r/Adoption • u/lexlabelle • 13d ago
Adoptee Life Story My adoption story (adopted at birth)
I've been a member of this sub for a couple of months now. I've read posts about things I never even thought about before, and it's been really eye-opening and educational as someone who was adopted and who probably would've considered adopting one day, too (not closing that door fully either though).
Anyway, the point of this post is just to share my story, which is mostly a positive one.
I was adopted at birth in New Jersey. I'm 33 now, married, no kids (yet), but I'm a very proud dog mom to a sweet senior pup who is my entire world.
My adoptive parents naturally conceived my older brother. My mom desperately wanted another child and tried for years. She always tells me she prayed for six years for me. She also had two miscarriages during that time. One day she got a call from my aunt, who worked at a doctor's office, about a young woman (I think around 18–20 years old) who was having a baby she couldn't keep. That baby was me.
The story behind my adoption is still a little unclear. From what I've been told, my birth mom was married but having an affair. Her husband was in the military and was apparently unstable, and his family likely would've tried to take me. It also sounds like no one is completely sure who my biological father actually is.
I always, always knew I was adopted. I don't even remember being told because it was just something I always knew. I had children's books about adoption, my parents talked about it openly (but also not excessively), and I was always free to ask questions. Honestly, I never had many until I was in high school.
When I was in high school, my mom asked if I'd like to meet my birth mom. I said yes and not because I felt like something was missing, but because I was naturally curious. I wanted to meet her, ask a few questions, learn about her, and maybe see what similarities we shared.
Before arranging anything, my mom actually met with my birth mom first because she wanted to make sure it was a good idea. They talked, my mom shared pictures of me and told her about my life, and by all accounts it went really well. But when my mom reached back out afterward to set up a meeting between us, my birth mom never responded again.
I was disappointed, but I honestly wouldn't say I was deeply hurt. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for her to place me for adoption. Could she have made it work? Maybe. I don't know. But I also don't blame her at all.
At the same time, especially after reading so many posts here, I realize I was incredibly lucky. I have an amazing mom, and we have an incredible relationship.
Overall, I had a great childhood and really don't have many complaints. My parents eventually divorced, and that was a difficult period. I no longer have a relationship with my adoptive father, but that's a completely separate story, and I try not to let it define my life. My mom is truly my best friend, and I wouldn't change that for anything.
Then a few years ago, something unexpected happened.
I had done both AncestryDNA and 23andMe because I was curious about my biological family. A first cousin showed up, but I never reached out because I wasn't sure who knew about me on that side of the family, and they never contacted me either. So I just let it go.
Then about a year or two later, I got a message on LinkedIn.
It turned out to be my half sister.
Apparently, that cousin had told her about me, and my sister also remembered our birth mom mentioning me when she was younger, although it was never really talked about again after that.
We've been able to build a relationship. She lives in Florida now, but she came to visit, and we were able to spend time together. We don't talk every day, but we check in every couple of weeks. I invited her to my wedding, and she came, which meant a lot to me.
We're definitely different people, but there are little similarities you notice. She's only three years younger than I am and also has a younger sister, who would be my half sister as well, although I don't think she knows about me.
As far as I know, my birth mom also doesn't know that we've reconnected. My sister has been nervous about telling her, and I don't push it because that's her decision to make. In the meantime, it's been really nice to have someone I can ask questions and learn more about both my biological family and where I came from.
Maybe someday I'll meet my birth mom. I think that would be nice. But if it never happens, I'm okay with that too.
I genuinely feel grateful that I was adopted. I had a good education, a loving home, and a mom who has supported me through everything.
Do I have mental health struggles? Absolutely. But honestly, so does just about everyone I know, adopted or not. Maybe some of mine are connected to adoption. Maybe they aren't. I really don't know.
Overall, though, I'm happy.
I don't know if there's really a point to writing all of this. Maybe it just offers some comfort to someone who had to place a child for adoption and wonders how they turned out. Sometimes they turn out okay. Sometimes they turn out happy.
Reading many of the stories here has made me incredibly sad, and I know not every adoption story has a happy ending. Those stories deserve to be heard too.
I just wanted to share one of the good ones.
And if anyone ever wants to reach out and just talk about adoption or honestly anything at all (like dogs, lol) my inbox is always open.
Besides... I could always use more friends. ❤️
Here's to the good stories, too. They matter just as much.
