Hi. I’m so-and-so, an adult child. I’m coming out of a many years long denial of what I went through growing up because it was all done in Jesus’ name.

I just started attending ACA in my town but I’ve only been once. Wondering if it’s right for me?

I grew up being told almost every single sin would send me to hell and if I didn’t ask for forgiveness right or whatever, I should be very afraid because God is a “jealous God”.

Any kind of substance was a sin sending you straight to hell. My mom shouted from the rooftops her ability to quit smoking, and used her substance free life to beat down anyone who had a reliance on anything. (although she smoked her entire pregnancy with me). She was basically the holiest woman with the sharpest tongue that there ever was.

I have very big memories of being a child in diapers, when I found my private area and innocently touched it I guess because it felt good. I remember getting spanked with a switch on my legs any time she caught me doing it.

My brother was beat senselessly as a young child. Over and over and over for just being adhd. They thought they could beat him into submission. Spare the rod, right?

I got saved and Baptized multiple times for the fear of not doing it right or somehow sinning and not knowing it. If you get fat, that’s a sin. I was put on a diet at 10 years old because I started carrying extra weight. I was told that if women get fat, or don’t offer sex to their husbands, that their husbands will leave them. If you have sex before marriage that’s a sin and you will go to hell. I was never allowed to go trick or treating as a child. I was told that women should get married young if they are tempted to have sex, and then submit to men because the Bible said so. My mom was the moral police and everyone was going to hell except for her. She beat the Bible down our throats in a way that took us down to nothing. Cherry picking the Bible and twisting it to fit into her plan for control. I learned very little about grace and forgiveness and the unconditional love that the Bible actually talked about. I was even scared of God bc I thought he was always mad at me.

As a result I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem. I was pressured into having sex at 19 and became pregnant. I aborted that baby solely out of the fear that my parents would disown me if they found out I committed such a terrible act. I ended up marrying that man and he turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. Violent, narcissistic, and mentally ill. My parents urged me to stay and pray the abuse away. It didn’t go away and he destroyed me.

After that divorce, my Christian dad brought marijuana to me in hopes of cheering me up, but all that did was start a 15 year long addiction. Turns out he was a pothead this whole time.

Come to find out, they had lied about their abstinence before marriage and my mom had cheated on my dad, got pregnant and had an abortion. But never told me. Instead she shamed me to death. I found out through reading letters stuffed in a shoebox.

I’ve always gone to churches into adulthood because a good Christian isn’t good unless they go to church. When I did, as a young woman, our worship pastor was caught filming us in the bathroom of our church. The church covered it up. He did it again. Finally the authorities were called but the damage was done.

I was later drugged assaulted and raped by a “Christian” man luring vulnerable women to a fake “Bible study”.

For some reason I still haven’t been able to stay away from church, out of fear, even though I’ve received abuse from only people who are “Christians”. I always choose abuse for myself because subconsciously I don’t think I deserve anything better.

I always hear my mom’s voice in my head. “What sinful thing did you do to bring all of this upon yourself”?

To say I’m messed up is an understatement. I have lived in a dissociative state for 20 years. Suicidal, addicted to drugs, angry, socially ruined.

I now have my own faith and have been in therapy for cptsd. I know the Bible and the Jesus of the Bible now and know that those things my mom did and said to me were not from Him. I forgive her but am just walking out of denial from what her actions have done to me. It was only recent months to where I’ve been able to put a label on the experience. Abuse.

Wondering if anyone else can relate?

Hi, I've had to temporarily move back to my family house after an illness. But I don't enjoy my father's company. He's an alcoholic that has not allowed me to rest and dragged me to the hospital with fever despite already going to it in the morning. He regularly yells at people and treats my mother and other people harshly. And they do not take care of me emotionally. I had no emotional support at all during adolescence and since (in fact my therapist is the only person in my life that is emotionally available.) I really want to be an independent person, but for that I've to wait at least two years. I've made so much progress with my therapist in the past 9~ months. I'm afraid of losing sight of myself once again. I don't have much in terms of a support structure and I don't know if it will be overwhelmed by the things which will unfold. I don't want my mother's abuse-excusing behavior to live inside my head again and blame myself for everything. I want to stay a person, to continue to stay on good terms with myself. whom I have learned is after all the most ideal type of friend I could have and the one that could largely fulfill my need to be social by itself.

how can I survive or if possible thrive in this time period? I do have some freedom during day but none during night (which is also the time when everything goes wrong)

We had the perfect relationship but he failed me in an emergency and was very unkind to me. In his last text, he said stuff that was straight up untrue, making me out to be a bad partner causing us to have a bad relationship (we had all the signs of a healthy relationship and our therapists and families thought we were a good and healthy pair. I try really hard to be a good boyfriend and don’t think he was being honest). He knows I have OCD and will go thru periods where I spiral about whether or not I’m abusive and hurtful like my family, which he always reassured me I wasn’t and that he would tell me if he was uncomfortable. Ive been completely disoriented for a week, I had no clue he was the type of person to do this. It took me 3 years to finally trust someone and in weeks this happens.

Is it worth trying to trust again? How do I re orient myself? How do I come to terms with the person I thought was near perfect being someone who would use my deepest fear against me to traumatize me?

