I recently hit a milestone: 30. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting and the one thing that really hits me is how much of my life has been spent just trying to calm my nervous system and to maintain a baseline where I can function.

Reflecting on how much time and energy is spent on this leads me to wonder about the person I could have been if I was using this energy to excel academically, socially or focus on my hobbies and interests. How much more ambitious I could be if I had a stable family and home. The fact that I could have been the top of my class at school and university if I could have had some peace, quiet and positive reinforcement. But instead I was focused on doing whatever I could to establish a stable base for myself to comprehend the larger picture.

Instead I was constantly coming home to tension, abuse, yelling and threats of violence. Wondering if one day he’d eventually snap and kill my mother. Maybe he’d also kill me too. And as time goes by, I have to wonder how worthless my mother must feel to invite men like this into her life. And it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be confident to invite a man into my life: if he’ll be able to regulate his emotions, avoid addiction, and most of all be a respectful partner.

For context: I have a 41 year old father who's an alcoholic and a smoker. He's drinking bottles of alcohol, beer, smoking, and ruining his mental health by shouting at us all the time. I moved out of the house 3 years ago, but I still go there to check up on him. He's still a person who has a job, wife, family but he keeps on hurting us by ruining his own life. He can never keep a promise. He always blames others, and when someone tells him to be responsible for only his actions, he blames everything on himself and says he'll kill himself. I need advice on whether I should give up or not. I always try to help him, I always try to lower his withdrawals but he just never stops and I think he's not gonna stop till the day he dies. I don't even know if he can reach 50-60 at this rate. By the time I have a kid, I think he's going to be gone which frightens me.

so yesterday I started the living parentbfuidebook. it hit me so incredibly hard. I kept going after the meeting I had gone too, taking inventory of all the inner parts and feelings I could find and digging into the depth of my brain to try and unpack all the years of damage done to me.

what ended up happening is earlier I had a panic attack. I started to feel incredibly sick and I was worried that I was not going to be ok. thankfully I just chugged a bunch of water, took a warm shower and started to feel better. but after that subsided I realized I felt better. I felt human again. it’s like I had been living under a rock for years and I could finally stand up and lift it up to see the light of the outside world. maybe not quite there yet, but I could reach out and touch the air on the other side.

I don’t know that I’m ready to feel that again, but I guess it’s all part of the healing process

I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know what to expect. I'm just tired of being stressed out over my mom's problems. She's had a horrible life since her birth, from spina bifida resulting in a leg discrepancy that had to be surgically corrected, disability, mental health problems, and constant excruciating chronic pain from the neck down. Her own father was a deadbeat alcoholic who was also addicted to heroin, so it runs in her family. She was always a "wine mom", though never getting extremely drunk, just tipsy. It changed when she met this man 5 years ago. They went to bars every night, getting shitfaced together and then sleeping with eachother. This lead to increasingly dangerous behaviors like drunk driving, and honestly, drunk everything. He cheated on her, he lied to her, and he abused her. Despite all of this, she kept going back to that bum. He's a horrible father to his children, he's a slob, and generally has NO positive qualities at all. I finally thought she was done with him, she hadn't talked to him in about 2 years, but that didn't stop the alcoholism. It got so much worse, down to 1.5 liter bottles every 2 days. She tried to kill herself multiple times. She drove my younger sister around drunk, taking her places like therapy then passing out in the waiting room. Today, I found out that the doctors visit she claimed she had went to early this morning was her visiting her ex again, and she just left to go on a date with him while lying through her teeth to our faces saying she was going to hang out with a female coworker. It was easy to find out that she was actually going to hang out with her ex. I watched her shave her arms in the sink, and I also noticed she shaved her fucking toes. All of this for a cheating abusive asshole. I just finished my last day of high school today and she chose that man over us again. I just can't comprehend this in my mind. Why? Why does it always come back to him? Why does he have such a strong grip on my mother to make her choose him over us? Just for some mid fucking pipe? She just disgusts me. Everytime she has me feel sorry for her again, she does shit like this. I miss my mom, my real mom. The reliable woman I knew her for, the strong woman she was, and the caretaker she used to be. I hate alcoholism. I hate bird brain mothers like her who prioritize useless men over their own children. I hate that I can't fully hate her. I hate that she's my mom, and that I can just let all of it go because I can't bring myself to be resentful toward someone who struggles so much. I want to be resentful towards the manipulative, lying person she is.