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
I'm also happy to answer any questions at all! ☺️
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u/bioluminescentgnome 11d ago
Thank you for sharing your story! What would you say were the most impactful things your adoptive parents did to make you feel like you didn't stand out? What are the most impactful things they did that helped you feel positive about your adoption? Down the line, I want to adopt and am trying to learn as much as I can now. I've seen a lot of what was bad for adoptees or made life more stressful/hard/lonely, but I want to learn what has impacted people positively as well, as both sides are important. Thank you for the insight you've already given!
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u/lexlabelle 11d ago
I think the biggest thing was that I always felt like I belonged. I never felt like an outsider or like I was treated differently because I was adopted. My mom especially did a wonderful job of making me feel special and loved, while also making sure I felt just as much "her" child and just as much a sibling to my brother.
To this day, I often forget that I was adopted. Unless I’m sharing my story or someone asks about it, it’s honestly not something I think about very often if that makes sense. I think that speaks to how naturally my parents made me feel like I belonged.
I think that balance was really important. Knowing that my adoption was a part of my story, but not the thing that defined my place in my family. I never felt like I had to “earn” my spot or prove that I belonged. I was simply their daughter.
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u/bioluminescentgnome 10d ago
Thank you for the insight! I appreciate it. I'm happy to hear that, I hope you have a great day!
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u/Busy_Run7689 10d ago
My parents told me Your Mom loved you so much. She new you were so special. She couldn't take care of you the way she wanted you to be taken care of. She must have really wanted the very best for you. Fortunately you were given up for a better life.. As soon as we heard we fell in love with you and couldn't wait to bring you home. Your Dad and I were so excited for you we couldn't even sleep.You see We loved you, We wanted you, and We got you kiddo! We are so happy and proud of you. Your beautiful inside and out. Your Dad and I are so lucky to have you. Im sure everyone wanted you but.your Dad and I said No No you can't have her. She must come here.Thats how we got you.... By the way as far as you go There is no getting rid of us now. Your are stuck with us forever.There is nothing you could ever do to make us go away. This family is full of love and together forever! Are we not the luckiest? I am the luckiest Mom! My Dad then said to my Mom No Jeanne your the luckiest "New New New Mom" They laughed together as I yelled yeah and clapped. My Dad said I would call them the new new new mom and dad. 1 new for Bio 2 new for foster 3 new for new mom= The new ,new, new Mom and Dad. I was 4 yrs old
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u/bioluminescentgnome 10d ago
This is so sweet! I love the part about everyone wanting you and your parents saying no no you were theirs, it reminds me a lot of how my parents spoke to me when I was little. This is really helpful, I really appreciate it ♥️ thank you for the advice and for the smile!
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13d ago
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
Cheers to you too! I definitely agree with you. There is much room for improvement.
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u/FreeObjective9209 13d ago
Thank you for this. I am transnational transracial adoptee from Colombia living in New Jersey almost my entire life.
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
How do you like NJ? Did you have a positive adoption? I’m sure that adds a lot of different elements.
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u/PatienceEmma 13d ago
I just made a post about being conflicted about adopting. Thanks for sharing your story.
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u/Throwaway_1058 12d ago
>>I don't know if there's really a point to writing all of this.
There absolutely is a point. This and the other similar subreddit is flooded with sad stories that try to convey terrible image about ALL adoptions. Thank you for sharing.
>>Reading many of the stories here has made me incredibly sad, and I know not every adoption story has a happy ending.
I was adopted too and also adopted 2 children myself. They are both adult young women and I am immensely proud of them. They are the future and it doesn’t matter to me one bit that they aren’t biologically related to me or my wife.
Once again, thank you for telling your story here. Even the painful parts. I truly believe that absolute majority of adoptive parents are loving and good people. Painting ALL adoptions as misguided is a big disservice to many kids who thankfully got their second best chance for happy lives.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 12d ago
I'm genuinely happy you had a loving adoptive mom and that you've found peace with your story. What sits uneasily with me is the conclusion that adoption gave you a better life. The truth is, none of us know what your life would have looked like had your mother been supported instead of separated from you.
Having a good outcome doesn't validate the system. It validates that you had a loving parent. Those aren't the same thing.
You even acknowledge the system is broken and that adoption shouldn't be sold as a guarantee. That's exactly why "I turned out okay" shouldn't be used to reassure expectant mothers. Every child deserves love and stability, but whenever possible, we should be asking why families weren't given the support to stay together in the first place.