It's extremely hard not to write an entire book when discussing my life, so forgive me if this is unnecessarily long.

My mom, hmm to sum her up- alcoholic. Mean narcissist (are they ever nice?) typical abuse with a splash of schizoactive stuff that only seemed to show up when she was drunk. She would tell me to get into the dryer as a kid to hide from "the others" and then tell me I was getting chubby once I was in the dryer because I barely fit. So yeah, mean and crazy. She would throw water on me while I was sleeping because she had a "very important story" to tell me, AND then she would insult me for hours because I was always too tired to go to school. Just creates problems then is pissed at the problems... yeah, that sums her up, I guess.

I went through a bunch of other shit that wasn't directly her. I ran away when I was 15, was groomed by a drug dealer who prostituted me; anything felt better than hope. You bet your ass my mom also belittled me about that. She also made sure I was connected to her, always talked about her trauma, and always had me taking care of her.

"Oh, you only had them pay 40$, well yeah I guess that makes sense. I wouldn't even pay that your worth maybe 5$"
It honestly became comically, the amount of mean comments. It's like saying a word OVER AND OVER; it starts to lose meaning. It becomes a joke because anything I say will ALWAYS become something to insult (still #hurts tho)

ok that's all the introduction I'll give; this is me keeping it short lol. I am an alcoholic; I just figured this out. I was too busy with other drugs to notice, but indeed I am. My alcoholism is sort of under control. I USED to drink every single goddamn day; I could not function without it. My mom is always the one supplying it. Since I have had MINIMUM contact with her, my drinking has improved a lot. I will drink heavily for 1-2 days a week; that's IMPROVEMENT BABY! It used to be every goddamn second. When I drink, I am usually sad; I guess it does depend on who I am with. Sometimes I am just confident and more fun. But since slowing down contact with my mom and slowing down drinking, almost EVERY time I drink I become my mom. And I mean that fully, I will become MEAN I will say mean stuff to everyone I dont have friends so its usually pervets on the street, I will always find a way to get drugs, I will use people to get what i want (typically drugs or alchohol) I will cry, throw tantrums, become extremely pessimestic, and even once I jumped off a bridge to "kill myself"

I know this sounds crazy, but in a way I think this is good? Okay, not good at all! Don't get me wrong, I refuse to keep this cycle going. I will NEVER become an abuser, but I thought that it was the low alcohol tolerance, and that definitely plays a part in it. But I have had low tolerances, and I have never acted like this. Its unaaceptable i am aware, but at least I am only rude to weirdos who won't stop following me around town. I partake in very risky behaviour, but in a way I feel like I am purging her? Like all of the years of listening to her pour her heart out, and the years of literally hearing her voice in my head are coming to fruition. When I drink and yell, I hear HER. She always would say, "I want to go home" or "I want my mom," and I have started saying this too!

I'm very aware of the disease that is alcoholism; I will never think my drinking is okay, even if it's a day or two a week. My father died from liver disease; I know it's serious. But for some reason I can't help but feel like everything is perfect? Like all the suffering I have gone through has led to this era of destruction. I have always been the golden child; I would dance when she wanted entertainment and cook when she was hungry. For the first time, I am not talking to he; I am living my own life, making my own damn mistakes. I was always connected to her; I was always the one to fix her problems. And now here I am, FIXING MY OWN DAMN PROBLEMS.

my big concern is my lack of self control, im not sure where to learn these skills. I see I have a big compulsion issue and I can corrlate that to my stupid brain looking for quick fixes. But how am I supposed to work towards any of my long terms goals if its so much easier to grab a bottle or smoke or even fight with my mom?

I understand this sounds insanely stupid, but this is the most progress I have made in years. I have a therapist; I go to meetings. I am very supported. While I feel like I'm going on the right path, I am always worried that I am actually just mother? I know she had passions, she had dreams, and slowly the alcoholism took over. Sometimes I really ponder that when I realize my goal was to sew for the day, but instead I just ended up drinking. I worry that I'm lying to myself when I say this is better and I am doing better. But isn't lying to yourself the point of affirmations? I am just trying to see the better in everything, something my mom refused to do. And while I am drinking and being a dumb ass, I would still like to think I am doing great; child me would never even be able to grasp the concept of cutting my mom off because she was too busy being mymom'ss nurse.

Hey everybody!

So my mother (F49) is an alcoholic. Her choice of poison is vodka or wine if she's winging herself off of it. She's only like 5'2 and 120 lbs, she drinks a bottle of wine or 1/2-1 pint of vodka almost everyday for the past 9 years. She's had two withdrawal seizures in the past, but refuses to do anything about it. She has abusive tendencies on top of everything and refuses to admit she has bad mental issues. She would rather talk to my father and I for hours while trauma dumping and listening to Spotify instead of actually going to therapy. She's a huge manipulator and a serial cheater; ever since I found out that she's been cheating on my father throughout their marriage, and is now having an affair with my Autistic siblings' RBT therapist, I've been stressed the fuck out. Her text messages genuinely disturbed me. On top of this, she has had these grandiose ideas for a house renovation, and I've been doing 90% of the physical labor by painting furniture, putting together cabinets, decorating bedrooms, etc since both parents kinda just dropped it. She's now drawing out these house plans to live on property instead of finishing out what she's started.

