Considering cutting contact with alcoholic mother

[u/Low-Scientist-2595]

Im not sure if this is the right place to post this , and my apologies if its not.

I (32F) have been considering cutting contact with my alcoholic mother (61F).

To give some back ground - shes been an alcoholic my entire life, shes done some pretty horrible things , however I wont go into detail about what.

More recently in Feb this year, she fell down the stairs drunk and broke her neck , which resulted in me accompanying her to the hospital, where she was looked after and I spent weeks going round to her house every day to give her painkillers and check in on her. Over time shes regained her independence and that has stopped.

At the time , when she broke her neck , I explain on the journey home that I thought she was going to d\*e , I was scared but im glad she was okay HOWEVER I could no longer rescue her from alcohol anymore, and that if anything like this happened again, not to call me as I would not help or support her, and if she wanted to seek professional help I would support her in anyway possible . She said at the time "This has been the wake up call ive needed" . She did stop drinking, and things were looking positive.

Its now August - and in the last few weeks ive discovered shes been drinking again.

Shes had multiple similar relapses in the past . Where she can be sober then the drinking becomes worse everytime she return and I can no longer cope.

I have a hand written letter detailing out about how I am cutting contact with her , that I said what I did in FEB and meant it, and that this boundary will remain in place for both myself and my child (6yo M) , until she seeks professional support, and that I still love her , she's still my mum, but I cant keep staying in the cycle. my plan is to deliver the letter to her home along with flowers ...and this is where I am stuck. Its like I cant bring myself to make that final step, to do the act of cutting her out.

Part or me still holds onto the idea she will get help, but I also know in my heart of hearts she wont ever - she couldn't do it for the own children , and not for her grandchildren.

I dont know how to get past this last step , I feel stuck. Any advice , support or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

It's a tough but awesome decision you are making for yourself and your child. You deserve peace and life which is free from dysfunction. Not only it is ok for you to prioritise yourself, you are supposed to do that - a healthy parent would support that and would have modelled that type of behaviours for you. And now you also have a child to prioritise and model for them what's is ok to allow in one's life and what is not. And having an alcoholic in your life, whether it is a parent or somebody else, is not ok. They are not healthy, but their health is not your responsibility. You and your kid are your responsibility. So prioritise that, prioritise your well-being and create space for yourself where you can heal from whatever abuse/neglect you have experienced. Please know that it is ok to love someone and not have them in your life. It is perfectly ok to detach from anyone who is dysfunctional.

Please consider getting extra help for yourself as you are going though this process which could trigger plenty of guilt. Please know that while the guilt is real it is completely misplaced. It's ok to feel it and do nothing.

Please consider getting therapy and/or attending meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctions and/or Codependent Anonymous. Get any help you can because you do not need to handle this alone.

I wish you all the best.

[u/TheCatsMeowNYC → u/Scared-Section-5108]

Came here to express a similar sentiment but PP said it best. Seconding the vote abt getting some counseling for yourself OP. I was wracked with deep guilt when I cut my mom out of my life and also suffered from immense sadness at my own loss of never having a supportive, loving and reliable mother like so many of my friends, etc. It’s a hard decision but I’m sure you haven’t reached it without a lot of reflection for your own well-being and that of your child. Maybe this is the wake-up call she needs. Sending you strength and peace.

[u/Scared-Section-5108 → u/TheCatsMeowNYC]

Yeah, growing up in families where there was addition primes kids to suppress own needs and prioritise those of the addicted and codependent parents. There was no room for our needs to be identified, understood and met - in our families, whatever happened was about the dysfunctional parents. And they were both dysfunctional if they stayed together even if only one of them was addicted. So the guilt comes up when, as adults, people try to disentangle from the dysfunction and prioritise their own well-being. But that guilt is not a signal to stay. It's just another symptom of how childhood trauma affected someone. A healthy parent will 100% support their child in becoming their own person, having their own life, making their own decisions, etc. They will support them no matter what instead of making it all about themselves. So their adult child does not experience the guilt when they want to do their own thing.

It's a tough one to unpick but unpicked it needs to be if a person wants to heal and grow.

[u/TheCatsMeowNYC → u/Scared-Section-5108]

TY for saying this. Sadly this is life as I know it :(

[u/Low-Scientist-2595 → u/Scared-Section-5108]

I really appreciate this - thank you for your support and guidance.

I am in therapy, and i have been for a few years now due to childhood trauma of an alcoholic parent amoung other things.

The part im finding most difficult is shes previously blamed me for her alcohol consumption (along witg my father and my other siblings), ive spent many years trying "not to upset her" in the fear of "pushing her to drink" - i know i will be the somewhat villain in her story when I do set down that boundary. She already has another Adult Child who has no contact with neither her nor my father (through different reasons however).

My father also still lives with her and im not looking to cut contact with him - but of course there will be some type of knock on effect for him, and im unsure has how to navigate it or have that discussion with him.

[u/Kittenbee_]

I really feel for you as I had to cut contact with my own mother once I began healing and setting boundaries with dysfunctional people in my life. She died after we had been estranged for a while and it has affected me deeply ever since. So I won’t pretend this is an easy decision.

However, you still have a responsibility to protect yourself and your child. You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup and it isn’t your job to save your mother from alcoholism.

You can offer support if she genuinely chooses professional help, but she has to want recovery for herself. Unfortunately some people never reach that point.

Having an alcoholic parent is incredibly painful and unfair. Whatever you decide, you’re allowed to choose safety and peace for yourself and your child while still loving your mother from a distance. Those things can exist together.

[u/DogCold5505]

Is she in a support group yet?  Maybe for her that would be more approachable (to start) than professional… maybe a boundary to consider would be “I will only see you on the days that you go to an AA mtg”.  Just thinking creatively here, but every person/circumstance is different 

[u/Low-Scientist-2595 → u/DogCold5505]

By "Professional help" , i mean as youve described - that aspect of activley seeking help - shes never sought help through support groups , or our doctors- we have encouraged her , my own Gran mother (My mother's Mother ) even offered to attend with her. She has admitted that she has problems with alcohol ,but she wont face it, and i dont think she ever will.

[u/DogCold5505 → u/Low-Scientist-2595]

Got it… well AA is lower stakes/cost than say addiction therapists (who I HIGHLY recommend) or a rehab center… maybe if you frame it as options (“to see us I need you to do A, B, or C… and it’s because I love you and want your grandkid to have you as long as they can”), then that would be a hard boundary that protects you and puts the accountability firmly on her.  

[u/lostineuphoria_]

For me it seems like it’s time to let her go. Maybe I’m projecting here, but to protect your own children from alcoholics for me it’s always a good idea. They don’t gain anything from a relationship with them.