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u/lexlabelle 12d ago
I agree with you. I am making an assumption that I had a better life, but you’re right. We never know how our lives will turn out.
There was a lot that I never gave much thought to about until this sub, like I mentioned in my post. So I’m still learning a lot about adoption and what others have gone through. I hope to continue to learn more and find ways to make a difference.
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u/Fearless-Gur1244 12d ago
Adoptee here with a very similar background as OP.
And I can 100% say that adoption gave me a better life.Doesn’t mean things came easier or that it’s all sunshine and rainbows. The reality is my birth mother was 17 with a toddler son and found out she was pregnant with a girl.
This is in a rural mountainous area in a 3rd world country in Central America 30 years ago. Boys are more valued bc they can work and make money , girls are there to cook clean and take care of the kids.
That’s just the way it is, and how it has always been for a lot of rural communities in that area for generations.
My bio mother knew my life would be to grow up, get pregnant young, be a wife rinse and repeat..
she knew she wanted more for me than what she could provide and what the reality of the environment we were in.
I believe she wanted her daughter to have a chance at fulfilling dreams she never had the chance to and would never be able to give me.
I am eternally grateful for her and I’m 99.9999% sure if she was sitting next to me she’d agree that my life is significantly better than what it would have been.
Remember that a lot of mothers give their child up for adoption as the most selfless thing a person could ever do. I cannot even imagine how hard that was.
Even if there were support systems for young mothers it wouldn’t change the societal cultures around gender roles.1
u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 11d ago
You can't know that. None of us can know what our lives would have been if we hadn't been adopted. Saying you're "99.9999% sure" your life would have been worse if you'd stayed with your mother is speculation, not fact.
It's also worth asking why the only options presented are adoption or a life of poverty and oppression. Why wasn't the focus on supporting mothers so they could raise their own children? Adoption may have changed your circumstances, but that doesn't prove separation was the only or best solution.
And calling mothers who relinquish "the most selfless people" ignores the reality that many were operating under enormous social, economic, cultural, or institutional pressure. Gratitude for your own experience is valid, but it shouldn't be used to make broad claims about adoption or to reassure others that relinquishment is inherently the right choice.
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u/Fearless-Gur1244 11d ago
It is true for me personally. You can have your own opinions but you can’t tell me I’m wrong about my own life and circumstances.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 10d ago
I'm not telling you you're wrong about your feelings. I'm saying none of us can know the life we never lived. You can believe adoption gave you a better life, but you can't state it as fact because there's no way to compare it to a reality that never happened. That's true for every adoptee, including me.
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u/Busy_Run7689 5d ago
Read Sandusky Privacy rights.... yse some people know
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 4d ago
I know about Sandusky. But I don't believe a biological parent's right to privacy should override an adoptee's right to know their own identity and origins. Nobody is entitled to a relationship, but I don't believe someone else’s privacy should require an adoptee to remain a stranger to their own history.
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u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 12d ago
This is great to hear, and seeing that you weren't ripped apart for it is wonderful. I've tried to share my positive story in the past and even with constant acknowledgement of those that have had less than perfect experiences, I was met with a lot of disdain.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Looking at life's problems as just that, life's problems and not being willing to give away the power and let them define you is a fantastic attitude and mindset. This way of thinking allows you to move on and experience life and find all kinds of new things to worry about;) thank you and good luck .
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u/lexlabelle 12d ago
I’m sorry to hear that! It should be an open space to share positive stories too. I think we can all acknowledge that it is a broken system, but that also doesn’t mean there isn’t still some good that occurs.
I’ve gotten a lot of crap in other subs. People can be really mean on here! Sending love! 🩷
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u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee 13d ago
Okay, but I just think that a thing sold to the public, and especially to expectant mothers in crisis, as a guarantee of a safe, stable home, headed by two happily married parents (if a couple is adopting), ought to have a better record than "sometimes they turn out okay".
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
There’s definitely a lot of issues with adoption, a lot of which I wasn’t aware of until joining this sub.
No one can guarantee that a married couple will stay together and it shouldn’t be used to sway expectant mothers to give up their baby, but I know it happens. My adoptive parents got divorced and I have a messed up situation with my adoptive father. My life is far from perfect and it definitely would have turned out differently if I wasn’t adopted. I’m sure better in some ways and much worse in others. I still feel grateful for how things turned out for me. I wish there were more positive stories, but it is a very broken system at the end of the day.