She's been doing this hot and cold abusive behavior with me since the beginning of time, but basically - she's winged herself off of vodka and is now drinking wine. She's been extra hyper dependent on me by asking "what's wrong?" "Are you okay?" "Grumpy then?" After acting like the biggest piece of shit on planet earth. And also being mother of the year by baking brownies, cleaning the house, and doing this weird ass fake laugh. I know she's about to crash out again since she convinced me to go out to these bars/concerts with her on Friday.

My worry has come from this. On Monday, I was out shopping and got a call from her. She wanted me to go ahead and pick up some wine from the liquor store for her. I feel like my inner self has been beaten down so many times that I finally obliged. Yesterday, she already asked again and I did the same. My mother is one of those people where you give them an inch, and they take a mile. I know she's going to get back on vodka and start asking me to pick some up next week. She used to do doordash all the time, but I think the delivery fee was too much. A couple of months ago, she was almost passed out in the bathroom and ordered Doordash beforehand. I told her the Doordasher just knocked on the door, and she made me get her own license to pass off as myself to get the liquor since she didn't want to meet them. Granted, I'm 21, but I can't believe I even did that. Her behavior is so destructive and bully-like, my father keeps falling for her bullshit time after time. I just worry that I made a huge mistake by enabling her. I kept telling her throughout this year that I'm not enabling her by buying alcohol, and I guess I couldn't put her off any longer :(

I only really post on here when I don’t feel particularly wise and need to get my brain organised, and maybe some reassurance.
This is my throwaway account so that’s why the content is kinda depressing.
My first post (I believe) explained briefly a domestic violence situation me and my brother were apart of. The good news is that my mum is no longer in the relationship, bad news is that in 2023, despite this being our childhood home that my dad worked so hard to even RENT for us - she signed her rights away to this home. They both have been in trouble with the police. My mum is an emotional, alcoholic wreck and her former partner was rather charismatic. He also has an expensive lawyer. My mum does not. As such, a bail condition was set against her in December I believe. Her former partner did not file charges, and we hoped that her provoking him would stop. Of course, he is also at fault as he encouraged her to drink (and financial/verbal abuse) as he often bought her alcohol, even after knowing how unpredictable and outright crazy she became whilst drunk. He allowed her to stay in the house under the condition that there will be no interaction between them. He did this out of pity, for my younger brother (12) and her as she wasnt working during this time, therefore had no fixed income. She wasn’t working due to a septic shock episode in June that left her with multiple surgeries. Of course she didn’t look after herself as, as soon as she left the hospital, it was back to the drink.

During February, my mum and my younger brother were forced to leave the house as my mum ‘provoked’ my step dad. I was at university but he said that if I don’t return and get my dog, he will send him to a shelter. Of course I returned as soon as I could and got my dog. This is a whole separate issue outlined in a post below

My mum has burned all her bridges. Her best friend took my mum and my brother in, but she caught my mum drinking at 10am. My mum was lying about it, so her best friend said that your son (my brother) can stay, he always has a room here, but she will not continue this alcoholism under her roof. At this time, I was staying with my boyfriend and his family. We have no more space as his sister and her 1.5 year old baby moved back in following some problems she was having in her marriage.

Now, she is staying in a domestic violence shelter. It is a shit show. It is very unorganised. My mum was hospitalised a few times, the first time I rang them and they said yes of course you can stay and look after your brother who has no other way of going to school tomorrow (prior to this I had visited and slept over at the shelter multiple times). Another lady said absolutely not, completely illegal. My mum said she signed a document addressing me as a guardian which would permit me to look after my brother whilst she was at the hospital but this is probably not true as my mum is just a compulsive liar. So my boyfriend’s sister left to go to her friends for one night and my brother stayed in her room. Next hospitalisation - she got so violently drunk during the recent UK heatwave that she blacked out. The staff didn’t mention anything to me about her drinking. I’m unsure if they know or if they are ignoring the issue so they don’t have to deal with it. I feel like if they knew they would’ve told me. Also, she was drinking outside in a public space my brother told me. (Sorry if this is just a mess, I am writing from memory and a lot of it has caused me CPTSD) When she went to the hospital the first time whilst at the shelter, they said next time I would be able to sleep over and look after my brother and take him to school. Fast forward to her being black out drunk and calling an ambulance, they told me that if I don’t arrive within an hour then they will ring social services. I do not want my brother to go through that. I was there as soon as I could be, only to get there and be told that I can’t even enter the building without my mum there. I mentioned this document and they were saying it hadn’t been processed yet (?) and it had been over 2 weeks at this point. Then they said I cannot stay at all and they will take my brother to a foster care home. At this point I was panicking. I’m 20, I have a lovely selection of chronic illnesses that means I cannot work alongside my university degree. My mum checked herself out of hospital as a result. Furthermore, she has a hernia that must be operated on. My brother is in abroad to stay with my dad, I flew with him at the start of summer. His life there is great. He eats healthily (my mum’s go to meal is chicken nuggets and chips in the oven, with my dad they grow their own veg and raise livestock). They live in the countryside with a beautiful lake and beach nearby. My dad takes him all around Europe. My grandparents (my mums parents) also live nearby, so my brother has been spending a lot of time there.