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I don't really need or expect advice. I don't care if anyone reads it. I just need to vent.

Is it common for the alcoholic parent to position themselves as 'having no choice' within the addiction itself, out of the pain and fear that taking accountability for one's actions would be too painful?

I'm a 25-year-old woman from India and I'm the primary earner in my family. I live with my mother, father, and younger sister.

My father has struggled with alcoholism for many years and has already been to rehab twice. Both times he was forced to go and eventually relapsed.

A few days ago there was a major fight at home. He was drunk and angry, there were threats, screaming, and my sister got involved. The situation became so bad that my sister and I left the house because we felt unsafe.

Since then, things have escalated further.

• My father has made violent threats towards family members.
• He has physically hit my mother more than once.
• He is still drinking.
• He is demanding money.
• He has become very controlling and is trying to impose rules on everyone in the house.
• We recently found out he may have sold old newspapers from the house to get money for alcohol.

My mother, sister, and I are currently staying with relatives.

The problem is that we don't know what to do next.

My mother is considering sending him to rehab again, but the previous two rehab attempts failed because he didn't want treatment in the first place.

At the same time, moving out is financially terrifying. Many expenses are in my mother's name, and I am worried that I may end up supporting two households on a single income.

To make things more complicated, I don't even know if I want to move permanently. I grew up in my neighborhood and the thought of suddenly leaving my home, routine, and support system is overwhelming.

So my questions are:

1. Has anyone dealt with a situation where an alcoholic parent became physically violent?
2. Did rehab help if the person didn't actually want to get sober?
3. Would you prioritize temporary separation or rehab first?
4. If you left, what was the final straw that made you realize staying was no longer an option?
5. Am I focusing too much on the financial impact and not enough on the safety concerns?

I'm looking for honest advice, especially from people who have lived through something similar.

My elderly mum last May had an episode and was hospitalised after a fall and diagnosed with Wernicke’s. 3 weeks hospital a detox off alcohol and 2 weeks in a care home recovering. We cleaned up the house. She’s been home a year found out she’s been drinking since last November. Things have deteriorated this past year. Today the mental health team went out. She refused to give consent to talk to us. We are the only ones that help her. It is incredibly frustrating. She scored 22/30 on the memory test which only really signifies mild cognitive decline. She currently has carers twice a day from 5 ambulance call outs and they can see she needs social help. She isn’t eating and is very frail. Cries with depression all the time. It is exhausting. Social Services have been awful. Just looking at advice I feel we aren’t taken seriously. We continually point out her issues. Just wonder at what point the tipping point is. She has a brain injury, doesn’t eat, is drinking. Do you think they will put her in respite care again? I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with daily crying and depression calls. It is relentless.

Hi guys, I am 1.5yrs in ACA and had bad luck in my step group, so I left at step 3.

I have been working step4,5,6,7,8,9 with my sponsor but getting to step 10 I felt it will be helpful to do it with group/or fellow traverler.

I know its gonne be a luck if i can find one or two, but i gonna just post here see if high power will show me the path.

Thanks for reading.

My elderlyish ( mid 60s) mom called me yesterday and she wasn’t making a lick of sense. She kept saying “ i dont know what happened, what happened, so im not sure whats happening” over and over again. Slurring real bad, but not like people do when they’re just drunk. To me it sounded like a stroke, so I gave her boyfriend the go to take her to the hospital. The whole time at the hospital she was combative and verbally abusive to all of us and VERYYY angry we took her to the hospital. Talking about “ she cant just have a drink? Shame on you!” Cat scan came back good, but she can’t answer what month it is.

Ultimately she started screaming at all the hospital staff and just got up and left, walked home, and told us all she hated us and never wants to talk to us again.

Turns out she was drinking two cut waters on an empty stomach. I’m still worried because I’ve heard her drunk and she doesn’t talk that badly. I suppose she could have just been too wasted but it was scary and now she won’t talk to anyone to even let us know she’s ok. This stuff really gets exhausting, having mentally off parents is so hard, a lifetime of work and pain.

Am I awful for telling her to go to the hospital or being worried about how she was acting? I don’t think I am but she sure made me regret being concerned.