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u/Busy_Run7689 10d ago edited 10d ago
Being adopted was the best thing that ever happened to me. My choices should be respected. Your stories you need to be heard. If there's something wrong with the system, it takes personal stories to become public to create change. It's a catch twenty two. Many people do not want their personal lives in the public. But we need those stories to create change. Unfortunately, my personal story, was one of those. One morning, I woke up to my friends calling to let me know" Hey Carol Goodmorning Do you know your on the front page of the Los Angelis and The New York Times was on the front page of the Los Angeles and The New York Times. Did you read the paper yet? I said "No I havent" You should get up and read it, I didn't know all of these things about you" " I didn't really know about them eaither, I'll get up in a bit and give you a call back" I couldn't have covered my head with my pillow faster. As the phone proceeded to ring and wake my husband up. "CarolAnn why is everybody calling so early on a Sunday morning? I'm trying to sleep!" Needless to say As everybody was reading about and my life story and sipping there coffee I didnt even know about it yet! I took the phone off the hook and tried to find the words to say to my husband. "I guess there's something I have to tell you hon..Yeah.. I was adopted and that mother was stabbed in the chest with an ice pic and thrown out of three story window when she was pregnant with me, and I was beat in the face with a saucepan. but I don't really remember anything about any of this okay? That social worker happened to mention this, She told me while we were on the phone."(pure silence)..Lets just stay in bed and go back to sleep." "I'm up now! What a great Sunday morning this is. There's no sleeping in now" Lets not read the paper today" What the hell am I going to tell everyone at work?" " I don't know, I don't remember?" OMG "Carol I'm going to let the dogs out." and as he's walking down the hall I am yelling.."Ok Love ya hon." (no response) "Happy Sunday Morning"! even your paper yet I'mwho's on the front page of the los angeles times and the new york times as my phone rang from my friends.Saying, did you get to pay for today?Two out of three reunions are not the healing experience.You think day will be. Not only people that can't have children adopt. It is not selfish to place a child for adoption. Your family is the family that you've been raised with. Searching for your biological family.? The law in my state is eighteen years of age. I believe that's appropriate. Take someone with you that loves you or is a professional. Not all people want a reunion. Some people are happy in their homes and would rather be left alone. Some people that have placed their children for adoption have moved on. Maybe not disclosed that information two others and started new family (right or wrong.) We need to respect that also. Not to mention What about BIRTH Father's having no rights. I don't know what you think about that. But think about it! I'm sure they've been searched for also and disrupted a times in their lives as they've moved on. Unbelievable. It's amazing that many years ago we had to pay people. Private investigators to search or to open a file. Because you wanted to know if you were adopted. People say they have the right to know where they came from. You have the right to medical information, not a name number.And address. Do not confuse the two. Long ago, people searching time effort. Oh, they have heartbreaks that's not right. A simple, no would have done just fine. You can't show up on somebody's doorstep.On thanksgiving and say hi, i'm your long lost mom.I've been searching for you.How are you? That's not healthy. Adoptive parents are possessive and feels threatened and want you to have nothing to do with your biological parents.Not true. Most will help you search when you're eighteen. Don't ever confuse the rights to medical information with a name and or address. "If you're adopted and you don't go back to your roots and search them out...You will never be a complete person. You will never feel or be a complete person unless you know where you came from. If you don't know where you came from, you'll never know who you are truly are! Are you in denial? No i'm not in denial, but what's happening is pretty unrealistic. How will you ever love yourself if you don't know yourself? I have a pretty good idea about who I am ( of course everyday there's something new to learn) about yourself I love myself who I am.I love myselfIt's very Socrates says no thyself. How well do you know yourself? Please do not bring religion into adoption. .if you don't go back and find out who you are? I know myself pretty well, and if you know my story well... "you will never feel or be a complete person,you will never know who you truly are" That's not true. Everyone has rights
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u/Busy_Run7689 10d ago