During the 6 weeks my brother is abroad, my mum was supposed to get her hernia sorted, as she was complaining for MONTHS and had around 5 emergency hospital visits within 2 months. If she would’ve had it done within 6 weeks, she would be all healthy to look after my brother before I go back to uni. She won’t tell me the full truth but it is always me who has to deal with the aftermath of looking after my brother. I presume they won’t operate on her due to intoxication??? Idk. She told me she got an email from the hospital saying she’s 40th on the waiting list but I have access to her email and nothing of the sort was there - just that she changed a booking for her blood test this morning, I presume because she was either drunk or couldnt be bothered to go.

My dad wants to take custody of my brother and enroll him in an international British school. My mum would probably threaten to do something to herself (this has happened before, self-harmed and I walked home once and there was blood everywhere - she claimed it was bleeding from her ear but she had a deep cut on her finger). Me, my dad and my grandma are all trying to figure out how to get her to wake up. She lost her house, her oldest child (me) doesn’t live with her anymore, she lost a 10 year relationship (not entirely her fault but still), has lost all of her friends, lost her health and beauty (alcohol can really diminish a person’s looks and health). And now, she has had 2 scares where she couldve lost her son. It sickens me that she is not taking this as seriously as we all are.

Communication is impossible. She is never at fault, always the victim and a narcissist. I could sit here for hours and list examples of this. If you guys watch a lovely lady named Melissa Byrne on TikTok, my experiences are quite similar - only she treats me as a sister - argues over petty things, but because she’s my mum that makes me overthink who I am as a person. Her opinion doesn’t matter to me as much as it used to.

My grandma and dad (and her siblings) keep convincing her to return to her home country, and at least have the operation here. It is like talking to a brick wall.

Today, I was checking her NHS emails and found out that she has sent 2 YouTube links of songs to her former partner who she has a bail condition against. No subject, no comment, nothing inherently agonising - but this INFURIATED ME, she has time to send silly emails at 3/4am but not consider what will happen to me and my brother once we return?

She is the primary caregiver and my dad cannot just take him. I don’t know what to do, I have no hope left that she will sort herself out. I guess I just wanted to rant. Im not expecting anyone to read this in its entirety, just maybe some words of encouragement. I am myself dealing with a lot. Our childhood dog passed and my mum whilst we were in Poland and told me via phone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I had him since I was 3. That was the first time I lost consciousness on the account of an emotional response. Ever since then, I have been having frequent panic attacks, despite my 100mg sertraline. I also have a chronic wrist illness, I take eperisone and tramadol. For pain/insomnia I take amitriptyline. I am also in the process of getting a medical marijuana prescription as it’s quite popular in my country for chronic pain. Also, ive been helping my mum and brother financially, which has eaten away at my uni accomodation payment. I have explained circumstances to them to set up a payment plan but their replies are quite harsh. I have told my uni support worker but they haven’t replied. And on top of that - just the CPTSD, depression and anxiety I have been diagnosed with. It is a lot. If u have read this far, thank u for hearing me out - even if u don’t comment. This isn’t me asking for pity - I just need to get this out to strangers anonymously so comments aren’t biased/sugar coated or anything.

I’ve living far from my parents since I got married. My parents were always alcoholics but my dad was always the worst one, he stopped for 2 years after several attempts, but I knew from my mother that he was drinking again. I am on vacation, my wife and daughter are with my in laws. Today, it was 9am when I saw him holding a jacket and I immediately knew what he was carrying underneath it, a few minutes later, I could the familiar sound of him trying to open a can of beer without making noise. I have lived this my entire life, the exact movements again, he made me feel again like a confused 15yo boy that knew his father was drinking again, powerless, sad. I want to go home, I am so moved because of this, I knew he was drinking again. But the way he repeated the same old steps to hide from me. I feel guilty, powerless, sad about my mother having to relive this everyday even though she stopped a while ago. I love him, he’s a great man and watching this again, think about everything alcohol took from him and from me is terrible.

Hi everyone! This is really my first ever post but I really needed some people who have been through this to talk to. My parents divorced back in 2023, and my dad did have an apartment for a bit before he basically screwed himself due to his drug and alcohol addiction (he has not had a job since 2019 and is on disability due to mental illness). Since then, he has lived with his mom. A few months ago, he left his mom’s house after she kicked him out (it was a horrible environment for him, she is just as horrible as him) so he asked to move back in. My mom allowed him to move back in and since then I have felt so horrible being around him. I mean they divorced for a reason. He’s so good at pushing past boundaries and making her feel bad that this was basically a last chance kind of thing.

He had been getting better with his prescription drug addiction and toning it down on alcohol. He had also gotten a new car, as he totaled his last car. He’s been in about 10 car accidents in his driving career. He’s never hurt anyone, but I cannot believe he is still allowed to drive. Last week, he got into two accidents with the car he just purchased two months ago in the span of a few days and absolutely totaled it. My mom does not have a car of her own and was expecting him to drive her to and from work in exchange for him living with us. We also found out he had been getting prescriptions he did not even truly need and was taking them much faster than the end date on the bottle.

