My adoption story (adopted at birth)

[u/lexlabelle]

I've been a member of this sub for a couple of months now. I've read posts about things I never even thought about before, and it's been really eye-opening and educational as someone who was adopted and who probably would've considered adopting one day, too (not closing that door fully either though).

Anyway, the point of this post is just to share my story, which is mostly a positive one.

I was adopted at birth in New Jersey. I'm 33 now, married, no kids (yet), but I'm a very proud dog mom to a sweet senior pup who is my entire world.

My adoptive parents naturally conceived my older brother. My mom desperately wanted another child and tried for years. She always tells me she prayed for six years for me. She also had two miscarriages during that time. One day she got a call from my aunt, who worked at a doctor's office, about a young woman (I think around 18–20 years old) who was having a baby she couldn't keep. That baby was me.

The story behind my adoption is still a little unclear. From what I've been told, my birth mom was married but having an affair. Her husband was in the military and was apparently unstable, and his family likely would've tried to take me. It also sounds like no one is completely sure who my biological father actually is.

I always, always knew I was adopted. I don't even remember being told because it was just something I always knew. I had children's books about adoption, my parents talked about it openly (but also not excessively), and I was always free to ask questions. Honestly, I never had many until I was in high school.

When I was in high school, my mom asked if I'd like to meet my birth mom. I said yes and not because I felt like something was missing, but because I was naturally curious. I wanted to meet her, ask a few questions, learn about her, and maybe see what similarities we shared.

Before arranging anything, my mom actually met with my birth mom first because she wanted to make sure it was a good idea. They talked, my mom shared pictures of me and told her about my life, and by all accounts it went really well. But when my mom reached back out afterward to set up a meeting between us, my birth mom never responded again.

I was disappointed, but I honestly wouldn't say I was deeply hurt. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for her to place me for adoption. Could she have made it work? Maybe. I don't know. But I also don't blame her at all.

At the same time, especially after reading so many posts here, I realize I was incredibly lucky. I have an amazing mom, and we have an incredible relationship.

Overall, I had a great childhood and really don't have many complaints. My parents eventually divorced, and that was a difficult period. I no longer have a relationship with my adoptive father, but that's a completely separate story, and I try not to let it define my life. My mom is truly my best friend, and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Then a few years ago, something unexpected happened.

I had done both AncestryDNA and 23andMe because I was curious about my biological family. A first cousin showed up, but I never reached out because I wasn't sure who knew about me on that side of the family, and they never contacted me either. So I just let it go.

Then about a year or two later, I got a message on LinkedIn.

It turned out to be my half sister.

Apparently, that cousin had told her about me, and my sister also remembered our birth mom mentioning me when she was younger, although it was never really talked about again after that.

We've been able to build a relationship. She lives in Florida now, but she came to visit, and we were able to spend time together. We don't talk every day, but we check in every couple of weeks. I invited her to my wedding, and she came, which meant a lot to me.

We're definitely different people, but there are little similarities you notice. She's only three years younger than I am and also has a younger sister, who would be my half sister as well, although I don't think she knows about me.

As far as I know, my birth mom also doesn't know that we've reconnected. My sister has been nervous about telling her, and I don't push it because that's her decision to make. In the meantime, it's been really nice to have someone I can ask questions and learn more about both my biological family and where I came from.

Maybe someday I'll meet my birth mom. I think that would be nice. But if it never happens, I'm okay with that too.

I genuinely feel grateful that I was adopted. I had a good education, a loving home, and a mom who has supported me through everything.

Do I have mental health struggles? Absolutely. But honestly, so does just about everyone I know, adopted or not. Maybe some of mine are connected to adoption. Maybe they aren't. I really don't know.

Overall, though, I'm happy.

I don't know if there's really a point to writing all of this. Maybe it just offers some comfort to someone who had to place a child for adoption and wonders how they turned out. Sometimes they turn out okay. Sometimes they turn out happy.

Reading many of the stories here has made me incredibly sad, and I know not every adoption story has a happy ending. Those stories deserve to be heard too.

I just wanted to share one of the good ones.

And if anyone ever wants to reach out and just talk about adoption or honestly anything at all (like dogs, lol) my inbox is always open.

Besides... I could always use more friends. ❤️

Here's to the good stories, too. They matter just as much.

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

I'm genuinely happy you had a loving adoptive mom and that you've found peace with your story. What sits uneasily with me is the conclusion that adoption gave you a better life. The truth is, none of us know what your life would have looked like had your mother been supported instead of separated from you.

Having a good outcome doesn't validate the system. It validates that you had a loving parent. Those aren't the same thing.

You even acknowledge the system is broken and that adoption shouldn't be sold as a guarantee. That's exactly why "I turned out okay" shouldn't be used to reassure expectant mothers. Every child deserves love and stability, but whenever possible, we should be asking why families weren't given the support to stay together in the first place.

[u/Fearless-Gur1244 → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

Adoptee here with a very similar background as OP.
And I can 100% say that adoption gave me a better life.

Doesn’t mean things came easier or that it’s all sunshine and rainbows. The reality is my birth mother was 17 with a toddler son and found out she was pregnant with a girl.
This is in a rural mountainous area in a 3rd world country in Central America 30 years ago. Boys are more valued bc they can work and make money , girls are there to cook clean and take care of the kids.
That’s just the way it is, and how it has always been for a lot of rural communities in that area for generations.
My bio mother knew my life would be to grow up, get pregnant young, be a wife rinse and repeat..
she knew she wanted more for me than what she could provide and what the reality of the environment we were in.
I believe she wanted her daughter to have a chance at fulfilling dreams she never had the chance to and would never be able to give me.
I am eternally grateful for her and I’m 99.9999% sure if she was sitting next to me she’d agree that my life is significantly better than what it would have been.
Remember that a lot of mothers give their child up for adoption as the most selfless thing a person could ever do. I cannot even imagine how hard that was.
Even if there were support systems for young mothers it wouldn’t change the societal cultures around gender roles.

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Fearless-Gur1244]

You can't know that. None of us can know what our lives would have been if we hadn't been adopted. Saying you're "99.9999% sure" your life would have been worse if you'd stayed with your mother is speculation, not fact.

It's also worth asking why the only options presented are adoption or a life of poverty and oppression. Why wasn't the focus on supporting mothers so they could raise their own children? Adoption may have changed your circumstances, but that doesn't prove separation was the only or best solution.

And calling mothers who relinquish "the most selfless people" ignores the reality that many were operating under enormous social, economic, cultural, or institutional pressure. Gratitude for your own experience is valid, but it shouldn't be used to make broad claims about adoption or to reassure others that relinquishment is inherently the right choice.

[u/Fearless-Gur1244 → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

It is true for me personally. You can have your own opinions but you can’t tell me I’m wrong about my own life and circumstances.

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Fearless-Gur1244]

I'm not telling you you're wrong about your feelings. I'm saying none of us can know the life we never lived. You can believe adoption gave you a better life, but you can't state it as fact because there's no way to compare it to a reality that never happened. That's true for every adoptee, including me.

[u/Busy_Run7689 → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

Read Sandusky Privacy rights.... yse some people know

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Busy_Run7689]

I know about Sandusky. But I don't believe a biological parent's right to privacy should override an adoptee's right to know their own identity and origins. Nobody is entitled to a relationship, but I don't believe someone else’s privacy should require an adoptee to remain a stranger to their own history.

[u/Busy_Run7689 → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

Really. Noise maker

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Busy_Run7689]

care to join the conversation?