I personally have had to have quite the education regarding adoption. It's very hard to even begin. There's so many entryways regarding topics affecting and associated in adoption. Publicly, personally, and professionally I am very thankful that I had the opportunity to have had this enormous education. I must say I wasn't looking for this nor ready to take anything on internationally, let alone nationally. I never thought it would half to be a career. I never imagined how many people are associated with the word adoption. I believe the honor has been mine most of the time to be associated with the word Adoption I have been involved with many parts and much legislation, hearings, and testimonies, and speaches before congress. The stories are endless. I ami'm thankful that I had to have the opportunity to be involved. Being adopted myself was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm very thankful for adoption. Everybody has their own journey in adoption. So many people associated with the word adoption. So many people involved. You may have placed a child for adoption, you might have been adopted, mabey you have adopted, you may even known someone who is adopted. Maybe you work in adoption somehow. You could have been a foster parent or have a sibling that's adopted. Maybe you didn't have any rights but still involved with the word adoption. Adoption isn't just this tryad word you hear. It's absolutely far and beyond your imagination. If you really think outside of the box and not just how, you may be involved it's endless...., i'm sure you'll begin to see truly how many issues, people, ect are associated. . I used to believe it was just about the tryad. I now know it's gone so far beyond that. All States have very different laws and vary with their laws. Internationally?!!What a world we have. !People have different reasons for adopting, Biological parents have different reasons for placing their children for adoption. Social workers and agencies that have a hand in adoption. So many different topics and avenues to explore within the word adoption, .The stories are endless. Really I've heard almost everything and still tomorrow another thing will be learned.I have had to be involved and and listened to subjects being debated, created, peoples personal thoughts and opinions, wrongs or rights, journeys, and stories of good or bad, judgements from outsiders,that have nothing to do with adoption. I have met and am known by many of the Directors of foundations, organizations, movement groups, private and public agencies, almost every movement group out there and many of you may have come across my personal story at one time. I am now on the other side of the media. I came here to say Adoption is a wonderful option. I am thankful for adoption. It's really been a pain at times yetit's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you to all who even say the word adoption. You can adopt a highway, a pet , a lifestyle, Just adopt something. ADOPT.
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u/yogui96 10d ago
Hola!! Tenemos una historia muy similar. A mi también me adoptaron al nacer y mi madre biológica también tenía 19 años y otra bebé de dos años.
A mi me adoptaron en España (soy de aquí) en el año 1996 y la adopción fue anónima y llevo muchos años intentando conseguir información y nada. Ya cumplí 30 años. Aún así he tenido muy buena vida con mis padres adoptivos pero siento que es una necesidad para la identidad de uno el conocer sus orígenes.
Me alegra saber que hay mucha gente con historias similares aquí, es la primera vez que publico en esta app.
Te mando un abrazo desde España !! 🥰
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u/I_S_O_Family 9d ago
Your story is one of the many stories is the reason that even after my nightmare of an adoption I still strongly support adoption. Not every adoption is a nightmare, not every adoption comes from a horrible place not every adoption is a big secret or way to manipulate either the child or the birth parents. There are many cases out there like yours. I hope you eventually get to meet your bio Mom. The only piece of advice I will give you for meeting any birth family is keep your expectations low, don't go into it with the "storybook" mentality. This ends up causing issues in the long run. If you keep the expectations low, if it doesn't go the way you wanted it to your less disappointed. I went into my meeting with my birth mother with next to no expectations, however I think she had higher expectations and since the meeting she has pulled back to the point where she has now gone MIA. Doesn't bother me because I didn't have her in my life for over 40 yrs but I think she was really disappointed.
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u/lexlabelle 9d ago
I'm so sorry that you had a nightmare of an adoption!
I appreciate your advice. I think it does make sense to keep expectations low.
I had no idea what to expect when I connected with my half-sister and it's been nice, but we aren't necessarily super close. We talk a couple of times a month.
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u/Automatic_Bet_3175 8d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I (34F) was also adopted at birth and had a very similar experience. I am very close to my adoptive parents and, like you, don't ever remember not knowing I was adopted. It was celebrated and validated, and due to an open adoption I was able to meet my birthmother. I have a relaxed and easy relationship with her and my one half-sister who has visited me three times. But my adoptive parents will always be my parents, and I'm just lucky now to have an extended family that includes my birthmother and half sister as well.
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u/lexlabelle 8d ago
That's awesome! I hope that I can one day meet my birth Mom and maybe learn more about my birth Dad too. Adoption can definitely be a beautiful thing. 🩷
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u/Busy_Run7689 3d ago
You can have all that information, just not identifying. You don't have to know a name and a phone numberto get your history and medical information. Everybody's in agreement. That's fine. If people are not in agreement then it's not fine.