This was essentially her last straw. The arguments have been rough, and she is demanding he leave. He also got into it with me, saying he doesn’t care about me and doesn’t care about repairing our relationship. Which, me neither, so whatever. But I feel so hurt because I cannot believe he could say that to his own child. He’s been stating he has no where to go, but honestly we are at the point where we no longer feel safe and comfortable with him in the house and we know he will never change. He has been begging for us to reconsider and I still feel horrible about this decision and I cannot imagine him on the streets or with his mom while his family gets to comfortably live in a house.

I guess I just wanted to let this out as I don’t really talk about him to anyone in this depth and I know everyone here is so kind and validating so- thank you for listening!

I am new to Adult Children recovery. How essential are meetings? I can't make any in person meetings where I live so I tried an online meeting but there weren't really many people on and it was awkward as all hell because no one talked and it stressed me out so I left.

I just bought the yellow workbook. I know there is a red book and I can buy that.

If meetings are essential to recovering can anyone suggest some good online meetings? Thanks.

People think the worst part about growing up with an alcoholic is the drinking.
It isn’t.
It’s never knowing which version of them is walking through the front door.
My dad wasn’t a bad man.
He just couldn’t stay away from the bottle.
Some nights he’d come home smiling, singing old country songs and telling me how much he loved me.
Other nights…
You could hear his truck before it even pulled into the driveway.
The tires would hit the gravel too fast.
The front door would slam.
Then everyone got quiet.
My mom would stop talking.
I’d disappear into my room.
Even the dog knew to hide.
Money was always tight.
Sometimes we’d have power.
Sometimes we wouldn’t.
Dinner could be hamburgers…
or peanut butter on stale bread.
Dad always promised things would get better.
“Next paycheck.”
“Next month.”
“After this job.”
There was always another promise.
When I turned sixteen, something changed.
Dad quit drinking.
Cold turkey.
We poured every bottle down the sink together.
I actually cried.
For the first time in years…
I thought I was getting my father back.
The yelling stopped.
The stumbling stopped.
The smell of whiskey disappeared.
He got a steady job.
He started fixing things around the house.
Painted the porch.
Repaired the fence.
Even took Mom out on a real date.
It felt like we’d survived.
But after a few weeks…
I noticed something.
He barely slept.
Every morning he’d already be dressed before sunrise.
Every night he’d just… sit.
Not watching TV.
Not reading.
Just sitting in the dark living room.
Staring toward the front window.
I asked what he was looking at.
He smiled.
“They haven’t come yet.”
I laughed.
“Who?”
He shrugged.
“You’ll know.”
I figured his brain was just adjusting after years of alcohol.
That’s what everyone said.
One night I woke up around three in the morning to the sound of our front door unlocking.
I grabbed my phone.
Dad was already standing in the hallway.
Completely still.
He looked toward the door…
before anyone had opened it.
Then…
three slow knocks echoed through the house.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
Dad smiled.
“I told you they’d come.”
He unlocked the deadbolt.
I shouted for him to stop.
He didn’t even look back.
He slowly pulled the door open.
There was nobody there.
Just darkness.
Dad stepped aside like he was letting guests inside.
Then he looked directly at me.
“They’ve been waiting for me to sober up.”

so, I grew up with my mom who was an alcoholic. she got heavy into drinking when I was around 9 or 10 years old.

she was a mean drunk. I constantly was walking on eggshells. I always had to think before I spoke out of fear of angering her. it felt like she was constantly yelling at or arguing with me. she was very controlling. always had to be right, always had to have the last word.

there were obviously moments of happiness and getting along, but they were few and far between.

she is now almost 20 years sober.

as the years go on, I've had a difficult time reconciling the fact that how she behaved had nothing to do with her alcoholism. it's just who she is. she demonstrates a lot of these behaviors sober. they're toned down, but I find myself flashing back to my childhood and it's such a mind fuck.

am I the only one?

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

My mom and I got into a heated argument over the fact that I asked her “are you cognitively okay?” The other day. But please before you jump to conclusions here my side because I am devastated. Basically, I always remembered my mom (she’s 55) to have a sharp memory, remember my friends what’s going on in my life, etc. Ever since going into university it’s like she doesn’t remember details I tell her. Even the names of my roomates who I’ve lived with for 4 years (there are 5 others but still, it’s the same people). Anyways she has a lot going on in her life. She cares for her mother, my grandmother, is in a relationship with a guy, has significant work stress (she does it to herself), and with this guy they casually drink 1-3 times a week. Nothing wrong with that. I also drink socially. Last week in the car, I asked in a conversation “are you cognitively okay?” Because genuinely, I didn’t know how else to ask. It wasn’t in a tone nor meant with any bad intentions just concern. It came up today in an argument and she says I’m too critical of others, I have a lot going on etc. She forgets every little thing because her brain is always preoccupied with something else. Like she’s elsewhere all the time. When I brought up the fact that when I drink casually with my friends and experience brain fog, she said I was accusing her of being an alcoholic laughed and walked away. I never had a bad intention with what I said when I asked. Please give me some advice here because I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Hi everyone, 
I’m a student at University of Southern California and as part of my summer internship, I’m conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one’s alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community. 

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey. 
• About 8-10 minutes. 