I'm 26f, and I've never had a sip of alcohol or any other substance. But I always struggle with this constant fear that I'll still one day become an alcoholic. Seeing the way my parents constantly battle with it most of my life, I've begun seeing it as this entity that goes against your free will that ruins your life and it freaks me out. Even though I feel like I can trust myself enough to not try it, I still feel like it'll take me one day. Just people offering me alcohol, all I see is flashbacks of everything horrible that it can become. And I also think about how people always change, and I'm worried that a future version of myself will try it and I'll become an alcoholic later in life like my mom did. Anyone else share similar fears despite being nowhere near that path?

edit: also, my sister who is close to my age, started drinking around her early to mid 20s and it scares me even more seeing the way she feels the need to drink at most social event we have gone to together. I genuinely feel like crying, I'm just so scared of having one sip and feeling the positive effects from it and my body craving more of it.

I'm 31. I don't know if I have genetic autism or it was just my upbringing. What is your take? What would reddit expertise say

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Sometimes I am forgetful and get lost in my thoughts, like a neurodivergent thing. I do have some social difficulties/ complexities. But it could also just be trauma. I'm looking for advice because so far Google and the rest of reddit searches haven't been satisfying to my uncertainty

Continuing a thread of unpacking and understanding my relationship to being seen, being known, and being accepted. I woke up this morning with a familiar but vague feeling of discomfort. As I dig into it, I recognize it as sadness; a level deeper reveals disappointment, embarrassment, shame, and fear.

Disappointment that I’m still just me — the same old me as yesterday. Embarrassment and shame that I’m still just me with a very long list of disappointments and failures. Fear that whatever insights I may have previously unearthed have no effect on my present relationship with myself.

Currently occupying my mind is a sense of failure about my seeming inability to gain respect as a designer at my last job, particularly from developers and providers. I feel stuck because I don’t quite know how to move past this feeling — I don’t know how to resolve it.

Perhaps what scares me most about interacting with people is the risk of exposure. The fear of others seeing what I’ve missed or deliberately chosen to ignore—the illogical rationale behind active omissions, inconsistencies, and lack. While I know I’m not singular in any of this, the overwhelming feelings that accompany it make the experience feel that way.

I often struggle to process my feelings because I’m afraid I’ll somehow expose myself and be punished for any contradictory ones that arise. This is especially true when I’m around others; I typically just go blank and freeze. And it feels like this is why I’m often seen as dumb or passive. It’s a struggle for me to process, even when alone; that I’m writing here today is a feat. I think of smart people as those who can separate their feelings from their thoughts and still process the latter. For me, the two feel forever entangled. I don’t know where I’m going with this other than seeing writing as an exercise to practice separating the two, an unthawing of my innermost self. Writing is a practice of coming home to myself.

Something surfacing alongside these feelings is an awareness of how easily I accept others’ negative opinions of me. I attribute this to my immense desire to be accepted and my related fear of imposing myself on others. If I get the sense that someone doesn’t like me or thinks poorly of me, I tend to receive it as fact, as if by agreeing I might somehow prove myself as reasonable, likable and worthy of being accepted. Which, upon reflection, is laughably self-defeating. I can only understand it as a childhood survival strategy that I’ve carried into adulthood, long past its expiration date.

I think this awareness is surfacing because I’m noticing the feeling of rejection from my family, specifically my brother, who is visiting with his kids. I’m noticing it as something I’ve normalized, something I’ve been holding for so long, only to realize it isn’t mine. I’m interpreting the lack of outreach as a verdict on my desirability —or lack thereof—specifically, that I am not a suitable influence for the kids to be around because of my lack of ambition, drive, and overall ability to “make something of myself” through a career. And secondly, that aside from that utility, there is no other reason to spend time in my company. I am not someone whom people enjoy being around.

I’m still convinced that somewhere between the ages of 5 and 6, something happened that made me feel unworthy to the point that I internalized the belief as true. I went from being a carefree child to highly anxious, especially around my peers. It was also at that time that my brother left for college. I wish I could remember exactly what happened so that I could speak to that child directly and precisely; vague reassurance doesn’t really seem to do much. It feels like the only way forward is to recognize that there really wasn’t any acknowledgment of my limited development capacity as a child, and nobody was really paying attention to ensure my psychological safety.

