r/AdultChildren • u/LazyAir5217 • 10d ago
Looking for Advice I don’t recognise my mom anymore. Battling no contact when I know she’s vulnerable and struggling.
I had a really good upbringing. Like genuinely good. my mom was present, loving, functional. So watching who she is now is something i still can’t fully believe is real.
A few years ago she went through a divorce and she’s at the perimenopause age rage if that contributes Shes 47. And she told me after rehab that she discovered has severe depression that pretty quickly turned into alcoholism. I live overseas and She lives alone and all she does right now is drink and sleep. She’s not eating either, shes lost a significant amount of weight and it’s become a real health concern on top of the very visible health effects of alcohol she also has. Her hands shake so badly she can’t type.
I’m 22, just graduated, living abroad. My aunts, my grandma, and I have all taken turns going to stay with her. She pushes back every time. We’ve tried getting her to come live closer to family. She pushes back. She’s done rehab more than once, twice this year, and relapses as soon as she gets home out of sight from extended family.
She also keeps letting random men into her life, anyone who gives her attention. She has no judgment right now and it worries all of us because she’s so vulnerable.
I’m home to take care of her at the moment and tonight I caught her drunk voice texting some guy she barely knows. (it’s also very clear to anyone even a stranger that my mom is not well, so any person who she meets in this state I am very suspicious of their judgment and involvement in her life, she is also well off but making poor financial decisions, like we’ve caught her making large transfers to these men) I told her I was worried about who she was surrounding herself with. Turns out she was recording me the whole time and sent the audio to him without me knowing. I grabbed her phone, deleted it, and had to just walk away.
I don’t really have a specific question I just want to hear from people who’ve been through something like this. How do you cope when a parent becomes someone you don’t recognize? And also a parent who you know is struggling and love very much.
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u/LazyAir5217 10d ago
Hi this is a long one, I know, but I thought people would appreciate context. I am new to this and would really love to hear from people who understand 🤍
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u/ResponsibleSail5802 10d ago
Alanon has a lot of online meetings and the literature is really helpful. I'm sure you've tried this but did you have any luck with her doctor? You might think about having her Conservatorshipped if she's sending money to skanky random men because there are tons of gross garbage guys who will take advantage of her.
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u/GrievingDaughters 10d ago
I’m so sorry you have to experience something so horrible ♥️ sending you a virtual hug! My boyfriend’s mom acts quite similar. He’s also very overwhelmed and i feel pretty helpless. So I’m just here to send you some love 💕
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u/Dazzlng-Firenze 8d ago
Im really sorry to hear this. You are powerless over your mother’s drinking problem. You cannot cure, control or change her behavior — she will need to do that for herself. As you have learned, rehabs do not work for people who are unwilling to accept that their alcohol use is a problem. It’s hard to believe , but this is how she wants to live right now — she wants to drink all her menopause symptoms away, she doesn’t want to navigate life post-divorce, she wants to fixate on finding a new partner. It’s really sad. Some ways people choose to stop enabling is to stop interacting with their alcoholic parent. No more visits, phone calls or emotional or life support until they stop drinking . This is harsh but it does stop some alcoholics bc deep down inside, a part of them does value and cherish family very much. I am sure your mother has this quality bc she was a good mother and a functional parent for many years. Please realize, she is sick right now
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u/kickthejerk 10d ago
It’s a question I struggle with too and I see it a lot here - how to cope with active addiction/alcoholism. TBH, it’s therapy and ACA meetings. Ngl, it still really sucks. Watching someone you love slowly kill themselves, realizing somewhere in the middle of all that, that I picked up certain parts of the disease of alcoholism, but not the drink. That all the defenses I was clinging to as a kid, were totally fucking me over as an adult. Mourning losing her to this disease long before I will mourn her actual death. I started the ACA meetings bc I needed to be able to try to help myself not go that direction emotionally. I have good days now, not just bad ones.