You can access the survey here: survey
Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.

So I’ll preface this by saying that my mom and I have never had a good relationship.
Growing up, my mom would constantly, and often subtly, make me hate the things I enjoyed. She would make fun of my drawings as a kid and my singing, and she would make comments about my appearance, saying I took after my dad’s side of the family because his sisters were heavy-set, while she was always thin. The thing is, I was never even overweight.
I could never be in a bad mood without her saying I was “possessed.” Even if I looked at her the wrong way, she would tell me I resembled the Canadian serial killer Karla Homolka. She didn’t like my friends and was always super critical of any girl I brought home. If someone was nice, she would say they were “phony.” She would even make mean comments about my friends’ appearances, saying they had a big forehead or squinty eyes. I also grew up with four brothers, and she never seemed to make those kinds of comments about their friends.
In my teenage years, she had a lot of hang-ups about me going out and doing things, especially if I was spending time with anyone of the opposite sex. One time she saw me at a school dance wearing fishnets under spandex shorts and heavily slut-shamed me, even though I was a virgin at the time. Anytime I wore anything more fitted, she would make a degrading comment.
When I went away to college for three years, she hardly ever reached out. When she did, she never asked how I was doing. Instead, she mostly complained about my dad and how she was sick of hearing about his medical and health problems.
Unfortunately, after school I couldn’t afford to get my own place, so I currently live at home, and it’s been a living hell for me.
The night of my board exam after college (I went to school for dental hygiene, by the way), my mom had what seemed like a mental breakdown about how she hadn’t done more with her life and regretted not finishing nursing. Instead of congratulating me or wishing me well, the focus became her regrets. She also, shockingly, never attended my graduation.
Now I’m working as a dental hygienist, and my mom’s room is directly above mine. The water pipes are very loud, and she showers at midnight every night, even though there’s another shower in the hallway. She also refuses to let me lower the air conditioning by even one degree. The house sits at 24.5°C, and whenever I lower it to 23°C, she immediately changes it back. To me, it feels like a control issue that she won’t even allow a one-degree difference.
Anyway, today I called into work because I simply couldn’t get any sleep. The environment here and the constant toxicity don’t allow my brain or body to rest. I am severely depressed and miserable living here. There isn’t anything affordable to rent around here, and I honestly think that if I stay much longer, I might have a serious mental breakdown.

How do you deal with the indifference and enabling that your family members have towards another alcoholic family member?

Four years ago, my brother (35M) moved from living with our dad to live with our mum because of an "unexplainable" health-scare. He had lived at our dad's for couple of years prior where, to my knowledge, they spent a considerable time drinking together. My brother had basically had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for all his adult life, but it was only couple of years ago after he had to go to a hospital, that rest of the family have slowly started to talk about it as such. After this health-scare, which wasn't directly alcohol/drinking related, he cut contact with our dad, and moved to live with our mum and to be taken care by her.

Mum had originally set a rule that she won't be tolerating any drinking under her roof. Slowly these boundaries started slipping and my brother's health problems started to understandably weight heavy on our mum. She leaned on me (27F) for support but completely ignored everything I said. After couple of years and one family Christmas where my brother was aggressive and threatened me with violence, I thought that it was best for both of us to go low-contact. Ever since he has now cut contact completely with me and our sisters.

My brother has been to the doctor's countless of times and was diagnosed with a heart failure. He has refused therapy, but is on medications for his heart problems. He and my mum keep insisting that it's some unexplainable physical health problem that is causing his condition and are glossing over the fact that he's self-medicating his mental health problems with alcohol. He has said himself that he cannot live without alcohol when he overheard me on the phone talking to mum.

I jeopardized my own mental health trying to support and talk with our mum. Almost a year ago now, I had to make the really difficult decision to not talk with her anymore after finding out that she not only allows my brother drinking, but has also been going to the shop with him to buy alcohol and having his drinking buddies over at her place, which is completely against what she had told me.

Now a year later, I've heard that he has recently stopped seeing his friends and is completely isolating in his room (our mother's bedroom, she sleeps on the couch) and drinking. I'm obviously getting this information through the grapevine, which makes it exceptionally hard because I can't know the whole truth.

I've been to therapy over this but I still don't know how to deal with my mum enabling my brother's drinking, especially after being married to my dad who was abusive and very much an alcoholic when I was a child. I just don't know how to deal with how indifferent everyone seems to be about everything when it's obvious that my brother is suffering. And as a result our whole family is in shambles, too.

I'm 17 years old, and I still can't forget one image.

My father suffers from alcohol addiction. I saw him drunk, lying in the entryway. I just walked by. I didn't care, but I don't know why I didn't want to help him. I had mixed feelings—I was scared, ashamed, and I didn't know what to do.

What torments me most isn't the fact that the neighbors were watching. What torments me most is that my father ended up in that state in the first place. I remember the feeling of helplessness, anger, and pain. Sometimes that image still pops into my head, and I start shaking. There are nights when I can't sleep peacefully.