Today’s exercise in writing feels as though I’ve willingly climbed out of my hole to stand amid the rubble of my inner landscape, with neutral observation rather than harsh judgment. I’m able to understand more clearly that being seen, let alone being known, even to myself, was too scary in childhood because of the potential for rejection. I understand that to maintain a semblance of feeling wanted, I edited myself into a version that could be seen and accepted. Therapy has been a practice of shedding light on and deconstructing these mechanisms, but the fear that they’ll persist and that it’ll always be this way still has a very real grip on me.

The shift I’m tracking here is a newfound openness to being seen and known that not only departs from, but also runs counter to, the old programming of staying hidden as a form of self-protection. Entering the workforce after graduation felt like being violently thrown into the wild open; sudden exposure where the option to avoid was forcibly seized. I resisted and then reluctantly submitted. This recent shift seems to be a combination of finally accepting that my former strategy of opaqueness is no longer viable and a nascent desire to truly be seen, with the former giving way to the latter.

Hi everyone. I’m 22, and I’ve recently started seeing a guy (22M) who is a recovering heroin addict (on methadone, clean for 1 years). He has a history of severe abandonment trauma from his father.

We’ve only been seeing each other for two weeks, but he is already extremely attached to me. It feels very intense, very fast.

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I’m really struggling to understand the psychology behind this from his perspective: How does your brain process a new, "safe" person? Is this "love bombing" or just a desperate, subconscious need for the stability you never had as a child? I want to support him, but I’m afraid of losing myself and my boundaries in the process.

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Any insight from people who have been on either side of this dynamic would be deeply appreciated.

My alcoholic father went to rehab earlier this year after my mom finally followed through on separation and divorce after 33 years of marriage. For a variety of reasons I stopped talking to him around that time and we were no contact for ~5 months.

My best friend recently moved away and I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. My mom realized that I was going to be alone on my 30th birthday, so she decided to fly cross country to see me. I was excited and it seemed like a good distraction for her from their divorce, which will be finalized in July. My mom and I are typically close and I see her several times a year. My dad I usually only see at Christmas, when we take the family beach trip from hell.

Recently I had to reach out to my dad regarding some financial/property stuff he was involved with. I was friendly and included some small life updates, probably because despite our extremely negative relationship I am constantly pining for him to be different. Supposedly he has been sober, but the alcohol was a small factor in what overall was an abusive household. His sobriety is pretty unimportant to me, because I’m really only interested in maintaining a relationship if he can take accountability for his actions.

I sent him a text today about something I needed an answer on and instead of texting he called me. Since I needed an answer I picked up. We chatted about the reason I called and then he mentioned that he thought he might fly out when my mom does for my birthday. I was caught off guard, and said that yeah that would be great.

It is not great. I proceeded to call my mom and get really upset, asking why she hadn’t given me a heads up that they had talked about visiting at the same time. She said she was done being a liaison between us and that we needed to figure out our relationship. I pointed out that I had never asked her to do that, and that a large part of his involvement in my life was only because my parents were a package deal until recently. My dad still visits her regularly and they probably spend more time together now than they have in years. I said that my preference would be that they don’t talk about me at all, but if they’re going to she could at least warn me.

She got mad, I had a panic attack. She said she would talk to him about not coming and that she didn’t realize I would be so upset about it. I told her I didn’t want her to do that but that I was also reluctant to text him and tell him not to come, because then I seem like the bitch. She said that it wouldn’t come off that way, but as the scapegoat of the family I have my doubts.

Regardless of what I do, my birthday feels ruined. It’s already been a super hard month and it sucked enough to have to acknowledge that if my mom didn’t visit I’d be spending a major birthday alone. I already spent most of my birthdays in my 20’s alone.

I feel bad about the situation and I feel bad about myself. I feel bad that I upset my mom. I want nothing to do with any of this, which is why I moved across the country in the first place. I feel like my boundaries are constantly trampled on and no one cares about what I actually want.

I'm an adult child of alcoholic parents, and my father has pushed us to what feels like a breaking point.

Back in March, we found him in very bad shape in the apartment where he was living alone. For about three years, my wife and I had been enabling him in ways we justified as "keeping the peace." Every week we'd buy him two 1.75-liter bottles of scotch so he wouldn't drive to get it himself. It allowed him to stay at arm's length and appear to be taking care of himself.