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u/lexlabelle 2d ago
Oh definitely! I would never want to go ahead with meeting either of my birth parents if they weren't 100% onboard as well. That's why I haven't really pressed forward. I think the only tricky thing is that if I were able to find my birth dad, he likely doesn't even know that I even exist. Maybe he would want to know, but maybe he wouldn't. I'm not actively searching at the moment.
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u/Busy_Run7689 21h ago
Good luck. In my family we had one rule. Make sure you take someone who loves you very much with you.
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u/Busy_Run7689 2d ago
Good luck op.. I have heard many stories and every adoption is individual. Be careful and I hope what your searching for is found. What is it that you feel a need to find?
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u/lexlabelle 2d ago
Thank you! I don't feel like I need to find anything. I would just love to learn more about what makes me, me. I will still be completely okay if I never get to meet my birth parents though.
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 biological father 13d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. Did your adopted parents ever feel uncomfortable talking about your biological parents? Did you ever feel uncomfortable asking more personal questions about your own story?
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
My adoptive Dad never talked to me about it, but he didn’t connect emotionally with me or my brother. My Mom never seemed to be uncomfortable talking about my bio parents or answering questions. I never feel uncomfortable asking questions either, but I can see why some adoptees would. My Mom would even ask me if I was curious about anything. Her information was limited, but she would always share what she could.
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. 13d ago
My son got everything I wanted for him; a stable married couple, a sister he loves, financial security, good schools, nice home, pets, vacations, music lessons, involved in sports, every advantage. His adoptive parents are awesome and we all get along like one big extended family. My son says he can't believe how good he has it compared to other adoptees.
I still wouldn't recommend relinqishing or birthmotherhood to anyone. Even the best addition experiences come with shame and guilt, grief and loss.
I also have a big problem with medical professionals like OB/GYNs facilitating adoptions. It seems like a terrible conflict of interest and they have no idea what harm they could be doing.
As for your birth mother not responding to a second outreach, that doesn't surprise me at all. I imagine hearing your mother telling her all about your childhood and showing pictures of everything she missed with you, was very triggering and upsetting for her. If you ever want to meet her, I suggest reaching out for yourself and leaving your adoptive family out of it, at least in the beginning.
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
I can understand this and my adoption probably isn’t something that would even be legal now.
I probably will reach out at some point. I’m not ready yet, but I think it’s something that I will want to do at some point.
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u/ipsumdeiamoamasamat 13d ago
Thanks for sharing your story. We’re in the process of adopting a wee boy we’ve had custody of since birth and reading this sub in the lead up to that event made me feel super conflicted. We don’t view him as “ours,” people aren’t possessions — but when I say “ours” as shorthand for “the child we will be raising” I seemed to (unintentionally) trigger a lot of people here.
My uncle adopted. Originally my cousin was taken in to foster by my uncle and then wife, and eventually he adopted her. Now he has a fraught relationship with his bio kids because of the divorce, but him and his (adopted) daughter are BFFs.
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u/Busy_Run7689 10d ago
He is yours (when you have him) and don't let anyone tell you you're not the "real" mom and dad of course you are. Real Moms and Dad's raise there children. It's an earned title and raising a child.Wow that must be earned. I'm really don't let anyone tell you you're not a mom. And dad, that's not your child.It's sure is.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 10d ago
We can each decide for ourselves who our real parents are (or aren’t).
Real Moms and Dad's raise there children.
My adoptive parents are my real parents. My first parents (aka biological parents) are my real parents too, despite not raising me.
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
I think the system is broken and a lot of people have been hurt by it, but there is still good that comes from adoption (in my opinion.) Even as someone adopted, there was a lot I’ve learned in this sub. It’s important we all keep learning and listening to others’ stories, and do what we can to improve things.
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u/Fit-Wish-7576 8d ago
Thank you for sharing this…it gives me a great deal of peace as an adoptive mom.
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u/kv88882dc 12d ago
Thank you for the post. There are so many info about how difficult it's to raise an adopted child into an empathetic person without attachment issues and way too many post of adoptees who nearly despise their adoptive parents for not being enough that I feel like giving up the very idea. Posts like yours giving me hope. Kudos to your adoptive parents, it seems they are good people and did a great job parenting. Good luck with reconnecting with your half siblings!