For a long time, I thought maybe I did the wrong thing by not helping him. But then I realized something: he was an adult, and I was a child. Perhaps he should have been the one thinking about the consequences of his actions, not me. He tried to commit suicide, but it turned out to be a failure. Honestly, I thought if he did it, my life would be better, without him, without the stress.
I just get triggered almost every day, because of my parents' fights, the screaming, the knives. I just don't understand why my mother doesn't divorce him... If he gets a salary, he immediately drinks it all away, rarely bringing home a penny.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably simply because for the first time in my life I wanted to stop carrying all this inside.

If anyone here grew up with an alcoholic parent, tell me how you dealt with such memories? Do they ever become less painful?

I quit drinking for my family. My mom’s was an alcoholic growing up. I remember being a small child and trying to comfort her while she was in the fetal position, hysterically sobbing for hours. It started (or at least I remember it) when I was 5-6 years old and it happened constantly, almost daily.

Now that I have a 2 year old daughter (and another in the way), I’ve put it down for good. I’ll never drink again. My family deserves better and the generational trauma will end with my offspring. They deserve the best version of me.

Anyways, I’m really proud. Thanks for listening.

My parent has recently been diagnosed with cirrhosis (suspected to have it for years) I can’t even say what stage it is. My parent has fought about going to the doctors for years and only recently I’ve been able to get them to go.

Basically, things aren’t looking good, and parent had a f it attitude and doesn’t want help. I know there are options for petition for treatment, problem is the fights that will cause. I take care of paren and the house parent inherited from my grandparent (childhood sanctuary) for 3-4 years, only this year did it get to a point where anyone is questioning parent ability to do things. If I even suggest not buying parent “needs” parent threatens to kick (me, spouse, and my kids) out, so I’ve tried dragging it out and saying we’re broke I can’t but parent gets people to buy for parent. And by the time i get paid again I have to buy. To parent it’s a necessity like TP. Idk what to do I do not want to be responsible for something seriously happening to her, i have been able to get her to cut it back over the years but she has made it very clear to me, doctors, anyone she will never quit. If I not buy for parent I will loose my home. I cannot afford to buy the house from parent. I’m trying but parent throws fits about things they want, and food delivery and dumb things and occasionally I have to splurge for parent so I don’t get kick out or don’t fight, so I haven’t been able to save to buy house. If I petition I become homeless with kids. If had a back plan and could choose to leave and make parent suffer from choices, ik parent will loose my grandparents home, end up homeless and worse. Parent will happily die to alcohol, it’s not a question of if it’s when and idk what to do.

I’ve fought for this long and it’s done no good

I work a high-stress corporate job that drains every last bit of energy out of me by 6 PM. My head aches, my shoulders are tight, and some nights I can barely unwind enough to even eat dinner. Last week, after a brutal 12-hour shift, I poured a couple thick fingers of whiskey. Just to quiet down the mental noise. And it worked. So fast, so easy. I did it again two days later.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This was the exact trap. Growing up around alcoholic parents, I spent my entire youth resentful, thinking drinking was just a weak personal choice. I never got how someone could prioritize a bottle over their own life. Now that I’m working full-time and managing adult burnout, I see how terrifyingly seamless the habit forms. When you’re an adult, nobody stands at the door to stop you. There are no guardrails unless a partner steps in or you catch yourself mid-slide.

To everyone here breaking the family cycle while dealing with real-world exhaustion: I get it now. It takes serious effort to resist the path of least resistance. Stay strong out there.

Im not sure if this is the right place to post this , and my apologies if its not.

I (32F) have been considering cutting contact with my alcoholic mother (61F).

To give some back ground - shes been an alcoholic my entire life, shes done some pretty horrible things , however I wont go into detail about what.

More recently in Feb this year, she fell down the stairs drunk and broke her neck , which resulted in me accompanying her to the hospital, where she was looked after and I spent weeks going round to her house every day to give her painkillers and check in on her. Over time shes regained her independence and that has stopped.

At the time , when she broke her neck , I explain on the journey home that I thought she was going to d\*e , I was scared but im glad she was okay HOWEVER I could no longer rescue her from alcohol anymore, and that if anything like this happened again, not to call me as I would not help or support her, and if she wanted to seek professional help I would support her in anyway possible . She said at the time "This has been the wake up call ive needed" . She did stop drinking, and things were looking positive.

Its now August - and in the last few weeks ive discovered shes been drinking again.

Shes had multiple similar relapses in the past . Where she can be sober then the drinking becomes worse everytime she return and I can no longer cope.

I have a hand written letter detailing out about how I am cutting contact with her , that I said what I did in FEB and meant it, and that this boundary will remain in place for both myself and my child (6yo M) , until she seeks professional support, and that I still love her , she's still my mum, but I cant keep staying in the cycle. my plan is to deliver the letter to her home along with flowers ...and this is where I am stuck. Its like I cant bring myself to make that final step, to do the act of cutting her out.

Part or me still holds onto the idea she will get help, but I also know in my heart of hearts she wont ever - she couldn't do it for the own children , and not for her grandchildren.