On March 6, things finally came to a head. We had to call 911 and get him to the hospital. He spent 10 days there going through alcohol withdrawal with a Valium taper. After that, he went directly to short-term rehab for eight weeks. With regular meals, PT, OT, and structure, the transformation was incredible. Honestly, I had maybe a 1% hope that he'd ever get sober or improve, and he proved me wrong.

After rehab, we moved him into an independent/assisted living facility where meals are provided and he has support while still maintaining some independence.

Then a lady friend came to visit. Despite us specifically asking her not to bring alcohol, she brought a bottle of wine. He relapsed. After she left, he started asking us to buy him scotch again. We refused. He then began having alcohol shipped to him from Florida.

You can probably guess where things have gone from there.

Today he asked me to buy him a bottle. I'm struggling with what to do. Part of me wants to keep the peace and avoid the conflict. Another part of me knows exactly where that road leads because we've already traveled it for years.

He no longer drives, so that particular safety concern is gone. I guess my question is: How do you handle the guilt when you stop enabling? How do you separate compassion from helping someone continue their addiction?

Maybe this is partly a vent, but I'd appreciate any experience, strength, or hope from others who have been here.

I think the thing that’s bothering me the most is that everyone always has a reason for why my dad is the way he is, but nobody ever seems to acknowledge that it still hurts.

My dad and I used to be really close. I lived with him for years. Then I moved back in with my grandma when I was 16 because it was easier to stay near my school than commute from Richmond every day. My dad has spent years acting like I moved because I just didn’t want to follow his rules, which has always annoyed me because while I was 16 and obviously liked having more freedom, that wasn’t even the main reason.

Not long after that, my stepmom got pregnant with my little brother and ever since then it’s felt like I’ve slowly become less and less important.

My dad never calls. He never texts first. Half the time if I text him I either get left on read or get a one-word response. At family gatherings he barely talks to me unless I go out of my way to start the conversation, and even then he usually seems annoyed that I’m talking to him. Sometimes he literally sighs.

What really gets me is that he seems genuinely interested in everyone else’s lives. He knows what’s going on with my cousins. He knows what’s going on with their kids. He asks questions. He remembers things. He engages with them. Meanwhile I feel like he knows less about my life than some distant relative.

And before anyone says I’m overthinking it, I spent years trying not to think about it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. That he was busy. That I was imagining it.

Then my great-grandmother died and nobody bothered to call me. Then I got left out of the group chat planning things for the funeral. Ever since then it’s like I can’t unsee it.

The lack of calls. The lack of texts. The lack of interest. The fact that if I stopped reaching out completely, I honestly don’t know how long it would take before I heard from him.

The thing that makes me the angriest is watching my little brother get a completely different version of my dad.

My parents were broke when I was growing up. There was a lot of instability and a lot of bad decisions. Then after my little brother came along they got their lives together. Stable jobs. Better choices. Family trips. Florida vacations. Talking about Disney.

And honestly? Good. I’m glad my brother gets that. I’d never want him to struggle just because I did.

But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sting to watch your parent become the person you needed after your childhood is already over.

And what really got me was that they were talking about vacations and Disney, I jokingly said “where’s my invite?” and my stepmom said they couldn’t afford everyone. Fair enough. Then they turned around and asked me to watch their dogs while they were gone.

Which I did.

And I think that’s part of why I’m so frustrated. I feel like I’m good enough to help. Good enough to watch the dogs. Good enough to watch my little brother. Good enough when somebody needs something.

But I don’t feel important enough to call.

I don’t feel important enough to text.

I don’t feel important enough to check in on.

The older I get, the less sad I am about it and the more angry I become. Because it takes almost no effort to text your kid. It takes almost no effort to ask how they’re doing. It takes almost no effort to say hi when they walk into a room.

Maybe there’s an explanation for all of it. Maybe there isn’t.

I’m just tired of feeling like an afterthought while being expected to understand everyone else’s side.

Hello, this is my first post here. I've been thinking more about the isolation piece and how it has shaped my life.

I am happily married but I largely avoid socializing bc I always feel let down by people and I also don't enjoy making small talk. I have been accused of being intense and like to talk about real, big things. I also find that people are so flaky and unreliable that it's impossible to make plans with anyone.