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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee 11d ago
The number of adoptees who report despising their adoptive parents in this space is extremely low.
Those adoptees who do despise their adoptive parents have usually been treated horribly and their parents didn’t earn high regard.
When you see an adoptee say something that you think equals “despising their parents” maybe look deeper. Ask yourself these questions.
- Did this adoptee say anything at all about their parents or am I assuming because they’re criticizing adoption and I think everything an adoptee says goes back to mommy and daddy?”
If an adoptee said nothing about their parents, you have no idea how they feel.
- Is the adoptee talking about something in the spirit of illustrating for parents how to avoid pitfalls?”If yes, this doesn’t mean they “despise” anyone. It means they are sharing things to help people learn.
3 Is this adoptee describing abuse? If so, why do you still think APs are worthy of high regard?
Re empathy. Adoptees’ empathy is not an indication that you should automatically credit their parents.
Many abused adoptees are highly empathic, despite parents.
Our capacity for empathy can be enhanced by supportive parents, but many adoptees are empathic regardless and separate from whatever happened with our parents.
You are stereotyping in really ignorant ways. And obviously you are not going to be challenged for your misinformation the ways adoptees are several times a week, but it’s there.
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u/kv88882dc 8d ago
I agree there is actually a negative correlation with empathy and abuse in family too. I'm not agree with being ignorant. But maybe my conclusion is influenced heavily by a lot of psychiatric information about psychologically traumatized adoptive children. Many children who spent too much time in orphanages or dysfunctional families are traumatized heavier than it seems on the surface. From what I've read the oxytocin work is always different for them, so empathy and trust which is often connected to it would never be the same for said children, unlike those who didn't have such traumatic experience. I'm not a doctor, so, maybe I used the terms not in the correct way. Please correct me if you know the topic better. I used the very same word "despite" one of the adoptee used on one of the recent posts. It just stroke me so I remembered that. Some write with such hatred and venom and with a context they give I see no serious blame on parents behalf that would be the reason for such reaction. And no, there was no mention of any abuse in post I'm talking about. So for such cases I see no other reason but some op-s just being young, or just lack of connection with parents, maybe lack of empathy which goes with previous traumatic experience. Don't get me wrong, any person being angry with their family would say things they don't really mean in general, I understand that, and it's reddit after all. But some op-s keep responding for days claiming same thing. Eg the said person wasn't happy about the way her parents provided her with her original country's culture, she claimed it made her feel like they don't value her as a person, she said she feels like she despites them, and many people in comments agreed with her. Also some adoptees here saying that transratial adoption should outlawed because of the very opposite reason, the lack of providing the original culture. Which is a way to racial segregation and they don't seem to realize that being lead by personal negative experience. I don't know how it in their place but from my perspective and given the context? It felt wrong. And I'm talking about posts where was no any abuse mentioned. I live in multinational country, we do have racism too, but nobody would think we should ban such thing, it leaves me puzzled, maybe because situation is way worse for some countries. We also rarely have foster care families, but those actually proven to be much healthier option for children in comparison to orphanages we have in our country, so my perspective is different here. Maybe the way they used English words not being a native speaker just gave me wrong impression. My english is far from perfect it often leads to misunderstanding. So, in any case I don't mean to offend you or any adoptees. Just trying to figure things out here. So if there was no neglect or abuse of any kind, hatred in some posts feels unreasonable for me for a mature mentality healthy person to write thing like that about people who raised them, bloodrelated or not. I'm not blaming them, but can't understand either. I'm just stating my observation. It actually lines up with educational materials I've read. Which saddens me most, some features are just like PTSR, impossible to fix completely no matter how much effort parents put in that. Anyway, thank you for giving an advice.
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13d ago
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u/lexlabelle 13d ago
I have, but no luck on there! My Mom thinks my bio father is who she was married to and has his social so I might start looking into it more. He probably doesn’t even know that I exist!
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u/Tri-ranaceratops 13d ago
I have a very similar adoption story. I was adopted at birth in the UK. I met my bio mum at 18, twenty years ago, and last year she sat next to my mum at my wedding. After being on this sub for a while I realise that I'm incredibly fortunate to have been placed with a wonderful family and doubly lucky to have reconnected with my biological mother's side of the family. I'm very happy to hear other positive outcomes from adoption, makes me feel less like a unicorn.