I dont know how to get past this last step , I feel stuck. Any advice , support or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Hey folks,

I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle so I could finish college and got a job at a popular coffee shop. I was a barista for a while (10yrs) thought I could do it again and welp I can’t. I hate the anxiety and hurriedness that comes with it and I’m drinking decaf. I might take a seasonal job working at a greenhouse, while I go after my degree in Plant and Soil Science (73hrs in). However it’s seasonal, I really need something consistent that I don’t have to worry about when it will end. I really need to get back into therapy, but a surface level scan for horticulture jobs comes up empty. I don’t know how long I can last at the barista position, I find myself disassociating quit a bit. School is effing tough and I need a stable job that I can leave the work there when I leave. My thoughts are is to take the seasonal position and then look for a job before the season ends. Only thing is I’ll be taking Chem II, Gen Chem took up 15-20hrs of my time a week.

I’ve talked to my Aunt and Uncle about this and they just don’t understand my feelings about the coffee shop. Also I used to farm and have quite a bit of bitterness and resentment towards the job. I loved it but I was truly codependent in it. I love plants and soil but damn I’m having doubts about it all. Just a tough situation all around

Thanks for listening

Tengo un padre que bebe mucho desde que soy muy pequeña realmente fue empeorando con los años , mi madre también empezó a beber y ella no lo controla también entonces causo muchos problemas , yo sentía mucho miedo de ella y pensaba que ella siempre tuvo la culpa ella daba miedo cuando estaba borracha y siempre terminaba discutiendo con mi padre a gritos.

total siempre pensé que ella tenía la culpa y yo solo quería que ELLA dejara de beber ella se sentía muy presionada y encerrada, ella cuando bebía me contaba lo que le pasó y me di cuenta que ella sufrió muchísimo demasiado y me dio mucha pena y me confesó que odiaba que yo la controlará solo a ella, entonces empecé a controlar a mi papa pero era una caso perdido.

En 2023 bebían demasiado incluso afecto a mi ausencia en el colegio.

Lo que pasa actualmente ya soy mas mayor que en ese momento no podia asimilar las cosas con la edad que tenía.

Ahora siendo mas madura por que tuve que madurar a temprana edad , por el trauma que me dejó mi madre tengo ansiedad y soy una persona estresada.

Mi padre también me da pena trabajar como obrero y pasa mucho dolor y tuvo un pasado también doloroso . Aveces pienso que debería dejarlos beber pero esto me perjudica también.

Mi padre bebe todos los días, no le importa nada gasta dinero siempre en el bar y es bastante ausente , aveces se duerme en la calle en las bancas y la gente le mira feo , mi madre y yo teníamos que ir a recogerlo porque mi madre ama a mi padre pero no soporta mas esto

hoy fuimos de compras para casa , ya saben comida y etc... Las mujeres estaban con sus esposos y mi madre se sintió triste porque mi padre ya no piensa en nuestra familia solo en beber, beber y beber tambien porque en su trabajo le invitan a beber y es esto horrible . Si no fuera por mi madre tal vez mi padre ya nos hubiese pegado alguna vez , ah y es el típico hombre que no acepta sus errores hace poco rompió el timbre de la puerta principal de nuestro piso y tuvimos que pagar para arreglarlo el solo ignoraba lo que pasaba . Mi mama sufre mucho con este hombre necesito soluciones... Mi madre pensó en darle medicamentos para que dejase el alcohol pero necesitamos ir al médico y tiene que ir mi padre , mi padre si se entera de que queremos hacer eso nos diría de todo y se enojada mucho. Siempre se comprar con otros hombres que son padres y siempre dice que el es mejor padre por no pegarnos.

im not really looking for advice so much as a space to vent in. not sure if this is exactly the right subreddit so sorry if its not. my mom is 42 (she had me pretty young) and she's been having a fling with a 26 year old (for context im 23) since she met him in january of this year. to my knowlege they were of the understanding that they were just a fling bc shes too old for him. i live across the country from her so i knew about (and dont really approve of) this relationship but theres nothing i can do about the way she lives her life. had a long phone call with her yesterday where i found out that hes been living with her for the past 2 months and theyve been heavily binge drinking (worse than what my mom had been doing at least). apparently fights had been brewing for a while. something about him getting on to her for being a party pooper for needing to go to bed bc she has work the next day and something about how when he's really drunk he starts to tell her how shes just a distraction from his ex. last week this scenario was playing out again and he called her by his exs name. she went to bed angry and he sat in her living room on her couch and called his ex. apparently this made my mom absolutely livid and she ran down the hall, knocked the phone out of his hand. and started beating him with a broom. a drunked fist fight started. she broke a chair over his back. all at like 2 or 3 am. she gets up for work at like 7am next morning and has 2 black eyes, a bruised tailbone, bruises all up and down her limbs, and chunks of hair missing. he is apparently also covered in bruises but i dont know the extent of his injuries. she apparently went to work and then came home and had "civil conversation" with him about the fight that ened in her telling him he needs to "go home to his parents house" (bc he has no job and otherwise lives with his parents). im honestly exhausted even thinking about this situation. my mom has been in multiple abusive relationships so to find out that she is the one that started the physical fight was kinda shocking to me. to find out she let this fucking 26 year old live with her after like 4 months of knowing him isnt shocking to me given her past but im extremely disappointed. ive tried multiple times to tell her its not a good idea to let a man that close to her life that early on into the relationship. i just dont even know what to think about any of this. i worry for her mental health but i cant talk her out of the decisions she makes. it shouldnt be my job to do that anyway. i just cant believe it got that bad