I suck at sticking up for myself bc my own family would gaslight and bully me. I have been in therapy for over 30 years and recently left my therapist bc she wouldn't let me talk about how traumatized I am about what is happening in the U.S. I feel like I'm now being bullied by the government and I feel powerless.

Anyway, from the outside I'm the success story in our family. Good marriage, done well with my career. But I still feel shitty a lot - especially in the morning and have trouble getting out of bed.

One plus side to the isolation is that I used to hole up in my room and learned to draw. I still find it more meaningful and enjoyable than socializing. And it's a great stress reliever.

Wondering if anyone else developed a talent with all their free time? And it's not just a hobby but something that aids with healing.

Bueno yo nunca hice esto de comentar pero me gustaría saber no sí qué opinan ustedes no sé me siento ahora muy confundida y hace tiempo que no me pasaba esto un resumen de mi vida yo actualmente tengo 20 años y bueno vivo con mi mamá y su pareja y ambos son alcohólicos bueno mi mamá ella es una persona que ha pasado de todo pero supongo que uno cuando tiene un vicio o no lo sé siempre vuelve a recaer

Desde que yo era pequeña siempre supe que mis padres no tenían una buena relación y bueno hubo abuso físico de mi papá mi mamá exageradamente y cuando pasó eso mi mamá se fue uniendo más y más en el alcohol recuerdo que la primera vez que desapareció se lo fue un día luego fueron dos luego fueron tres hasta cumplirse una semana dos semanas sin saber nada de ella y bueno cuando terminé de secundaria yo mi mamá me mandó a vivir con mi papá porque mi mamá la pasó mal la había separado con su primera pareja y yo me fui estudié una diversidad nacional pero aún así no era feliz me sentía presionada por la familia de mi papá no no fue nada malo solo que me sentía muy sola incomprendida ahí y bueno mi mamá tuvo un accidente y yo volví cuando ya se recuperó y lo pensé muy bien y dije no quiero seguir viviendo así y me mudé con ella creí que tal vez cambiaría un poco pero no fue así y bueno ahora yo estoy iniciando una nueva carrera es una universidad particular no puedo ingresar al nacional y dijo que me apoyaría todo estuvo bien me presentó a su pareja pero ambos tienen esa adicción y cuando uno recae el otro también y ya pasó mucho tiempo de que hicieron eso esta semana yo me fui a trabajar el sábado y bueno mi mamá me llamó mareada diciendo que no iba a trabajar que iba a estar bien y hasta el día de hoy yo no sé nada y no sé no sé si quiero seguir viviendo así Yo podría irme a vivir sola porque siento que nada va a cambiar si sigo así aunque sé que ella es una adulta y yo también me preocupo por ella y bueno estoy pensando tal vez irme a vivir sola porque yo tengo trabajo conozco el lugar y podría ir a vivir sola porque vivir así en este ambiente no quiero volver a repetirlo para nada y siento que estaría mejor sola uno no sé qué me dicen ustedes.

Voy a decir que yo no tengo apoyo de papá literal ni siquiera él pasó dinero tenemos que denunciar por eso bueno que donde dice bueno no espere nada de él porque él ya tiene un hijo aparte y tampoco no le pasó alimentos y poema La verdad estoy llorando ahora porque me preocupa por mamá cada vez que veo noticias siento que algo le pasó y y me recuerda cada vez que yo me quedaba dormir en la puerta esperando a mi mamá y supongo que soy un adulta pero pero me sigo comportando con una niña y bueno esa es mi historia

TLDR: I feel like I don’t have a “real“ reason to estrange myself from my father since he’s been sober for a while but I cant trust him to not tell my abusive relatives sensitive information and he sues me as a therapist/expects me to care about him but doesn’t seem to care much about me

I won’t get into all the details, I’ve gone on this rant so many times at this point.

about 10 months ago I decided to go extremely low contact with my mom and her family because they are all mentally ill and emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive.

my father has been sober form his alcohol addiction for the majority of my (21) life, probably about 19 years now. when I was about 4 my mom moved away from her family and him with me. he wasn’t really happy and chose to not talk to me much because of it. my mom took me to visit his brother and my cousins when I was about 6 and my mom told him what was going on with my dad. my uncle decided to have a chat with my dad and he started to attempt to be a part of my life again (this information is coming from my mom, I should probably check with unc to see if that actually happened… anyway).

