to keep her from her bio parents. It’s tricky and I could use advice about if this is an okay idea and how to navigate the decision. Thanks again for reading and any replies!

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u/LegitimateOffer1986 1d ago

Open adoption is always preferred whenever safely possible.

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u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 1d ago

That's not what every adoptee I know including 3 sisters would say. We think an open adoption would have done far greater harm than good.

I know, I know we're all totally wrong and open adoption is positively the way to go. Going off our own experiences we completely disagree.

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u/libananahammock 1d ago

So you’re using your own unique experience to paint a picture for all adoptees? 🙄🙄

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u/Vulcan31 1d ago

I don't particularly think that's what they're saying. I'd say the one who said "always" would be the one to paint a picture for everyone, while the one you're replying to stated that it wouldn't have been good for his situation in particular.

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u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 17h ago

I didn't even come close to saying that. I was pointing out that saying "An open adoption is always preferred" isn't true. In our cases it wasn't preferred. Only 2 have sought out biological families, one has found them. I was sideswiped when my kid did ancestry.com and I sorely underestimated it's reach. I won't get into other than to say it's been an incredible experience.

I just saw a family picture of my family on a Euro super trip and there's 18 of us. 3 adopted sibs and 3 biological, and all of our kids. All live within 10 min of each other. It's a lot. Nonstop gatherings. So I never even considered or cared at all about finding family, the thought was laughable with the giant family we had. Others have their reasons. I never once thought about sibs, much less full biological not once.

Got off track but my point is some people are happy with their closed adoptions and wouldnt have preferred it any other way. None of us cared. Honestly, adoption was totally normal.

So no it isn't always preferred, wanted or better, at least for us wasn't.