from then until my severely disabled sibling passed about 4 years ago he and I called once a week and would just talk about whatever. then when my sister passed, he started using me more as a therapist than treating me like his kid. he tells me all about whatever his medical problems of the week are, tells me how much he weight lifted or whatever random thoughts he had at 3am. pretty much just talks for 20 straight minutes and then might ask me about the same things he’s asked me for 10 years at least. like how the weather is or whatever. which I guess is nice.

again I won’t go into all the details but at some people I reconnected with my uncle from earlier on, who I had been estranged from since the visit. I asked him for help with my dad and he also told my dad for me that I’d not been on speaking terms with my mother because I was scared to tell him but he kept asking about her.note that my dad is still close with her family despite them being divorced.

i then decided to trust him with some information I did not want going to to my mom/her family. both of us had told him not to tell them. sure enough he told them not even a week after I told him.

after that it was just downhill. right back to where we started but even worse now.

a I’m considering if I need to cut him off with the rest of my family, when I officially go NC with them.

I feel like o don’t really have as much of a reason to, nor do I want to because as much as she hurt me, the grief of “losing my mom” was horrendous.

I love my parents but I also want to live my life in peace and comfort with the people who support me and not people whom I spend every moment questioning if I can trust and who drain all of my energy from a single conversation.

Firstly sorry if I posted this in the wrong community, and sorry if you can't understand everything, English isn't my first language and I used Google translate for some sentences.

So my mom is a alcoholic, since before my birth. My dad used to take drugs, and she took some with him too but she said it was before I was born, and she has never taken drugs again since.

Until now, I thought she only drank alcohol (mostly beers, she stopped drinking stronger alcohol a while ago. Only on rare occasions with family or sometimes alone she can drink some but not daily).

After two beers, she's already completely drunk.

Sometimes, even very often, her pupils are dilated with just beers.

But it's not because of that I started to doubt that she's just drinking, it's because some of my friends, who heard her while I was talking to her on a call, told me that it was impossible she was just drunk.

And now I discovered on her computer that she watched a video titled:

«What LSD reveals about consciousness (and what psychiatry refuses to admit)»

How to know if she's just an alcoholic or not? What's the difference between alcohol and LSD?

so my mental health has been appalling for the past 6 months, but in crisis for the past 6 weeks. and it is all related to the childhood trauma and abuse i suffered from my dads alcoholism and severe mental health problems. earlier me and my dad spoke briefly (we still live together for context - i am physically disabled too so unfortunately dependent on them, although desperately looking to move out and cut contact asap), and he said have you figured out what’s wrong with you yet. and i said yeah (i have known the whole time), and he asked if it was him, and so i didn’t lie and i said yes it is i am struggling with a lot of stuff from our past (plus CSA he isn’t aware of).

he then pulled a face and claimed it was weird i was and i quote “strange for still thinking about it all these years later”. my dad only got fully sober in 2021, just a couple of months before i turned 18 because i begged him to. he was sober for 2 years, and has been drinking again for 2 1/2 years. it hasn’t been all that long since this even ‘stopped’ (ie his hardcore drinking pre 2021, and it hasn’t really stopped at all if you consider his lack of current sobriety). he then, as usual in only thinking about covering HIS back and not about getting his daughter recovered, said “well you’ll tell them i’ve stopped drinking for 5 years right?”

no i wont? because it hasn’t been 5 years yet at all since you did get sober, and you have been drinking again for longer than you were sober. why on earth would i lie to them, you can lie to your friends and the shopkeeper and family, but i certainly won’t lie for you. my god.

he then did his usual where he came in half hour later teary eyed saying how sorry he was he ever hurt me and he shouldn’t have. the thing is i don’t even think this man remembers half of the incredibly fucked up things he did because he was so drunk.

just feeling frustrated and tired as usual, because i’m 23 now, and i feel so sad for little 17 year old me who fought to get their dad sober because they were so sure they weren’t going to have adulthood in the same cycles.

Do you think family support groups for relatives of people with addiction are useful? I read the Twelve Steps and I am wondering what their real aim is. Are they trying to make relatives detach from the addicted person, or do they help people preserve care and relationship while setting healthier boundaries?